Top Ten Male Characters
Once again emulating 12_12_12, I offer my Top 10 Male Characters with the same rules as in My Top 10 Female Characters entry.
I got a little more carried away on finding quotes. It was particularly a labor of love for Don Draper, Tony Soprano, and Jed Bartlet. Unlike 12_12_12, I don't have the artistic sensibilities to come up with my own picpsam so I just trolled Tumblr for spams. And MAY I JUST SAY the Wesley, Tony, and especially Jed Bartlet gifsets make so happy beyond words. Great meta/imaging work!
Unlike the girl/women list, I'm pretty sure that this is basically my Top 10. My "only one character per show" didn't really hurt anyone except for the guys from Rome. Today it was Titus Pullo- but I love Ceasar and Lucius Verenus about as much.
1. DON DRAPER- MAD MEN
Asshole minister: What if I told you that Jesus could offer you not only eternal life but freedom from pain in this life?
Don: I'm doing just fine. Nixon's the president. Everything's back where Jesus wants it.
Asshole Minster: He doesn't work that way.
Don: 'Cause he's mysterious? He offer the same deal to Kennedy? Martin Luther King? Vietnam, for Christ's sake? Studies show Jesus had a bad year.
Asshole minister: Well, I'm afraid there's not one true believer in that list.
Don: What the hell did you just say?
(Apparently Don punched Asshole Minister offscreen)
Don: Do you like Cassius Clay?
Peggy: He's very handsome.
Don: I don't think so.
Peggy: You're not supposed to. I remember my mother talking about Nat King Cole in a way that made my father throw out all his records.
Don: He's got a big mouth. "I'm the greatest." Not if you have to say it. Muhammad Ali.
Peggy: Do you like the airplane?
Don: Liston just goes about his business, works methodically. (drunkenly shadow boxes to ALLEGEDLY illustrate his point) Clay will dance and talk, throw a few until he's wiped out...A bag under an airplane looks like there's been an accident.
Don Draper: When a man walks into a room, he brings his whole life with him. He has a million reasons for being anywhere, just ask him. If you listen, he'll tell you how he got there. How he forgot where he was going, and that he woke up. If you listen, he'll tell you about the time he thought he was an angel or dreamt of being perfect. And then he'll smile with wisdom, content that he realized the world isn't perfect. We're flawed, because we want so much more. We're ruined, because we get these things, and wish for what we had.
Sheraton exec: I think, and I think people might think, that he died.
Don: Maybe he did and he went to heaven. Maybe that's what this feels like.
Sheraton exec: It's a little morbid.
Don: Well, heaven's a little morbid. How do you get to heaven? Something terrible has to happen!
Don: Can I run a few ideas past you?
Midge: Does that mean what I think it means? Because I'm familiar with most of your ideas...
Don: I'm having a situation with my cigarette account.
Midge: You really are here to talk.
Don: The Trade Commission is cracking down on all of our health claims.
Midge: I get Reader's Digest. This is the same scare you had five years ago. You dealt with it. I know I slept a lot better, knowing doctors smoke.
Don: Well, that's just it. The whole "safer cigarette" thing is over. No more doctors, no more testimonials, no more cough-free, soothes your T-zone, low-tar, low-nicotine, filter tip. Nothing. All I have is a crush-proof box and "four out of five dead people smoke your brand.
Gene: I'm missing $5!
Betty: I'll give you $5...Don, will you give him something?
Don: Here, Gene. Here you go.
Gene: No, I don't want your money. You people, you think money is the answer to every problem.
Don: No, just this particular problem.
Betty: Daddy, I'm sorry. I don't know what you want.
Gene: I want my $5!
Don: Well, I think I am finally ready to go.
Credit
Connie: I don't know what I'm more disturbed by: The fact that you don't have a Bible, or that there's not a single family photo.
Don Draper: I'm easily distracted.
Connie: You should have those things. They'll make you feel better about what you do. Start showing up on time.
Don Draper: Maybe I'm late because I was spending time with my family reading the Bible.
Sal: [Peggy's] obviously losing some kind of battle.
Ken: You may have to let it out a little.
Don: Maybe you should put her on your regimen of sprinting out the door every day at 5 to 5
Roger: You know, it's very interesting, but a lot of times you think people are looking at you, but they're not. Their mind's elsewhere.
Don: Lots of people that haven't taken LSD already know that, Roger.
Roger: He was a bold man, that first ate an oyster. (downs an oyster) I believe that was Jonathan Swift.
Don: What, are we naming them now?
Roger: Look at you. I had no idea you were such a fan of the mulusk.
Don: Never really gave them a chance before. But, I'm acquiring a taste. It's like eating a mermaid.
.....
Roger: Did you know they served cheesecake to the Olympic athletes in in ancient Greece?
Don: So, what's another lap around the steno pool for us? Two cheesecakes.
Roger: And don't let me see the bottom of this glass...What were we talking about? Oh yeah, the Russians shooting those dogs into outer space.
Don: I believe we branded them cat lovers and moved onto the subject of true love.
Don: I think it's better to think about someone in New Jersey driving in their current car and hearing that right around the corner there's a Jaguar to buy at a low, low price. I bet the numbers would support that don't they, Harry?
Harry: That is really a statistics game. You know what? I will have to double-check.
Don: Look, why are you limiting yourself? Wouldn't you rather cast a wide net so you can sell Jaguar to the average guy? You know, truck drivers, housewives.
Jaguar exec: I was under the impression from the work you showed us that this would be a more elegant approach that made the Jaguar seem rare because, let's face it, the gentleman who buys our car needs to be of some means.
Don: I am 100% positive that this approach moves cars. And not just Jaguars.
This is proven to move ALL KINA cars. Hell, even used cars. Am I wrong, Herb? Herb: No, he's right...It moves cars.
Jaguar exec: Gentlemen, we appreciate the recommendation, but we believe we should stay with the proposal as first discussed. And as persuasive as these arguments were, that is how we will continue to proceed.
Herb: Let's not be too hasty. Maybe we should listen to them. At least give it some thought.
Pete: Herb's right. We still believe this is our best chance for success.
Don: Fellas, this is gonna work.
Don: So, we have a quasi-Communist state where women have guns and it's filled with Jews. Well, not completely filled. Let's not forget there are Arabs.
Don (types on his home typewriter): Dear Allison, I wanted to you know that I'm very sorry. Right now, my life
Sits and thinks and what to say next.
Can't think of anything.
Gives up and collapses in a drunken heap on his sofa.
2. TONY SOPRANO- THE SOPRANOS
Mikey: Your nephew, what's he... retarded? He likes to play with trucks or something?
Tony: Retarded? What if Jerry Lewis heard you talkin' like that?
Mikey: No, that's muscular dystrophy, Tone.
Tony: It's too bad they don't have a telethon for fuckface-itis, huh? They find a cure yet?
Tony: Let me tell ya something. Nowadays, everybody's gotta go to shrinks, and counselors, and go on "Sally Jessy Raphael" and talk about their problems. What happened to Gary Cooper? The strong, silent type. That was an American. He wasn't in touch with his feelings. He just did what he had to do. See, what they didn't know was once they got Gary Cooper in touch with his feelings that they wouldn't be able to shut him up! And then it's dysfunction this, and dysfunction that, and dysfunction vaffancul!
Tony: It's in his blood, this miserable fuckin' existence. My rotten, fuckin' putrid genes have infected my kid's soul. That's my gift to my son.
