(no subject)
i had a terrible dream last night.
i dreamt that my father came back from the dead. only to let us say goodbye to him so that he could die again. i remember wailing in my dream. thinking that it was so completely unfair. and you know what it is. what's unfair is the fact that i feel perpetually depressed and there is nothing anyone can do or say to make it better. what's unfair is that my mom is going to be without her husband, the man who she was married to for 26 years, for the rest of her life. what's unfair is that my mind keeps playing tricks on me and i keep seeing him places.
yesterday at borders i would see people out of the corner of my eye and get kind of excited because i thought my daddy was coming to visit me at work. but then i had to realize that he wasn't. because he couldn't. and it just devestated me.
i would give anything in the world just to have him back. anything.
i wish someone could take away the pain. i wish i didn't care. i wish it would stop.
i just miss him so much. i miss his presence in the house. i miss his voice. i miss his laughter. i even miss him yelling at me. and that's weird. but i would take being yelled at for the rest of my life if i could just hear that voice.
i know i'm self centered and i think i'm the only person in the world who feels this kind of pain, but i don't know. i just can't get past it. i can't make myself stop thinking about it. i can't get over it. i don't know if i'll ever be able to. he's my dad. and he's not here to be my dad anymore. i want to be daddy's little girl again.
things would be so different if he were here. so different. i wouldn't be as lonely for the plethora of reasons that i am lonely. and i wouldn't have to write about my feelings in this crappy livejournal.
oh what i would give to just be able to hold his hand again....
i dreamt that my father came back from the dead. only to let us say goodbye to him so that he could die again. i remember wailing in my dream. thinking that it was so completely unfair. and you know what it is. what's unfair is the fact that i feel perpetually depressed and there is nothing anyone can do or say to make it better. what's unfair is that my mom is going to be without her husband, the man who she was married to for 26 years, for the rest of her life. what's unfair is that my mind keeps playing tricks on me and i keep seeing him places.
yesterday at borders i would see people out of the corner of my eye and get kind of excited because i thought my daddy was coming to visit me at work. but then i had to realize that he wasn't. because he couldn't. and it just devestated me.
i would give anything in the world just to have him back. anything.
i wish someone could take away the pain. i wish i didn't care. i wish it would stop.
i just miss him so much. i miss his presence in the house. i miss his voice. i miss his laughter. i even miss him yelling at me. and that's weird. but i would take being yelled at for the rest of my life if i could just hear that voice.
i know i'm self centered and i think i'm the only person in the world who feels this kind of pain, but i don't know. i just can't get past it. i can't make myself stop thinking about it. i can't get over it. i don't know if i'll ever be able to. he's my dad. and he's not here to be my dad anymore. i want to be daddy's little girl again.
things would be so different if he were here. so different. i wouldn't be as lonely for the plethora of reasons that i am lonely. and i wouldn't have to write about my feelings in this crappy livejournal.
oh what i would give to just be able to hold his hand again....