[fic] Viewfinder: AU: Therapy: Ch 12
Title: Viewfinder: AU: Therapy: Chapter 12
Rating: PG-13
All warnings (spoiler and otherwise), plus notes can be found with Chapter 1.
Notes: This chapter is a little shorter, because there wasn't any place else to break to story. So in addition to this I'm also posting a side story I wrote a while ago for a timed writing on the vf_scribbles community. It ties into a moment in chapter 12 when Fei ponders his past. Some of you may have read it already. I think it's best read first.
Thanks to both dmnutv_archer and kawaiigato for their help. And kawaiigato, stay in bed and get well!
Previous chapters:
Prologue/Ch 1, Ch 2, Ch 3, Ch 4, Ch 5, Ch 6, Ch 7, Ch 8, Ch 9, Interlude, Ch 10, Ch 11
Sidestory: Crime and Punishment
Chapter 12:
3:55, next Monday. Feilong stepped out of the elevator as Takaba ran to the top of the stairs. They paused as they saw each other. Both had been thinking all week about what had happened. Both had discussed it with Hamada in their single sessions. Both realized it was a good thing, to be talking to the other about it. Neither particularly liked the other. Both were still very shy of the other's reaction. They nodded to each other and stepped to Hamada's outer door. Feilong opened it, and motioned Takaba in before him. Takaba blushed at being made to feel like a girl, then scowled and stepped in. He walked to the inner office door and held it for Fei, who scowled and stepped through.
**
Hamada looked up as they entered and had to laugh. Then they scowled at him. They were like twins.
"Good afternoon. Before we start there's something I need to let you know. I have to be out of town next week, so those appointments will have to wait until I return the following week. I've needed to reschedule some appointments into your single slots this week, since I felt you could easily miss two. If you wish, I can transfer you to another therapist for the duration?"
"No!" They looked at each other and glared.
Hamada snickered. "Well then, that's settled. We'll see each other two weeks from today. Now, if you two kids would be seated."
They moved to their chairs, very little of the tension from last week present.
"Now then, one more piece of business before we start. Feilong, was it really necessary to rile Asami up last week? He was all over my ass after you talked to him."
Takaba looked at Feilong. "What did you do?"
Feilong smirked. "I mentioned that we are in therapy together and that we had determined the problem was him."
Takaba snorted. "That's close enough to the truth."
"And I told him we were spending a lot of time together, and had grown quite close. I mentioned that you had a choice now, and that if he wanted to be picked he should shape up and act the suitor."
Takaba laughed.
Hamada's face was in his hands. "I know you guys think it's funny. OK, it is funny. But do you have any idea what you nearly cost Takaba?"
Takaba looked over, alarmed. "Me?"
"Yes, you. He was headed over to your apartment to reclaim you but I managed to put a two week hold on his assault. You're lucky he didn't show up anyway. Takaba, the guy has lost it. He wants you back. Now."
Takaba looked alarmed. "I didn't want to have to deal with this yet. What the hell am I supposed to do?"
"Do what you did last time if he shows up. Be aggressive. Don't let him take control."
"Do you honestly think that's going to stop him? When he's mad like this? I'll be lucky if he lets me live."
Feilong had been looking back and forth between the two of them. "What are you talking about? You're talking like you're afraid of him. He obviously cares about you. It was all over his face when he threatened to kill me for being near you."
Takaba sighed. "Get a clue Feilong. That's not love. That's ownership. When he gets mad at you for touching me, it's the same way he'd get if you touched his BMW. Taking me for a joy ride is the same as taking his car for one. Only he doesn't punish his car for the transgression."
Feilong stared at him in disbelief. "I know what I saw."
Takaba looked back, scorn on his face. "Obviously not. What? You've been jealous of his relationships for eight years? Well, I'd say you're lucky for escaping him, if he was the way he is now. At least you got some good things out of knowing him. It sounds like he made you stand up for yourself. He gave you the will to survive, and the guts to take chances, and made you believe in yourself, at least for a little while. Maybe he was nicer back then. You know what he does to his lovers now? The opposite. He takes control, takes your will, likes it if you fight so he can conquer. There hasn't been one time when he's started sex that it hasn't been an assault of some kind. Right Hamada?"
