[ficlet] Therapy crack: A bird in the hand...
Title: Therapy crack: A Bird in the Hand...
Pairing: Asami/Feilong/Akihito
Rating: PG
Spoilers: none
Warnings: Crack, unbeta'd, but hey at least it's spellchecked...
Notes: It's your birthday, M, YAY! That is the only thing that seems to be able to make me write anything, even if it is this extremely silly business from my very rusty pen. I hope you get a smile or two from it, and have a very happy day (um OK have one tomorrow since today is almost over *runs*)!
Akihito opened his eyes to the sun streaming through the windows. It didn't quite reach the bed, but he was warmed from both sides already. Fei's face was inches away, his arm slung over Akihito's hip, their smooth chests pressed together. And Asami was at his back, warm and ticklish. He snuggled down, then jumped the hell out of bed with a shout.
"GAAAAHHH!"
Feilong was instantly up on one knee, gun in one hand, knife in another, head turning frantically from side to side, penis swinging in the breeze.
The parrot on the bed pecked at it.
"What in the...??" Fei jerked away. The parrot followed. The pair on the bed became a blur of flesh and feathers as the man tried to strike the flying squawking bird, which seemed to think it was an early bird and Fei's penis the worm.
"Wait. Wait!" Aki bellowed. "WAIT A MINUTE!"
The pair froze, the bird having wrapped Fei's hair around the man's face and eyes, Fei in the midst of trying to use the Force to locate it with his knife.
After what looked like a shrug, the parrot flew over to Asami's dresser, ruffled his bright plumage and tried to pull a cigarette out of the pack there.
"Need a light," it squawked.
"You want flame?" Fei growled as he tried to unknot his hair. "Akihito, light the fireplace. We're having squab for breakfast."
"Uptight." said the bird. "Fei Fei. Uptight."
"How dare you...? You... you..."
"Fei! You're arguing with a bird!" Akihito stopped to think for a moment. "Wait..." Of course, a moment for Akihito to think was several moments in people years. "Which... which means that that parrot is arguing with you!"
They both turned to stare at the bird. It now had a cigarette hanging out of its mouth. "You are so smart," it sang. "S. M. R. T."
They looked at each other.
The parrot turned to look in the mirror and preened.
"ASAMI?!"
"Asami," it repeated. "Pretty Asami."
"Oh my GOD Fei! Someone has turned Asami into a parrot!"
Fei's mouth dropped open, then closed, then opened again, then closed again, much like a very pretty carp. Then he turned and left the room.
"Asami, we'll get you out of this, I swear. We won't leave you a parrot." Akihito bit his lip and looked to the side. "And even if we can't, I'll always love you. I'll stay with you and feed you seeds and things and take care of you." He held his hand out and the parrot jumped onto it and strolled up his arm.
"Pretty boy," it said, and bit his ear.
"Stop that. I'm not having bird sex."
"Really? Really, Akihito? There were some things I'd hoped never to hear even in this house. Sex with puppies and birds and pandas were on that list. Can I not have this one simple wish granted?"
"Tao." His face flushed as he turned to face the intruder. "I'm sorry you had to hear that, but if this is your Dad I will not hesitate to continue a loving adult relationship with him. You'll just have to put aside any bird-o-phobic notions and grow up."
Tao stared at him. "I really don't know how to parse what I just heard. Father, I'd like to help you but I need a translation."
Fei cleared his throat. "We, um, have reason to believe that this, mm, apparent parrot is, well, your Dad."
"My Dad."
"Yes."
"Asami Ryuichi. A parrot."
"Yes."
"I see."
"Tao! Fei, look at his face! It's all purple. I think he's choking!"
They pounded the boy on his back.
"No, stop, I'm OK. I just want... I'm just... OK."
"Here comes the son," the bird sang.
Tao's eyes narrowed. "I absolutely refuse to believe this." He paced the confines of the room, then shot around. "How many points did the Nikkei fall yesterday?"
The bird tilted its head the way birds do. "Dammit Jim, I'm a parrot."
Tao sighed in frustration. "Are you my father?"
It whistled in and out like Darth Vader. "Luke. I am your father."
They all gasped.
Then they panicked.
"It's true!"
"What now?"
"Asami, who did this to you?"
"You need to lie down."
"Get some blankets!"
"Should I boil water?"
"Fei, he's not having baby birds!"
"No he's not, Akihito, because they have eggs. S. M. R. T!"
"What's the water for then, Tao?"
