Sort of fic in a cracky kind of way birthday gift ;P
Happy Birthday Beth! You deserve the best day ever. *hugs* :)
It's a funny coincidence, seeing how it's Beth's birthday, because it chanced the other day that some camera footage of an unexpected meeting fell into my hands. Is it related? I'm not sure, but it could be. Unfortunately after watching it once, my computer was attacked by a number of bots which erased the file beyond recovery. And, I noticed, copied my fan art library of Liu Feilong. But in case I disappear, I want to tell you all what was on it. It was incomplete, sadly, yet hopefully I can share what I saw...
Smoke swirled heavily about the darkened room. There was one bare light bulb hanging over a round table, about which sat four familiar Asian men. Another, the blond, sat in the corner, outcast as usual.
Feilong was speaking around the hash pipe he puffed furiously. "I've never had one like this. I'm just not sure what's expected. I can't afford this coming back to haunt me. It's why I wanted to meet."
Asami was sitting back in his chair, legs crossed, cigarette dangling from his lips. "She's a nice woman, but she's in a position to do a lot of damage. Just think if a future OVA gets in her hands and we've pissed her off. Hell, she could make us break into song and spout poetry."
"I think that's highly unlikely, Asami-sama."
"About as unlikely as you recognizing humor, Yoh. Shut up and listen. And point that glowering eye at someone else."
Feilong found himself on the receiving end of an unblinking stare. "Jesus, Asami, why couldn't you have picked someone with a personality? And two visible eyes?"
Asami shrugged. "Think about it. What's he supposed to do? Watch you. With that stare he's the best watcher in the business. Plus you never know what the other eye is looking at."
Akihito looked at Yoh. "Ewwww."
Mikhail stalked over to the table. "Well he can stare from a distance just as easily." He picked the chair up, Yoh and all, and put him against the wall, then came back to take Yoh's place at the table. He grabbed a chair, and stuck it next to Feilong, then straddled it, muttering, "It's like the freaking Eye of Sauron..."
Feilong looked down his nose at the Russian. "I'd rather look like an evil villain than a retro milkman."
Akihito snorted into his soda. "Keep it up then, Feilong, you're doing just fine."
"You little prick, after I offered to give you a home..."
"You what?!" Asami and Mikhail shouted, then shot each other disgusted looks.
"All of you, stop it this instant!" Three of the men at the table jumped to their feet in shock, drawing their guns. Akihito blinked. "Huh?"
Yan walked out of the shadows. He was wearing golfing gear and carrying a putter. "Oh for God's sake, put those away. We're off the clock here. I thought I was done with you bunch, but no, Yamane has to slip a reference in that might bring me back for a reunion show. Do you think I'm happy about it? I've moved on, got a nice job in sales, a wife, three kids, two dogs. I'm a member of the PTA for god's sake. And all I get is hatred from a bunch of psycho fangirls for a role I once played. I'll end up like Shatner because of this, but my agent insisted. So I just want you to all shut up and listen for a change."
"Yan...?"
"Feilong, sit. You too, Asami. Why's the milkman here? With a gun? And what's with the freak in the corner? My god what has this story come to? No." He held up a hand. "No, don't answer that. Let's just solve the problem."
Asami leaned back in his chair and let his gaze travel insolently over Yan's clothing. "And just how do you plan to do that? You couldn't even get a date with your brother. And you certainly won't now in those clothes."
Yan shot a nasty glance at him. "All you managed to do was fill him with holes, twice, and lose your boyfriend. I don't think you want to keep score here."
Asami shut his mouth. Akihito listened with interest. He was obviously taking mental notes and finding it a bit difficult since there was little to write on.
Yan stood in front of the table. "OK then. I learned problem-solving skills in my management classes."
Mikhail groaned.
"And we're going to use them here. First. What's the problem?"
"You're alive."
"Your sense of fashion."
"You've got to be kidding."
Akihito raised his hand. "Oh pick me! I know!"
"Well I'm glad one of you wants to establish a synergistic goal-oriented commonality."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Mikhail whispered to Feilong.
Feilong shrugged. "Fuck if I know."
"Yes, Takaba, what is it?" Yan beamed at him. Feilong almost lost his lunch at the sight.
"One of our fangirls has a birthday, and we just don't know what to get her. She's not typical."
