the art of getting by.
Fandom: Naruto
Characters: Hyuuga Neji & Haruno Sakura
Prompt: 199. childhood's end & 06. head in the clouds & angst: 09. change
Word Count: 5184
Rating: K+
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
Warning: AU.
Notes: Title is taken from the 2011 film of the same name. Written for 500themes & 10_whores & mission_insane. Prompt tables can be found here & here & here.
-
A river that flows too wide will never have a crossing point, she muses to herself.
It is a wry sort of realization, but it’s natural now, for her to feel this way. She doesn’t even think twice when something of the sort crosses her mind, for time has changed her. Time itself, she thinks, is so unforgiving that she may have nothing but it to blame in the end. Here, she wonders momentarily what the end will be like. Despite the well trampled path that is her life, with the rainbow of different footprints and plethora of different people, she can’t help but believe that in the end, her road will be empty.
“Is it okay like this?” he had asked one day before, when the luminance from the moon and sun no longer had room for her under their guidance. Her smiles had faltered slightly at his words, but she had nodded, a weak yes to the assurance he had been seeking.
The small smile she wears plays nostalgically on her lips at the fond memory. It is one of the few fond memories she has allowed herself to keep. Everything else is too much, too painful and too real. Memories, she has learned, are but an imitation of a pseudo-reality she is no longer allowed to have. The feeling of being so close, so within reach of something she so desperately wants is too heartbreaking. It is no surprise then, that she has chosen to forget. Both of them know however, that forgetting is another dream well out of her reach - she will never truly forget. The best she can do is pretend, and it’s all she has left.
-
“Eh?” Naruto blinks, the lights blinding him momentarily. “Where’s Sakura-chan?”
“Perhaps she was tired and went home?” Karin offers kindly, a quizzical smile playing on her lips. There is no longer any hostility between the two women who have been closest to the last living Uchiha’s heart. The woman with dark frames adorning her pretty face laughs softly at something her man says to his best friend, and all talk about the blossom is forgotten.
“So,” the blonde sitting comfortably beside them announces suddenly, full of a million smiles. “We’re all on for my party tomorrow, right? You better all show up - you too, Sasuke!” Ino jabs him in the arm, and adds with a sly wink, “For Karin’s sake, you better show up.”
Her comment is met with laughter all around the table, and Naruto chimes in, “Yeah, yeah, Ino. You’ve told us, warned us, and threatened us. I don’t think any of us are brave enough to not show up.”
At this, a small huff escapes her lips, “Just making sure!” With her arms crossed delicately across her rather large bosom, she mutters quietly, “and we all know what a misogynist Sasuke is. I don’t want him to be the reason two people are missing from my party!”
Another round of bellowing laughter meets her muttered comment, and in front of them, Ayame smiles fondly at the picturesque sextet sharing the prime of their lives together, enjoying everything amidst their threatening lifestyle. But when a typical Naruto-style stupid comment floats not-so-delicately to her ears, the deep seated feeling of something missing tugs at the woman’s heart. And it’s only then that she realizes, blending in the beautiful puddle of colours before her, one is missing.
The one that should’ve stood out as the brightest of all, guiding them all under the warmth of her colour - somewhere along the line, her colours had faded into the dim of the background. And perhaps it was a revelation, but Ayame, watching the interactions of the beaming sextet just radiating their current state of bliss, couldn’t help the sorrow welling up inside her, tucked neatly at the very base of her heart.
With Karin’s mature, loving shades of a darker cherry, and the twin blonde lights of their group, the delicate colors of cerise and coral had slowly, but surely been washed out to leave room for something more, something new. Somewhere along the way, the beautiful, kind-hearted woman had been left behind in the turmoil, lost to the people and events passing by.
So when Ayame turns back to study the still-beaming shinobi, it is with some unexplained sorrow tugging at her lips. The inexplicable joy at seeing such happiness bliss reflected in others is still present, but the realization that there is no longer the same for Haruno Sakura is something that will sit with her forever.
Because whatever they have now, the pretty girl is no longer privy to. Somewhere along the way, she has been replaced, until there is simply no longer any room for her.
With a bittersweet smile, she prays for Sakura’s happiness.
-
“Just the two of us?” Neji asks unwillingly.
Before him, Tsunade raises an eyebrow at the question. It is more than uncharacteristic for him, and not for the first time in his life, the soon-to-be Hyuuga patriarch is grateful for the delicate porcelain mask shielding his features. At the pointed look on the Hokage’s face, even he is unable to school away the embarrassed almost-blush that is brushing across his cheeks.
With a small bow to the woman, Neji turns to leave the room.
“Oh, Neji?” her voice drifts over from her wooden-throne, and he nearly cringes at the saccharine tone. “You won’t mind going over to brief her, right?”
Pause. “Of course not, Hokage-sama.”
“Good,” she nods, and he knows he is dismissed. Neji offers another bow, and slips out before she can think up of another stupid task. Only when he is sure he is out of sight does he let out a breath. If there had been any doubt before, he is absolutely sure now that their revered Godaime has a nasty streak of sadism within her. She knows. She must know, for her to so deliberately assign such a mission as a duet. Of course the mission is accomplishable with only two. But it makes less than no sense to assign two when three, and perhaps even four will be a much better fit. Especially since it involves her. The relationship, if it can even be called such, that he shares with Haruno Sakura can be summed up with no more than one word: complicated. She is neither here nor there any longer - her heart, he suspects, has been whisked away long before his eyes had even taken her in.
A sigh, unnoticed even to Neji, escapes his parted lips as he steps through the doors and into the blearing summer sun. It would be a relief to get out of Konoha to a colder climate right now, he muses. Surely, they can both do with a little cool air and wind chill, to clear their minds at the very. Neji offers the bored-looking Izumo a small nod before heading in the hospital’s direction. There are only a few places that Haruno Sakura can be found these days: the hospital, Training Ground Six (-not three, he had asked once, and had been very sorry indeed at the sorrowed look that flirted with her features), and the memorial. The hospital, he muses, is probably his best guess at the moment.
