nothingness
there are only about 4 million thoughts swarming around inside my head right now.
i cant believe im already going back tomorrow. its so weird to me, the things that have changed, and things that have stayed the same.
2006.
2005 was good to me. probably, the best year ive had. ive learned so much, ive lost so much, but in some ways, ive started to feel like every time i lose something that seems like it is that important, that life changing to me, soon enough, and when im not even realizing it, something else appears out of nowhere.
i had a great time in philly. i told them all ive never had a good new years. barrett and i toasted to getting belligerent. took pictures. laughed. smiled. cheered. we stood down there in his cramped basement with probably almost fifty people. i may have known ten of them, but at that time, at that second, it felt perfect, and i knew that it was just right.
and i dont know if ill stay in touch with them, as much as id love to. and i dont know if i messed it up, by something that didnt happen. im glad though, that thats the issue. that nothing happened. believe me, i wouldnt want anything to happen, i have too much at stake now.
i want to make ammends. i know i shouldnt care, and by wanting to, by wanting to pick up my phone and call, by doing even what i already did, its showing my weakness, and my lack of being able to let things go easily.
i didnt let you in, remember? it was the other way around.
but now its 2006.
my new years resolution is to be happy.
this one i cant, no one can, afford to break.
i cant believe im already going back tomorrow. its so weird to me, the things that have changed, and things that have stayed the same.
2006.
2005 was good to me. probably, the best year ive had. ive learned so much, ive lost so much, but in some ways, ive started to feel like every time i lose something that seems like it is that important, that life changing to me, soon enough, and when im not even realizing it, something else appears out of nowhere.
i had a great time in philly. i told them all ive never had a good new years. barrett and i toasted to getting belligerent. took pictures. laughed. smiled. cheered. we stood down there in his cramped basement with probably almost fifty people. i may have known ten of them, but at that time, at that second, it felt perfect, and i knew that it was just right.
and i dont know if ill stay in touch with them, as much as id love to. and i dont know if i messed it up, by something that didnt happen. im glad though, that thats the issue. that nothing happened. believe me, i wouldnt want anything to happen, i have too much at stake now.
i want to make ammends. i know i shouldnt care, and by wanting to, by wanting to pick up my phone and call, by doing even what i already did, its showing my weakness, and my lack of being able to let things go easily.
i didnt let you in, remember? it was the other way around.
but now its 2006.
my new years resolution is to be happy.
this one i cant, no one can, afford to break.