(no subject)
ughh. so i know everyone is doing the whole cheesy reminiscing
over 2004 livejournal entry, and i had really tried to control myself,
but unfortunately my time has come.
2004 was a terrible year. Most likely one of the worst that i will ever have. It probably should have been a good one. Other people seemed to have fun and love what they were doing. Some people fell in love, some people fell out of love, some people were happy, and others were sad, but when it all comes down to it, those people were experiencing life the way that it's meant to be. And i have to say, that I had my fair share of pleasant experiences, not to mention the extremely unpleasant ones as well.
I think that for the rest of my life I am going to look back on 2004 and wish that I could just have the whole year back. Oh how I would do it differently. Mostly with my dad though. I wish that I could have those moments back with him. Just being with him, watching him breath, watching him live.
I feel like I'm watching another person's life at times.
There's a big part of me too that, even though 2004 was bad, doesn't want it to end. Because I guess that means that i need to go on with my life. A new year is supposedly about new beginnings. But what happens if I'm still trying to get over the endings of things? What happens if these beginnings that we speak of won't really exist until 2006 or 2007?
2004 made me find out who my true friends are. And I had to realize how few there really are. I hate to say it, but I am incredibly lonely. And I don't think I would've been had the situation been different because the people who were my fake friends wouldn't have all disappeared because they were uncomfortable. Of course, I would still be somewhat lonely, but at least people wouldn't be afraid to talk to me. Or think that I'm too fragile and sad to have a good time with. Hey, guess what! I'm not. Going out and not being lonely makes me feel a little better sometimes. Having a nice laugh makes me feel like that hole is being filled a little bit.
And that last paragraph was not an outcry for people to start asking me to hangout. especially not the people who only call when they want something. like please don't call me only when you want someone to listen to you, or when you just want to have me make you laugh, or when you just want to hook up. honestly, i've never been all about that. I just want genuine people in my life. Like I guess I just want people to be the way I am to them. If I'm And to tell you the truth, I'm going to make 2005 stand out as a year when I'm not going to tolerate any shit from people. I shouldn't have to. I don't want fake friends, just as much as I don't want to be one.
I just want to be less alone. I guess.
i think it's really bad that i feel sorry for myself. Because I do. i feel sorry for the things I've done and the things I've said or haven't said. But most of all I feel bad because I can't turn back time.
I hated 2004. It brought nothing good to the table.
for those of you who want to know, death is not a beautiful thing. it doesn't bring a sense of peace because an individual is out of pain, however it does bring a certain longing and hope. and a true realization as to just how precious life is and that nothing can be taken for granted. so i'm not going to take anything for granted anymore. nor am i going to let my memories of my dad die in 2004. i miss him so much. and i think that's what is keeping me going. it all hurts so much. and hopefully the years to come will treat me, and everyone just a little bit better.
and as a "dear" friend said to me on new year's eve: Here's to 2005!
2004 was a terrible year. Most likely one of the worst that i will ever have. It probably should have been a good one. Other people seemed to have fun and love what they were doing. Some people fell in love, some people fell out of love, some people were happy, and others were sad, but when it all comes down to it, those people were experiencing life the way that it's meant to be. And i have to say, that I had my fair share of pleasant experiences, not to mention the extremely unpleasant ones as well.
I think that for the rest of my life I am going to look back on 2004 and wish that I could just have the whole year back. Oh how I would do it differently. Mostly with my dad though. I wish that I could have those moments back with him. Just being with him, watching him breath, watching him live.
I feel like I'm watching another person's life at times.
There's a big part of me too that, even though 2004 was bad, doesn't want it to end. Because I guess that means that i need to go on with my life. A new year is supposedly about new beginnings. But what happens if I'm still trying to get over the endings of things? What happens if these beginnings that we speak of won't really exist until 2006 or 2007?
2004 made me find out who my true friends are. And I had to realize how few there really are. I hate to say it, but I am incredibly lonely. And I don't think I would've been had the situation been different because the people who were my fake friends wouldn't have all disappeared because they were uncomfortable. Of course, I would still be somewhat lonely, but at least people wouldn't be afraid to talk to me. Or think that I'm too fragile and sad to have a good time with. Hey, guess what! I'm not. Going out and not being lonely makes me feel a little better sometimes. Having a nice laugh makes me feel like that hole is being filled a little bit.
And that last paragraph was not an outcry for people to start asking me to hangout. especially not the people who only call when they want something. like please don't call me only when you want someone to listen to you, or when you just want to have me make you laugh, or when you just want to hook up. honestly, i've never been all about that. I just want genuine people in my life. Like I guess I just want people to be the way I am to them. If I'm And to tell you the truth, I'm going to make 2005 stand out as a year when I'm not going to tolerate any shit from people. I shouldn't have to. I don't want fake friends, just as much as I don't want to be one.
I just want to be less alone. I guess.
i think it's really bad that i feel sorry for myself. Because I do. i feel sorry for the things I've done and the things I've said or haven't said. But most of all I feel bad because I can't turn back time.
I hated 2004. It brought nothing good to the table.
for those of you who want to know, death is not a beautiful thing. it doesn't bring a sense of peace because an individual is out of pain, however it does bring a certain longing and hope. and a true realization as to just how precious life is and that nothing can be taken for granted. so i'm not going to take anything for granted anymore. nor am i going to let my memories of my dad die in 2004. i miss him so much. and i think that's what is keeping me going. it all hurts so much. and hopefully the years to come will treat me, and everyone just a little bit better.
and as a "dear" friend said to me on new year's eve: Here's to 2005!