song for Luna

[suncolors]

☾ And we aren't all that we seem, but we are more than we know.
(Caspian)
☾ Is that who you are? To think we never needed to say hello.
(Caspian)
☾ Man-made never made our dreams collide.
(Edmund)
☾ Reconcile.
(Edmund)
☾ You don't need eyes to see.
(Kay)
☾ Where was my head when I needed it most?
(Caspian)
☾ Don't keep appointments with disappointment.
(Aslan)
☾

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Where was my head when I needed it most?

[treadingdawn]

Again he stares at her, from when she approaches to when she walks past, and he turns around to continue watching when he knows he can just as easily keep his back to her and walk away. It would be so easy to do that and just run away. For whatever reason old words come to him. Perhaps if they had come earlier he would not have shouted at Peter or told him to leave him alone. Those three words still sting with absolute regret, as much as the memory that cuts into his conscience now. Something about backbone. He bristles at the thought and steels himself, all while thinking it is equally just as sickening that he is the thing that inspires him to turn and join Luna now.

"I will sit with you," he nods and does not address her promise to not take up much of his time.

What has happened to me, Caspian wonders with a swallow of his dry throat.

Nevertheless, he takes a seat with her as he has promised, or rather, given his word, and Caspian likes to think he is still sort of a man of his word. Just a little. Enough to make him not feel completely deplorable because it is she who has invited him despite his own manner. He knows Luna is far more intuitive than to not notice his poor behavior.

"... How have you been," asks the brunette.

Where was my head when I needed it most?

[suncolors]

She expects no less of him. Despite the uncertainty that is clear in each of his steps, there are certain self same things that stay with a person in the face of what makes itself an imbalance of fear and confusion, anger and sadness. Some people think it takes years to know each other, but Luna has never been that kind of person, never will be.

"Harry has returned," she smiles again, a bit wider. "And Professor Lupin too, though he was only gone for a short while," her smile fades at that and she peers down at the hands neatly placed in her lap. What awaits him, she has been able to surmise is unpleasant and she feels it unfair that such a good man return to nothing. She doesn't know he will return only to leave nothing behind, and that among their numbers lost, he will be counted. For this, she is fortunate and odd that for Caspian's misfortune with knowing future events, she sits here now. Not to say that she would not otherwise ask him to sit, because she would have. She will. His company is the likes of which she enjoys and as out-there as she can be, Luna still has the same desire and need as any other person, to have friends, to share time and space, to confide if only in being confided to. These things, she too finds precious for all the oddness that so often estranges her from others in her world. This place does not seem to make it such a difference, the way she wears dreams in her eyes or the way they seem to layer all her words.

But she is not here to speak about herself. When is she, those who know her better might half ask and half laugh. Rarely, she would tell them.

"You are going to be fine, you know," she says and her voice is both quieter and warmer when she looks up again. "But I am sorry."

For many things. What she is about to do is not one of them, however. He may take it as her sympathy for the sadness so evident upon him, or for his anger, for everything perhaps, but it is doubtful that he will read into it beyond that, and she knows this, is used to it, and now, she vaguely relies on it. There are just some things, she thinks with a dull ache, we were never meant to know.

Where was my head when I needed it most?

[treadingdawn]

"I noticed. I do not think he remembers," Caspian shakes his head.

He hasn't actually spoken to Mr. Potter since his return, but now that Luna has mentioned him he thinks he ought to. What he remembers most is Harry's reaction to his friendship with Lily. An overreaction is more accurate to say. At first the memory makes Caspian smile, faintly so, because all in all it was a little funny to see the wizard near livid for his trading horse riding lessons for broom riding lessons with her. Now, after learning things he should not know, never know, it isn't so funny. She was to be his mother. The future is no laughing matter, not even the future of those from a different world. It is good to hear that Professor Lupin has returned though, Susan seemed quite fond of him. He was always kind, Caspian remembers, and then he recalls Lupin even offering advice to Merlin about Will. The Iguana one.