As he nears the looming building, a small patch of marigolds growing comfortable under the guidance of a large tree catches his eyes. It is odd, he thinks, for such a small amount of flowers to be growing in such a secluded places, for nothing but the huge tree to surround its fragile petals with. He shrugs, thinking nothing more of the serendipitous beauty as he steps into the wonderfully air-conditioned building. The receptionist, completely flushed in the face despite her tall glass of iced coffee, seems to flush a deeper shade at his entrance.
“Is Sakura here?” he demands quietly, a deep, humble baritone despite its power.
“Y-yes!” she nods vigorously as she digs out an ill-used book. “She should be in room 459 right now.”
“Thank you,” Neji nods before swivelling around and setting off.
The giggled whispers of the young, infatuated girl blows by his ears as he stalks past, but it is nothing new to him. Life is fickle like that; in a few day’s time, a more handsome, stronger enigma will catch her eye, and the joy and whatever else she would have bestowed on him will disappear like nothing at all. When he reaches room 459, he offers one brisk knock, notes the patient’s name on the small sign, and strides in. True to the receptionist’s word, Sakura is diligently scribbling away on the chart of the sleeping patient. Though she does not look up, he knows she senses him.
He waits for her to acknowledge him, and when she does, he notes with a slight pang that she looks too tired. More tired than the last time they had seen each other, and definitely more tired than she should be.
“Hi, Neji,” she says, the fatigue barely hidden in her voice. “What’re you doing here?”
“Mission,” he replies, handing her a sealed scroll. “Special orders from the Hokage. We leave tomorrow at 6.”
“Oh?” she arches a brow.
He nods back. “You should take the rest of the day off. It’s going to be a long mission.”
She is about to protest when she sees the look on his face. The words die on her tongue as she nods back, shrugging an okay. They stand awkwardly for a moment before he says bye and leaves. Sakura watches his back until she can no longer see his figure down the hallway before she follows.
Inwardly, she is pleased at this development. In her momentary mirth, she doesn’t realize how long it has been since the last time she has been this close to being happy.
-
Three weeks later.
Sakura hums as she washes the last of the cloth, and hangs it with the rest to dry. Outside the window just above the sink, new flakes fall atop the snow already resting on the ledge. It is a pretty picture, and is one that lightens her mood every time she catches sight of it. Beyond the flakes is a scene she has already memorized, of hundred year old trees that she is unable to put names to. She has always thought herself to be a people-person, but here, living in seclusion, she finds that it suits her. A change of perspective - a welcome change of perspective.
“How’re you feeling?” Sakura asks lightly over her shoulder, without looking. She hears some shuffles behind her, and a ruffle of the duvet before Neji’s muffled voice wafts over.
“Better.”
This time she does turn, and she studies him from her place by the sink, with her steaming mug of ginger tea. He doesn’t look better at all, she notes sourly, but lets his lie slide. It was a redundant question on her part, anyways. After a moment, Neji pushes himself up into a sitting position after a slight struggle, and watches her with amusement in his light eyes. He seems to mull over something, before he murmurs with a small, playful smile, “I want to eat steak tonight.”
Sakura rolls her eyes. “You know I can’t cook steak in this kitchen.” As if to reinforce her point, she gestures generally around the kitchen. He chuckles in reply, knowing the truth of her words. The cottage they are currently camped out in is rather unfortunate looking from the outside and a size-perspective. In truth, it is less of a cottage than a little shed-cabin, as it has little more than a small kitchenette, table for two, washroom, and bed. Walls apparently, in addition to space, are two things the builders of this cabin had not known of, as there are none of either in the living area. But despite it, in the few days the two have already spent there, there is no word that could better describe it than cozy.
Sakura pads over lightly to the bed, leaving her tea in the kitchen. She counts to seven with amusement, the number of strides it takes for her to traverse the width of the cabin. Dropping softly onto the bed next to Neji, she sighs contentedly. “Let’s nap, okay?”
She doesn’t wait for an answer, for she knows he will agree.
-
In another week, Neji is but a few trifle injuries away from full functionality.
Sakura is pleased with her work as she watches him go through a series of taijutsu movements. Though he is bundled up to a ridiculous extent - oversized scarf, gloves, jacket and her favourite, a hat - he is still graceful in his movements. With the snow falling around him gently, Sakura feels as if she’s watching a moving picture. Sitting on the rustic bench outside their temporary home with a cup of hot cocoa, she laughs when he sneezes delicately, and laughs all the more when he sends a glare her way.
After thirty more minutes however, she feels she has indulged his restlessness enough, especially as she feels the temperature drops. She gets up to retire back into the cabin, and gestures for him to do the same. Neji has never been a good patient, yet never the worst - but here, in seclusion, he has been better than she has ever seen him. Therefore he only hesitates for a moment, squeezes in a few more jabs, before following suite.
The warmth hits him immediately, and it’s gratifying. But still he huffs a few warm breaths on his cold fingers, but Sakura is already there, a small towel and extra cup of cocoa on hand. Neji ignores her expectant look as he takes the towel and dries off before taking the cocoa. By some sort of unspoken consent, both make their way to the small round table, plop down, and look outside, and at each other.
Sakura is the first to break their silence. “You’ll be well enough to travel in a few more days,” she pauses, twirls her cocoa. “Maybe a week. The road back is long, hard and cold. I don’t want you getting sick on the way back.”
He stares at her, long and hard. They both know his immune system is well enough to fight off the cold. In fact, judging by his feel of his returning strength, he would say one more day here is enough. But instead, he nods, “A week’s fine.”
Sakura nods absently. “I’ve already told shishou.”
Neji turns his stare on her, and studies her, really studies her for the first time in weeks. To his pleasure, she looks well, better than he remembers seeing her for the past year. There is a slight flush of colour in her cheeks, and a small, unconscious smile plays on her lips. When she catches him staring, she flushes a deeper rouge, but her smile widens. “What’re you looking at, Hyuuga?”
“Your face.”
“Why, is there something on it? Leftovers of your horrendous attempt to cook, perhaps?” she teases.
“I think that was the best meal we’ve had since coming here.”
She looks defiant for a moment, before acquiescing with a little laugh, “I think I agree.” She turns her gaze out the window, still smiling. “I like it here. It’s really…peaceful.”