Yan pulled out a dry-erase board on an easel and a marker and started writing.
Mikhail groaned again. "Feilong, my love, allow me one bullet, please?"
Feilong pursed his lips in thought. The marker screeched on the board. "I'll consider it."
Mikhail started cleaning his gun.
Yan finished writing. "Ok, fangirl. Birthday. Special problem. What's the problem Takaba?"
"She's very sweet but she does some work for an anime company."
Even Yan paused at hearing that one. "Production work? Not secretarial?" Akihito nodded. "That is a tough one. We have to be very careful."
"Well thank you Mr. Obvious," Asami muttered around his fifth cigarette of the last fifteen minutes. "Hey, can I get a drink here? Yoh! Get us some whiskey! And stop glowering at me!"
Mikhail was curious. "How can you tell what's a glower and what isn't?"
"I can't. I'm just hoping for another facial expression some day."
Yan had folded his arms and was tapping the toe of his golf shoe on the floor. "Gentlemen, if we might continue with the business at hand. We need to be proactive and shift this paradigm."
Asami waved his assent. "Oh sure, you go right ahead and shift away. Metamucil might help. Wait, you forgot the pie chart." Yan looked at his easel in alarm. "You'd best draw one." Asami turned to Feilong. "Can I have a hit on your pipe?"
Feilong shook his head. "It won't help. It won't make him go away. It just puts singing bunnies in the background."
Everyone stopped to look at him. Akihito leaned forward and sniffed. "What the hell kind of hash are you smoking, dude?"
"Gentlemen! I've drawn the outline of the pie chart--"
"You mean a circle? Well done." Asami smirked.
Mikhail sniggered.
"...and I'd like us all to brainstorm with ideas that we'll use to fill it in."
Asami was enjoying himself. "Shouldn't we be thinking outside the pie chart, Yan?"
Yan paused. "That's brilliant. Let me make a note of that."
Mikhail groaned. "Feilong, my gun is clean and everything. Just one shot, my love? Please?"
Feilong looked over with concerned eyes. "You promise you won't shoot the bunnies?"
Mikhail laid his hand on his heart. "I swear the bunnies will be untouched. My god you're so cute when you're stoned." He reached out to caress Feilong's cheek but to his shock found Yoh's cheek instead. And not the one on his face. He wiped his hand on Akihito's shirt.
"Hey!"
Yoh placed a glass of whiskey in front of Feilong. "It's diluted, Feilong-sama."
He placed a full glass in front of Asami, and waited. He refilled the drained glass. Twice.
He turned to Mikhail and placed a wine glass in front of him. Mikhail looked up at him, suspicious. "What did you do to it?"
Yoh stared blandly back. "Nothing."
Mikhail took a sip and spit it out. "It's prune juice!"
The corner of Yoh's mouth turned up.
Asami stopped drinking. "Well, I'll be damned."
Feilong was staring at Yoh, mesmerized. "Do that again."
Yoh leaned forward so only Feilong could see him, and he must have done something right, because Feilong sat up and kissed him. Yoh straightened and licked his lips, then shot a condescending glance at Mikhail. "You have to save your weapon for the right time, then just do it. Only an idiot waits for permission."
Mikhail scowled. "Fine." He picked up his magazine and slammed it into his gun, then shot a hole in the pie chart, dead center. "Enough with this crap. I just gave your two-dimensional pie chart an introduction to a three dimensional paradigm shift, and unless you want this mentioned in your annual review, I suggest you shift your paradigm out of here."
"Not bad," Yoh murmured.
Yan tossed his marker onto the table. "Union rates aren't enough for this. Solve your own damned problems. If you ever come to your senses, look me up at Lake Tahoe." He took his board and putter and marched out the door.
The others breathed sighs of relief.
"But what do we do now?" Akihito asked.
Feilong pulled out his cellphone. "I should have done this in the beginning." He waited for his call to connect. "Tao? Protocol problem. Fangirl, birthday, works in anime, want to make her happy but not offend her. What do you think?"
He listened, then glanced around the table. "Asami, Yoh, Mikhail Arbatov, Akihito, me." He listened a bit more. "Uh-huh. Are you sure about that? It's just... No, no, I'm not doubting you, don't cry! If you're sure. I mean, of course you're sure, you must be, to suggest something like that. Thank you."