Feilong looked at Hamada, who nodded.
"So if you were dreaming of a partner who'd see you as an equal, think again. He's never thought that way. But one time, a couple months ago, I made him feel what it was like to have me as an equal, and he loved it. I'm never going back. I'm not going to submit again. He'll change or he won't have me. And I intend to make him change."
Feilong looked uncertain. "But, and forgive me if I'm wrong, it seemed as if you enjoyed being taken by force."
Takaba's mouth hung open in shock. "You thought I enjoyed being raped by you. Where the hell did you get that idea? Was the blood a dead giveaway? Or the tears? Or the struggling? You do realize you drugged me that first time, so I had no choice but to respond?"
"But you did respond, I remember it. There was some pleasure for you."
"Forced pleasure. Forced to enjoy my humiliation. How would you have felt if your brother had given you those drugs so you enjoyed it while he raped you. Huh? Would you have called it enjoyment?"
Feilong turned white.
"And what about the last two times? Those were worse. They were horrible! Do you know how many nightmares I've had about them, about you with those cold eyes? You almost killed me, both times. If Asami hadn't shown up, I'd be dead. I don't even think you saw me. Were you even there mentally when you tried to break me?"
Feilong looked guilty. "No. No I wasn't. I don't know what happened then. That's why I'm here. I don't want it to happen again."
Takaba's voice was flat. "Don't you. Well neither do I. You're fucking up my life, with all these rapes, so goddammit stop it! You and Asami. You think I'm some happy boy, don't you? Well I'm not. First he comes along and rapes me, using drugs, just like you did, to teach me my place. Then wherever he sees me after that, his club, my apartment, after you get through with me - wherever, whenever he wanted, he'd take me. And so it went for months. Yeah, I enjoyed him. He made me that way. But I never enjoyed what you did."
Hamada watched Takaba, a completely changed man, talking about the rapes that made him shatter and cry a couple months ago. He was fierce and angry now, able to talk because they'd talked about it so much. He wanted Feilong to get to that point as well.
He looked at Feilong, who looked disconcerted and uncomfortable.
That's right, face what you've done. To someone who was kind to you last week. Learn to feel the consequences for once. He's not just a nameless body, and not someone who deserved it, yet you hurt him.
His gaze shifted back to Takaba, whose voice had become bitter.
"Asami has been trying to cage and control me since the day we met. But it's not enough that it happens. He wants me to be the one to do it. To walk into the cage and close the door, to put the collar around my neck. And you know what? He's so good at it I was on the verge of doing it. Even now I care about him more than I've cared about anyone, and I'm not entirely sure why. I guess I see some good in him. Maybe I'm delusional, but sometimes I see a little of it come through. He'd stop it if he knew I did. It only happens when he's not aware that he's doing it. He has to be cold, hard, and he keeps saying it's nothing but sex. Sometimes I wonder who he's trying to convince, him or me."
Takaba had been looking off to the side. Now he turned that unflinching stare back upon Feilong.
"And then there's you. You go for a straightforward rape, yeah you sure do. Rape with the potential of death, and a side of humiliation. Because you want to get even with me for having fun," he spit the word, "with Asami. And get even with Asami for caring about me instead of you."
Feilong winced at the words, as if each was a blow.
"And finally there was Asami's little escapade with Hamada a couple months ago. That brought it all home. For once I thought I'd found someone to help me out of this mess and took a chance on them, only to find out I'd been betrayed before I even trusted."
"Do you know what you did to me?" He turned to Hamada. "You wanted to know what happened on the beach? I broke. I lost it. I couldn't function. I thought there was no way out except for death."
Hamada gasped. "But..."