Melfi: I know all this is difficult but I'm very glad we're having this discussion.
Tony: Really, really? 'Cause I gotta be honest, I think it fuckin' sucks.
Melfi: What does?
Tony: This. Therapy. I HATE this fuckin' shit! Seriously, we're both adults here, right? So after all is said and done, after all the complainin' and the cryin' and all the fuckin' bullshit... is this all there is?
Tony: This army of one thing. What happens when each army of one decides, "fuck it, I'm not going over the foxhole" or "why don't I blow the lieutenant's head off". Cause you know, they were told they were an army of one.
Tony: Phil has to know that punishment has been meted out and that's all there is.
And that what we are here for, in the end, is to put food on the table for our families, our sons, the future. That's what's important.
Johnny: He doesn't accept that. His family's smaller by one.
Tony: Well, then, my friend, it's up to you to make him accept it.
Johnny: Me?
Tony: Let's talk, John, about the 500-pound elephant in the room.
You started this cycle of bloodshed when you whacked the girl Carmine used to fuck.
Johnny: Lorraine Calluzzo was not a girl, and what kind of a man bangs his second cousin?
Tony: What are you, the frigging cardinal? You wanna shut down our joint construction jobs? Eat K-rations? Fine. You want Phil to put one in one of my guys? That's gonna go a long way to making you the rich prick that you want to be.
Johnny: What do you suggest?
TonyL Whatever his legitimate sorrow, he's got a price. He wants to provide for his family.
Tony: My wife thinks I need to meet new people.
Melfi: So?
Tony: C'mon, you're Italian, you understand. Guys like me we're brought up to think that Merigan are fuckin' bores. The truth is the average white man is no more boring than the millionth conversation over who should have won, Marciano or Ali.
Melfi: So am I to understand that you don't consider yourself white?
Tony: I don't mean white like Caucasian. I mean a white man like our friend Cusamano. Now he's Italian, but he's Merigan. It's what my old man would have called a Wonder Bread wop. He eats his Sunday gravy out of a jar.
Credit
Tony: [to Richie Aprile] Don't give me your fucking Manson lamps. Just fucking stop it. Understand?
Tony (seeing Bobby work hard at moving his fat body out of the car): I think it's time for you to seriously start considering salads.
Bobby: What do you mean?
Tony: I mean, get off my car before you flip it over, you fat fuck.
.....business talk and then Tony leaves
Bobby : Fat fuck. Look in the mirror sometime, you insensitive cock sucker.
Phil: [after Johnny Sack bursts into tears after being arrested by the FBI in front of everyone] I'll tell you this, my estimation about John Sacrimoni as a man, just fucking plummeted.
Tony: Give him a break, will ya? It's an emotional day.
Phil: To cry like a woman? It's a fucking disgrace!
Paulie: It's fucking coach turned into a pumpkin.
Phil: Even Cinderella didn't cry!
Tony: Look, when it comes to daughters, all bets are off. I've seen tougher guys than John cry at weddings.
Phil: OK, but let me ask you this: if they can make him cry, and if he's that weak, what the fuck else can they make him do?
Christopher: I gotta agree with Phil, Tone.
Tony'.: [angrily] Oh you do, do ya?
Adriana: I heard they fired their produce guy.
Christopher: Enough! I'm so sick and tired o' hearin' you people talk about food, food, food! That's all anybody ever talks about is proscuitto, cheese, and fuckin' fava beans. I'm, I'm drownin' here!
Tony: Jesus Christ. Take it easy.
Christopher: We're not even engaged yet.
Tony: Yeah well, when you're married, you'll understand the importance of fresh produce.!
3. JED BARTLET
C.J.: Sir, do you think you're becoming obsessed with this race?
BARTLET: He's polling at 46%. He's not a joke. He's polling inside the margin.
C.J.: In a race for the Board of Education, in a school district that has 43 kids.
BARTLET: It has 1100 kids, and you don't take these people seriously 'cause they don't get anywhere nationally, but they don't have to. All they have to do is, bit by little bit, get themselves on the Boards of Education and city councils. 'Cause that's where all the
governing that really matters to anybody really happens.
C.J.: We do a little governing here, Mr. President.
BARTLET: I'm on hold with a guy whose name I've got on an index card. How much governing do you think is going on around here today? And can you believe I'm on hold?
C.J.: You're not, sir. You finished the call.
BARTLET: I did?...How'd it go?
Bartlet: All I'm trying to do right now? I'm trying to avoid making eye contact with the CIA Director.
George Rollie: Mr. President...
Bartlet: Three hundred thousand troops? I can't move my motorcade from K Street to Connecticut without it showing up on a weather satellite!
George Rollie: We dropped the ball, sir.
Bartlet: Pick it up again - would you please?
Bartlet: [frustrated at not being able to get a Bible he likes for his swearing in] Okay, you know what? Washington didn't bring his own Bible, he just assumed one would be provided, which, frankly, isn't unreasonable. Guy wants you to swear an oath on a Bible, he ought to be packing a Bible. Washington didn't bring one; he just assumed one would be provided. Just common courtesy, I think. "Place your hand on this Bible. And, oh, can I borrow your Bible?" That's not right.
Abbey: Okay. So just ease up on the high ground.
Jed: On that point I concede the high ground.
Abbey: And I concede I was wrong about the thing.
Jed: Good.
Abbey: However...
Jed: No. No "however". Just be wrong. Just stand there in your wrongness and be wrong and get used to it.
Credit
Bartlet: We weren't prepared for someone to try and outfox us with a stratagem so sophisticated, it's an entire generation beyond "Hey, look! Your shoelaces are untied!"? Is that how I just lost nine guys to a damn street gang with a ham radio? They lured us there so that they could kill nine American soldiers!
Bartlet (talking to the Secretary General of UN advocating for diplomats' parking immunity on over-drive): There are BIG SIGNS. You CAN'T park there. They *should* get towed. I hope they get towed to Queens, and the Triboro is closed, and there's a big craft show at Shea, a flea market or a tractor show.
BARTLET: Listen, I know we're here for a serious purpose, for a sober purpose, but I wanted to say I've never been a part of a street gang before, and that's basically what we are -- a pretty well-financed one -- but anyway, I wanted to say it feels good, and I think when we're done with this meeting, I think we should go out and get girls, and I don't know, maybe knock over a fruit stand or something. LEO Okay.
BARTLET We're going to need to learn to sing and dance.
Bartlet: We don't need martyrs right now. We need heroes. A hero would die for his country, but he'd much rather live for it.
Bartlet: I'm in one meeting the whole day. All they did was feed me tea made with Tienchi Ginseng and deer horn glue. You see, it's the thing for the nerve damage. But that meant I had to piss every twelve minutes, which is more of an ordeal than it was when I could stand without assistance. The new kid, Curtis, and I are becoming very close.
LEO: There was a thought that since Kaliningrad is the only non-contiguous Russian state you could make like you were just informing Chigorin of a rescue mission that barely concerns him.
BARTLET And what do I do when Chigorin tells me that Hawaii's not really part of America, and he wants to change the alphabet to Cyrillic?
LEO: [to one of the guys in the room] Seymour! What does he do?
BARTLET: [sighs] What the hell.
LEO: Would you, please? I'm not going to have you tell Chigorin that Kaliningrad's
not part of Russia.
BARTLET: What area are we trolling in?
LEO: What area?
BARTLET: Yes.
