It's been a common theme as of late.
My hesitance towards this entry can be contributed to several factors that will be exlained in this post. Or, at least, implied within the post. Due to my daft paranoia and uncanny ability to time my final explanation on the eve of which more events happen to my story that changes the whole damned game up and I have to explain it all over again to whoever I told it was finished to, and it's just a mess. And so, I put my faith in the past few days of smooth sailing that all of the hullabaloo is over, that I've washed my hands with it, and that I am now, very much, ready to explain.
Is it really November already? I can't believe how long I've been here and survived it. I do have to hand it to the big man upstairs for giving me something to do in the past two months, even though I could have thought of a few less emotionally mind-fucking ways, but nonetheless, I was never bored.
Act I. It started in September when I started having feelings for a boy who I was spending a lot of time with. We'll call him Adakias. He would take me out and I would in general be very happy, very comfortable and feel very much wanted. What girl doesn't like that? Well, over the weeks, I guess a natural move in my mind would have been to seal the deal and our relationship would become 'official'. However, he had other plans in mind. Because he's leaving in a few months, he wasn't looking for anything serious. Another strange factor that I keep forgetting about is that he and his girlfriend broke up the day I met him. Over the next few months, even though we both knew where we were, we would still make plans to hang out and in general just be around each other. I think that was kind of funny is a weird, fate way. And sure, I was hurt at first, but I could still understand why. But those girl emotions of mine of course were just a-raging and a-crying in only a way an 18 year old woman can provide.
During these shenanigans, I was also made aware that Adakias's best friend, Ahrima, was crushing on me big time, yo. I barely knew Ahrima at this point, I just knew that he was a very good guy to talk to, and had a plethora of knowledge on comic books and the Joker before he was Heath Ledger. I can contribute my new love of comic books and pre-Ledger Joker to Ahrima, and I wont forget that. However, I think Ahrima and Adakias had discussed me in a, "So... who's gonna go for her first?" kinda deal, and from what I understand, Adakias had planned to step out of the way and let Ahrima have a go. Things obviously didn't turn out that way. I could see a few of Ahrima's subconscious sabotages: telling me I wasn't the first girl Adakias had done this to, there was another girl, he just does this...[I promise you, he's too nice of a guy to have done this consciously. Or so I thought at the time.]
Act II. While September was a month of learning new things about myself with the help of Adakias, October was the month of taking two steps back and seeing so much of myself in the context of who or what other people see me as. Adakias and I met on one October afternoon, which ended up being a lot longer than either one of us had planned. So much was put out on the table, too. Both of us said how we felt. I expressed my concerns over what Ahrima had told me, about the other girl and how I was hurting because of how easy I appeared to have gotten over, and that I didn't want to have feelings for him. That things would have been so much easier if I just never felt that way. Adakias told me that there wasn't another girl, that what Ahrima had neglected to mention while mentioning the other girl, was that he told him that he wasn't going to do anything because of what he'd already shared with me. Taking of what I knew of Adakias, I believed him. I still do. My opinion of Ahrima, however, was pretty much eating itself alive.
I was just distracted with that Bumper Sticker application on Facebook. Oh, how it entices me... *cough* L'anywhoodle,
I get home safe and sound from my splendiforous evening with Adakias, feeling so much better with all of my new found knowledge on the situation, and relying on the faith that he now knew where I came from. The sun had set on my adventure in the relms of College Love Triangles, and all was well.
And then I did something really, really, dumbshittastic and it pretty much ended with Ahrima accidentally finding out about *everything* Adakias and I had been doing. So the next day we ad plans to hang out, which we did, and I eventually owned up to everything. I apologised over and over again that he got the message [Now that I think about it, I never sent it to my friend. Huh.] and apologised for any kind of pain it may have caused him. I really did feel terrible. I mean, once I found out what I did, I ran around my house throwing myself against the walls, throwing vases to hear them shatter [unbeknowest to me, my landlady was watching the whole thing. gross and very creepy.] just to see if by doing any of that, an easy way out would present itself, and i would know what to do. But the fact of the matter was I was going to have to stand up to what I did, and that's pretty much what happened. I told him what he needed to know in relativity to what happened. He got everything off his chest, and I got everything off of mine. Again.
I went home that night very relieved, and yet... still feeling like shit.
