(no subject)
So... bad news. Grandhootsie has lung cancer.
I've been avoiding thinking about it or talking about it much out of a superstitious sort of feeling that it would make the results come back with bad news.
It all started when she had to go to the hospital on my birthday. She was having some heart trouble, elevated heart rate and an irregular heart beat. I was really worried then, but they got that taken care of quickly with medication, so she's doing ok on the heart front. It was during all of the scans and tests that they ran to make sure that it wasn't a more serious cardiac issue that they found the spot on her lung.
I swear, they ran every sort of non-invasive imaging scan possible on her to try and determine whether it was cancer or not. Spent a month trying to figure it out with none of the scans being conclusive. So after about a month, they tell her that they don't know any more than they did at the start and that she can either have a biopsy or just go ahead and have surgery. Thankfully, she elected to go ahead and have the surgery last Monday because it did turn out to be cancer. I had hoped that they'd gotten it all and that it'd be over. When they realized that it was cancer during the surgery, they went ahead and removed some of her lymph nodes to test them as well.
We got the news back yesterday that they found cancer in one of the nodes. So now it's on to chemo as soon as she's recovered enough from the surgery.
I was kinda freaking out about it yesterday. All I could think of was Aunt Nene (one of my grandmother's sisters) who died of lung cancer. When I was little she moved in with my grandparents so they could take care of her during chemo and everything. My only memories of her are her being bedridden. And as a little kid, it was all vaguely creepy because no one would really explain to me what was wrong. I didn't know that it was lung cancer until I was in high school. And it wasn't until yesterday when I was thinking about it that I realized that she must have had a wig the whole time because of losing her hair from the chemo and it made me remember the styrofoam head that she had in her room that I found really scary. Now I realize that it was her wig stand, to make sure that it kept the right shape. But when I was little it was scary.
I was also thinking of Mamaw (my Dad's mom) because she died of breast cancer when I was four or so years old. I didn't understand what was happening at the time either, just knew she was really sick. Mostly what I remember of her was she would always read books to me. Like Little Black Sambo (yeah, so racist I know, but it was just a standard kid's book in the minds of my family) and this story about a boy who had a goldfish that he overfed and it grew to be enormous and Dr. Suess. She left some of her jewelery to Mom to look after until I was old enough to take care of it. So I have a cameo, and some pearl earrings that belonged to her. I wore the earrings when I was in State Fair my senior year of high school because I had the sudden wish that she was there to see me and it made me feel a little closer to her to wear her things.
I haven't had anyone in my family die since I was a little kid. And the thought of Grandhootsie dying is terrifying to me. She's the one that holds things together. And I can't imagine Granddaddy without Grandhootise to keep him company (especially since he is just incapable of cooking for himself). I know that it will happen someday, but I'm really worried that I won't be there to be with her when it happens. That's the thing that I really regret about being so young when Mamaw died, I didn't realize what was going on and I have no memory of even being at the funeral.
I've been looking at grad. school, film studies programs specifically, and I know that if I get into a school that I'll have to go pretty far away from home. I've even been looking at programs in California. And I worry that something will happen while I'm too far away to get back and see her. Hell, I feel bad that I didn't get to spend much time with Grandhootsie before I went back to William and Mary this summer. She was still working at the time and almost anytime that she wasn't at work, she had appt.s for more scans and tests.
Well, I have to keep from worrying too much. Hopefully they caught the cancer early enough that they'll be able to take care of it without more surgery and hopefully the chemo won't be too rough on Grandhootsie.
I've been avoiding thinking about it or talking about it much out of a superstitious sort of feeling that it would make the results come back with bad news.
It all started when she had to go to the hospital on my birthday. She was having some heart trouble, elevated heart rate and an irregular heart beat. I was really worried then, but they got that taken care of quickly with medication, so she's doing ok on the heart front. It was during all of the scans and tests that they ran to make sure that it wasn't a more serious cardiac issue that they found the spot on her lung.
I swear, they ran every sort of non-invasive imaging scan possible on her to try and determine whether it was cancer or not. Spent a month trying to figure it out with none of the scans being conclusive. So after about a month, they tell her that they don't know any more than they did at the start and that she can either have a biopsy or just go ahead and have surgery. Thankfully, she elected to go ahead and have the surgery last Monday because it did turn out to be cancer. I had hoped that they'd gotten it all and that it'd be over. When they realized that it was cancer during the surgery, they went ahead and removed some of her lymph nodes to test them as well.
We got the news back yesterday that they found cancer in one of the nodes. So now it's on to chemo as soon as she's recovered enough from the surgery.
I was kinda freaking out about it yesterday. All I could think of was Aunt Nene (one of my grandmother's sisters) who died of lung cancer. When I was little she moved in with my grandparents so they could take care of her during chemo and everything. My only memories of her are her being bedridden. And as a little kid, it was all vaguely creepy because no one would really explain to me what was wrong. I didn't know that it was lung cancer until I was in high school. And it wasn't until yesterday when I was thinking about it that I realized that she must have had a wig the whole time because of losing her hair from the chemo and it made me remember the styrofoam head that she had in her room that I found really scary. Now I realize that it was her wig stand, to make sure that it kept the right shape. But when I was little it was scary.
I was also thinking of Mamaw (my Dad's mom) because she died of breast cancer when I was four or so years old. I didn't understand what was happening at the time either, just knew she was really sick. Mostly what I remember of her was she would always read books to me. Like Little Black Sambo (yeah, so racist I know, but it was just a standard kid's book in the minds of my family) and this story about a boy who had a goldfish that he overfed and it grew to be enormous and Dr. Suess. She left some of her jewelery to Mom to look after until I was old enough to take care of it. So I have a cameo, and some pearl earrings that belonged to her. I wore the earrings when I was in State Fair my senior year of high school because I had the sudden wish that she was there to see me and it made me feel a little closer to her to wear her things.
I haven't had anyone in my family die since I was a little kid. And the thought of Grandhootsie dying is terrifying to me. She's the one that holds things together. And I can't imagine Granddaddy without Grandhootise to keep him company (especially since he is just incapable of cooking for himself). I know that it will happen someday, but I'm really worried that I won't be there to be with her when it happens. That's the thing that I really regret about being so young when Mamaw died, I didn't realize what was going on and I have no memory of even being at the funeral.
I've been looking at grad. school, film studies programs specifically, and I know that if I get into a school that I'll have to go pretty far away from home. I've even been looking at programs in California. And I worry that something will happen while I'm too far away to get back and see her. Hell, I feel bad that I didn't get to spend much time with Grandhootsie before I went back to William and Mary this summer. She was still working at the time and almost anytime that she wasn't at work, she had appt.s for more scans and tests.
Well, I have to keep from worrying too much. Hopefully they caught the cancer early enough that they'll be able to take care of it without more surgery and hopefully the chemo won't be too rough on Grandhootsie.