LEO: We weren't spying on Russia, we were spying for Russia.
BARTLET: We were spying for him?
LEO: Yes, sir.
BARTLET: Okay, this phone call you're going to set up with Chigorin...it's like for
a White House bloopers reel or something?
BARTLET: True or false, Josh: My life would be better right now if you and your
girlfriend swapped jobs? Why is it for every good thing you do around here, we've got to endure three screw-ups?!
JOSH: Well, I'm sorry about the...
BARTLET: Sorry doesn't get me 218. It doesn't get back the ad that slipped through
your office any more then it gets back tobacco which you gave away for lunch money. And
why the hell don't you know what Ritchie's commitments are before you get anywhere near
my schedule?! I've got the Presidential Box at a cattle call. Win the damn vote.
WALTER WHITE- BREAKING BAD
Declan: Who the hell are you?
Walter White: You know. You all know exactly who I am. Say my name.
Declan: Do what? I don't... I don't have a damn clue who the hell you are.
Walter White: Yeah, you do. I'm the cook. I'm the man who killed Gus Fring.
Declan: Bullshit. Cartel got Fring.
Walter White: Are you sure?
[Declan looks at Mike and Mike shakes his head]
Walter White: That's right. Now, say my name.
Declan: [quietly] Heisenberg.
Walter White: You're goddamn right.
Walter White: Cheer up beautiful people... this is where you get to make it right.
Credit
Walter: [while shopping at the building supply center, Walt notices a cart full of meth supplies. The Tweeker who belongs to the cart puts boxes of wooden matches in the cart] You're buying the wrong matches. Those matches. They're the wrong kind. Red phosphorous is found in the striker strips, not the matches themselves. You need to get the big 200-count box of individual match books. More striker strips. You understand? Those only have the one. And don't buy everything in one place. Do it piecemeal. Different items, different stores. Attracts less attention. Hmm? You following me here?
5. WESLEY WYNDAM-PRYCE- ANGEL
JASMINE: Where's Angel?
WESLEY: You're omniscient. You tell us.
Virginia: Well Angel's loss is the world's gain. You'll get another job just like that! What else can you do?
Wesley:....Not much.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: [Overly dramatic] All right. I'm going to let you all in on something you may have trouble comprehending. I assure you that however...
Gunn: [interrupting] Vampires are real.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: [Whining] I was telling!
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Things happen. Two young people. Danger.
Virginia Bryce: What are you talking about?
Magnus Bryce: She was a virgin before you got here.
Virginia Bryce: I was not a virgin!
Magnus Bryce: What?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Oh, thank goodness.
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: [Dream sequence: Lorne, Angel, and barmaid Harmony are in a saloon. Fred, Wesley, and Gunn are at a bar table] I told you he was empty.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Yes, but this is ridiculous! We paid good money for this. We paid blood for this.
Credit
Cordelia Chase: [about Angel] And he is not distraught, he's obsessed. And, I thought you were going to be a man and talk to him about this.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I was a man. I said... things.
Cordelia Chase: Like what?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Like... did he prefer milk or sugar in his tea?...It's how men talk about things in England!
Illyria: And now nightmares are trapped inside the heads of humans... pitiful echoes of themselves. I wonder whom they angered so to merit such a fate.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: This world must be a terrible disappointment to you.
Illyria: Grievous.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I'm not too impressed with it myself.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: [to Rondell] If you don't mind I'd prefer a clean kill. The last time I was merely wounded. It took months to heal. Wounded, if I recall, in an attempt to help you.
6. GEORGE COSTANZA-SEINFELD
Fireman: How do you live with yourself?
George Costanza: It's not easy.
George Costanza: These are not scraps. These are the historic remains of a once great society of hair.
George Costanza: Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's all been wrong.
Waitress: Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.
George Costanza: Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted... and a cup of tea.
Elaine Benes: Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.
Jerry Seinfeld: You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, because salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it.
George Costanza: [Sarcastically] Good for the tuna.
George Costanza: Ah you have no idea of the magnitude of this thing. If she is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him, Ceases to Exist! You see, right now, I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with - Movie George, Coffee shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George.
Jerry Seinfeld: I, I love that George.
George Costanza: Me Too! And he's Dying Jerry! If Relationship George walks through this door, he will Kill Independent George! A George, divided against itself, Cannot Stand!
Credit
George Costanza: Didja see the way she was looking at me?
Jerry Seinfeld: She's a Nazi, George. A Nazi!
George Costanza: I know, I know. Kind of a cute Nazi though.
George Costanza: I don't like when a woman says "make love to me." It's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me I wound up apologizing to her.
Jerry Seinfeld: Really?
George Costanza: That's a lot of pressure - "make love to me." What, am I in the circus?
George Costanza: [Soup Nazi gives him a look] Medium turkey chili.
[instantly moves to the cashier]
Jerry Seinfeld: Medium crab bisque.
George Costanza: [looks in his bag and notices no bread in it] I didn't get any bread.
Jerry Seinfeld: Just forget it. Let it go.
George Costanza: Um, excuse me, I - I think you forgot my bread.
Soup Nazi: Bread, $2 extra.
George Costanza: $2? But everyone in front of me got free bread.
Soup Nazi: You want bread?
George Costanza: Yes, please.
Soup Nazi: $3!
George Costanza: What?
Soup Nazi: NO SOUP FOR YOU!
Jerry: There's been a big misunderstanding here! We did that whole thing for your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That's why my friend said all that. It was on purpose! We're not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that...
George: No, of course not...
Jerry: I mean that's fine if that's who you are...
George: Absolutely...
Jerry: I mean I have many gay friends...
George: My *father* is gay...
Sharon: Look, I know what I heard.
Jerry: It was a *joke*...
George: Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do want to have sex with me right now? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon!
7. XANDER HARRIS- BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER
Buffy: [straining with peanut butter jar] Just feel better when I get my strength back.
Xander Harris: Give ya a hand with that little lady?
Buffy: [passes Xander jar] You're loving this far too much.
Xander Harris: Admit it, sometimes you just need a big strong man.
[can't undo lid, screen fades to black]
Xander Harris: Uh, Wil, give me a hand with that?
Xander (singing): She clings. She's needy. She's also really greedy.
Anya (Interrupts): His eyes are beady!
Xander (singing): This is my verse, hello!
Xander: Man, this is killing me! That bastard was up to something, I
know it. If I could just get my hands on [Ted]...Earlier this week.
Cordelia: I thought you liked him.
Xander: (significant look at Cordelia) I sometimes like things that are not good for me.
Principal Snyder: I walked by your guidance counselor's office one time. A bunch of you were sitting there, waiting to be shepherded. I remember it smelled like dead flowers, like decay. Then it hit me. The hope of our nation's future is a bunch of mulch.
Xander Harris: You know, I never got the chance to tell you how glad I was you were eaten by a snake.
Credit
Cordelia: Why are these terrible things always happening to me?
Xander: [fake cough] Karma!
Xander: I knew this would happen. Nobody can be wound as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting. My Uncle Rory was the stodgiest taxidermist you've ever met - by day. By night it was booze, whores and fur flying. Were there whores?
Buffy: He was alone.
Xander: Give it time.
In a favorite theme for Xander:
Willow: (to Buffy) Have you heard from Angel? When he got so mad about you being in danger, and changed into a (makes a face) grr, it was the most amazing thing I ever saw. I mean, how many guys can...
Angel comes down the stairs and over to stand behind Xander.
