Just catching up a little or a lot
2008...what a year so far and it had definitly been bitter sweet well actually mostly bitter but I am bound and determined to make it sweeter and sweeter by the day. I was going to update my scrapbook with a whole buttload of pictures but for some odd reason my account didn't automatically renew to keep my plus account but I will be able to renew that next week. So, please do not be disheartened the pictures will be up soon, (Caderina).
So, let's see I start off the year getting into another wreck and completely totalling our Saturn, and the wreck happened because I am so quick to just totally push myself to the limit for the people that I care about with basically complete disreguard for myself. I had woke up supper early that morning with maybe 3 hrs. of sleep and went over to help Amber paint her new house then painted there for about 5 or 6 hrs. Then headed straight over to Hoopeston to help Caron celebrate her birthday. I went straight to her house and took a shower there got all dolled up and we headed to Bingo which I paid for her of course, then we went to the bars. I had just a couple of drinks early in the evening and then stopped because I was the designated driver, I was drinking water and eating pretzels, oh and we had eaten at Toco Bell before Bingo so I was all good to drive I thought. We hung out at the bars until closing time then I was taking Caron home and going to head back into town to meet up with some old friends that I used to hand out with and play cards with all night. So I take Caron home and I have been just basically exhausted all night, I even started to dose off a little before I got to her house. And to top things off the whole original plan involved her coming over to my neck of the woods and us hanging out, but then her retard of a husband wanted to go too so the plans were totally changed, then the dumbass ended up not even going. Just the whold situation has caused me to seriously question our friendship, because if she were any kind of real friend she would not have let me leave her house once she saw how exhausted I was. If I would have been in her position I would have taken her keys no matter how pissed off or whatever I got at her. I am just tired off give, give, giving and never getting. I mean, it is definitly not that I do things just because I expect something in return, but it is just nice to know that what I do do is appreciated (ha, I said do do), and actually the case is that it is just expected of me, and Caron has never really been that good of a friend, she is actually a pretty selfish person and I have put a lot of energy into keeping our friendship because I do not have a lot of people in my life that I have been able to keep in touch with over the years. I usually have had people in my life for a little while and then once I moved on I servered all the ties, and I did not want that to be the case, I wanted to keep some connections for a change, but I think it has actually been a mistake in Caron's case, she is never willing to put in as much as I am. I am doing some Spring cleaning once again and I only want the people in my life that I can trust beyond a shadow of a doubt, I only want people within my circle that I know have my back no matter what, and don't get me wrong I do not blame Caron for my wreck in the least, but when someone is your friend then they should be your friend plain and simple. I just know what I would have done if I were her in the situation and that is opposite of what she did, and as I think back over the years of our "friendship" it has been that way most of the time if not all of the time. So, I am cutting her out of my life, this past weekend I missed her daughter's birthday party for the first time in how many years but I still sent her a card. I am just not going to do it anymore, I am not going to completly rearrange my entire day to travel at least an hour away to go spend time with someone that would not do the same for me, and has repeatedly shown that she is not what a friend should be. I mean this is a person that has come to my childrens birthday parties numerous times and not brought so much as a card, bring a stinkin' homemade card for all I care, but at least bring something that shows that you care enough to put a little though and time into caring about my child, not just to come the party to get in some free bowling for you and your own child, free food, swimming or whatever the case may be. I mean, I am even the one who paid for her dress to be my maid of honor, she never even attemped to help with a damn thing with my wedding, me paying for my own maid of honor's dress that is the most bullshit thing that I have ever heard of, and she did not even get us a card of congratulations for out wedding, and she it not the one that threw me a bridal shower it was Amber that took that responsibility. Amber is the one that should have been my maid of honor not Caron but by the time I truely realized that the deed was already done, and I could not in good conscience switch it or I would be stooping to her level. It is just truely ridiculous, truely. So, at this point in time I still take her phone calls and catch-up a little, but here very soon I am going to make one last trip to her house all the way over in Hoopeston, IL and talk to her in person how I no longer wish to have her in my life and try to help her understand why because maybe that will help her grow as a person. She is always looking to someone to give her something and that is just not right, she still has her parents basically supporting her because her husband hords all of his money, but they can go on vacations to the Dells and on camping trips, and skiing quite often, it just makes no sense to me in the least. I have to put all of my energy into the people within my circle and into the things that I truely enjoy and love in life. I do not have time to be wasteing and I have wasted enough time on her, so it ends, no more wasted time in that area. I am taking the time to go over and tell her this in person because I am not a cold hearted person, I will not do it over the phone and I am not going to just start ignoring her until she finally gets the hint, I am going to do it right and be done with it.
