Zoom (is there anybody out there)
Zoom (is there anybody out there)
Lee Sungyeol is an idol. He can’t tell he doesn’t like it; who in the world would say such things?
He likes the lights, costumes, make-up, he even likes interviews and fulltime schedule.
There are just some times when he’s tired and wants nothing but his bed and a snuggle blanket. But then Hoya brags into their room with his hip hop music, or Sunggyu comes nagging, or Sungjong sits next to him and plays with his hair and tells stories.
They are friends and he knows he loves them because of those little annoying actions, but not all the time.
Sungyeol is an idol and he has nowhere to hide sometimes ― not that he wants. It’s just, he needs it from time to time.
And it’s strange how Dongwoo says everyone needs it at times. Sungyeol looks at him in disbelief because, well, it’s Dongwoo. The rapper leads him to some back yard on their street and Sungyeol follows, not understanding. Dongwoo says “It’s my place, but you can borrow it if you want,” and leaves, and Sungyeol is standing on the concrete ground, high wooden fence surrounding him. “It’s going to rain, you should come back to the dorm though,” he hear his friend say also before he’s too far to not her him.
It’s obscure and dirty, it’ Seoul. But Sungyeol can breathe suddenly.
*
It all starts when Infinite debuts, finally, and their lives are full of schedules, stages, performances and interviews, and shows, and everything. And it’s hard at first, but it’s hard for everyone, for every new rookie group, now isn’t it? They feel happy and sad, and tired and energized, and it all is good and sometimes it isn’t, but that’s how life goes, right.
And Sungyeol is happy out of his mind, usually, because, hell, they debuted.
*
Life goes, and goes, and Sungyeol finally starts feeling the pressure. It’s kind of overwhelming. It’s new and he finds his brain being squeezed with random thoughts, and sometimes he doesn’t know what to think generally. Or he does know but can’t distinguish the meaning ― either way, Sungyeol is under pressure and is exhausted, and that’s not really a good thing. That’s not really a bad thing also, but Sungyeol doesn’t know what to think about it anymore.
*
Sometimes ― the ‘more often and on daily basis so you should deal with it, moron’ kind of sometimes ― Sungyeol thinks he’s stupid and that the moist feeling sticking to his eyeballs and threatening to escape is even more stupid.
He’s useless and not really talented, Sungyeol thinks that too.
“You’ll get more lines soon,” Myungsoo says gently as soon as he steps inside and sees Sungyeol curled on the bed.
“Will I,” Sungyeol mumbles into the blanket and closes his eyes. It’s unlike him to act like that and he knows it is, and even Sunggyu told him earlier to quit the self-pity because it wouldn't help Infinite in any way. He tries. But he can’t, not really. Not when he’s supposed to improve, yet he’s not given a chance.
The boy feels the mattress shift and Myungsoo’s warm hand is placed on his waist and little gusts of visual’s breath hit the back of his head. It’s comforting. It relaxes him somehow, Sungyeol doesn’t even feel awkward.
“Yeah,” the other assures shortly, making Sungyeol sigh and lean into his chest more; just because he can and because he needs it, and because Myungsoo won’t mind. Myungsoo presses a kiss to his neck.
*
Sungyeol shoos sleep away and bends down to hide his nose in the empty mug, hoping for the scent of coffee to wake him at least the slightest bit.
His fingers graze over his earlobe and he finds no piercings; he often catches himself surprised at first, why there’s none? Nevertheless, Sungyeol likes playing Sojun, usually, Sojun appears like a determinant of him being finally appreciated. Sojun brings good memories.
“You’ll get a bruise if you keep sitting like that. I did it once,” Dongwoo points, peeking into the kitchen and referring to Sungyeol pressing his face to the mug. Sungyeol smiles and waves his hand, whatever.
Sungyeol is exhausted again, but it’s the good exhaustion. At least he believes so as he doesn’t feel that unnecessary no more. Maybe.
*
The tiles are cold under his skin and a little wet, but Sungyeol feels hot, panting unevenly, and perhaps, perhaps he will fall sick after this, a thought crosses his mind.
“We won, Sungyeol, we won.”