“I know,” he murmurs. “It’s different.”
Suddenly, he feels a ridiculous urge to set everything straight. He locks eyes with her, his pearly gaze piercing her turbulent emeralds. She must see in them his intent, his crazy urge to cross the one taboo they’ve silently agreed never to do, for her smile drops. She tenses as well, and seems to hasten to scramble for a topic to change to. Anything but this.
“I think I’ll make a mango salad for din-”
“Sakura,” Neji says quietly. When she doesn’t stop rambling, he repeats her name, stronger this time. She stops, but the happiness has evaporated from her eyes, face, person.
“Have you forgotten?”
It is cryptic, general, otherwise harmless questions, but she bristles. “No.”
He nods. It is the right answer. Anything else is a lie, and kami knows the only thing they do not need anymore is another lie. “And have you accepted?”
The “no” is set to roll off her tongue when she hesitates, still gazing deep into his eyes. Then she starts to think, really think, for the first time since everything began.
Two years ago, Sasuke returns to the village, victorious and happy. Everything he’s ever sacrificed for has been achieved, and for the first time in thirteen years, he’s weightless. Stress-free. Problem-free. Naruto is ecstatic, as is Sakura and Kakashi. In fact, every one of their friends is over the moon, because it signals a return to normalcy, whatever that may be. At first, Sakura is sure of that, too. Though she can no longer claim to love Sasuke in the same childish fashion, she still considers Team Seven family. And now that Sasuke has returned, she believes her family to be whole once more.
Sakura, Naruto, Kakashi, Sai, and Sasuke. It’s perfect in her mind.
Then, the reality that Sasuke is no longer just Sasuke sinks in. To be more precise, Sasuke is no longer her Team 7’s Sasuke. He is still Naruto’s Sasuke, he is still Kakashi’s Sasuke, but he is also Karin’s Sasuke. That, in Sakura’s mind, is the impossibility of coexistence. She tries to fight the impossibility though - really, she tries. She tries to make Team Seven a sextet, tries to make Karin a real part just as she made Sai a part. But it’s futile, because she realizes soon enough that Karin already fits into the puzzle perfectly.
Two months after that, Naruto and Hinata finally have the wedding they have been stalling for months to have. Naruto had insisted that Sasuke must be there, and so the wedding had waited. Now that Sasuke is here, the wedding proceeds with glee, and Naruto officially becomes Hinata’s man. Sakura is genuinely happy for the pair - she has never seen the blond so surrounded by love, and that knowledge is enough for her.
Seven months after Sasuke’s return, the impossible happens. On one sunny morning, Sai declares rather awkwardly that he is in love with Yamanaka Ino. Sakura sputters on her tea, Naruto has a delayed reaction in which he blinks rapidly, pauses, and resumes, and Sasuke and Kakashi simply nod. Sakura is skeptical at first, but upon seeing the truly puzzled look on Sai’s face, her uncertainty fades. There is no fake smile on the man’s face, and she makes it her mission to help him get Ino. It turns out though, that not much prodding is actually needed, as before Sakura even mentions the word ‘Sai’ to Ino, the blonde is already doe-eyed.
Three months after that, there is no other couple in Konoha more ridiculously in love than Sai and Ino, with perhaps the exception of Sasuke and Karin. Sakura is slightly amused by the parallels in the relationships, but she takes it all in stride. Everyone she cares for is happy and loved, and because of that, she is happy. At this point, she doesn’t yet know that her world is ending. It however, takes little more than two weeks for her to realize the devastating fact as it becomes clear to her that she has become absolutely replaceable.
They are suddenly too busy for team outings, occupied as they are with dates, double dates and loving each other. Naruto no longer stops by at the hospital between her shifts to see how she’s doing, Sai no longer drops by her apartment to bring her a late night snack, and Sasuke no longer seems to have time to train with her.
It is then that she realizes bluntly that everything is different now. There is no going back to what everything used to be from where they currently are - only forward, deeper into a life that apparently does not include her. She bristles and breaks at the realization but blatantly refuses to admit it, especially not to herself. She uses the cure she has always used when faced with issues as such: work harder. And she does, she adds in more hours at work, lines up more missions, takes on more challenges. This time is different though, and she pays the price, for no one is left to stop her, chastise her and care for her when she overworks herself.
It is then that she meets Hyuuga Neji.
Of course, their paths have crossed numerous times before, but she has never really taken notice of him. She has always been too busy, or too preoccupied to really take notice of the Hyuuga that seems to always land himself in the hospital. So it is entirely insane when she asks him to spar with her one day, and to lunch after that. Even more insane is when he agrees quietly, and they set off to their sparring session and lunch date.
After that day, everything changes for her again. Suddenly she knows she’s not as alone as she feels, but hard as she tries, Neji never seems to be enough to fill the void left by her favourite men. She insists it’s because it’s hard for one man to take the place of four, but they both know better. It’s a wound that will never heal, and they both accept it as such. But too soon it becomes too complicated, and everything shifts again, subtly. Suddenly they are awkward, walking on eggshells.
Then, this mission put everything back in perspective.
Seeing Neji beat up, battered, burned and torn, she realizes that this is one thing she absolutely cannot afford to lose. To lose the one micropiece of her heart that has been salvaged would be a devastation never to be recovered from. So she steels herself, ignores her own broken rib and wrist as she hauls them away into the middle of the forest where she knows this cottage is. Two weeks together in this slightly heavenly isolation has her heart in the clouds, away from the reality in her heart that constantly threatens to break her. She forgets the awkwardness between them, forgets the rift that had driven them apart.
For two weeks, she is incandescently happy.
Which brings them to now, the present, the taboo, everything. She blinks out of her reverie to find Neji with a patient yet expectant look, and she opens her mouth to speak.
“Yes,” she whispers. “Yes, I have.”
The small smile that is Neji’s reply is enough to reassure her that indeed yes, she has accepted.
-
For no reason other than the need to indulge in a never before thought of hedonistic urge, the trek back to Konoha takes them twice as long. When they arrive back in Konoha, Sakura’s spirits are higher than they have been in a year, and Neji is more elated and carefree than he has ever been. The knowing look on the Godaime’s face when they report back with the mission details is enough to elicit a giggle from the girl, and a stifled smirk from the man.