Xander: Angel, Angel, Angel. Does every conversation we have have to come around to that freak? (notices Angel) Hey, man, how you doin'?
Angel (dramatically): Buffy
Buffy (dramatically). Angel.
Xander: (in a mocking dramatic voice) Xander! (shakes his head)
Xander: Hi! For those of you who have just tuned in, everyone here is a crazy person. So this spell might restore Angel's humanity? Well, here's an interesting angle...WHO CARES?
CREDIT
Xander: Angel's our friend... except I don't like him.
Xander: Yeah, great knife. Although, I think, um, it may, technically, be a-a sword.
Jack O'Toole: She's called Katie.
Xander: You gave it a girl's name. How very serial killer of you.
8. TOPHER BRINK- DOLLHOUSE
Topher Brink: I got it from here. You get your chance, you slip out. In the real world, you can write your ticket any place you land.
Ivy: I really do want to help you.
Topher Brink: Then live! You have a remarkable brain. I think it should stay in your head. Ivy, don't become me. Go. Go!
Adelle: You’re not coming back?
Topher: Small price to pay… I didn’t want to cause any more pain
Dr. Claire Saunders: So why didn't you stop there?
Topher Brink: Because I was designing a person not a roomba. I needed you to be whole. If you agreed with everything I'd said, we would've missed something, and somone would get hurt.
Dr. Claire Saunders: You don't care if - if people get hurt.
Topher Brink: You don't know me! That's the contract. You don't know me, and I don't know you, not fully, not ever! I made you question. I made you fight for your beliefs. I didn't make you hate me. You chose to.
Credit
Dr. Saunders: It's possible that one good sneeze could bring on a seizure.
Topher: Or even worse, a sneezure .
Topher (to Dominic); Of the two people here, one is a genius and one is a security guard in a very lovely suit!
Topher: I am obsolete. This must be what old people feel like...and Blockbuster.
Echo: I can help you.
Topher Brink: Why would you want to?
Echo: Why wouldn't I?
Topher Brink: Eh. Did I just lose an argument to a Doll? Okay, um, thanks, but you can't... help.
Topher (on Ballard): Why is there a tall, morally judgmental man in MY imprint room besides him (gesutures at Boyd)
?
9. Luke Danes- Gilmore Girls
Lorelai: I was just trying to remember the first time we met. It must have been at Luke's, right?
Luke: It was at Luke's, it was at lunch, it was a very busy day. The place was packed. And this person...
Lorelai: Oh, is it me? Is it me?
Luke: This person comes tearing into the place, in a caffeine frenzy...
Lorelai: Ooh, it's me!
Luke: I'm with a customer, she interrupts me, wild-eyed, begging for coffee. So I tell her to wait her turn. Then she starts following me around, talking a mile a minute, saying God knows what. Finally I turn to her, and tell her she's being annoying. Sit down, shut up, and I'll get to her when I get to her.
Lorelai: You know, I bet she took that very well, 'cause she sounds just delightful...
Luke: She asked me my birthday. I wouldn't tell her, she wouldn't stop talking, finally I gave in. I told her my birthday. She went and got the newspaper, opened it up to the horoscopes page, wrote something down, tore it out, handed it to me. So I was looking at this piece of paper in my hand, and under Scorpio, she had written You will meet an annoying woman. Give her coffee, and she'll go away. So I gave her coffee.
Lorelai: But she didn't go away!
Luke: She told me to hold onto that horoscope, put it in my wallet, and one day it would bring me luck.
Lorelai: Boy, I will say anything for a cup of coffee! I can't believe you kept this. You kept this in your wallet? You kept this in your wallet...
Luke: Eight years.
Lorelai: Eight years...
Luke Danes: I was having a dream. I was shopping for a car and I wanted to see the trunk space, and... 'cause I have a truck and it's convenient to haul things. So I wanted to see what the deal with the car was, and the salesman opened it. I asked him how many cubic feet it was and he looked it up in the manual and I was satisfied. So when he closed the hood, the bells rang.
Lorelai Gilmore: You have very mundane dreams.
On Thanksgiving
Luke: Shouldn't we give thanks first?
Jess: Thanks for what?
Luke: Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets.
Lorelai: Amen.
JESS: Someone egged my car.
LUKE: Geez, it stinks.
JESS: It’s gonna take me forever to clean this up.
LUKE: These eggs are cooked.
JESS: What?
LUKE: They’re not raw eggs. They look like. . . deviled eggs.
JESS: Someone devil-egged my car?
LUKE: Well, that is paprika.
JESS: Someone prepared deviled eggs to throw at my car?
LUKE: Man, they must hate you a lot.
CHRIS: Rory is my daughter. Mine.
LUKE: Oh, really? Well then, where the hell were you when she got the chicken pox and would only eat mashed potatoes for a week, or where were you when she graduated high school, or started college? Huh? Who the hell moved her mattress into her dorm, and out of her dorm and back into her dorm again?
LUKE: I can’t relax. I can’t sleep. I’m having nightmares about being chased around by boxes with arms and they tackle me and pile clothing on top of my face and secure it around my head with packing tape and I’m just lying there choking while you’re sitting in the corner laughing, putting gel in your hair with a switchblade!
Luke: If I give you my lawyer's name, will you leave?
Russell Bynes: I will leave.
Luke: Okay, ready?
Russell Bynes: Yes.
Luke: His name is Don Dewey. He works at the firm of Dewey ...
Russell Bynes: Dewey.
Luke: Cheatham ...
Russell Bynes: Cheatham.
Luke: ...and Howe.
Russell Bynes: Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe.
[pause; Russell scoffs]
Russell Bynes: That was very immature.
Luke: Went well. Tickled me.
Russell Bynes: My bosses are going to want to hear this.
Luke: Oh, come on. They've heard that one before. Oh, hey. If you want Don's number, it's 555-5555.
Lorelai Gilmore: [sitting on the sofa as Luke is searching for the chick Rory has as an assignment] I swear she went over there.
Luke Danes: We looked over there.
Lorelai Gilmore: Well, she went under that chair and didn't come out.
Luke Danes: We moved the chair, we searched the floor. Nothing.
Lorelai Gilmore: Well, then she went under the chair and then she went under a hole in the floor.
Luke Danes: There's no hole in the floor.
Lorelai Gilmore: Maybe there was a hole in floor and then she went through it and fixed it.
Luke Danes: So she's a super-intelligent chick with great physical and deductive skills.
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes.
Luke Danes: This is not a chick I wanna find.
LUKE: I thought we were on track, and now you're standing there looking at me like I'm crazy.
LORELAI: I'm not looking at you like you're crazy!
LUKE: You know the last time I bought flowers for someone? Never! That's when! Very easy stat to remember!
JESS: I go to a. . .a place that gives me money.
LUKE: For what?
JESS: For my services.
LUKE: What services? What place? [pause] Jess, are you a gigolo?
JESS: What?
LUKE: Well, I don’t know. You say you go to a place where they give you money.
JESS: I do.
LUKE: Where?
JESS: Wal-Mart.
LUKE: Excuse me?
JESS: I’ve been working there twelve hours a week for the past few months to get extra money for the car.
LUKE: Wal-Mart.
JESS: Yeah.
LUKE: You work at Wal-Mart?
JESS: Yeah.
LUKE: I cannot picture you working at Wal-Mart.
[Jess pulls a card out of his pocket and shows it to Luke]
LUKE: Oh my God, you work at Wal-Mart.
