(no subject)

[sundancekid7]

for a second there, i thought that i was okay.

i'm not.

i don't know how to stop it.  it's just always there.  continually nagging at me.  just waiting to be released on the poor person who has to be there when it's finally out.  i like to pretend though.  i want everything to be ok.  so i pretend it is.  and when i'm home i wallow and wish that this feeling could just stop.

i keep thinking of the things that used to make me happy, and they just make me even sadder.  and i think back to the times that were good.  and even if i thought they were bad back then, they're still better than the way life is now.

i feel like i'm in a downward spiral.  and nothing's going to make it better.  i wish something could make it better.  my life is forever changed.  i just want it back.  just a few minutes.  just so i could say goodbye.  get some closure.  i don't know if that would make me feel better, but i just wish i could've been there.  to tell him that it's ok.  that he doesn't have to fight anymore.  that i'll love him no matter what.

but i wasn't there.

i feel so guilty.  and so alone.  maybe i do it to myself, but sometimes i just can't face people.  and sometimes it's really hard to see the good in things if everything seems so bad.

i just want someone to hold me and make it all better.  or just let me cry, without feeling guilty or saying i'm sorry for taking up their precious time with something that probably isn't very important in their life, but is incredibly important in mine.

i always want what i can't have.  always.  without fail.

ugh.