How long ago was that? Not very. How drastically things can change in so little time. Can he overcome this? He wants to try but he doesn't know. The Telmarine King who feels undeserving of the title right now only wishes things could be simpler again, simpler and even sillier.

When can we laugh again>

He asks this only in mind, hoping someone with a thick mane, golden eyes, and acute ears will hear him.

Her apology draws his attention back to her.

"Luna, you do not have to apologize," Caspian shakes his head, "you are a good person and you have never meant ill on anything that I have known." He speaks honestly to her, not wanting her to worry. He hopes she isn't as stubborn or as willful as Peter who can unravel him with one look. Maybe that is why he sits with her and not him; he underestimates Luna Lovegood.

Where was my head when I needed it most?

[suncolors]

"I am not apologizing for myself," she says, leaning forward slightly as if sharing a secret, even though there is no one else around to hear it, save the horses, and she trusts them too. Truthfully, she wants to know more of what makes Caspian this way, what moves him to such grief, because if there is one thing Luna appreciates, it is the ability to better understand those who have come to matter to her. Earlier words make her tilt her head at him, staring for a while. No, they have not spoken for some time, but that matters little to her. What matters is what they speak of, what they share, whenever it is that they do.

It is enough.

"I know you are hurt," she tells him, her gaze not wavering for a moment. "For that, I am sorry," and her eyes smile quietly this time even though her lips do not. "And things are rarely fair," a pause as she cups both of her hands in front of her. "For that, I am also sorry."

A soft white glow appears from seemingly nowhere, a globular thing that hovers within the curve of her pale hands, made paler by that light and she pushes it toward him, offering a small tranquility. It is nothing more than an orb of brightness that will fade with her exit, but for the moment it might make those brown eyes regain a trace of wonder instead of all those other heartbreaking things.

It will also distract for what follows.

Where was my head when I needed it most?

[treadingdawn]

For a second he hopes Edmund did not speak to her but he knows that's a foolish thing to think of the Just. Does she have to be so selfless in the face of someone who has been nothing but selfish? Caspian feels tired, tired of feeling sorry for himself and tired for these conflicts. He is better than this. At the same time he cannot think of one person who has had to confront such a terrible future and been able to put it aside for better things. Caspian is unaware of how closely his thoughts truly thread together. With Peter and Merlin's silence, he never will. So he wonders, who can truly turn his cheek to losing his friends, likely losing his son, likely losing his wife, and then dying. Eustace knew not what he said when he told him oh, and don't worry, everything with your son works out! But Caspian connects the dots together; he will die before whatever works out works out. Who can turn his cheek to this save for the great lion himself?

"It's all right, Luna," he says quietly under a carefully controlled sigh. "I know," that things are rarely fair, his shoulders feel heavier as if there is a hand on one side, a hand he has coldly rejected.

The light that seems to pool in her hands does distract the Telmarine. It is as she has anticipated, that a brief moment of magic is enough to bring that trace of wonder back to his eyes. He is unsure of what she carries here, wonders if it's just a parlor trick to make him smile, and even that he would appreciate.

"What is it," Caspian asks, his brown eyes on the glow and not on her.

Where was my head when I needed it most?

[suncolors]

"Just a light," she whispers, and something else that he probably can't quite hear, a word here, a word there, and neither of them the sort that the Telmarine would understand even if he did hear her completely. Her lips barely move as it is, and who knows when she took her wand in hand but she lowers it first, as if to touch so lightly the glow in darker hands. In the same motion its direction turns upward, and the point of it barely rests against the brunette's forehead, contact that he could easily not notice at all, if he did not look, but she knows he will.

Not that it matters.

Perhaps he feels disoriented when a mere moment passes. She would not blame him. Another whisper and her wand floats away from her hand to settle behind her as she uses both hands--the easier to continue this illusion of having done nothing. One goes to brush back some of his hair, and she notes the softness with a smile one could mistake for idle almost too easily. The other rests lightly on a shoulder.