So yeah, in my wreck I totalled the Saturn and cut my face up a little bit, had a concussion, and I think I more than likely screwed my knee up too cuz it has been really stiff once I get done running, but it seems to be better, but I will go to the doctor if it gets worse. But I am okay with the whole wreck thing, I mean it was a total bumbass thing to do thinking I am superwoman and all but hey it has really helped me realize and appreciate my own limits. The biggest bummer of the whole wreck thing was the fact that it happened the day before Spring classes started so I had to miss the first two weeks of class thusly forcing me to switch to all on-line classes which I do not like at all. I much preferr the in-class setting, plus in just encourages my procrastination with the whole open enrollment being able to turn in my work whenever as long as I am done with everything by July thing. I have barely even started on anything and to top it off I am still waiting on the stinkin book for one of my late starting classes that also happens to be an 8 week class that is over on May 3. I ordered it from Amozon but since it wasn't a new book it was just shipped standard mail, I can't believe it is not here yet, but I will make do and do great, I always do.
Then Pa passing away so quickly and violently from cancer in February really brought me down, down, down. He was more my dad than my grandpa, and to have him taken at 69 shattered my heart into a billion tiny pieces. The world needs more fiesty, true souls in it and with Susan being taken just mer months before that, Dear God why??? I felt like a child having to relearn the meaning of death all over again, or did I ever really learn it in the first place? I knew that Pa wasn't hurting anymore and I know that there is "life" beyone this one but I didn't understand how I couldn't see him and hug him anymore. I wanted to know where he was specifically, when there are not specific answers to be given, I wanted specific answers. A part of me still does want those specific answers, but I still feel him here with me and know that I always will. All I can do now is do my very best to make him proud by being true to myself and those that are dearest to me, and living by the golden rule. He is all that is best in me, he taught me about the kind of person that I want to be, a person who is stronge and willing to admitt when he is wrong and doing his best to be a better person. I am going to make him proud
Then...I bet your are thinking what do you mean and then, there is more, what?!!
Yeah and then Eric breaks his hand towards the end of March and then has to get his appendix out just two weeks ago. He is healing up well, but I though there for a moment I was going to lose him too and that I would not have been able to bear. It was totally freaky, because when I took Eric into the emergency room for what they later found out to be appendicitis, it was the same room that I was in with my grandpa the last time he was in that hospital. I could see it so vividly, Pa laying there in that hospital bed all alone when I went back in there to check and see if he was back from x-ray, and he looked so alone and you could see it in his eyes that he knew he was going to be gone soon, damn it. Eric is so stronge, so very stronge and I love him more than words could ever say, and Pa loved him too he is/was a good judge of character and Eric has a lot of it, he gets it honest.
So, let's see I start off the year getting into another wreck and completely totalling our Saturn, and the wreck happened because I am so quick to just totally push myself to the limit for the people that I care about with basically complete disreguard for myself. I had woke up supper early that morning with maybe 3 hrs. of sleep and went over to help Amber paint her new house then painted there for about 5 or 6 hrs. Then headed straight over to Hoopeston to help Caron celebrate her birthday. I went straight to her house and took a shower there got all dolled up and we headed to Bingo which I paid for her of course, then we went to the bars. I had just a couple of drinks early in the evening and then stopped because I was the designated driver, I was drinking water and eating pretzels, oh and we had eaten at Toco Bell before Bingo so I was all good to drive I thought. We hung out at the bars until closing time then I was taking Caron home and going to head back into town to meet up with some old friends that I used to hand out with and play cards with all night. So I take Caron home and I have been just basically exhausted all night, I even started to dose off a little before I got to her house. And to top things off the whole original plan involved her coming over to my neck of the woods and us hanging out, but then her retard of a husband wanted to go too so the plans were totally changed, then the dumbass ended up not even going. Just the whold situation has caused me to seriously question our friendship, because if she were any kind of real friend she would not have let me leave her house once she saw how exhausted I was. If I would have been in her position I would have taken her keys no matter how pissed off or whatever I got at her. I am just tired off give, give, giving and never getting. I mean, it is definitly not that I do things just because I expect something in return, but it is just nice to know that what I do do is appreciated (ha, I said do do), and actually the case is that it is just expected of me, and Caron has never really been that good of a friend, she is actually a pretty selfish person and I have put a lot of energy into keeping our friendship because I do not have a lot of people in my life that I have been able to keep in touch with over the years. I usually have had people in my life for a little while and then once I moved on I servered all the ties, and I did not want that to be the case, I wanted to keep some connections for a change, but I think it has actually been a mistake in Caron's case, she is never willing to put in as much as I am. I am doing some Spring cleaning once again and I only want the people in my life that I can trust beyond a shadow of a doubt, I only want people within my circle that I know have my back no matter what, and don't get me wrong I do not blame Caron for my wreck in the least, but when someone is