JESS: Let’s drop this now.
LUKE: Yeah, sure, fine. You’re not the guy that greets people at the door, are you?
JESS: We were dropping this.
LUKE: Come on.
JESS: I work in the back. I move stock around on a forklift.
LUKE: That takes a special license, doesn’t it?
JESS: I spent a Saturday afternoon taking the class and I got it like that, no biggie.
LUKE: Wow.
JESS: We done here?
LUKE: Yeah. You wear a vest and everything?
JESS: It’s the uniform, I have to.
LUKE: You’ve been sneaking out of here with a little vest hidden on you?
JESS: It’s not a little vest.
LUKE: Is it blue?
JESS: Will you stop talking about the vest?
LUKE: Do you get a store discount?
JESS: Fifteen percent. And if you want fifteen percent off anything, you’re not gonna get it ‘cause you’re being a jerk.
LUKE: My enjoyment is worth the loss.
JESS: I’m eating and ignoring you.
LUKE: Ah, you’re like the all-American boy.
JESS: Call me Dirk Squarejaw.
LUKE: Look at you.
JESS: What?
LUKE: Eating apple pie.
JESS: I’m outta here.
10. TITUS PULLO- ROME
Titus Pullo: What's your price, then?
Madam: One thousand.
Titus Pullo: I could have half the whores in Narbo for that, and their mothers!
Madam: We're not in Narbo, wherever that might be.
Titus Pullo: All right, my dove, we'll pay, but the girl better fuck him like Helen of Troy with her arse on fire, or I'll know the reason why!
Titus Pullo: Nice place, this. Clean.
[pause]
Titus Pullo: I don't suppose, seeing as I'm with the quality...
Madame: Not a chance!
Titus Pullo: Of course, your best method for pleasing a woman is the warm, beating heart of an enemy. I mean, women'll say they don't like it, but they do. Makes them wet as October.
Titus Pullo: When you couple with her, there's a spot just above her cunny, it's like a little button. Now... attend to that button, and she will open up, like a flower.
Lucius Vorenus: [aghast] How do you know this about her?
Titus Pullo: *All* women have them! Ask anyone!
CREDIT
Lucius Vorenus: It makes no sense. We should have been stopped by now. Why is Rome not defended?
Titus Pullo: Our boys scared 'em off, eh?
Lucius Vorenus: Soldiers of the Republic do not run, so it must be a stratagem, a trick.
Titus Pullo: It's a good trick.
Lucius Vorenus: Unless the gods have abandoned Rome... If Mars were watching, he would not allow such a disgrace.
Titus Pullo: Maybe he was havin' a crap and missed it.
[after Pullo has been ordered to have sex with Cleopatra]
Titus Pullo: [sighs] Gods, that was something...
Lucius Vorenus: Don't want to know! If you value your life, you won't speak of it again.
Titus Pullo: Why? I was only obeying orders. Bloody good orders, too.
Caesarion: So?
Titus Pullo: He bought it.
Caesarion: Brother Osiris, let me live to spit in his face and remind him of this day!
Titus Pullo: Didn't I tell you there'd be no more of that blather?
Caesarion: Blather? It's my sacred duty. By my blood, I will not rest until I have avenged my mother and redeemed my father's name.
Titus Pullo: Listen, about your father...
Honorable Mentions: Niles Crane (Frasier), Pete Campbell (Mad Men), Leo McGarry (West Wing), Lester Freamon (The Wire), Jimmy McNulty (The Wire), Tyrion Lannister (Game of Thrones), Michael Scott (The Office), Homeland (Saul Berenson)
There's got to some acknowledgment that single-series or UNBELIEVABLY young series characters have captured my attention lately. So, unfortunately, this'll be the end of Lester Nygard (Fargo), Rust Cohle (True Detective), Molly Solverson (Fargo), Peggy Blomquist (Fargo), fictional!Marcia Clark (American Crime Story), and fictional!Johnny Cochran (American Crime Story). And I'll need to see how Rachel Goldberg (UnREAL), Elliot Alderson (Mr. Robot), Maura Pfefferman (Transparent), and Ali Pfefferman (Transparent) progress- but those characters have really captured my attention in the last several years. And I haven't seen this season of House of Cards- so I don't know if Frank Underwood will win back my attention and narrative admiration from S1-2 that he lost in S3.
I got a little more carried away on finding quotes. It was particularly a labor of love for Don Draper, Tony Soprano, and Jed Bartlet. Unlike 12_12_12, I don't have the artistic sensibilities to come up with my own picpsam so I just trolled Tumblr for spams. And MAY I JUST SAY the Wesley, Tony, and especially Jed Bartlet gifsets make so happy beyond words. Great meta/imaging work!
Unlike the girl/women list, I'm pretty sure that this is basically my Top 10. My "only one character per show" didn't really hurt anyone except for the guys from Rome. Today it was Titus Pullo- but I love Ceasar and Lucius Verenus about as much.
1. DON DRAPER- MAD MEN
Asshole minister: What if I told you that Jesus could offer you not only eternal life but freedom from pain in this life?
Don: I'm doing just fine. Nixon's the president. Everything's back where Jesus wants it.
Asshole Minster: He doesn't work that way.
Don: 'Cause he's mysterious? He offer the same deal to Kennedy? Martin Luther King? Vietnam, for Christ's sake? Studies show Jesus had a bad year.
Asshole minister: Well, I'm afraid there's not one true believer in that list.
Don: What the hell did you just say?
(Apparently Don punched Asshole Minister offscreen)
Don: Do you like Cassius Clay?
Peggy: He's very handsome.
Don: I don't think so.
Peggy: You're not supposed to. I remember my mother talking about Nat King Cole in a way that made my father throw out all his records.
Don: He's got a big mouth. "I'm the greatest." Not if you have to say it. Muhammad Ali.
Peggy: Do you like the airplane?
Don: Liston just goes about his business, works methodically. (drunkenly shadow boxes to ALLEGEDLY illustrate his point) Clay will dance and talk, throw a few until he's wiped out...A bag under an airplane looks like there's been an accident.
Don Draper: When a man walks into a room, he brings his whole life with him. He has a million reasons for being anywhere, just ask him. If you listen, he'll tell you how he got there. How he forgot where he was going, and that he woke up. If you listen, he'll tell you about the time he thought he was an angel or dreamt of being perfect. And then he'll smile with wisdom, content that he realized the world isn't perfect. We're flawed, because we want so much more. We're ruined, because we get these things, and wish for what we had.
Sheraton exec: I think, and I think people might think, that he died.
Don: Maybe he did and he went to heaven. Maybe that's what this feels like.
Sheraton exec: It's a little morbid.
Don: Well, heaven's a little morbid. How do you get to heaven? Something terrible has to happen!
Don: Can I run a few ideas past you?
Midge: Does that mean what I think it means? Because I'm familiar with most of your ideas...
Don: I'm having a situation with my cigarette account.
Midge: You really are here to talk.
Don: The Trade Commission is cracking down on all of our health claims.
Midge: I get Reader's Digest. This is the same scare you had five years ago. You dealt with it. I know I slept a lot better, knowing doctors smoke.
Don: Well, that's just it. The whole "safer cigarette" thing is over. No more doctors, no more testimonials, no more cough-free, soothes your T-zone, low-tar, low-nicotine, filter tip. Nothing. All I have is a crush-proof box and "four out of five dead people smoke your brand.
