not in the mood
I grow everywhere like a weed, yet I so desperately want to be picked and admired. I want to be broken at the waist and put in your hair. I think I was mateo in a past life. or at least I hope so. anti-social, and sipping time, god I wish I knew this feeling better. Or at least could tame it better. I could be wiser, I could be prettier, I could be smarter, I could be a better dancer, I could be a better artist, and I just might, maybe could be a better person, but these things can be too hollow and under-realized. I side part my hair, I do the make-up that I absolutely never do, and I feel shot down. But my dear soul mate is coming to visit in a short while and everything seems ok in light of everything. I feel like crying at a movie, I feel like writing a sonnet that I've never been able to write before, but the feeling doesn't move me, the lump in my throat throbs and pulses because I can't resist the tempation to be in this vunerable shaky condition. making a small meal , thinking about how I must look to everyone, I'm so hollow, a scary painting, a disturbing image blasting right on through you, my eyebrows are too light, the veins under my eyes are too dark, and sometimes I even convince myself I have the eerie beauty of mona lisa, her crooked look and strange beauty I always thought maybe its me, only she's beauty through fame, through mystery, through decadence. and at the moment, I feel I'm just to strange to look at, with my beauty mark and all. I used to hate those who called it a mole, I wanted something on me to represent beauty, even in the slightest form. Its funny how that worked out, both pair of lips with a beauty mark, I thought it could be true glamour but was afraid of puberty and what it might cover, I thought if they couldn't sense another part of me that everything and more, what would they think of the rest of me? I perhaps bleed too much water, feel too much light, I feel the moon too heavily. Really really, I never get to say goodbye the way it was meant to be said. Its really important that I can say what really needs to be said. But my fear shakes right on through, and I can truly act out is a smile and a laugh, I seem to be moved by your jokes your energy, and I am, I'm just distant when I should be feeling every part. Melancholy devils, sad classical figure, I am a beast and the ectasy of knowing your walking and talking and laughing, gets me high. I kept rolling in the thought, a tumor a tumor a tumor, but my thought was never put at peace and I just go on pretending the notion of health is just in my thoughts, and how well I can convince myself. Lonely, yes, tired, absolutely, anxious, always. Have you said all you needed to say? Does your soul need salvation? I'm a haunted renaissance girl. I want to be frozen alive and brought the kiss from centuries later to bring me back to life, you can never really expect true romanticism, even though its nearing valentines day. Up to infinite dark sky I feel you around me, I study your body, I want to memorize the moments inbetween. Gallent sir, you pretend to know me so well. I think its just getting to used to my being around, that's fine, but please look me in the eye, and could you understand why I am the way I am? Its funny how fucked up I can be. they have to show me first, otherwise, how do I know its real? Others can function like oiled and true to form, I'm just so damn squeeky. Yeah there's so much wonder in the world, but where do I fit in with all of it? See how well I pretend? All for the sake of searching for something real that will reveal me completely, but fears tighten. I don't want to mummble on about life's pain and turmoil, I just want to be convinced its not my fault for the way life can be. I want to forever laugh at your jokes, I want to forever count your freckles, I want to forever feel that soft warmth and when the sarcasm ends, I will feel ok because I have those freckles, I have that warmth and I have the feeling. red dot sitting neatly on my knee from my chin, and I am forever full of wonder. TO give them detachment. now are you all I have to learn from? can't I find real people just by looking? I'm always hungry but never cold, I know the doctors were injecting me with dyes, so they could find me anywhere in the world just by turing off the lights. Why would anyone want to find me, heavens knows. the shadow might know, and I want to remain a mystery so there's just a little desire. He would crawl into mine. Emma said I would be lovers with a rock star and he would worship me I a goddess would forever be soothed by happy splendor. I found out, its more complicated than that. A simple tale of young romance, well its more strange and ackward, and I fall/trip all the time. Just because I've never been taught how grace isn't inherent. Well time follows somewhat slowly, I half listen to you, the words seem to grow like roses, but the scent is overwhelming. When will the sun admit to its crimes? I used to wrap bands around my wrists and it slowly cut off the circulation. But if I chose to feel better about my situation, things could be easier. These things take time though. And I swear I will find meaning within the madness. After all, I have a lot more to live. I'll smile now because it feels right, and I laugh when I feel nothing less than happiness. But really it doesn't seem like I can keep my mind still for an extended period of time.