"Tea. Duh."
"But he likes scotch."
"That'll kill him. The bird at school likes cupcakes..."
"That'll kill Asami. Fei we have to get some food for him!"
"What do parrots eat?"
"I hope it's not worms. I don't want to kiss him if he's been eating worms."
"You're going to kiss him??"
"Yes I am! Um, do parrots even have tongues?
"Ewww, c'mon I thought we agreed no bird sex talk."
"Ornithoerotophobic!"
They all paused in their scrambling about to think about that. And to wonder how Akihito managed to put together so many syllables. The bird tried to claw its way out from under the covers they'd piled on him on the bed.
"He's too hot!"
"No, he's too cold! Birds need to be kept warm."
"I can keep him warm against my chest."
"No, let me, poor fellow."
"Asami, my love, come to me."
"No, come over to me! Ow he bit my tongue! No sex for you!"
Suddenly the door swung open and slammed against the wall.
Kirishima's eyes were wild as his head swung around the room. Then they fell upon the parrot. He pressed his lips together, sidled over to the bed as if he hoped they wouldn't notice, picked up a pillowcase, and snatching the bird stuffed him inside and ran out the door!
"Asami! No!"
"Kirishima, you traitor!"
Fei and Akihito darted out of the room, things flapping as they nakedly chased the suit-clad secretary through the upstairs hall and down the stairs. Thinking quickly, Akihito jumped on the bannister to slide down it. "Ow ow ow ow ow! Wood burn!" Thinking quickly wasn't Akihito's strong suit.
He jumped off, tumbled into Fei who grabbed him and lost his balance, and they both went headlong into Kirishima who slammed into Yoh who was looking up the stairs with an inquisitive then stunned look in his eye. Yoh's hair blew back for just an instant before he smoothed it back down, awkward as his position was on the bottom of the heap. Akihito shuddered. He was going to do his best to forget what he'd seen. I mean, a glass eye with a Hello Kitty face?
They all just sort of lay there for a second, Yoh no doubt reveling in the only time he'd be under a naked Fei, even if it involved a Kirishima sandwich. A bird squawked from somewhere below.
"Asami! Don't be afraid, we'll save you!" shouted Fei.
"Ryu, don't move, we'll get you out!" cried Akihito.
"Fei-sama???" queried Yoh tremulously.
"FUCK."
That last was Kirishima, and they stopped struggling to see him looking at a pair of beautiful Italian shoes. Ashes fell to the floor next to them.
Asami gazed at the heap of bodies below him, his cigarette dangling forgotten from his hand.
"Yoh. No doubt you'll explain why you're underneath my two naked husbands in an apparent orgy, to which I was not invited?"
Yoh tried to grab something to help him squirm out from under the pile. Unfortunately he got a handful of Fei's ass and Akihito's cock. He promptly fainted.
With a sigh, Asami look down at Kirishima. "I know you're not at fault, old friend. Even though you have absolutely no reason to be here, holding the pillowcase I slept on the night before last. Which is apparently moving."
Kirishima blushed, then quickly reached into the bag and began moving his hand suspiciously. Asami knew his secretary had some strange habits, but that didn't mean he wanted to see them in action.
He focused on Akihito who was looking from the bag to Asami and back again. "You... you got better!"
Asami stared at him. Then looked in askance at Fei, who'd managed to scoot backwards to lean against the staircase. His hand was over his mouth and his cheeks a bright red. Both sets, Asami observed.
A voice popped in from above, where Tao was sitting on the stairs, laughing. "What he means, Dad, is that you're an ex-parrot!"
Akihito snorted, and they all broke into bellows of laughter.
"Worm breath!"
"Parrot tongue!"
"Ornithoerotophobe!"
And they laughed even harder.
Asami shook his head, glancing back and forth between them while they acted as if they were quite mad. He poked Yoh with his Crisci loafers. He thought he saw his eyelid move, but he'd bet Yoh would pretend unconsciousness all day just to avoid facing any of them. He nudged him aside. Well, kicked would be more accurate. He had had his hand on Akihito's cock.
He didn't know quite what to do with Kirishima, who was whispering endearments to him into the pillowcase, so he thought it best to pretend he wasn't there. It was one of those rare moments when he was at a complete loss.
But being Asami, that only meant that he fell back on instinct. He picked up one naked Akihito, took one naked Feilong by the hand, and headed up the stairs to his bedroom.