Gene: I'm missing $5!
Betty: I'll give you $5...Don, will you give him something?
Don: Here, Gene. Here you go.
Gene: No, I don't want your money. You people, you think money is the answer to every problem.
Don: No, just this particular problem.
Betty: Daddy, I'm sorry. I don't know what you want.
Gene: I want my $5!
Don: Well, I think I am finally ready to go.
Credit
Connie: I don't know what I'm more disturbed by: The fact that you don't have a Bible, or that there's not a single family photo.
Don Draper: I'm easily distracted.
Connie: You should have those things. They'll make you feel better about what you do. Start showing up on time.
Don Draper: Maybe I'm late because I was spending time with my family reading the Bible.
Sal: [Peggy's] obviously losing some kind of battle.
Ken: You may have to let it out a little.
Don: Maybe you should put her on your regimen of sprinting out the door every day at 5 to 5
Roger: You know, it's very interesting, but a lot of times you think people are looking at you, but they're not. Their mind's elsewhere.
Don: Lots of people that haven't taken LSD already know that, Roger.
Roger: He was a bold man, that first ate an oyster. (downs an oyster) I believe that was Jonathan Swift.
Don: What, are we naming them now?
Roger: Look at you. I had no idea you were such a fan of the mulusk.
Don: Never really gave them a chance before. But, I'm acquiring a taste. It's like eating a mermaid.
.....
Roger: Did you know they served cheesecake to the Olympic athletes in in ancient Greece?
Don: So, what's another lap around the steno pool for us? Two cheesecakes.
Roger: And don't let me see the bottom of this glass...What were we talking about? Oh yeah, the Russians shooting those dogs into outer space.
Don: I believe we branded them cat lovers and moved onto the subject of true love.
Don: I think it's better to think about someone in New Jersey driving in their current car and hearing that right around the corner there's a Jaguar to buy at a low, low price. I bet the numbers would support that don't they, Harry?
Harry: That is really a statistics game. You know what? I will have to double-check.
Don: Look, why are you limiting yourself? Wouldn't you rather cast a wide net so you can sell Jaguar to the average guy? You know, truck drivers, housewives.
Jaguar exec: I was under the impression from the work you showed us that this would be a more elegant approach that made the Jaguar seem rare because, let's face it, the gentleman who buys our car needs to be of some means.
Don: I am 100% positive that this approach moves cars. And not just Jaguars.
This is proven to move ALL KINA cars. Hell, even used cars. Am I wrong, Herb? Herb: No, he's right...It moves cars.
Jaguar exec: Gentlemen, we appreciate the recommendation, but we believe we should stay with the proposal as first discussed. And as persuasive as these arguments were, that is how we will continue to proceed.
Herb: Let's not be too hasty. Maybe we should listen to them. At least give it some thought.
Pete: Herb's right. We still believe this is our best chance for success.
Don: Fellas, this is gonna work.
Don: So, we have a quasi-Communist state where women have guns and it's filled with Jews. Well, not completely filled. Let's not forget there are Arabs.
Don (types on his home typewriter): Dear Allison, I wanted to you know that I'm very sorry. Right now, my life
Sits and thinks and what to say next.
Can't think of anything.
Gives up and collapses in a drunken heap on his sofa.
2. TONY SOPRANO- THE SOPRANOS
Mikey: Your nephew, what's he... retarded? He likes to play with trucks or something?
Tony: Retarded? What if Jerry Lewis heard you talkin' like that?
Mikey: No, that's muscular dystrophy, Tone.
Tony: It's too bad they don't have a telethon for fuckface-itis, huh? They find a cure yet?
Tony: Let me tell ya something. Nowadays, everybody's gotta go to shrinks, and counselors, and go on "Sally Jessy Raphael" and talk about their problems. What happened to Gary Cooper? The strong, silent type. That was an American. He wasn't in touch with his feelings. He just did what he had to do. See, what they didn't know was once they got Gary Cooper in touch with his feelings that they wouldn't be able to shut him up! And then it's dysfunction this, and dysfunction that, and dysfunction vaffancul!
Tony: It's in his blood, this miserable fuckin' existence. My rotten, fuckin' putrid genes have infected my kid's soul. That's my gift to my son.
Melfi: I know all this is difficult but I'm very glad we're having this discussion.
Tony: Really, really? 'Cause I gotta be honest, I think it fuckin' sucks.
Melfi: What does?
Tony: This. Therapy. I HATE this fuckin' shit! Seriously, we're both adults here, right? So after all is said and done, after all the complainin' and the cryin' and all the fuckin' bullshit... is this all there is?
Tony: This army of one thing. What happens when each army of one decides, "fuck it, I'm not going over the foxhole" or "why don't I blow the lieutenant's head off". Cause you know, they were told they were an army of one.
Tony: Phil has to know that punishment has been meted out and that's all there is.
And that what we are here for, in the end, is to put food on the table for our families, our sons, the future. That's what's important.
Johnny: He doesn't accept that. His family's smaller by one.
Tony: Well, then, my friend, it's up to you to make him accept it.
Johnny: Me?
Tony: Let's talk, John, about the 500-pound elephant in the room.
You started this cycle of bloodshed when you whacked the girl Carmine used to fuck.
Johnny: Lorraine Calluzzo was not a girl, and what kind of a man bangs his second cousin?
Tony: What are you, the frigging cardinal? You wanna shut down our joint construction jobs? Eat K-rations? Fine. You want Phil to put one in one of my guys? That's gonna go a long way to making you the rich prick that you want to be.
Johnny: What do you suggest?
TonyL Whatever his legitimate sorrow, he's got a price. He wants to provide for his family.
Tony: My wife thinks I need to meet new people.
Melfi: So?
Tony: C'mon, you're Italian, you understand. Guys like me we're brought up to think that Merigan are fuckin' bores. The truth is the average white man is no more boring than the millionth conversation over who should have won, Marciano or Ali.
Melfi: So am I to understand that you don't consider yourself white?
Tony: I don't mean white like Caucasian. I mean a white man like our friend Cusamano. Now he's Italian, but he's Merigan. It's what my old man would have called a Wonder Bread wop. He eats his Sunday gravy out of a jar.
Credit
Tony: [to Richie Aprile] Don't give me your fucking Manson lamps. Just fucking stop it. Understand?
Tony (seeing Bobby work hard at moving his fat body out of the car): I think it's time for you to seriously start considering salads.
Bobby: What do you mean?
Tony: I mean, get off my car before you flip it over, you fat fuck.
.....business talk and then Tony leaves
Bobby : Fat fuck. Look in the mirror sometime, you insensitive cock sucker.
Phil: [after Johnny Sack bursts into tears after being arrested by the FBI in front of everyone] I'll tell you this, my estimation about John Sacrimoni as a man, just fucking plummeted.
Tony: Give him a break, will ya? It's an emotional day.
Phil: To cry like a woman? It's a fucking disgrace!
Paulie: It's fucking coach turned into a pumpkin.
Phil: Even Cinderella didn't cry!
Tony: Look, when it comes to daughters, all bets are off. I've seen tougher guys than John cry at weddings.
Phil: OK, but let me ask you this: if they can make him cry, and if he's that weak, what the fuck else can they make him do?
Christopher: I gotta agree with Phil, Tone.
Tony'.: [angrily] Oh you do, do ya?
Adriana: I heard they fired their produce guy.