"That's right. But. But I don't go down without a fight. So I looked at my broken self and rebuilt me, and made me stronger, impervious, hard. And I stuck all those feelings inside the new shell and pretended they didn't exist. And I came up looking like Frankenstein's monster, thinking I'd healed myself. Sound familiar Feilong? Because it looks like you've got a couple bolts in your neck as well. Congratulations. You created a monster. Just like yourself."
Hamada saw Feilong's eyes go wide as he sat there, stunned. Realizing it finally, are you? Hamada thought. Thank god.
Takaba's eyes softened a little. "But thank God that Hamada-sensei was here to pick up the pieces. He didn't give up, even though I was being the Ass of the Year, or at least the third place Ass of the Year behind you and Asami. He broke through and made me realize what an idiot I'd been. He's been helping me really fix the problem. I owe him. That's why I'm here."
Takaba looked at him, thanks in his eyes. He felt a glow in his chest that he'd never before felt from success in a case. He knew he'd never forget the feeling, and would spend the rest of his life trying to get it back on every case he took.
"Hamada-sensei made me remember that it's not living to shut yourself away and be scared. That life is made worthwhile by the risks. That's also why I'm here. I'm taking a risk in talking to you Feilong. I'm hoping that we can reach an understanding. That we can finally end the trouble between us."
Takaba finally fell silent, and waited. Feilong sat there, obviously uncertain.
Hamada knew this was the chance he'd been working towards for Feilong. He had to convince him to take it. "Feilong. We've talked about this. About friendship and the need for connections to others. I know you haven't thought it worth the risk. But look at the risk you took coming here, and how it's paid off already. And the risk you took in trusting me. Believe me, I know how much you felt you were gambling. But things are better for you for doing that. You need to risk pain to get the good things in life. You've come so far. Don't let your past rule your future anymore."
He waited, believing in the men who sat across from him.
The office was silent except for faint sounds of life from beyond the room.
Finally, Feilong looked up at him. He smiled wryly. "You're right. As usual. It's up to us in the end to change things."
He looked at Takaba and took a deep breath. "Very well. I agree. Let us end this. There's no reason for the enmity between us to continue. If you can do this, I have no objection to doing the same. And we will determine how to deal with Asami, together."
And so they finally talked.
**
Fei sat in the restaurant and looked at the food congealing on his plate. The day's therapy session kept playing through his mind, making it impossible to enjoy it. He poked at the duck breast, toppling the carefully stacked concoction on it. It tasted more like clay than the French cuisine he was paying for.
He scoffed at his weakness. So what if Takaba had been in pain? So he didn't like the thought of it anymore, that's what. He sighed. Hamada's meddling had made it impossible for him to remain detached from the young man. He no longer saw him as part of Asami, but a strong person on his own, one that he'd found himself admiring that day. Fei had to admit that in striking out at Takaba he'd struck the wrong person.
Fei owed Takaba an apology and he didn't like it. But he was an honorable man, and that was part of what honor meant.
Fei sighed again and pushed his tasteless entrée away. He just didn't want to eat, so he paid the bill and left the restaurant. The stars shone brightly even through the night lights of Tokyo, and a cool breeze tugged at his hair. He decided to walk for a bit. Dismissing his guard and driver over their protests, he set off on foot, with no particular place to go.
He wound up in a park that had some walking trails, benches, and some sports fields. There was a group of boys playing baseball on one of the diamonds, and he wandered over to watch.
He'd never gotten to play baseball when he was young. Because of the family, they hadn't been allowed to go to school, much less associate with other children. His sports were solitary ones. He remembered watching kids play ball, then asking his father if he could play too, only to be told that baseball wasn't for people like them. He knew it really meant that friends weren't for people like him.
He winced as a boy missed an easy catch. They were terrible players. But they were having so much fun. The easy camaraderie, the laughter and joking, someone to sling an arm around in happiness, someone to commiserate with in pain.