It’s like, the best day in his life, he could describe it like that, yes. They won and they hugged and cried, and fans cried and screamed, and they’re moving to a new dorm soon, and, and. It’s maybe too late and the dozen of shots was too much probably as he feels the roughness of Myungsoo’s evening stubble on his chin, chopped lips on his cheek, Myungsoo’s hands in his hair and his weight on Sungyeol’s body. “Sungyeol, we won. Sungyeol. Sungyeol…”
Myungsoo’s whole attention is drawn to him, and how in the world Sungyeol could care about catching a cold or anything else, how could he possibly?
*
Sungyeol gets a line in Paradise.
*
“Why are you sorry?”
Myungsoo sighs angrily and ruffles his hair, paces back and forth in the kitchen, leaving Sungyeol confused in the doorframe.
“Because,” Myungsoo sighs again, stopping in his tracks and now staring at the floor. A nervous clod forms itself in Sungyeol’s throat as he blinks rapidly at the younger man. “We can’t continue this. We― you should concentrate on improving. I’m sorry.”
He brushes past him gently and Sungyeol just stands there, eyes wide and mouth agape, because he’s useless again.
*
Sungyeol tweets I like you, and Myungsoo tweets I love you. The smile seems to be constant now.
*
That’s how life goes, Sungyeol thinks hugging his legs to his chest in the dark bedroom, barely keeping his eyes open. That’s how life goes and you can’t do much about it, you have to be tough, you have to if you want to climb to the top, you have to, Sungyeol remembers, trembling hands gripping the fabric of his jeans, and he even tries not to think about this stupid moist feeling in his eyes, because that’s how life goes and because you have to be tough.
*
“You don’t need him,” Woohyun slurs when they’re drunk again and something might have slipped out of Sungyeol’s mouth unconsciously, oops. “Really.”
Sungyeol nods and next thing he knows, he kisses Woohyun forcefully on their couch, his head blissfully empty, even though the others can be back soon.
*
The more days pass the more they know how to act, how to react, what to say and what to do, and how to draw attention and all of this, and Sungyeol sometimes feels exhausted, because it’s tiring, but that’s how life goes.
*
Woohyun hugs Sunggyu, and Myungsoo, and Dongwoo and Sungyeol feels bad.
*
The ranking village is stupid and Sungyeol eats his lunch alone, eyes closed tightly, back facing the camera because he shouldn’t show how much he’s hurt. He knows it’s just a variety, a stupid show, and everyone does it for entertainment purposes, right, right. Or do they really?
*
Sungyeol is useless and weak, and he runs out of the building and runs and runs and runs, even though the sky is dark with storm clouds, and even though he’s supposed to wait in the dorm for the others to come back from individual schedules, he doesn’t seem to be able to.
Howon gets a role in a sitcom, Sungyeol is happy for him truly, but he has attended so many castings, why can’t he be the one also?
They cut his part in Only Tears, and he has half-eyebrows, he’s ugly and has a gummy smile, he gets no lines and is awkward while dancing; thoughts invade his mind and Sungyeol can’t help but cry out in frustration and annoyance and sadness and self-pity, because Myungsoo doesn’t want him, and Woohyun also, and no one wants him in general, okay.
The familiar scent reaches his nostrils and he's in the familiar place, with the wooden fence and dirty corners, and somehow feels like home.
Sungyeol stands right in front of the fence, palms pressed flatly to the boards, like those guys from Blair Witch Project ― it’s pretty much creepy. It starts raining.
Time passes and miraculously the boy feels at ease, the comforting smell of wet wood in his nose, and he needs nothing more.
There are footsteps and a sigh, and a faint “I found him, stop looking,” but Sungyeol doesn’t bother to turn around because he recognizes Dongwoo.
“Sungyeol, let’s go back. It’ll be better. I’ll help you this time, okay?”
It’s serene and honest, Sungyeol knows it and smiles. He’s thankful and realizes Dongwoo understands what’s going on, or at least starts to understand.
And it really is what Sungyeol needed, right? Right?
The wet wood reminds him of a forest and of spring, Sungyeol shakes his head and inhales, not moving. The wet wood reminds him of a forest and he doesn’t need anything else.
~~~~~~
Tokio Hotel - Zoom into me - blame this song.
a coffee in the evening and sleepless night forced me to write this one XD. i hope it's understandable...?