And if he found a few colored feathers on the bed for which he had no explanation, well, he just put them to good use.
~end~
Pairing: Asami/Feilong/Akihito
Rating: PG
Spoilers: none
Warnings: Crack, unbeta'd, but hey at least it's spellchecked...
Notes: It's your birthday, M, YAY! That is the only thing that seems to be able to make me write anything, even if it is this extremely silly business from my very rusty pen. I hope you get a smile or two from it, and have a very happy day (um OK have one tomorrow since today is almost over *runs*)!
Akihito opened his eyes to the sun streaming through the windows. It didn't quite reach the bed, but he was warmed from both sides already. Fei's face was inches away, his arm slung over Akihito's hip, their smooth chests pressed together. And Asami was at his back, warm and ticklish. He snuggled down, then jumped the hell out of bed with a shout.
"GAAAAHHH!"
Feilong was instantly up on one knee, gun in one hand, knife in another, head turning frantically from side to side, penis swinging in the breeze.
The parrot on the bed pecked at it.
"What in the...??" Fei jerked away. The parrot followed. The pair on the bed became a blur of flesh and feathers as the man tried to strike the flying squawking bird, which seemed to think it was an early bird and Fei's penis the worm.
"Wait. Wait!" Aki bellowed. "WAIT A MINUTE!"
The pair froze, the bird having wrapped Fei's hair around the man's face and eyes, Fei in the midst of trying to use the Force to locate it with his knife.
After what looked like a shrug, the parrot flew over to Asami's dresser, ruffled his bright plumage and tried to pull a cigarette out of the pack there.
"Need a light," it squawked.
"You want flame?" Fei growled as he tried to unknot his hair. "Akihito, light the fireplace. We're having squab for breakfast."
"Uptight." said the bird. "Fei Fei. Uptight."
"How dare you...? You... you..."
"Fei! You're arguing with a bird!" Akihito stopped to think for a moment. "Wait..." Of course, a moment for Akihito to think was several moments in people years. "Which... which means that that parrot is arguing with you!"
They both turned to stare at the bird. It now had a cigarette hanging out of its mouth. "You are so smart," it sang. "S. M. R. T."
They looked at each other.
The parrot turned to look in the mirror and preened.
"ASAMI?!"
"Asami," it repeated. "Pretty Asami."
"Oh my GOD Fei! Someone has turned Asami into a parrot!"
Fei's mouth dropped open, then closed, then opened again, then closed again, much like a very pretty carp. Then he turned and left the room.
"Asami, we'll get you out of this, I swear. We won't leave you a parrot." Akihito bit his lip and looked to the side. "And even if we can't, I'll always love you. I'll stay with you and feed you seeds and things and take care of you." He held his hand out and the parrot jumped onto it and strolled up his arm.
"Pretty boy," it said, and bit his ear.
"Stop that. I'm not having bird sex."
"Really? Really, Akihito? There were some things I'd hoped never to hear even in this house. Sex with puppies and birds and pandas were on that list. Can I not have this one simple wish granted?"
"Tao." His face flushed as he turned to face the intruder. "I'm sorry you had to hear that, but if this is your Dad I will not hesitate to continue a loving adult relationship with him. You'll just have to put aside any bird-o-phobic notions and grow up."
Tao stared at him. "I really don't know how to parse what I just heard. Father, I'd like to help you but I need a translation."
Fei cleared his throat. "We, um, have reason to believe that this, mm, apparent parrot is, well, your Dad."
"My Dad."
"Yes."
"Asami Ryuichi. A parrot."
"Yes."
"I see."
"Tao! Fei, look at his face! It's all purple. I think he's choking!"
They pounded the boy on his back.
"No, stop, I'm OK. I just want... I'm just... OK."
"Here comes the son," the bird sang.
Tao's eyes narrowed. "I absolutely refuse to believe this." He paced the confines of the room, then shot around. "How many points did the Nikkei fall yesterday?"
The bird tilted its head the way birds do. "Dammit Jim, I'm a parrot."
Tao sighed in frustration. "Are you my father?"
It whistled in and out like Darth Vader. "Luke. I am your father."
They all gasped.
Then they panicked.
"It's true!"
"What now?"
"Asami, who did this to you?"
"You need to lie down."
"Get some blankets!"
"Should I boil water?"
"Fei, he's not having baby birds!"
"No he's not, Akihito, because they have eggs. S. M. R. T!"
"What's the water for then, Tao?"
"Tea. Duh."
"But he likes scotch."