Feilong hung up and took a gulp of diluted whiskey. "I really don't want to do this." He picked up the marker and started drawing on the table, the others watching and nodding. Yoh smiled again. Akihito got his equipment out.
They put three chairs in a row and Asami, Mikhail, and Yoh sat on them, naked. Mikhail grinned up at Feilong. "Your turn, baby."
Feilong removed his cheongsam, slowly, wiping the smirks from their face with an exquisite erotic striptease, peeling the silk from his body and letting them wish they were those scraps of material, just to caress his skin for a moment. By the time he lay down across their laps, facing the camera, they were stunned into silence.
Feilong wiggled a little to get comfortable. "Mikhail, that better be your gun poking at my ass."
"Don't worry. Yoh has his gun poking at mine. I'm not about to let that happen."
"Yoh's two feet away from you!" Feilong looked speculatively over his shoulder at Yoh who was smiling smugly.
Akihito adjusted the cameras, then shyly removed his clothes. They all watched, transfixed as his unassuming beauty was revealed. Mikhail glanced to his right where Asami was wearing a proud smile. "You are so whipped."
Asami glanced at him. "At least I'm not masturbating every night to a photo album of hidden camera shots."
Feilong tried to sit up. "What???"
"Shit, you bastard. Take the picture, Takaba!"
Akihito sat in the front, his body strategically placed at Feilong's hip level. He held some kind of a sign, also strategically placed.
"Everyone ready?" At their assents, he snapped several shots. "OK we're done. I'll email it to her. And send everyone a copy," he added, forestalling the requests.
He went to stand up but found himself pulled onto Asami's lap. "Since we're here, Akihito, and naked...."
Mikhail and Yoh looked down at Feilong, then each other. "It would be a shame, Yoh..." ".... to waste this opportunity, Mikhail."
"Oh hell no!" Feilong tried to get away, but even Akihito could tell he wasn't trying very hard. "Mikhail! That's obscene! Yoh, that's... that's inhuman -"
At that point, sadly, the footage broke off, as if someone took a knife to it. What followed will only ever take place in our imagination. Unless of course I manage to find a copy. And if I ever do, I promise, I'll share.
~end~
It's a funny coincidence, seeing how it's Beth's birthday, because it chanced the other day that some camera footage of an unexpected meeting fell into my hands. Is it related? I'm not sure, but it could be. Unfortunately after watching it once, my computer was attacked by a number of bots which erased the file beyond recovery. And, I noticed, copied my fan art library of Liu Feilong. But in case I disappear, I want to tell you all what was on it. It was incomplete, sadly, yet hopefully I can share what I saw...
Smoke swirled heavily about the darkened room. There was one bare light bulb hanging over a round table, about which sat four familiar Asian men. Another, the blond, sat in the corner, outcast as usual.
Feilong was speaking around the hash pipe he puffed furiously. "I've never had one like this. I'm just not sure what's expected. I can't afford this coming back to haunt me. It's why I wanted to meet."
Asami was sitting back in his chair, legs crossed, cigarette dangling from his lips. "She's a nice woman, but she's in a position to do a lot of damage. Just think if a future OVA gets in her hands and we've pissed her off. Hell, she could make us break into song and spout poetry."
"I think that's highly unlikely, Asami-sama."
"About as unlikely as you recognizing humor, Yoh. Shut up and listen. And point that glowering eye at someone else."
Feilong found himself on the receiving end of an unblinking stare. "Jesus, Asami, why couldn't you have picked someone with a personality? And two visible eyes?"
Asami shrugged. "Think about it. What's he supposed to do? Watch you. With that stare he's the best watcher in the business. Plus you never know what the other eye is looking at."
Akihito looked at Yoh. "Ewwww."
Mikhail stalked over to the table. "Well he can stare from a distance just as easily." He picked the chair up, Yoh and all, and put him against the wall, then came back to take Yoh's place at the table. He grabbed a chair, and stuck it next to Feilong, then straddled it, muttering, "It's like the freaking Eye of Sauron..."
Feilong looked down his nose at the Russian. "I'd rather look like an evil villain than a retro milkman."
Akihito snorted into his soda. "Keep it up then, Feilong, you're doing just fine."
"You little prick, after I offered to give you a home..."