The next night, Neji and Sakura decide to go to dinner at the newly opened tempura house on the east side of town. Sakura is surprised when she realizes she already knows that Neji has a secret adoration for tempura, when she orders enough to last them a lifetime. The dinner they have is filled with quiet laughter and carefree small talk about everything mirthful. The events of her unfortunate heart are almost forgotten when she freezes and nearly drops her chopsticks, the yam tempura caught beneath them tumbling onto the table.
Strolling through the elegant double doors of the restaurant, are the people that make her heart ache exceedingly like no other. They are all there, all six of them - minus Kakashi, for he is probably on a mission - laughing, smiling and living. What makes her heart break even more is the fact that they are not walking in pairs that indicate their love. Rather, Naruto is chumming along with Karin, Ino with Sasuke and Hinata conversing lightly with Sai. It makes Sakura’s heart ache and ache like no other to see that in addition to love, they have forged the same friendships that she once shared with them.
By the look on Sakura’s face, Neji can guess what she has seen, but to be sure, he activates his Byakugan briefly to verify. Sure enough, he sees through his kekkei genkai the people that have caused all of Sakura’s suffering, and unconsciously, he shifts in his seat slightly in an attempt to shield her from view. But they are a large group in a small restaurant, and they hear the inevitable gasp of surprise only a moment later.
“Sakura!” Ino catches sight of Sakura first, and bounds over, the rest in tow. “When did you get back? Heard you were on a long haul mission!”
“Yesterday,” Sakura replies, wondering briefly, nostalgically when they stopped referring to each other as Forehead and Pig.
“Sakura-chan!” Naruto pipes in, asking the same question Ino has just asked. Sakura gives him the same reply, a monotonous “yesterday,” but he seems not to hear, as he is already inviting her to the big party they are having for Karin’s birthday tomorrow. Sakura tries her best to keep up with the conversation, but with each new word, her energy drains as if she’s performing a Class S procedure. Within seconds the rest have joined in the conversation, and even Neji talks along.
For any onlooker, they look like the perfect group of friends; four couples, laughing, living, loving. Even the other six agree, feeling as happy as they’ve ever been. They fail to notice anything amiss in the pink haired woman, shrouded as they are in their bubble of ecstasy. Neji is not under the same delusions, for he sees the fatigue beginning to gather on Sakura’s pretty face, and the hurt beginning to surface. A barely concealed scowl makes its way onto his face when he announces that he and Sakura must leave.
“Already?” Naruto pouts. “Okay. But be sure to come to teme’s tomorrow for Karin’s birthday!”
Neji nods a “sure” for Sakura as he slams down a wad of bills, and all but hauls the distraught woman out of the booth. When they are finally out of sight, Sakura lets go of the last of her façade. He takes her to the only place he can think of that has no connection to anything that might bring her pain - a small apartment of his that he keeps for emergency purposes. The walk to the complex is a long one, for it is on the other side of Konoha completely, away from any shinobi business. With every new step they take, he feels her fatigue increase until he is nearly acting as her crutch.
She is so emotionally drained that when they are still twenty minutes away at their civilian pace, he sweeps her off her feet and onto his back. They exchange no words on this walk back - she doesn’t ask where they are going, and he does not comment on the increasingly wet patch on his shoulder. The walk comforts her slightly, and she is dozing on his back by the time they arrive. The apartment is very sparsely furnished, for there is no room for anything extravagant - only a bed and coffee table are able to fit, without furniture overflowing into the even smaller kitchenette.
Delicately, he places the slumbering girl on the double bed. When he sees her tear stained cheeks, his heart breaks.
-
She’s sitting on the carving of the Third, legs dangling, eyes gazing wistfully at the crescent moon. Neji is sitting there also, holding her, fingers weaving through her hair. They do this every night now, sitting silently, gazing, thinking. But he knows tonight is different, he feels it in the air around them. Tonight is her turn to break the taboo.
Suddenly, she turns the intensity of her gaze on him, so quickly that he’s taken aback by the turmoil in them, though he doesn’t know why - he is used to it.
“Take me away,” she breathes quietly. “Take me anywhere but here.”
Neji blinks his beautiful eyes shut then, soaking in the depth of her words. He has seen this coming, has been waiting for it, almost. The only question was when and how - and now those too, are answered. The meeting in the tempura house had been too much for her, and in the days since, they have been waltzing across glass. Very fragile glass.
When he opens his eyes again, he is looking away, toward the moon, at anything but the fragile woman in his arms. He avoids her gaze not because of the weakness and shattered fragments he knows he will find there - rather, it is because even in her state of fragility, she is strong, stronger than she knows. He is afraid that once he sees as well, he will not be able to comply to her wish. In the days leading up to this, he has been contemplating the answer he should give.
The devil in him wants to comply, to whisk her away to a world that contains only the two of them. The nagging conscious insists that he should do no such thing as horrible as stripping her of her only comfort, home. Despite the logic of the latter, he still secretly roots for the former. It is selfish, it is wrong, but still, he convinces himself that it is for the best.
It is true that she needs this. She needs to be away from everything that pains her, to relax and heal. Even more true than that however, is that he needs her, wants her to be away from all that takes her away from him.
Hyuuga Neji has never been selfish in his life, so he convinces himself that splurging just this once should be okay. He ignores the voice that whispers it is anything but, and holds her tighter in his arms.
“Okay,” he murmurs back. “Okay.”
Without another word, they disappear into the night, into the unknown, into a different future.
-
From her office, Tsunade watches this exchange. She watches as he tenses, relaxes and clutches her tighter. Even though she knows what she is seeing, knows what they are doing, she doesn’t do anything to prevent it. The only sign that the beautiful Godaime has seen anything at all is when she finally sighs, after they have disappeared from view.
To lose two of her most prized shinobi is a shame. But before being a shinobi, Sakura is her daughter. More than anyone, Tsunade knows the girl needs this. A wry smile makes its way onto Tsunade’s face as she makes her way out of the office. She has faith in them, the two of them together.