Christopher: Enough! I'm so sick and tired o' hearin' you people talk about food, food, food! That's all anybody ever talks about is proscuitto, cheese, and fuckin' fava beans. I'm, I'm drownin' here!
Tony: Jesus Christ. Take it easy.
Christopher: We're not even engaged yet.
Tony: Yeah well, when you're married, you'll understand the importance of fresh produce.!
3. JED BARTLET
C.J.: Sir, do you think you're becoming obsessed with this race?
BARTLET: He's polling at 46%. He's not a joke. He's polling inside the margin.
C.J.: In a race for the Board of Education, in a school district that has 43 kids.
BARTLET: It has 1100 kids, and you don't take these people seriously 'cause they don't get anywhere nationally, but they don't have to. All they have to do is, bit by little bit, get themselves on the Boards of Education and city councils. 'Cause that's where all the
governing that really matters to anybody really happens.
C.J.: We do a little governing here, Mr. President.
BARTLET: I'm on hold with a guy whose name I've got on an index card. How much governing do you think is going on around here today? And can you believe I'm on hold?
C.J.: You're not, sir. You finished the call.
BARTLET: I did?...How'd it go?
Bartlet: All I'm trying to do right now? I'm trying to avoid making eye contact with the CIA Director.
George Rollie: Mr. President...
Bartlet: Three hundred thousand troops? I can't move my motorcade from K Street to Connecticut without it showing up on a weather satellite!
George Rollie: We dropped the ball, sir.
Bartlet: Pick it up again - would you please?
Bartlet: [frustrated at not being able to get a Bible he likes for his swearing in] Okay, you know what? Washington didn't bring his own Bible, he just assumed one would be provided, which, frankly, isn't unreasonable. Guy wants you to swear an oath on a Bible, he ought to be packing a Bible. Washington didn't bring one; he just assumed one would be provided. Just common courtesy, I think. "Place your hand on this Bible. And, oh, can I borrow your Bible?" That's not right.
Abbey: Okay. So just ease up on the high ground.
Jed: On that point I concede the high ground.
Abbey: And I concede I was wrong about the thing.
Jed: Good.
Abbey: However...
Jed: No. No "however". Just be wrong. Just stand there in your wrongness and be wrong and get used to it.
Credit
Bartlet: We weren't prepared for someone to try and outfox us with a stratagem so sophisticated, it's an entire generation beyond "Hey, look! Your shoelaces are untied!"? Is that how I just lost nine guys to a damn street gang with a ham radio? They lured us there so that they could kill nine American soldiers!
Bartlet (talking to the Secretary General of UN advocating for diplomats' parking immunity on over-drive): There are BIG SIGNS. You CAN'T park there. They *should* get towed. I hope they get towed to Queens, and the Triboro is closed, and there's a big craft show at Shea, a flea market or a tractor show.
BARTLET: Listen, I know we're here for a serious purpose, for a sober purpose, but I wanted to say I've never been a part of a street gang before, and that's basically what we are -- a pretty well-financed one -- but anyway, I wanted to say it feels good, and I think when we're done with this meeting, I think we should go out and get girls, and I don't know, maybe knock over a fruit stand or something. LEO Okay.
BARTLET We're going to need to learn to sing and dance.
Bartlet: We don't need martyrs right now. We need heroes. A hero would die for his country, but he'd much rather live for it.
Bartlet: I'm in one meeting the whole day. All they did was feed me tea made with Tienchi Ginseng and deer horn glue. You see, it's the thing for the nerve damage. But that meant I had to piss every twelve minutes, which is more of an ordeal than it was when I could stand without assistance. The new kid, Curtis, and I are becoming very close.
LEO: There was a thought that since Kaliningrad is the only non-contiguous Russian state you could make like you were just informing Chigorin of a rescue mission that barely concerns him.
BARTLET And what do I do when Chigorin tells me that Hawaii's not really part of America, and he wants to change the alphabet to Cyrillic?
LEO: [to one of the guys in the room] Seymour! What does he do?
BARTLET: [sighs] What the hell.
LEO: Would you, please? I'm not going to have you tell Chigorin that Kaliningrad's
not part of Russia.
BARTLET: What area are we trolling in?
LEO: What area?
BARTLET: Yes.
LEO: We weren't spying on Russia, we were spying for Russia.
BARTLET: We were spying for him?
LEO: Yes, sir.
BARTLET: Okay, this phone call you're going to set up with Chigorin...it's like for
a White House bloopers reel or something?
BARTLET: True or false, Josh: My life would be better right now if you and your
girlfriend swapped jobs? Why is it for every good thing you do around here, we've got to endure three screw-ups?!
JOSH: Well, I'm sorry about the...
BARTLET: Sorry doesn't get me 218. It doesn't get back the ad that slipped through
your office any more then it gets back tobacco which you gave away for lunch money. And
why the hell don't you know what Ritchie's commitments are before you get anywhere near
my schedule?! I've got the Presidential Box at a cattle call. Win the damn vote.
WALTER WHITE- BREAKING BAD
Declan: Who the hell are you?
Walter White: You know. You all know exactly who I am. Say my name.
Declan: Do what? I don't... I don't have a damn clue who the hell you are.
Walter White: Yeah, you do. I'm the cook. I'm the man who killed Gus Fring.
Declan: Bullshit. Cartel got Fring.
Walter White: Are you sure?
[Declan looks at Mike and Mike shakes his head]
Walter White: That's right. Now, say my name.
Declan: [quietly] Heisenberg.
Walter White: You're goddamn right.
Walter White: Cheer up beautiful people... this is where you get to make it right.
Credit
Walter: [while shopping at the building supply center, Walt notices a cart full of meth supplies. The Tweeker who belongs to the cart puts boxes of wooden matches in the cart] You're buying the wrong matches. Those matches. They're the wrong kind. Red phosphorous is found in the striker strips, not the matches themselves. You need to get the big 200-count box of individual match books. More striker strips. You understand? Those only have the one. And don't buy everything in one place. Do it piecemeal. Different items, different stores. Attracts less attention. Hmm? You following me here?
5. WESLEY WYNDAM-PRYCE- ANGEL
JASMINE: Where's Angel?
WESLEY: You're omniscient. You tell us.
Virginia: Well Angel's loss is the world's gain. You'll get another job just like that! What else can you do?
Wesley:....Not much.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: [Overly dramatic] All right. I'm going to let you all in on something you may have trouble comprehending. I assure you that however...
Gunn: [interrupting] Vampires are real.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: [Whining] I was telling!
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Things happen. Two young people. Danger.
Virginia Bryce: What are you talking about?
Magnus Bryce: She was a virgin before you got here.
Virginia Bryce: I was not a virgin!
Magnus Bryce: What?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Oh, thank goodness.
Winifred 'Fred' Burkle: [Dream sequence: Lorne, Angel, and barmaid Harmony are in a saloon. Fred, Wesley, and Gunn are at a bar table] I told you he was empty.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Yes, but this is ridiculous! We paid good money for this. We paid blood for this.
Credit
Cordelia Chase: [about Angel] And he is not distraught, he's obsessed. And, I thought you were going to be a man and talk to him about this.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I was a man. I said... things.
Cordelia Chase: Like what?
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: Like... did he prefer milk or sugar in his tea?...It's how men talk about things in England!
Illyria: And now nightmares are trapped inside the heads of humans... pitiful echoes of themselves. I wonder whom they angered so to merit such a fate.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: This world must be a terrible disappointment to you.