Fei had never experienced this. Certainly not with his brother, who was the only one available who might have been a friend, but who became someone who could not be trusted, only obeyed. He'd thought maybe Asami…
His chest felt heavy and his breath caught. Was this all he was destined to have? Surely he deserved something. But all he had were memories of pain and betrayal, not even interspersed with something sweet. That's what he'd thought he deserved. It was part of his punishment for failing his family.
But did Hamada have a point? Hamada had been right about a lot of things so far.
Maybe he was still punishing himself for being the one left alive, and no one deserves punishment for such a thing. Was this self-hatred? Or was it just him being afraid of another betrayal and the pain that followed?
Something hit the grass near him with a thump, startling him out of his thoughts. It was the baseball the boys were playing with. He bent down and picked it up, staring at it, the first time he'd held one, though he'd held one in dreams. His grip tightened on it. Maybe he had just been throwing his chances away all this time. What was so wrong with trying to gain some happiness?
"Hey, mister! Can we have our ball back?" One of the boys was shouting from the diamond.
He looked at the ball again then threw it, watching it arc over the green field into the hands of the boy who'd called to him. Connections. The boy waved his thanks, and Fei found himself waving back, then feeling foolish for doing so. He stuck his hands in his pockets so they wouldn't do something embarrassing again.
Connections to other people. Fei wanted one, desperately. One not based upon power or threats, but just friendship, someone to talk to. He didn't have a clue about how to make a friend. Did he just pick someone then leave them if they failed him, until he found someone who worked out? No, too time-consuming. He needed someone he already knew.
The only people he'd been talking to lately were Hamada and Takaba and Asami. Needless to say, Asami was out. He and Hamada agreed that they were just doctor and patient. That left Takaba.
Fei wondered what the chances were of Takaba ever considering him a friend, after the way Fei had treated him. Things had eased between them. But he still owed him an apology. Maybe that would be a good first step.
He looked at the clock on the park tower. It was late, but he wanted to do this before he changed his mind. He knew where Takaba lived of course. It was his job to know such things.
Fei set off to try to make a connection.
Illustration for Chapter 12
by mtarashidango
Chapter 13
Rating: PG-13
All warnings (spoiler and otherwise), plus notes can be found with Chapter 1.
Notes: This chapter is a little shorter, because there wasn't any place else to break to story. So in addition to this I'm also posting a side story I wrote a while ago for a timed writing on the vf_scribbles community. It ties into a moment in chapter 12 when Fei ponders his past. Some of you may have read it already. I think it's best read first.
Thanks to both dmnutv_archer and kawaiigato for their help. And kawaiigato, stay in bed and get well!
Previous chapters:
Prologue/Ch 1, Ch 2, Ch 3, Ch 4, Ch 5, Ch 6, Ch 7, Ch 8, Ch 9, Interlude, Ch 10, Ch 11
Sidestory: Crime and Punishment
Chapter 12:
3:55, next Monday. Feilong stepped out of the elevator as Takaba ran to the top of the stairs. They paused as they saw each other. Both had been thinking all week about what had happened. Both had discussed it with Hamada in their single sessions. Both realized it was a good thing, to be talking to the other about it. Neither particularly liked the other. Both were still very shy of the other's reaction. They nodded to each other and stepped to Hamada's outer door. Feilong opened it, and motioned Takaba in before him. Takaba blushed at being made to feel like a girl, then scowled and stepped in. He walked to the inner office door and held it for Fei, who scowled and stepped through.
**
Hamada looked up as they entered and had to laugh. Then they scowled at him. They were like twins.
"Good afternoon. Before we start there's something I need to let you know. I have to be out of town next week, so those appointments will have to wait until I return the following week. I've needed to reschedule some appointments into your single slots this week, since I felt you could easily miss two. If you wish, I can transfer you to another therapist for the duration?"
"No!" They looked at each other and glared.
Hamada snickered. "Well then, that's settled. We'll see each other two weeks from today. Now, if you two kids would be seated."
They moved to their chairs, very little of the tension from last week present.