Someday, they will return.
Characters: Hyuuga Neji & Haruno Sakura
Prompt: 199. childhood's end & 06. head in the clouds & angst: 09. change
Word Count: 5184
Rating: K+
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
Warning: AU.
Notes: Title is taken from the 2011 film of the same name. Written for 500themes & 10_whores & mission_insane. Prompt tables can be found here & here & here.
-
A river that flows too wide will never have a crossing point, she muses to herself.
It is a wry sort of realization, but it’s natural now, for her to feel this way. She doesn’t even think twice when something of the sort crosses her mind, for time has changed her. Time itself, she thinks, is so unforgiving that she may have nothing but it to blame in the end. Here, she wonders momentarily what the end will be like. Despite the well trampled path that is her life, with the rainbow of different footprints and plethora of different people, she can’t help but believe that in the end, her road will be empty.
“Is it okay like this?” he had asked one day before, when the luminance from the moon and sun no longer had room for her under their guidance. Her smiles had faltered slightly at his words, but she had nodded, a weak yes to the assurance he had been seeking.
The small smile she wears plays nostalgically on her lips at the fond memory. It is one of the few fond memories she has allowed herself to keep. Everything else is too much, too painful and too real. Memories, she has learned, are but an imitation of a pseudo-reality she is no longer allowed to have. The feeling of being so close, so within reach of something she so desperately wants is too heartbreaking. It is no surprise then, that she has chosen to forget. Both of them know however, that forgetting is another dream well out of her reach - she will never truly forget. The best she can do is pretend, and it’s all she has left.
-
“Eh?” Naruto blinks, the lights blinding him momentarily. “Where’s Sakura-chan?”
“Perhaps she was tired and went home?” Karin offers kindly, a quizzical smile playing on her lips. There is no longer any hostility between the two women who have been closest to the last living Uchiha’s heart. The woman with dark frames adorning her pretty face laughs softly at something her man says to his best friend, and all talk about the blossom is forgotten.
“So,” the blonde sitting comfortably beside them announces suddenly, full of a million smiles. “We’re all on for my party tomorrow, right? You better all show up - you too, Sasuke!” Ino jabs him in the arm, and adds with a sly wink, “For Karin’s sake, you better show up.”
Her comment is met with laughter all around the table, and Naruto chimes in, “Yeah, yeah, Ino. You’ve told us, warned us, and threatened us. I don’t think any of us are brave enough to not show up.”
At this, a small huff escapes her lips, “Just making sure!” With her arms crossed delicately across her rather large bosom, she mutters quietly, “and we all know what a misogynist Sasuke is. I don’t want him to be the reason two people are missing from my party!”
Another round of bellowing laughter meets her muttered comment, and in front of them, Ayame smiles fondly at the picturesque sextet sharing the prime of their lives together, enjoying everything amidst their threatening lifestyle. But when a typical Naruto-style stupid comment floats not-so-delicately to her ears, the deep seated feeling of something missing tugs at the woman’s heart. And it’s only then that she realizes, blending in the beautiful puddle of colours before her, one is missing.
The one that should’ve stood out as the brightest of all, guiding them all under the warmth of her colour - somewhere along the line, her colours had faded into the dim of the background. And perhaps it was a revelation, but Ayame, watching the interactions of the beaming sextet just radiating their current state of bliss, couldn’t help the sorrow welling up inside her, tucked neatly at the very base of her heart.
With Karin’s mature, loving shades of a darker cherry, and the twin blonde lights of their group, the delicate colors of cerise and coral had slowly, but surely been washed out to leave room for something more, something new. Somewhere along the way, the beautiful, kind-hearted woman had been left behind in the turmoil, lost to the people and events passing by.
So when Ayame turns back to study the still-beaming shinobi, it is with some unexplained sorrow tugging at her lips. The inexplicable joy at seeing such happiness bliss reflected in others is still present, but the realization that there is no longer the same for Haruno Sakura is something that will sit with her forever.
Because whatever they have now, the pretty girl is no longer privy to. Somewhere along the way, she has been replaced, until there is simply no longer any room for her.
With a bittersweet smile, she prays for Sakura’s happiness.
-
“Just the two of us?” Neji asks unwillingly.
Before him, Tsunade raises an eyebrow at the question. It is more than uncharacteristic for him, and not for the first time in his life, the soon-to-be Hyuuga patriarch is grateful for the delicate porcelain mask shielding his features. At the pointed look on the Hokage’s face, even he is unable to school away the embarrassed almost-blush that is brushing across his cheeks.
With a small bow to the woman, Neji turns to leave the room.
“Oh, Neji?” her voice drifts over from her wooden-throne, and he nearly cringes at the saccharine tone. “You won’t mind going over to brief her, right?”
Pause. “Of course not, Hokage-sama.”
“Good,” she nods, and he knows he is dismissed. Neji offers another bow, and slips out before she can think up of another stupid task. Only when he is sure he is out of sight does he let out a breath. If there had been any doubt before, he is absolutely sure now that their revered Godaime has a nasty streak of sadism within her. She knows. She must know, for her to so deliberately assign such a mission as a duet. Of course the mission is accomplishable with only two. But it makes less than no sense to assign two when three, and perhaps even four will be a much better fit. Especially since it involves her. The relationship, if it can even be called such, that he shares with Haruno Sakura can be summed up with no more than one word: complicated. She is neither here nor there any longer - her heart, he suspects, has been whisked away long before his eyes had even taken her in.
A sigh, unnoticed even to Neji, escapes his parted lips as he steps through the doors and into the blearing summer sun. It would be a relief to get out of Konoha to a colder climate right now, he muses. Surely, they can both do with a little cool air and wind chill, to clear their minds at the very. Neji offers the bored-looking Izumo a small nod before heading in the hospital’s direction. There are only a few places that Haruno Sakura can be found these days: the hospital, Training Ground Six (-not three, he had asked once, and had been very sorry indeed at the sorrowed look that flirted with her features), and the memorial. The hospital, he muses, is probably his best guess at the moment.