Act III. After everything having chilled out to a great extent, I thought maybe the good times were back and here to stay. I could hang around Adakias without thinking about jumping him in the most unlady like style, and I could be around Ahrima without feeling awful. Things were looking up. Until the routiene was ruined. It was a very small spin of events, but I mean, it had some pretty grueling impacts. Instead of getting a ride with Adakias [as it has been pretty much since day one of college.] Ahrima came over and gave me a ride. Now, this wouldn't have bothered me so much if I didn't think that Adakias was actually upset with me, which I got the vibe that he was, and that really bummed me out. When Ahrima asked me what was wrong, and I told him, it set the mood for the rest of the day because the situation simply was this: I was crazy about his best friend, and not him. And while Ahrima was the better choice [so he put it] because of our compatibility and how much more we had in common than he percieved me to have with Adakias, things just didn't work out like they do in the movies, and the best choice will not always win out. I left that day believing things to be okay between us. We'd had another deep conversation, and I thought I had successfully closed the door. But as I'm starting to understand, it just doesn't work that way, no, not ever.
Ahrima called me a night later wanting to talk. We had previously had a coffee date for that night, anyway, but I had to cancel due to the house work that needed to be done if I was every going to leave for Disneyland on Halloween [AWESOME.] So we started talking, and he let me know that we was definitely not okay with how things worked out, but he would be. He promised me that he would be eventually, which I believed. I still do. He told me he didn't want to like me. He tried very hard not to after he knew what Adakias and I had been feeling for each other. But I'm very well aware of the sentiment, you can't control who you feel for. I have never seen such a raw display of human emotion before that night. All the defenses were down. He was completely vulnerable saying, "This is it. This is who I am. I'm sorry you have to see me like this." And he was actually saying some really amazing things that just made me think, "Why don't I like this guy? *knocks on heart* Hey! This guy has said everything you've ever wanted to hear and NOTHING?!" And that's what is was. We talked for a couple of hours, and sid goodnight, and hung up.
That's where it pretty much is now. It's been a while, and while smaller things have occured that make me think, I don't foresee anymore of things like this happening. It's all... just done, I think.
Adakias and I were standing out in front my house yesterday. He was getting ready to leave, and I walked him out to his car. He stood at his door, holding his arms out, asking for a hug. I stood my ground.
"You come here and hug me." I requested. This was a usual occurance, usually to see who wants the hug the most. I lose every time.
"No, you come here." He said. I took a baby step forward. I was within his reach, but still far enough for it to have been an effort to just grab me. He mimicked my action. We were now roughly an inch closer together. He motioned with his outstretched hands for me to come closer. I shook my head. He looked down at his feet. "I'm not going past this line. You have to meet me the rest of the way."
I thought about what he said and smiled, looking down at my own bare feet.
"You realise how much of this has become a metaphor for our entire relationship?"
He smiled and laughed, pulling on the belt loop of my pants and I fell into his arms.
"Tell me about it." He mumbled into my hair.
Le sigh.
Is it really November already? I can't believe how long I've been here and survived it. I do have to hand it to the big man upstairs for giving me something to do in the past two months, even though I could have thought of a few less emotionally mind-fucking ways, but nonetheless, I was never bored.
Act I. It started in September when I started having feelings for a boy who I was spending a lot of time with. We'll call him Adakias. He would take me out and I would in general be very happy, very comfortable and feel very much wanted. What girl doesn't like that? Well, over the weeks, I guess a natural move in my mind would have been to seal the deal and our relationship would become 'official'. However, he had other plans in mind. Because he's leaving in a few months, he wasn't looking for anything serious. Another strange factor that I keep forgetting about is that he and his girlfriend broke up the day I met him. Over the next few months, even though we both knew where we were, we would still make plans to hang out and in general just be around each other. I think that was kind of funny is a weird, fate way. And sure, I was hurt at first, but I could still understand why. But those girl emotions of mine of course were just a-raging and a-crying in only a way an 18 year old woman can provide.
During these shenanigans, I was also made aware that Adakias's best friend, Ahrima, was crushing on me big time, yo. I barely knew Ahrima at this point, I just knew that he was a very good guy to talk to, and had a plethora of knowledge on comic books and the Joker before he was Heath Ledger. I can contribute my new love of comic books and pre-Ledger Joker to Ahrima, and I wont forget that. However, I think Ahrima and Adakias had discussed me in a, "So... who's gonna go for her first?" kinda deal, and from what I understand, Adakias had planned to step out of the way and let Ahrima have a go. Things obviously didn't turn out that way. I could see a few of Ahrima's subconscious sabotages: telling me I wasn't the first girl Adakias had done this to, there was another girl, he just does this...[I promise you, he's too nice of a guy to have done this consciously. Or so I thought at the time.]