"Now then, one more piece of business before we start. Feilong, was it really necessary to rile Asami up last week? He was all over my ass after you talked to him."
Takaba looked at Feilong. "What did you do?"
Feilong smirked. "I mentioned that we are in therapy together and that we had determined the problem was him."
Takaba snorted. "That's close enough to the truth."
"And I told him we were spending a lot of time together, and had grown quite close. I mentioned that you had a choice now, and that if he wanted to be picked he should shape up and act the suitor."
Takaba laughed.
Hamada's face was in his hands. "I know you guys think it's funny. OK, it is funny. But do you have any idea what you nearly cost Takaba?"
Takaba looked over, alarmed. "Me?"
"Yes, you. He was headed over to your apartment to reclaim you but I managed to put a two week hold on his assault. You're lucky he didn't show up anyway. Takaba, the guy has lost it. He wants you back. Now."
Takaba looked alarmed. "I didn't want to have to deal with this yet. What the hell am I supposed to do?"
"Do what you did last time if he shows up. Be aggressive. Don't let him take control."
"Do you honestly think that's going to stop him? When he's mad like this? I'll be lucky if he lets me live."
Feilong had been looking back and forth between the two of them. "What are you talking about? You're talking like you're afraid of him. He obviously cares about you. It was all over his face when he threatened to kill me for being near you."
Takaba sighed. "Get a clue Feilong. That's not love. That's ownership. When he gets mad at you for touching me, it's the same way he'd get if you touched his BMW. Taking me for a joy ride is the same as taking his car for one. Only he doesn't punish his car for the transgression."
Feilong stared at him in disbelief. "I know what I saw."
Takaba looked back, scorn on his face. "Obviously not. What? You've been jealous of his relationships for eight years? Well, I'd say you're lucky for escaping him, if he was the way he is now. At least you got some good things out of knowing him. It sounds like he made you stand up for yourself. He gave you the will to survive, and the guts to take chances, and made you believe in yourself, at least for a little while. Maybe he was nicer back then. You know what he does to his lovers now? The opposite. He takes control, takes your will, likes it if you fight so he can conquer. There hasn't been one time when he's started sex that it hasn't been an assault of some kind. Right Hamada?"
Feilong looked at Hamada, who nodded.
"So if you were dreaming of a partner who'd see you as an equal, think again. He's never thought that way. But one time, a couple months ago, I made him feel what it was like to have me as an equal, and he loved it. I'm never going back. I'm not going to submit again. He'll change or he won't have me. And I intend to make him change."
Feilong looked uncertain. "But, and forgive me if I'm wrong, it seemed as if you enjoyed being taken by force."
Takaba's mouth hung open in shock. "You thought I enjoyed being raped by you. Where the hell did you get that idea? Was the blood a dead giveaway? Or the tears? Or the struggling? You do realize you drugged me that first time, so I had no choice but to respond?"
"But you did respond, I remember it. There was some pleasure for you."
"Forced pleasure. Forced to enjoy my humiliation. How would you have felt if your brother had given you those drugs so you enjoyed it while he raped you. Huh? Would you have called it enjoyment?"
Feilong turned white.
"And what about the last two times? Those were worse. They were horrible! Do you know how many nightmares I've had about them, about you with those cold eyes? You almost killed me, both times. If Asami hadn't shown up, I'd be dead. I don't even think you saw me. Were you even there mentally when you tried to break me?"
Feilong looked guilty. "No. No I wasn't. I don't know what happened then. That's why I'm here. I don't want it to happen again."
Takaba's voice was flat. "Don't you. Well neither do I. You're fucking up my life, with all these rapes, so goddammit stop it! You and Asami. You think I'm some happy boy, don't you? Well I'm not. First he comes along and rapes me, using drugs, just like you did, to teach me my place. Then wherever he sees me after that, his club, my apartment, after you get through with me - wherever, whenever he wanted, he'd take me. And so it went for months. Yeah, I enjoyed him. He made me that way. But I never enjoyed what you did."
