Kitty's Cyberworld
Been in a bit of a weird space the last few weeks. Probably just as well I haven't had internet access at home as it may have made things a little bit more cybery than they already were.
Over in Dublin now, but have been signed off work the last week and a half. Psychiatrists would describe the reason for my sick leave as me having a fully blown manic episode...haven't had one this bad since 2001 after Mum died. 'Hippy Medicine' describes it more as an out of body experience, where your mind is totally detached from your body usually as a result of some sort of trauma. Being an openminded hippy scientist I agree with both and have learned a lot from the experience. And yes, you are living in this very cool, but sometime freaky cyberworld where everything works like clockwork and you can see and understand the interactions of everything in the universe around you, can to a certain degree be in control of others and manipulate things (a bit like how psychics work) and from the limited science fiction I am aware of all makes complete and utter sense. Your concept of the continuum of time goes out the window and past, present future all exists together...freaky!!!
Tis pretty cool, but also scary when you can no longer feel your heart beat/pulse and with every breath you take you question whether you are actually still alive as you just feel nothing....not even a pinch, not the air going in and out of your lungs...nothing as you are just living in your mind and that is all that is alive with you. Your body is a separate entity and you are not really in normal control of it and don't feel part of it. And then you ponder whether you should hurt yourself, like with a knife or pin to test if you really are still in your body or if you are actually a ghost of some form walking the earth and if your whole existence is just your imagination. It did get very very scary at times and one night I was so close to suicide as I just wanted to get out of the cyberworld and didn't see any other way out as I just rejected everything in this world and everything I believe in. Another night I was convinced I was dead as my mind had entered this total blackness/nothingness and I just felt nothing in my body...it was completely lifeless.
I am more grounded now and for the first time ever got through a manic episode without medication. It was very very difficult to channel and control the episode as you are so in your mind, but I did. I did get lots of advice and support over the phone from friends, hippy practitioners and from my cool occupational health consultant, who is a firm believer in the whole neuro-psycho immune response. Very interesting...amazing how hormones/stress can play so many tricks on you!
Anyway, it was a funky experience despite being very scary at times. I am glad I am still here and not dead as I thought I may have been or harmed myself. And yeah...cyberworld/the other reality...is not too bad a place to be if you can learn to control it all. Not something I would recommend to anyone without the adequate support or that. Phew....
Over in Dublin now, but have been signed off work the last week and a half. Psychiatrists would describe the reason for my sick leave as me having a fully blown manic episode...haven't had one this bad since 2001 after Mum died. 'Hippy Medicine' describes it more as an out of body experience, where your mind is totally detached from your body usually as a result of some sort of trauma. Being an openminded hippy scientist I agree with both and have learned a lot from the experience. And yes, you are living in this very cool, but sometime freaky cyberworld where everything works like clockwork and you can see and understand the interactions of everything in the universe around you, can to a certain degree be in control of others and manipulate things (a bit like how psychics work) and from the limited science fiction I am aware of all makes complete and utter sense. Your concept of the continuum of time goes out the window and past, present future all exists together...freaky!!!
Tis pretty cool, but also scary when you can no longer feel your heart beat/pulse and with every breath you take you question whether you are actually still alive as you just feel nothing....not even a pinch, not the air going in and out of your lungs...nothing as you are just living in your mind and that is all that is alive with you. Your body is a separate entity and you are not really in normal control of it and don't feel part of it. And then you ponder whether you should hurt yourself, like with a knife or pin to test if you really are still in your body or if you are actually a ghost of some form walking the earth and if your whole existence is just your imagination. It did get very very scary at times and one night I was so close to suicide as I just wanted to get out of the cyberworld and didn't see any other way out as I just rejected everything in this world and everything I believe in. Another night I was convinced I was dead as my mind had entered this total blackness/nothingness and I just felt nothing in my body...it was completely lifeless.
I am more grounded now and for the first time ever got through a manic episode without medication. It was very very difficult to channel and control the episode as you are so in your mind, but I did. I did get lots of advice and support over the phone from friends, hippy practitioners and from my cool occupational health consultant, who is a firm believer in the whole neuro-psycho immune response. Very interesting...amazing how hormones/stress can play so many tricks on you!
Anyway, it was a funky experience despite being very scary at times. I am glad I am still here and not dead as I thought I may have been or harmed myself. And yeah...cyberworld/the other reality...is not too bad a place to be if you can learn to control it all. Not something I would recommend to anyone without the adequate support or that. Phew....