your friend then they should be your friend plain and simple. I just know what I would have done if I were her in the situation and that is opposite of what she did, and as I think back over the years of our "friendship" it has been that way most of the time if not all of the time. So, I am cutting her out of my life, this past weekend I missed her daughter's birthday party for the first time in how many years but I still sent her a card. I am just not going to do it anymore, I am not going to completly rearrange my entire day to travel at least an hour away to go spend time with someone that would not do the same for me, and has repeatedly shown that she is not what a friend should be. I mean this is a person that has come to my childrens birthday parties numerous times and not brought so much as a card, bring a stinkin' homemade card for all I care, but at least bring something that shows that you care enough to put a little though and time into caring about my child, not just to come the party to get in some free bowling for you and your own child, free food, swimming or whatever the case may be. I mean, I am even the one who paid for her dress to be my maid of honor, she never even attemped to help with a damn thing with my wedding, me paying for my own maid of honor's dress that is the most bullshit thing that I have ever heard of, and she did not even get us a card of congratulations for out wedding, and she it not the one that threw me a bridal shower it was Amber that took that responsibility. Amber is the one that should have been my maid of honor not Caron but by the time I truely realized that the deed was already done, and I could not in good conscience switch it or I would be stooping to her level. It is just truely ridiculous, truely. So, at this point in time I still take her phone calls and catch-up a little, but here very soon I am going to make one last trip to her house all the way over in Hoopeston, IL and talk to her in person how I no longer wish to have her in my life and try to help her understand why because maybe that will help her grow as a person. She is always looking to someone to give her something and that is just not right, she still has her parents basically supporting her because her husband hords all of his money, but they can go on vacations to the Dells and on camping trips, and skiing quite often, it just makes no sense to me in the least. I have to put all of my energy into the people within my circle and into the things that I truely enjoy and love in life. I do not have time to be wasteing and I have wasted enough time on her, so it ends, no more wasted time in that area. I am taking the time to go over and tell her this in person because I am not a cold hearted person, I will not do it over the phone and I am not going to just start ignoring her until she finally gets the hint, I am going to do it right and be done with it.
So yeah, in my wreck I totalled the Saturn and cut my face up a little bit, had a concussion, and I think I more than likely screwed my knee up too cuz it has been really stiff once I get done running, but it seems to be better, but I will go to the doctor if it gets worse. But I am okay with the whole wreck thing, I mean it was a total bumbass thing to do thinking I am superwoman and all but hey it has really helped me realize and appreciate my own limits. The biggest bummer of the whole wreck thing was the fact that it happened the day before Spring classes started so I had to miss the first two weeks of class thusly forcing me to switch to all on-line classes which I do not like at all. I much preferr the in-class setting, plus in just encourages my procrastination with the whole open enrollment being able to turn in my work whenever as long as I am done with everything by July thing. I have barely even started on anything and to top it off I am still waiting on the stinkin book for one of my late starting classes that also happens to be an 8 week class that is over on May 3. I ordered it from Amozon but since it wasn't a new book it was just shipped standard mail, I can't believe it is not here yet, but I will make do and do great, I always do.
Then Pa passing away so quickly and violently from cancer in February really brought me down, down, down. He was more my dad than my grandpa, and to have him taken at 69 shattered my heart into a billion tiny pieces. The world needs more fiesty, true souls in it and with Susan being taken just mer months before that, Dear God why??? I felt like a child having to relearn the meaning of death all over again, or did I ever really learn it in the first place? I knew that Pa wasn't hurting anymore and I know that there is "life" beyone this one but I didn't understand how I couldn't see him and hug him anymore. I wanted to know where he was specifically, when there are not specific answers to be given, I wanted specific answers. A part of me still does want those specific answers, but I still feel him here with me and know that I always will. All I can do now is do my very best to make him proud by being true to myself and those that are dearest to me, and living by the golden rule. He is all that is best in me, he taught me about the kind of person that I want to be, a person who is stronge and willing to admitt when he is wrong and doing his best to be a better person. I am going to make him proud
Then...I bet your are thinking what do you mean and then, there is more, what?!!
Yeah and then Eric breaks his hand towards the end of March and then has to get his appendix out just two weeks ago. He is healing up well, but I though there for a moment I was going to lose him too and that I would not have been able to bear. It was totally freaky, because when I took Eric into the emergency room for what they later found out to be appendicitis, it was the same room that I was in with my grandpa the last time he was in that hospital. I could see it so vividly, Pa laying there in that hospital bed all alone when I went back in there to check and see if he was back from x-ray, and he looked so alone and you could see it in his eyes that he knew he was going to be gone soon, damn it. Eric is so stronge, so very stronge and I love him more than words could ever say, and Pa loved him too he is/was a good judge of character and Eric has a lot of it, he gets it honest.