"I think Narnia must be quite wonderful," she says as she leans back, hands leaving him as unobtrusively as they arrived, and while his shoulders already seem slightly down from being relaxed rather than burdened, the light in his hands is no longer there. It has served its purpose, and so has she.

Bowing her head briefly, she supposes it is for the best, even if it cannot last. Not everything is inevitable, but the future always has been, and always will be.

Where was my head when I needed it most?

[treadingdawn]

It is a beautiful light to Caspian, reminding him of the flower he still keeps in his room, reminding him of fireflies in a garden and a friend brushing them out of his hair. To Caspian X, all of them remind him of the stars, of nights spent gazing at them while his mentor tells him stories of Narnia. The old Narnia, that is. He has always listened to every word but it would be a lie to say that at the same time a young prince had dismissed the stars entirely. He has always found them intriguing, points of the brightest light in such a dark sky. He has always found them beautiful and will continue to do so after meeting one. Science says that they burn out in time, something the Telmarine is yet unaware of due to his own world's grasp on science, so for now he thinks they are everlasting. Maybe that is why he finds them so special.

An old friend once told him that stars can be places too. He believes this, just as he believes there are worlds in a person's eyes, amazing things that fill the deep space of someone's experiences, memories, and awareness. He swears he saw starlight in his friend's eyes the other day, still sees something clear and northern in them now. It is a place that's difficult to visit, but once he is there he feels good and safe. Caspian considers sharing this with Luna when he feels something touch his forehead. It is so light he thinks little of what it actually is. Neither do the words he'd planned to say fall from his mouth.

Did you say something, he asks in his mind, unaware that he hasn't actually voiced the question.

Why are you touching my hair, is it nicer than usual tonight, he wonders curiously.

"It is, although I will not presume that spring in this world isn't beautiful as well," Caspian smiles. Ah, they were talking about Narnia again. He always wishes Luna could see that place, knowing she would probably attract the unicorns out of hiding and make the gryphons exhibit a gentler manner.

Where was my head when I needed it most?

[suncolors]

Smiling at him still, she thinks he is very strong and then she hopes that it will be enough to see him through what lies ahead. Then, as if remembering something herself, she digs around in the small side bag that may have gone unnoticed before, drawing forth a tiny cluster of several periwinkles. They are the white sort with golden centers, and she wordlessly offers them to the Telmarine.

They are for memory.

Because one day, far from here, even at the end, you might remember this time and place and all that you knew too soon.

So thinking, her smile softens and her hands fold in front of her again. It is rare for the blond to feel disconcerted, to linger in sadness, and even now these things are colored by a gladness to hear and see this person before her speaking with such ease. A small grace, perhaps.

"I offered them to Destrier," she explains, which is not a lie. "But he seemed to think you would appreciate them a bit more," also not a lie, but certainly a statement with an understood disclaimer that the destrier doesn't actually talk, and so all communication is interpretation at best.

Where was my head when I needed it most?

[treadingdawn]

He looks down at the white and gold cluster then accepts them but not without a minor confession.

"You are always giving me flowers, Luna. Often I wonder if this is your way of bribing me for Destrier's time," he says in a joking manner. He does not mean it at all, although it is also Caspian's way of saying thank you, I wish I had something better to give you. He hardly feels obligated to reciprocate in kind but he wants to. Either way he does smile for her explanation while turning the cluster in his hands. "That does not surprise me. He is far more fond of carnations and gardenias," the Telmarine reveals which only gets a snort from the horse. The horse who is sleeping and subconsciously felt a need to interject. Strange timing, that. Caspian just arches a brow at the big black beast then turns his attention back to the young witch.

"Thank you anyway," he nods then tucks the cluster into his breast pocket.

Where was my head when I needed it most?