As he nears the looming building, a small patch of marigolds growing comfortable under the guidance of a large tree catches his eyes. It is odd, he thinks, for such a small amount of flowers to be growing in such a secluded places, for nothing but the huge tree to surround its fragile petals with. He shrugs, thinking nothing more of the serendipitous beauty as he steps into the wonderfully air-conditioned building. The receptionist, completely flushed in the face despite her tall glass of iced coffee, seems to flush a deeper shade at his entrance.
“Is Sakura here?” he demands quietly, a deep, humble baritone despite its power.
“Y-yes!” she nods vigorously as she digs out an ill-used book. “She should be in room 459 right now.”
“Thank you,” Neji nods before swivelling around and setting off.
The giggled whispers of the young, infatuated girl blows by his ears as he stalks past, but it is nothing new to him. Life is fickle like that; in a few day’s time, a more handsome, stronger enigma will catch her eye, and the joy and whatever else she would have bestowed on him will disappear like nothing at all. When he reaches room 459, he offers one brisk knock, notes the patient’s name on the small sign, and strides in. True to the receptionist’s word, Sakura is diligently scribbling away on the chart of the sleeping patient. Though she does not look up, he knows she senses him.
He waits for her to acknowledge him, and when she does, he notes with a slight pang that she looks too tired. More tired than the last time they had seen each other, and definitely more tired than she should be.
“Hi, Neji,” she says, the fatigue barely hidden in her voice. “What’re you doing here?”
“Mission,” he replies, handing her a sealed scroll. “Special orders from the Hokage. We leave tomorrow at 6.”
“Oh?” she arches a brow.
He nods back. “You should take the rest of the day off. It’s going to be a long mission.”
She is about to protest when she sees the look on his face. The words die on her tongue as she nods back, shrugging an okay. They stand awkwardly for a moment before he says bye and leaves. Sakura watches his back until she can no longer see his figure down the hallway before she follows.
Inwardly, she is pleased at this development. In her momentary mirth, she doesn’t realize how long it has been since the last time she has been this close to being happy.
-
Three weeks later.
Sakura hums as she washes the last of the cloth, and hangs it with the rest to dry. Outside the window just above the sink, new flakes fall atop the snow already resting on the ledge. It is a pretty picture, and is one that lightens her mood every time she catches sight of it. Beyond the flakes is a scene she has already memorized, of hundred year old trees that she is unable to put names to. She has always thought herself to be a people-person, but here, living in seclusion, she finds that it suits her. A change of perspective - a welcome change of perspective.
“How’re you feeling?” Sakura asks lightly over her shoulder, without looking. She hears some shuffles behind her, and a ruffle of the duvet before Neji’s muffled voice wafts over.
“Better.”
This time she does turn, and she studies him from her place by the sink, with her steaming mug of ginger tea. He doesn’t look better at all, she notes sourly, but lets his lie slide. It was a redundant question on her part, anyways. After a moment, Neji pushes himself up into a sitting position after a slight struggle, and watches her with amusement in his light eyes. He seems to mull over something, before he murmurs with a small, playful smile, “I want to eat steak tonight.”
Sakura rolls her eyes. “You know I can’t cook steak in this kitchen.” As if to reinforce her point, she gestures generally around the kitchen. He chuckles in reply, knowing the truth of her words. The cottage they are currently camped out in is rather unfortunate looking from the outside and a size-perspective. In truth, it is less of a cottage than a little shed-cabin, as it has little more than a small kitchenette, table for two, washroom, and bed. Walls apparently, in addition to space, are two things the builders of this cabin had not known of, as there are none of either in the living area. But despite it, in the few days the two have already spent there, there is no word that could better describe it than cozy.
Sakura pads over lightly to the bed, leaving her tea in the kitchen. She counts to seven with amusement, the number of strides it takes for her to traverse the width of the cabin. Dropping softly onto the bed next to Neji, she sighs contentedly. “Let’s nap, okay?”
She doesn’t wait for an answer, for she knows he will agree.
-
In another week, Neji is but a few trifle injuries away from full functionality.
Sakura is pleased with her work as she watches him go through a series of taijutsu movements. Though he is bundled up to a ridiculous extent - oversized scarf, gloves, jacket and her favourite, a hat - he is still graceful in his movements. With the snow falling around him gently, Sakura feels as if she’s watching a moving picture. Sitting on the rustic bench outside their temporary home with a cup of hot cocoa, she laughs when he sneezes delicately, and laughs all the more when he sends a glare her way.
After thirty more minutes however, she feels she has indulged his restlessness enough, especially as she feels the temperature drops. She gets up to retire back into the cabin, and gestures for him to do the same. Neji has never been a good patient, yet never the worst - but here, in seclusion, he has been better than she has ever seen him. Therefore he only hesitates for a moment, squeezes in a few more jabs, before following suite.
The warmth hits him immediately, and it’s gratifying. But still he huffs a few warm breaths on his cold fingers, but Sakura is already there, a small towel and extra cup of cocoa on hand. Neji ignores her expectant look as he takes the towel and dries off before taking the cocoa. By some sort of unspoken consent, both make their way to the small round table, plop down, and look outside, and at each other.
Sakura is the first to break their silence. “You’ll be well enough to travel in a few more days,” she pauses, twirls her cocoa. “Maybe a week. The road back is long, hard and cold. I don’t want you getting sick on the way back.”
He stares at her, long and hard. They both know his immune system is well enough to fight off the cold. In fact, judging by his feel of his returning strength, he would say one more day here is enough. But instead, he nods, “A week’s fine.”
Sakura nods absently. “I’ve already told shishou.”
Neji turns his stare on her, and studies her, really studies her for the first time in weeks. To his pleasure, she looks well, better than he remembers seeing her for the past year. There is a slight flush of colour in her cheeks, and a small, unconscious smile plays on her lips. When she catches him staring, she flushes a deeper rouge, but her smile widens. “What’re you looking at, Hyuuga?”
“Your face.”
“Why, is there something on it? Leftovers of your horrendous attempt to cook, perhaps?” she teases.
“I think that was the best meal we’ve had since coming here.”
She looks defiant for a moment, before acquiescing with a little laugh, “I think I agree.” She turns her gaze out the window, still smiling. “I like it here. It’s really…peaceful.”