Hamada watched Takaba, a completely changed man, talking about the rapes that made him shatter and cry a couple months ago. He was fierce and angry now, able to talk because they'd talked about it so much. He wanted Feilong to get to that point as well.
He looked at Feilong, who looked disconcerted and uncomfortable.
That's right, face what you've done. To someone who was kind to you last week. Learn to feel the consequences for once. He's not just a nameless body, and not someone who deserved it, yet you hurt him.
His gaze shifted back to Takaba, whose voice had become bitter.
"Asami has been trying to cage and control me since the day we met. But it's not enough that it happens. He wants me to be the one to do it. To walk into the cage and close the door, to put the collar around my neck. And you know what? He's so good at it I was on the verge of doing it. Even now I care about him more than I've cared about anyone, and I'm not entirely sure why. I guess I see some good in him. Maybe I'm delusional, but sometimes I see a little of it come through. He'd stop it if he knew I did. It only happens when he's not aware that he's doing it. He has to be cold, hard, and he keeps saying it's nothing but sex. Sometimes I wonder who he's trying to convince, him or me."
Takaba had been looking off to the side. Now he turned that unflinching stare back upon Feilong.
"And then there's you. You go for a straightforward rape, yeah you sure do. Rape with the potential of death, and a side of humiliation. Because you want to get even with me for having fun," he spit the word, "with Asami. And get even with Asami for caring about me instead of you."
Feilong winced at the words, as if each was a blow.
"And finally there was Asami's little escapade with Hamada a couple months ago. That brought it all home. For once I thought I'd found someone to help me out of this mess and took a chance on them, only to find out I'd been betrayed before I even trusted."
"Do you know what you did to me?" He turned to Hamada. "You wanted to know what happened on the beach? I broke. I lost it. I couldn't function. I thought there was no way out except for death."
Hamada gasped. "But..."
"That's right. But. But I don't go down without a fight. So I looked at my broken self and rebuilt me, and made me stronger, impervious, hard. And I stuck all those feelings inside the new shell and pretended they didn't exist. And I came up looking like Frankenstein's monster, thinking I'd healed myself. Sound familiar Feilong? Because it looks like you've got a couple bolts in your neck as well. Congratulations. You created a monster. Just like yourself."
Hamada saw Feilong's eyes go wide as he sat there, stunned. Realizing it finally, are you? Hamada thought. Thank god.
Takaba's eyes softened a little. "But thank God that Hamada-sensei was here to pick up the pieces. He didn't give up, even though I was being the Ass of the Year, or at least the third place Ass of the Year behind you and Asami. He broke through and made me realize what an idiot I'd been. He's been helping me really fix the problem. I owe him. That's why I'm here."
Takaba looked at him, thanks in his eyes. He felt a glow in his chest that he'd never before felt from success in a case. He knew he'd never forget the feeling, and would spend the rest of his life trying to get it back on every case he took.
"Hamada-sensei made me remember that it's not living to shut yourself away and be scared. That life is made worthwhile by the risks. That's also why I'm here. I'm taking a risk in talking to you Feilong. I'm hoping that we can reach an understanding. That we can finally end the trouble between us."
Takaba finally fell silent, and waited. Feilong sat there, obviously uncertain.
Hamada knew this was the chance he'd been working towards for Feilong. He had to convince him to take it. "Feilong. We've talked about this. About friendship and the need for connections to others. I know you haven't thought it worth the risk. But look at the risk you took coming here, and how it's paid off already. And the risk you took in trusting me. Believe me, I know how much you felt you were gambling. But things are better for you for doing that. You need to risk pain to get the good things in life. You've come so far. Don't let your past rule your future anymore."
He waited, believing in the men who sat across from him.
The office was silent except for faint sounds of life from beyond the room.
Finally, Feilong looked up at him. He smiled wryly. "You're right. As usual. It's up to us in the end to change things."