Act II. While September was a month of learning new things about myself with the help of Adakias, October was the month of taking two steps back and seeing so much of myself in the context of who or what other people see me as. Adakias and I met on one October afternoon, which ended up being a lot longer than either one of us had planned. So much was put out on the table, too. Both of us said how we felt. I expressed my concerns over what Ahrima had told me, about the other girl and how I was hurting because of how easy I appeared to have gotten over, and that I didn't want to have feelings for him. That things would have been so much easier if I just never felt that way. Adakias told me that there wasn't another girl, that what Ahrima had neglected to mention while mentioning the other girl, was that he told him that he wasn't going to do anything because of what he'd already shared with me. Taking of what I knew of Adakias, I believed him. I still do. My opinion of Ahrima, however, was pretty much eating itself alive.
I was just distracted with that Bumper Sticker application on Facebook. Oh, how it entices me... *cough* L'anywhoodle,
I get home safe and sound from my splendiforous evening with Adakias, feeling so much better with all of my new found knowledge on the situation, and relying on the faith that he now knew where I came from. The sun had set on my adventure in the relms of College Love Triangles, and all was well.
And then I did something really, really, dumbshittastic and it pretty much ended with Ahrima accidentally finding out about *everything* Adakias and I had been doing. So the next day we ad plans to hang out, which we did, and I eventually owned up to everything. I apologised over and over again that he got the message [Now that I think about it, I never sent it to my friend. Huh.] and apologised for any kind of pain it may have caused him. I really did feel terrible. I mean, once I found out what I did, I ran around my house throwing myself against the walls, throwing vases to hear them shatter [unbeknowest to me, my landlady was watching the whole thing. gross and very creepy.] just to see if by doing any of that, an easy way out would present itself, and i would know what to do. But the fact of the matter was I was going to have to stand up to what I did, and that's pretty much what happened. I told him what he needed to know in relativity to what happened. He got everything off his chest, and I got everything off of mine. Again.
I went home that night very relieved, and yet... still feeling like shit.
Act III. After everything having chilled out to a great extent, I thought maybe the good times were back and here to stay. I could hang around Adakias without thinking about jumping him in the most unlady like style, and I could be around Ahrima without feeling awful. Things were looking up. Until the routiene was ruined. It was a very small spin of events, but I mean, it had some pretty grueling impacts. Instead of getting a ride with Adakias [as it has been pretty much since day one of college.] Ahrima came over and gave me a ride. Now, this wouldn't have bothered me so much if I didn't think that Adakias was actually upset with me, which I got the vibe that he was, and that really bummed me out. When Ahrima asked me what was wrong, and I told him, it set the mood for the rest of the day because the situation simply was this: I was crazy about his best friend, and not him. And while Ahrima was the better choice [so he put it] because of our compatibility and how much more we had in common than he percieved me to have with Adakias, things just didn't work out like they do in the movies, and the best choice will not always win out. I left that day believing things to be okay between us. We'd had another deep conversation, and I thought I had successfully closed the door. But as I'm starting to understand, it just doesn't work that way, no, not ever.
Ahrima called me a night later wanting to talk. We had previously had a coffee date for that night, anyway, but I had to cancel due to the house work that needed to be done if I was every going to leave for Disneyland on Halloween [AWESOME.] So we started talking, and he let me know that we was definitely not okay with how things worked out, but he would be. He promised me that he would be eventually, which I believed. I still do. He told me he didn't want to like me. He tried very hard not to after he knew what Adakias and I had been feeling for each other. But I'm very well aware of the sentiment, you can't control who you feel for. I have never seen such a raw display of human emotion before that night. All the defenses were down. He was completely vulnerable saying, "This is it. This is who I am. I'm sorry you have to see me like this." And he was actually saying some really amazing things that just made me think, "Why don't I like this guy? *knocks on heart* Hey! This guy has said everything you've ever wanted to hear and NOTHING?!" And that's what is was. We talked for a couple of hours, and sid goodnight, and hung up.
That's where it pretty much is now. It's been a while, and while smaller things have occured that make me think, I don't foresee anymore of things like this happening. It's all... just done, I think.
Adakias and I were standing out in front my house yesterday. He was getting ready to leave, and I walked him out to his car. He stood at his door, holding his arms out, asking for a hug. I stood my ground.
"You come here and hug me." I requested. This was a usual occurance, usually to see who wants the hug the most. I lose every time.
"No, you come here." He said. I took a baby step forward. I was within his reach, but still far enough for it to have been an effort to just grab me. He mimicked my action. We were now roughly an inch closer together. He motioned with his outstretched hands for me to come closer. I shook my head. He looked down at his feet. "I'm not going past this line. You have to meet me the rest of the way."
I thought about what he said and smiled, looking down at my own bare feet.
"You realise how much of this has become a metaphor for our entire relationship?"
He smiled and laughed, pulling on the belt loop of my pants and I fell into his arms.
"Tell me about it." He mumbled into my hair.
Le sigh.