“I know,” he murmurs. “It’s different.”
Suddenly, he feels a ridiculous urge to set everything straight. He locks eyes with her, his pearly gaze piercing her turbulent emeralds. She must see in them his intent, his crazy urge to cross the one taboo they’ve silently agreed never to do, for her smile drops. She tenses as well, and seems to hasten to scramble for a topic to change to. Anything but this.
“I think I’ll make a mango salad for din-”
“Sakura,” Neji says quietly. When she doesn’t stop rambling, he repeats her name, stronger this time. She stops, but the happiness has evaporated from her eyes, face, person.
“Have you forgotten?”
It is cryptic, general, otherwise harmless questions, but she bristles. “No.”
He nods. It is the right answer. Anything else is a lie, and kami knows the only thing they do not need anymore is another lie. “And have you accepted?”
The “no” is set to roll off her tongue when she hesitates, still gazing deep into his eyes. Then she starts to think, really think, for the first time since everything began.
Two years ago, Sasuke returns to the village, victorious and happy. Everything he’s ever sacrificed for has been achieved, and for the first time in thirteen years, he’s weightless. Stress-free. Problem-free. Naruto is ecstatic, as is Sakura and Kakashi. In fact, every one of their friends is over the moon, because it signals a return to normalcy, whatever that may be. At first, Sakura is sure of that, too. Though she can no longer claim to love Sasuke in the same childish fashion, she still considers Team Seven family. And now that Sasuke has returned, she believes her family to be whole once more.
Sakura, Naruto, Kakashi, Sai, and Sasuke. It’s perfect in her mind.
Then, the reality that Sasuke is no longer just Sasuke sinks in. To be more precise, Sasuke is no longer her Team 7’s Sasuke. He is still Naruto’s Sasuke, he is still Kakashi’s Sasuke, but he is also Karin’s Sasuke. That, in Sakura’s mind, is the impossibility of coexistence. She tries to fight the impossibility though - really, she tries. She tries to make Team Seven a sextet, tries to make Karin a real part just as she made Sai a part. But it’s futile, because she realizes soon enough that Karin already fits into the puzzle perfectly.
Two months after that, Naruto and Hinata finally have the wedding they have been stalling for months to have. Naruto had insisted that Sasuke must be there, and so the wedding had waited. Now that Sasuke is here, the wedding proceeds with glee, and Naruto officially becomes Hinata’s man. Sakura is genuinely happy for the pair - she has never seen the blond so surrounded by love, and that knowledge is enough for her.
Seven months after Sasuke’s return, the impossible happens. On one sunny morning, Sai declares rather awkwardly that he is in love with Yamanaka Ino. Sakura sputters on her tea, Naruto has a delayed reaction in which he blinks rapidly, pauses, and resumes, and Sasuke and Kakashi simply nod. Sakura is skeptical at first, but upon seeing the truly puzzled look on Sai’s face, her uncertainty fades. There is no fake smile on the man’s face, and she makes it her mission to help him get Ino. It turns out though, that not much prodding is actually needed, as before Sakura even mentions the word ‘Sai’ to Ino, the blonde is already doe-eyed.
Three months after that, there is no other couple in Konoha more ridiculously in love than Sai and Ino, with perhaps the exception of Sasuke and Karin. Sakura is slightly amused by the parallels in the relationships, but she takes it all in stride. Everyone she cares for is happy and loved, and because of that, she is happy. At this point, she doesn’t yet know that her world is ending. It however, takes little more than two weeks for her to realize the devastating fact as it becomes clear to her that she has become absolutely replaceable.
They are suddenly too busy for team outings, occupied as they are with dates, double dates and loving each other. Naruto no longer stops by at the hospital between her shifts to see how she’s doing, Sai no longer drops by her apartment to bring her a late night snack, and Sasuke no longer seems to have time to train with her.
It is then that she realizes bluntly that everything is different now. There is no going back to what everything used to be from where they currently are - only forward, deeper into a life that apparently does not include her. She bristles and breaks at the realization but blatantly refuses to admit it, especially not to herself. She uses the cure she has always used when faced with issues as such: work harder. And she does, she adds in more hours at work, lines up more missions, takes on more challenges. This time is different though, and she pays the price, for no one is left to stop her, chastise her and care for her when she overworks herself.
It is then that she meets Hyuuga Neji.
Of course, their paths have crossed numerous times before, but she has never really taken notice of him. She has always been too busy, or too preoccupied to really take notice of the Hyuuga that seems to always land himself in the hospital. So it is entirely insane when she asks him to spar with her one day, and to lunch after that. Even more insane is when he agrees quietly, and they set off to their sparring session and lunch date.
After that day, everything changes for her again. Suddenly she knows she’s not as alone as she feels, but hard as she tries, Neji never seems to be enough to fill the void left by her favourite men. She insists it’s because it’s hard for one man to take the place of four, but they both know better. It’s a wound that will never heal, and they both accept it as such. But too soon it becomes too complicated, and everything shifts again, subtly. Suddenly they are awkward, walking on eggshells.
Then, this mission put everything back in perspective.
Seeing Neji beat up, battered, burned and torn, she realizes that this is one thing she absolutely cannot afford to lose. To lose the one micropiece of her heart that has been salvaged would be a devastation never to be recovered from. So she steels herself, ignores her own broken rib and wrist as she hauls them away into the middle of the forest where she knows this cottage is. Two weeks together in this slightly heavenly isolation has her heart in the clouds, away from the reality in her heart that constantly threatens to break her. She forgets the awkwardness between them, forgets the rift that had driven them apart.
For two weeks, she is incandescently happy.
Which brings them to now, the present, the taboo, everything. She blinks out of her reverie to find Neji with a patient yet expectant look, and she opens her mouth to speak.
“Yes,” she whispers. “Yes, I have.”
The small smile that is Neji’s reply is enough to reassure her that indeed yes, she has accepted.
-
For no reason other than the need to indulge in a never before thought of hedonistic urge, the trek back to Konoha takes them twice as long. When they arrive back in Konoha, Sakura’s spirits are higher than they have been in a year, and Neji is more elated and carefree than he has ever been. The knowing look on the Godaime’s face when they report back with the mission details is enough to elicit a giggle from the girl, and a stifled smirk from the man.