"You what?!" Asami and Mikhail shouted, then shot each other disgusted looks.
"All of you, stop it this instant!" Three of the men at the table jumped to their feet in shock, drawing their guns. Akihito blinked. "Huh?"
Yan walked out of the shadows. He was wearing golfing gear and carrying a putter. "Oh for God's sake, put those away. We're off the clock here. I thought I was done with you bunch, but no, Yamane has to slip a reference in that might bring me back for a reunion show. Do you think I'm happy about it? I've moved on, got a nice job in sales, a wife, three kids, two dogs. I'm a member of the PTA for god's sake. And all I get is hatred from a bunch of psycho fangirls for a role I once played. I'll end up like Shatner because of this, but my agent insisted. So I just want you to all shut up and listen for a change."
"Yan...?"
"Feilong, sit. You too, Asami. Why's the milkman here? With a gun? And what's with the freak in the corner? My god what has this story come to? No." He held up a hand. "No, don't answer that. Let's just solve the problem."
Asami leaned back in his chair and let his gaze travel insolently over Yan's clothing. "And just how do you plan to do that? You couldn't even get a date with your brother. And you certainly won't now in those clothes."
Yan shot a nasty glance at him. "All you managed to do was fill him with holes, twice, and lose your boyfriend. I don't think you want to keep score here."
Asami shut his mouth. Akihito listened with interest. He was obviously taking mental notes and finding it a bit difficult since there was little to write on.
Yan stood in front of the table. "OK then. I learned problem-solving skills in my management classes."
Mikhail groaned.
"And we're going to use them here. First. What's the problem?"
"You're alive."
"Your sense of fashion."
"You've got to be kidding."
Akihito raised his hand. "Oh pick me! I know!"
"Well I'm glad one of you wants to establish a synergistic goal-oriented commonality."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Mikhail whispered to Feilong.
Feilong shrugged. "Fuck if I know."
"Yes, Takaba, what is it?" Yan beamed at him. Feilong almost lost his lunch at the sight.
"One of our fangirls has a birthday, and we just don't know what to get her. She's not typical."
Yan pulled out a dry-erase board on an easel and a marker and started writing.
Mikhail groaned again. "Feilong, my love, allow me one bullet, please?"
Feilong pursed his lips in thought. The marker screeched on the board. "I'll consider it."
Mikhail started cleaning his gun.
Yan finished writing. "Ok, fangirl. Birthday. Special problem. What's the problem Takaba?"
"She's very sweet but she does some work for an anime company."
Even Yan paused at hearing that one. "Production work? Not secretarial?" Akihito nodded. "That is a tough one. We have to be very careful."
"Well thank you Mr. Obvious," Asami muttered around his fifth cigarette of the last fifteen minutes. "Hey, can I get a drink here? Yoh! Get us some whiskey! And stop glowering at me!"
Mikhail was curious. "How can you tell what's a glower and what isn't?"
"I can't. I'm just hoping for another facial expression some day."
Yan had folded his arms and was tapping the toe of his golf shoe on the floor. "Gentlemen, if we might continue with the business at hand. We need to be proactive and shift this paradigm."
Asami waved his assent. "Oh sure, you go right ahead and shift away. Metamucil might help. Wait, you forgot the pie chart." Yan looked at his easel in alarm. "You'd best draw one." Asami turned to Feilong. "Can I have a hit on your pipe?"
Feilong shook his head. "It won't help. It won't make him go away. It just puts singing bunnies in the background."
Everyone stopped to look at him. Akihito leaned forward and sniffed. "What the hell kind of hash are you smoking, dude?"
"Gentlemen! I've drawn the outline of the pie chart--"
"You mean a circle? Well done." Asami smirked.
Mikhail sniggered.
"...and I'd like us all to brainstorm with ideas that we'll use to fill it in."
Asami was enjoying himself. "Shouldn't we be thinking outside the pie chart, Yan?"
Yan paused. "That's brilliant. Let me make a note of that."
Mikhail groaned. "Feilong, my gun is clean and everything. Just one shot, my love? Please?"
Feilong looked over with concerned eyes. "You promise you won't shoot the bunnies?"