[suncolors]

"You never know," is her succinct but ironically knowing reply, her tone the same as it ever is, as well as her expression at this point. Though her feet are bare, her shoes will not be following her here tonight, and she thinks she might prefer to sleep here than return to the others. There is something she rather finds irreplaceable in being alone. It isn't that she needs time to think either, no.

She needs time to not think.

"You should go home soon, perhaps. I did promise not to keep you too long," your Highness, she thinks with a mild sweetness, a suggestion she gives not to get rid of him, but because she knows those who live with him truly will worry. They are family, after all.

Where was my head when I needed it most?

[treadingdawn]

Never know? He supposes that's true, Destrier is a fickle sort, sometimes.

"What about your shoes? I can wait with you until they arrive," Caspian offers but he is yet unsure of how those things work. Do they keep a schedule? Are they punctual? Do they keep track of her or is it she who keeps track of them? Either way, his offer still stands. Strangely, he recalls her promise but does not recall holding her to it for any reason.

Where was my head when I needed it most?

[suncolors]

"They won't be joining me today," she shakes her head, toes curling absently. "But thank you," she adds, and then she stands. Peering down at the brunette, she has no concept of how silly it might or might not look for someone so slight as she is to offer her hand as to help the young king to his feet, but that is a normal sort of unawareness that Luna carries with her at all times, and always will.

Eyes on him, and she knowing more than she ought to, it is a strange dynamic the City presents them with, but each will play his or her part through to the end, whenever that moment comes, here, or in their own worlds.

Where was my head when I needed it most?

[treadingdawn]

"Are you sure," he asks but he thinks she answers him when she offers her hand.

Caspian is aware of the difference in build, in height, and it strikes him as funny that they are about the same age but look so different. Perhaps it's a matter of worlds or experiences or maybe people are just born to look and age differently. It's probably the last one, genetics and some other complex sounding things Doctor Suresh has mentioned once or twice. He would not presume one's experience is any more difficult than someone else's just because a boy flees from his own home only to lead a revolution back to a throne rightfully his while a girl is a student at a school full of magic where only certain eyes may see these things called Thestrals. The Pevensies are evidence of looks that belie true experience. Anyway, he does take Luna Lovegood's hand and moves to his feet with ease.

"Thank you," he repeats her words complete with a bow and a kiss to her fingers before he releases her hand. Caspian doesn't know what compelled him to do that, it just seemed fitting at the time. He feels lighter, more willing to be whimsical. "I will see you again," the Telmarine promises.

Where was my head when I needed it most?

[suncolors]

"I am," she nods once, her smile remaining a little more easily than it has so far. "They--" she stops when his lips touch the bend of her fingers and for a very rare moment indeed, Luna finds herself surprised, and what is more, she shows it. People do not often show her affection, great or small, and while this could in some places, Caspian's world even, she imagines, be considered nothing special, just a polite gesture with the flair of the court, it doesn't strike her that way.

It confuses her a bit, but overall, she is equally surprised to find that it brings her a small portion of serenity. She has done the right thing and this person who is good and kind will continue to be the beautiful and admirable king that he must be. He will suffer and he will grieve, but there will, she hopes more fervently than she has hoped in a while, be moments of gentleness as well.

You cannot leave him so alone, she thinks with a deathly quiet, knowing what it is like to both stand in a crowded room and be without anyone, as well as what it is to watch that crowd depart, the only one remaining.

Her hand released, she continues to stare at it for a moment, as if her actions are seconds behind, catching up to everything else. Once she looks up again, she pauses only a moment before she bows ever so slightly, but it is very obvious somehow what she says with it, and acknowledges.

"I would like that," her voice tilts with a different softness than before, traces of the unexpected still making their departure. Turning to exit in the opposite direction, out of the stable and closer to a whispering forest, she pauses with her hand on wood siding.

I hope you stay here for a while yet, Caspian X of the House of Telmar...my friend.