The next night, Neji and Sakura decide to go to dinner at the newly opened tempura house on the east side of town. Sakura is surprised when she realizes she already knows that Neji has a secret adoration for tempura, when she orders enough to last them a lifetime. The dinner they have is filled with quiet laughter and carefree small talk about everything mirthful. The events of her unfortunate heart are almost forgotten when she freezes and nearly drops her chopsticks, the yam tempura caught beneath them tumbling onto the table.
Strolling through the elegant double doors of the restaurant, are the people that make her heart ache exceedingly like no other. They are all there, all six of them - minus Kakashi, for he is probably on a mission - laughing, smiling and living. What makes her heart break even more is the fact that they are not walking in pairs that indicate their love. Rather, Naruto is chumming along with Karin, Ino with Sasuke and Hinata conversing lightly with Sai. It makes Sakura’s heart ache and ache like no other to see that in addition to love, they have forged the same friendships that she once shared with them.
By the look on Sakura’s face, Neji can guess what she has seen, but to be sure, he activates his Byakugan briefly to verify. Sure enough, he sees through his kekkei genkai the people that have caused all of Sakura’s suffering, and unconsciously, he shifts in his seat slightly in an attempt to shield her from view. But they are a large group in a small restaurant, and they hear the inevitable gasp of surprise only a moment later.
“Sakura!” Ino catches sight of Sakura first, and bounds over, the rest in tow. “When did you get back? Heard you were on a long haul mission!”
“Yesterday,” Sakura replies, wondering briefly, nostalgically when they stopped referring to each other as Forehead and Pig.
“Sakura-chan!” Naruto pipes in, asking the same question Ino has just asked. Sakura gives him the same reply, a monotonous “yesterday,” but he seems not to hear, as he is already inviting her to the big party they are having for Karin’s birthday tomorrow. Sakura tries her best to keep up with the conversation, but with each new word, her energy drains as if she’s performing a Class S procedure. Within seconds the rest have joined in the conversation, and even Neji talks along.
For any onlooker, they look like the perfect group of friends; four couples, laughing, living, loving. Even the other six agree, feeling as happy as they’ve ever been. They fail to notice anything amiss in the pink haired woman, shrouded as they are in their bubble of ecstasy. Neji is not under the same delusions, for he sees the fatigue beginning to gather on Sakura’s pretty face, and the hurt beginning to surface. A barely concealed scowl makes its way onto his face when he announces that he and Sakura must leave.
“Already?” Naruto pouts. “Okay. But be sure to come to teme’s tomorrow for Karin’s birthday!”
Neji nods a “sure” for Sakura as he slams down a wad of bills, and all but hauls the distraught woman out of the booth. When they are finally out of sight, Sakura lets go of the last of her façade. He takes her to the only place he can think of that has no connection to anything that might bring her pain - a small apartment of his that he keeps for emergency purposes. The walk to the complex is a long one, for it is on the other side of Konoha completely, away from any shinobi business. With every new step they take, he feels her fatigue increase until he is nearly acting as her crutch.
She is so emotionally drained that when they are still twenty minutes away at their civilian pace, he sweeps her off her feet and onto his back. They exchange no words on this walk back - she doesn’t ask where they are going, and he does not comment on the increasingly wet patch on his shoulder. The walk comforts her slightly, and she is dozing on his back by the time they arrive. The apartment is very sparsely furnished, for there is no room for anything extravagant - only a bed and coffee table are able to fit, without furniture overflowing into the even smaller kitchenette.
Delicately, he places the slumbering girl on the double bed. When he sees her tear stained cheeks, his heart breaks.
-
She’s sitting on the carving of the Third, legs dangling, eyes gazing wistfully at the crescent moon. Neji is sitting there also, holding her, fingers weaving through her hair. They do this every night now, sitting silently, gazing, thinking. But he knows tonight is different, he feels it in the air around them. Tonight is her turn to break the taboo.
Suddenly, she turns the intensity of her gaze on him, so quickly that he’s taken aback by the turmoil in them, though he doesn’t know why - he is used to it.
“Take me away,” she breathes quietly. “Take me anywhere but here.”
Neji blinks his beautiful eyes shut then, soaking in the depth of her words. He has seen this coming, has been waiting for it, almost. The only question was when and how - and now those too, are answered. The meeting in the tempura house had been too much for her, and in the days since, they have been waltzing across glass. Very fragile glass.
When he opens his eyes again, he is looking away, toward the moon, at anything but the fragile woman in his arms. He avoids her gaze not because of the weakness and shattered fragments he knows he will find there - rather, it is because even in her state of fragility, she is strong, stronger than she knows. He is afraid that once he sees as well, he will not be able to comply to her wish. In the days leading up to this, he has been contemplating the answer he should give.
The devil in him wants to comply, to whisk her away to a world that contains only the two of them. The nagging conscious insists that he should do no such thing as horrible as stripping her of her only comfort, home. Despite the logic of the latter, he still secretly roots for the former. It is selfish, it is wrong, but still, he convinces himself that it is for the best.
It is true that she needs this. She needs to be away from everything that pains her, to relax and heal. Even more true than that however, is that he needs her, wants her to be away from all that takes her away from him.
Hyuuga Neji has never been selfish in his life, so he convinces himself that splurging just this once should be okay. He ignores the voice that whispers it is anything but, and holds her tighter in his arms.
“Okay,” he murmurs back. “Okay.”
Without another word, they disappear into the night, into the unknown, into a different future.
-
From her office, Tsunade watches this exchange. She watches as he tenses, relaxes and clutches her tighter. Even though she knows what she is seeing, knows what they are doing, she doesn’t do anything to prevent it. The only sign that the beautiful Godaime has seen anything at all is when she finally sighs, after they have disappeared from view.
To lose two of her most prized shinobi is a shame. But before being a shinobi, Sakura is her daughter. More than anyone, Tsunade knows the girl needs this. A wry smile makes its way onto Tsunade’s face as she makes her way out of the office. She has faith in them, the two of them together.
Someday, they will return.