Mikhail laid his hand on his heart. "I swear the bunnies will be untouched. My god you're so cute when you're stoned." He reached out to caress Feilong's cheek but to his shock found Yoh's cheek instead. And not the one on his face. He wiped his hand on Akihito's shirt.
"Hey!"
Yoh placed a glass of whiskey in front of Feilong. "It's diluted, Feilong-sama."
He placed a full glass in front of Asami, and waited. He refilled the drained glass. Twice.
He turned to Mikhail and placed a wine glass in front of him. Mikhail looked up at him, suspicious. "What did you do to it?"
Yoh stared blandly back. "Nothing."
Mikhail took a sip and spit it out. "It's prune juice!"
The corner of Yoh's mouth turned up.
Asami stopped drinking. "Well, I'll be damned."
Feilong was staring at Yoh, mesmerized. "Do that again."
Yoh leaned forward so only Feilong could see him, and he must have done something right, because Feilong sat up and kissed him. Yoh straightened and licked his lips, then shot a condescending glance at Mikhail. "You have to save your weapon for the right time, then just do it. Only an idiot waits for permission."
Mikhail scowled. "Fine." He picked up his magazine and slammed it into his gun, then shot a hole in the pie chart, dead center. "Enough with this crap. I just gave your two-dimensional pie chart an introduction to a three dimensional paradigm shift, and unless you want this mentioned in your annual review, I suggest you shift your paradigm out of here."
"Not bad," Yoh murmured.
Yan tossed his marker onto the table. "Union rates aren't enough for this. Solve your own damned problems. If you ever come to your senses, look me up at Lake Tahoe." He took his board and putter and marched out the door.
The others breathed sighs of relief.
"But what do we do now?" Akihito asked.
Feilong pulled out his cellphone. "I should have done this in the beginning." He waited for his call to connect. "Tao? Protocol problem. Fangirl, birthday, works in anime, want to make her happy but not offend her. What do you think?"
He listened, then glanced around the table. "Asami, Yoh, Mikhail Arbatov, Akihito, me." He listened a bit more. "Uh-huh. Are you sure about that? It's just... No, no, I'm not doubting you, don't cry! If you're sure. I mean, of course you're sure, you must be, to suggest something like that. Thank you."
Feilong hung up and took a gulp of diluted whiskey. "I really don't want to do this." He picked up the marker and started drawing on the table, the others watching and nodding. Yoh smiled again. Akihito got his equipment out.
They put three chairs in a row and Asami, Mikhail, and Yoh sat on them, naked. Mikhail grinned up at Feilong. "Your turn, baby."
Feilong removed his cheongsam, slowly, wiping the smirks from their face with an exquisite erotic striptease, peeling the silk from his body and letting them wish they were those scraps of material, just to caress his skin for a moment. By the time he lay down across their laps, facing the camera, they were stunned into silence.
Feilong wiggled a little to get comfortable. "Mikhail, that better be your gun poking at my ass."
"Don't worry. Yoh has his gun poking at mine. I'm not about to let that happen."
"Yoh's two feet away from you!" Feilong looked speculatively over his shoulder at Yoh who was smiling smugly.
Akihito adjusted the cameras, then shyly removed his clothes. They all watched, transfixed as his unassuming beauty was revealed. Mikhail glanced to his right where Asami was wearing a proud smile. "You are so whipped."
Asami glanced at him. "At least I'm not masturbating every night to a photo album of hidden camera shots."
Feilong tried to sit up. "What???"
"Shit, you bastard. Take the picture, Takaba!"
Akihito sat in the front, his body strategically placed at Feilong's hip level. He held some kind of a sign, also strategically placed.
"Everyone ready?" At their assents, he snapped several shots. "OK we're done. I'll email it to her. And send everyone a copy," he added, forestalling the requests.
He went to stand up but found himself pulled onto Asami's lap. "Since we're here, Akihito, and naked...."
Mikhail and Yoh looked down at Feilong, then each other. "It would be a shame, Yoh..." ".... to waste this opportunity, Mikhail."
"Oh hell no!" Feilong tried to get away, but even Akihito could tell he wasn't trying very hard. "Mikhail! That's obscene! Yoh, that's... that's inhuman -"
At that point, sadly, the footage broke off, as if someone took a knife to it. What followed will only ever take place in our imagination. Unless of course I manage to find a copy. And if I ever do, I promise, I'll share.
~end~