Stirling Mortlock has the fourth manliest name in the world
This is from cracked.com, and it's freaking hilarious.
#4 Stirling Mortlock
The Name:
When you think about it, this is a ridiculous name. Its individual names would not have worked in a different setting. "Stirling Smith" probably got a wedgie every day at school, and "Cecil Mortlock" very likely had his head dumped in the toilet nearly as often.
However, its two halves manage to come out the other side of ridiculous into an amazing whole. When we hear this name, we see a medieval warrior, killing dragons and bedding wenches--and not just because we've taken a large amount of psychotropic substances.
The Man:
Mortlock is the current Captain of the Australian Wallabies & ACT Brumbies Rugby Union teams. Mortlock has the record for reaching 50 and 100 test points in the shortest ever time. We're not quite sure how the scoring works in rugby, but we suspect the Wallabies were just given a point every time he ran onto the field with that name on his shirt.
Not to mention, he's Australian, which means to reach adulthood he's already survived horrors most of us couldn't imagine in our worst nightmares.
Does He Live Up to It?
Rugby Union is a game where large men run at each other and then stomp on each other with spiked boots for 80 minutes. Mortlock is considered especially good at it.
The Only Way It Could Have Been Manlier:
It's hard to see how. The only way we can see is to lose the "Stirling." It's too clean-sounding, and reminds us of that polish you use to shine silverware. Real men are dirty and smelly and proud of it. You need a dirty name to match the "Mortlock."
Therefore, we suggest "Stonecrusher Mortlock." We know that's not a real name. We don't care.
#4 Stirling Mortlock
The Name:
When you think about it, this is a ridiculous name. Its individual names would not have worked in a different setting. "Stirling Smith" probably got a wedgie every day at school, and "Cecil Mortlock" very likely had his head dumped in the toilet nearly as often.
However, its two halves manage to come out the other side of ridiculous into an amazing whole. When we hear this name, we see a medieval warrior, killing dragons and bedding wenches--and not just because we've taken a large amount of psychotropic substances.
The Man:
Mortlock is the current Captain of the Australian Wallabies & ACT Brumbies Rugby Union teams. Mortlock has the record for reaching 50 and 100 test points in the shortest ever time. We're not quite sure how the scoring works in rugby, but we suspect the Wallabies were just given a point every time he ran onto the field with that name on his shirt.
Not to mention, he's Australian, which means to reach adulthood he's already survived horrors most of us couldn't imagine in our worst nightmares.
Does He Live Up to It?
Rugby Union is a game where large men run at each other and then stomp on each other with spiked boots for 80 minutes. Mortlock is considered especially good at it.
The Only Way It Could Have Been Manlier:
It's hard to see how. The only way we can see is to lose the "Stirling." It's too clean-sounding, and reminds us of that polish you use to shine silverware. Real men are dirty and smelly and proud of it. You need a dirty name to match the "Mortlock."
Therefore, we suggest "Stonecrusher Mortlock." We know that's not a real name. We don't care.