Random Thoughts on G.I. Joe - The Rise of Cobra
Includes more SPOILERS than you can shake a reasonably sized stick at. Forewarned, forearmed.
When she's good, she's a blonde. When she turns bad, she dyes her hair black. The only thing worse than that is my friend complaining about her hair not magically turning back to blond when she abandoned the bad guys.
Technobabble.
The good ninja wears a black catsuit with a visor that makes him look inhumane. The bad ninja wears a white outfit that often leaves his face bare and looks cute and trustworthy. And sticks out among the entirely black-clad villains like a sore thumb.
If you look at this from a Western standpoint, it's original and finely subverted.
If you look at this from a Eastern standpoint, it's culture sensitive.
A win-win situation.
There's no known way to get hurt by bullets, if you have ever said even one line. Knives and shuriken on the other hand...
Your average G.I. Joe is a Caucasian or an African-American male. Only one of the organization's two women even does some fighting, although most of the time it doesn't make a difference. The other is a secretary and dies at the first possible opportunity. There are only two Asians and they are the computer whiz and the guy fighting with a katana. Stereotype much? They could have at least added a bit more varied troop at the big cheering scene.
Technobabble.
Points for saving Moscow before Washington DC. And for the black sidekick being the one saving both.
Minus points for wasting a perfectly good opportunity to give the movie a tragic, original and bittersweet ending by having the main character and his love interest die after making up and failing to save the world.
Cobra, Sharc (what's with the C?), Mantis... Am I seeing a theme here?
Why was that first scene there? It was only indirectly referenced twice in the movie and one of them contradicted everything the scene stood for and the other... well, we had to listen to a character recount the events of the first scene and then tell us its symbolism. Making actually showing the first scene unneeded. Wtf?
Severe minus points for the bad guys walking around the North pole in casual summer/early autumn clothes and not even shivering - or freezing to death. The good guys at least had some winter gear with them...
“Yo, Joe” shall be nominated for the Worst Pun on this Century Award.
Technobabble.
The most important goal to the bad guys: to reclaim the suitcase full of missiles.
The most important goal of the good guys: to protect the suitcase (from everything, including the bad guys) with their lives, if need be.
The moment the only female Joe (G.I. Jane? 0.o) and the only female villain (villainess? o.O) run into each other, they throw the suitcase full of super weapons from the second floor into a melee and keep on beating each other to bloody pulp. Mission oriented gals, aren't they...
Technobabble.
Apparently you can learn to pilot the lovechild of a helicopter and a jet-pack by simply sitting on it. A grown woman and a heavy suitcase suddenly attaching themselves on your leg won't unbalance you either.
G.I. Joes have video cameras disguised as tunas lying around, since they can whip up one at a moment's notice. So that's where all the funding goes...
Even if you can search every photo ever taken, it doesn't guarantee the target's name comes with it. So stop bragging that you can scan a photo of someone, find security camera footage of them and instantly know their full name. Security camera footage does not include the names of the people in the tape, just their looks. Idiot.
Was that Darth Vader standing behind the head honcho of the good guys? And the bad guy said he was going to plunge the world into chaos so that a single man could take the leadership and that he wouldn't be that man... This movie seems to have more layers and political intrigue than expected...
Storm Shadow? Snake Eyes? It's now official: as far as naming pupils go, their master was a total jerk.
Technobabble.
“A traffic jam? An interesting escape route...”
Kissing your husband after he has become useless and when the guy who's honor-bound to kill him if he ever touches you is in the same room, means you have either cunning or a terrible memory.
The tragedy involving Storm Shadow, Snake Eyes and their master is the equivalent of Cain getting pissed off at not being praised and killing God who made a show of applauding the only time he lost. Remember how I said the old man was a total jerk?
Hero: “Tell me your grand plan! It's not like I'm going to escape from your hyper duper ultra secure lair, right?”
Villain: “Fat chance.”
Okay, in reality he said: “I don't want to spoil the surprise” but still...
Bonus points for the Bad Guy prohibiting the mad scientist from doing certain tests because he's afraid of what would happen to the world.
One of the Epic Battles:
The heroes are pursuing the villains. They exert every effort, push themselves to the limits of their skills and pure luck, break the laws of physics and do their damnedest to catch the bad guys.
The villains... drive a Hummer through Paris.
Also the heroes caused more collateral damage than the villains who destroyed the Eiffel Tower and felled it like a giant tree on Paris. No wonder they got arrested...
Technobabble.
Where are their headquarters?
The heroes: Sahara, under the desert.
The villains: North pole, under the ice.
You are so not being subtle here...
Bad Ninja: *stares*
Bad Guy: “Oh yeah, forgot you don't kill women.”
Bad Ninja: “For you, I can make an exception.”
Instead of shooting a control panel across the room and thus avoiding the laser cannon booby trapped floor altogether, they had their resident black-clad ninja in a catsuit to walk on his fingertips there and stab the panel. Guys, if he hands in his resignation letter tomorrow, you now know why...
Extra fat bonus points for the twist ending.
Extra slim minus points for the whole “What movie? This was just the beginning!” ending. At least they had enough shame not to stick a huge “To Be Continued” sticker before the credits. Bad enough that a two-hour-long movie is made into a prologue.
Also, technobabble. You are doing it too much.
Final Grade: 3/5 - because both the ninjas and the mad scientist rocked. Hell, I would pay to watch a movie of any of them alone.