"That'll kill him. The bird at school likes cupcakes..."
"That'll kill Asami. Fei we have to get some food for him!"
"What do parrots eat?"
"I hope it's not worms. I don't want to kiss him if he's been eating worms."
"You're going to kiss him??"
"Yes I am! Um, do parrots even have tongues?
"Ewww, c'mon I thought we agreed no bird sex talk."
"Ornithoerotophobic!"
They all paused in their scrambling about to think about that. And to wonder how Akihito managed to put together so many syllables. The bird tried to claw its way out from under the covers they'd piled on him on the bed.
"He's too hot!"
"No, he's too cold! Birds need to be kept warm."
"I can keep him warm against my chest."
"No, let me, poor fellow."
"Asami, my love, come to me."
"No, come over to me! Ow he bit my tongue! No sex for you!"
Suddenly the door swung open and slammed against the wall.
Kirishima's eyes were wild as his head swung around the room. Then they fell upon the parrot. He pressed his lips together, sidled over to the bed as if he hoped they wouldn't notice, picked up a pillowcase, and snatching the bird stuffed him inside and ran out the door!
"Asami! No!"
"Kirishima, you traitor!"
Fei and Akihito darted out of the room, things flapping as they nakedly chased the suit-clad secretary through the upstairs hall and down the stairs. Thinking quickly, Akihito jumped on the bannister to slide down it. "Ow ow ow ow ow! Wood burn!" Thinking quickly wasn't Akihito's strong suit.
He jumped off, tumbled into Fei who grabbed him and lost his balance, and they both went headlong into Kirishima who slammed into Yoh who was looking up the stairs with an inquisitive then stunned look in his eye. Yoh's hair blew back for just an instant before he smoothed it back down, awkward as his position was on the bottom of the heap. Akihito shuddered. He was going to do his best to forget what he'd seen. I mean, a glass eye with a Hello Kitty face?
They all just sort of lay there for a second, Yoh no doubt reveling in the only time he'd be under a naked Fei, even if it involved a Kirishima sandwich. A bird squawked from somewhere below.
"Asami! Don't be afraid, we'll save you!" shouted Fei.
"Ryu, don't move, we'll get you out!" cried Akihito.
"Fei-sama???" queried Yoh tremulously.
"FUCK."
That last was Kirishima, and they stopped struggling to see him looking at a pair of beautiful Italian shoes. Ashes fell to the floor next to them.
Asami gazed at the heap of bodies below him, his cigarette dangling forgotten from his hand.
"Yoh. No doubt you'll explain why you're underneath my two naked husbands in an apparent orgy, to which I was not invited?"
Yoh tried to grab something to help him squirm out from under the pile. Unfortunately he got a handful of Fei's ass and Akihito's cock. He promptly fainted.
With a sigh, Asami look down at Kirishima. "I know you're not at fault, old friend. Even though you have absolutely no reason to be here, holding the pillowcase I slept on the night before last. Which is apparently moving."
Kirishima blushed, then quickly reached into the bag and began moving his hand suspiciously. Asami knew his secretary had some strange habits, but that didn't mean he wanted to see them in action.
He focused on Akihito who was looking from the bag to Asami and back again. "You... you got better!"
Asami stared at him. Then looked in askance at Fei, who'd managed to scoot backwards to lean against the staircase. His hand was over his mouth and his cheeks a bright red. Both sets, Asami observed.
A voice popped in from above, where Tao was sitting on the stairs, laughing. "What he means, Dad, is that you're an ex-parrot!"
Akihito snorted, and they all broke into bellows of laughter.
"Worm breath!"
"Parrot tongue!"
"Ornithoerotophobe!"
And they laughed even harder.
Asami shook his head, glancing back and forth between them while they acted as if they were quite mad. He poked Yoh with his Crisci loafers. He thought he saw his eyelid move, but he'd bet Yoh would pretend unconsciousness all day just to avoid facing any of them. He nudged him aside. Well, kicked would be more accurate. He had had his hand on Akihito's cock.
He didn't know quite what to do with Kirishima, who was whispering endearments to him into the pillowcase, so he thought it best to pretend he wasn't there. It was one of those rare moments when he was at a complete loss.
But being Asami, that only meant that he fell back on instinct. He picked up one naked Akihito, took one naked Feilong by the hand, and headed up the stairs to his bedroom.
And if he found a few colored feathers on the bed for which he had no explanation, well, he just put them to good use.
~end~