He looked at Takaba and took a deep breath. "Very well. I agree. Let us end this. There's no reason for the enmity between us to continue. If you can do this, I have no objection to doing the same. And we will determine how to deal with Asami, together."
And so they finally talked.
**
Fei sat in the restaurant and looked at the food congealing on his plate. The day's therapy session kept playing through his mind, making it impossible to enjoy it. He poked at the duck breast, toppling the carefully stacked concoction on it. It tasted more like clay than the French cuisine he was paying for.
He scoffed at his weakness. So what if Takaba had been in pain? So he didn't like the thought of it anymore, that's what. He sighed. Hamada's meddling had made it impossible for him to remain detached from the young man. He no longer saw him as part of Asami, but a strong person on his own, one that he'd found himself admiring that day. Fei had to admit that in striking out at Takaba he'd struck the wrong person.
Fei owed Takaba an apology and he didn't like it. But he was an honorable man, and that was part of what honor meant.
Fei sighed again and pushed his tasteless entrée away. He just didn't want to eat, so he paid the bill and left the restaurant. The stars shone brightly even through the night lights of Tokyo, and a cool breeze tugged at his hair. He decided to walk for a bit. Dismissing his guard and driver over their protests, he set off on foot, with no particular place to go.
He wound up in a park that had some walking trails, benches, and some sports fields. There was a group of boys playing baseball on one of the diamonds, and he wandered over to watch.
He'd never gotten to play baseball when he was young. Because of the family, they hadn't been allowed to go to school, much less associate with other children. His sports were solitary ones. He remembered watching kids play ball, then asking his father if he could play too, only to be told that baseball wasn't for people like them. He knew it really meant that friends weren't for people like him.
He winced as a boy missed an easy catch. They were terrible players. But they were having so much fun. The easy camaraderie, the laughter and joking, someone to sling an arm around in happiness, someone to commiserate with in pain.
Fei had never experienced this. Certainly not with his brother, who was the only one available who might have been a friend, but who became someone who could not be trusted, only obeyed. He'd thought maybe Asami…
His chest felt heavy and his breath caught. Was this all he was destined to have? Surely he deserved something. But all he had were memories of pain and betrayal, not even interspersed with something sweet. That's what he'd thought he deserved. It was part of his punishment for failing his family.
But did Hamada have a point? Hamada had been right about a lot of things so far.
Maybe he was still punishing himself for being the one left alive, and no one deserves punishment for such a thing. Was this self-hatred? Or was it just him being afraid of another betrayal and the pain that followed?
Something hit the grass near him with a thump, startling him out of his thoughts. It was the baseball the boys were playing with. He bent down and picked it up, staring at it, the first time he'd held one, though he'd held one in dreams. His grip tightened on it. Maybe he had just been throwing his chances away all this time. What was so wrong with trying to gain some happiness?
"Hey, mister! Can we have our ball back?" One of the boys was shouting from the diamond.
He looked at the ball again then threw it, watching it arc over the green field into the hands of the boy who'd called to him. Connections. The boy waved his thanks, and Fei found himself waving back, then feeling foolish for doing so. He stuck his hands in his pockets so they wouldn't do something embarrassing again.
Connections to other people. Fei wanted one, desperately. One not based upon power or threats, but just friendship, someone to talk to. He didn't have a clue about how to make a friend. Did he just pick someone then leave them if they failed him, until he found someone who worked out? No, too time-consuming. He needed someone he already knew.
The only people he'd been talking to lately were Hamada and Takaba and Asami. Needless to say, Asami was out. He and Hamada agreed that they were just doctor and patient. That left Takaba.
Fei wondered what the chances were of Takaba ever considering him a friend, after the way Fei had treated him. Things had eased between them. But he still owed him an apology. Maybe that would be a good first step.
He looked at the clock on the park tower. It was late, but he wanted to do this before he changed his mind. He knew where Takaba lived of course. It was his job to know such things.
Fei set off to try to make a connection.
Illustration for Chapter 12
by mtarashidango
Chapter 13