Illyria: Grievous.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: I'm not too impressed with it myself.
Wesley Wyndam-Pryce: [to Rondell] If you don't mind I'd prefer a clean kill. The last time I was merely wounded. It took months to heal. Wounded, if I recall, in an attempt to help you.
6. GEORGE COSTANZA-SEINFELD
Fireman: How do you live with yourself?
George Costanza: It's not easy.
George Costanza: These are not scraps. These are the historic remains of a once great society of hair.
George Costanza: Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's all been wrong.
Waitress: Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.
George Costanza: Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted... and a cup of tea.
Elaine Benes: Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.
Jerry Seinfeld: You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, because salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it.
George Costanza: [Sarcastically] Good for the tuna.
George Costanza: Ah you have no idea of the magnitude of this thing. If she is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him, Ceases to Exist! You see, right now, I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with - Movie George, Coffee shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George.
Jerry Seinfeld: I, I love that George.
George Costanza: Me Too! And he's Dying Jerry! If Relationship George walks through this door, he will Kill Independent George! A George, divided against itself, Cannot Stand!
Credit
George Costanza: Didja see the way she was looking at me?
Jerry Seinfeld: She's a Nazi, George. A Nazi!
George Costanza: I know, I know. Kind of a cute Nazi though.
George Costanza: I don't like when a woman says "make love to me." It's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me I wound up apologizing to her.
Jerry Seinfeld: Really?
George Costanza: That's a lot of pressure - "make love to me." What, am I in the circus?
George Costanza: [Soup Nazi gives him a look] Medium turkey chili.
[instantly moves to the cashier]
Jerry Seinfeld: Medium crab bisque.
George Costanza: [looks in his bag and notices no bread in it] I didn't get any bread.
Jerry Seinfeld: Just forget it. Let it go.
George Costanza: Um, excuse me, I - I think you forgot my bread.
Soup Nazi: Bread, $2 extra.
George Costanza: $2? But everyone in front of me got free bread.
Soup Nazi: You want bread?
George Costanza: Yes, please.
Soup Nazi: $3!
George Costanza: What?
Soup Nazi: NO SOUP FOR YOU!
Jerry: There's been a big misunderstanding here! We did that whole thing for your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That's why my friend said all that. It was on purpose! We're not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that...
George: No, of course not...
Jerry: I mean that's fine if that's who you are...
George: Absolutely...
Jerry: I mean I have many gay friends...
George: My *father* is gay...
Sharon: Look, I know what I heard.
Jerry: It was a *joke*...
George: Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do want to have sex with me right now? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon!
7. XANDER HARRIS- BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER
Buffy: [straining with peanut butter jar] Just feel better when I get my strength back.
Xander Harris: Give ya a hand with that little lady?
Buffy: [passes Xander jar] You're loving this far too much.
Xander Harris: Admit it, sometimes you just need a big strong man.
[can't undo lid, screen fades to black]
Xander Harris: Uh, Wil, give me a hand with that?
Xander (singing): She clings. She's needy. She's also really greedy.
Anya (Interrupts): His eyes are beady!
Xander (singing): This is my verse, hello!
Xander: Man, this is killing me! That bastard was up to something, I
know it. If I could just get my hands on [Ted]...Earlier this week.
Cordelia: I thought you liked him.
Xander: (significant look at Cordelia) I sometimes like things that are not good for me.
Principal Snyder: I walked by your guidance counselor's office one time. A bunch of you were sitting there, waiting to be shepherded. I remember it smelled like dead flowers, like decay. Then it hit me. The hope of our nation's future is a bunch of mulch.
Xander Harris: You know, I never got the chance to tell you how glad I was you were eaten by a snake.
Credit
Cordelia: Why are these terrible things always happening to me?
Xander: [fake cough] Karma!
Xander: I knew this would happen. Nobody can be wound as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting. My Uncle Rory was the stodgiest taxidermist you've ever met - by day. By night it was booze, whores and fur flying. Were there whores?
Buffy: He was alone.
Xander: Give it time.
In a favorite theme for Xander:
Willow: (to Buffy) Have you heard from Angel? When he got so mad about you being in danger, and changed into a (makes a face) grr, it was the most amazing thing I ever saw. I mean, how many guys can...
Angel comes down the stairs and over to stand behind Xander.
Xander: Angel, Angel, Angel. Does every conversation we have have to come around to that freak? (notices Angel) Hey, man, how you doin'?
Angel (dramatically): Buffy
Buffy (dramatically). Angel.
Xander: (in a mocking dramatic voice) Xander! (shakes his head)
Xander: Hi! For those of you who have just tuned in, everyone here is a crazy person. So this spell might restore Angel's humanity? Well, here's an interesting angle...WHO CARES?
CREDIT
Xander: Angel's our friend... except I don't like him.
Xander: Yeah, great knife. Although, I think, um, it may, technically, be a-a sword.
Jack O'Toole: She's called Katie.
Xander: You gave it a girl's name. How very serial killer of you.
8. TOPHER BRINK- DOLLHOUSE
Topher Brink: I got it from here. You get your chance, you slip out. In the real world, you can write your ticket any place you land.
Ivy: I really do want to help you.
Topher Brink: Then live! You have a remarkable brain. I think it should stay in your head. Ivy, don't become me. Go. Go!
Adelle: You’re not coming back?
Topher: Small price to pay… I didn’t want to cause any more pain
Dr. Claire Saunders: So why didn't you stop there?
Topher Brink: Because I was designing a person not a roomba. I needed you to be whole. If you agreed with everything I'd said, we would've missed something, and somone would get hurt.
Dr. Claire Saunders: You don't care if - if people get hurt.
Topher Brink: You don't know me! That's the contract. You don't know me, and I don't know you, not fully, not ever! I made you question. I made you fight for your beliefs. I didn't make you hate me. You chose to.
Credit
Dr. Saunders: It's possible that one good sneeze could bring on a seizure.
Topher: Or even worse, a sneezure .
Topher (to Dominic); Of the two people here, one is a genius and one is a security guard in a very lovely suit!
Topher: I am obsolete. This must be what old people feel like...and Blockbuster.
Echo: I can help you.
Topher Brink: Why would you want to?
Echo: Why wouldn't I?
Topher Brink: Eh. Did I just lose an argument to a Doll? Okay, um, thanks, but you can't... help.
Topher (on Ballard): Why is there a tall, morally judgmental man in MY imprint room besides him (gesutures at Boyd)
?
9. Luke Danes- Gilmore Girls
Lorelai: I was just trying to remember the first time we met. It must have been at Luke's, right?
Luke: It was at Luke's, it was at lunch, it was a very busy day. The place was packed. And this person...
Lorelai: Oh, is it me? Is it me?
Luke: This person comes tearing into the place, in a caffeine frenzy...
Lorelai: Ooh, it's me!
Luke: I'm with a customer, she interrupts me, wild-eyed, begging for coffee. So I tell her to wait her turn. Then she starts following me around, talking a mile a minute, saying God knows what. Finally I turn to her, and tell her she's being annoying. Sit down, shut up, and I'll get to her when I get to her.
Lorelai: You know, I bet she took that very well, 'cause she sounds just delightful...
Luke: She asked me my birthday. I wouldn't tell her, she wouldn't stop talking, finally I gave in. I told her my birthday. She went and got the newspaper, opened it up to the horoscopes page, wrote something down, tore it out, handed it to me. So I was looking at this piece of paper in my hand, and under Scorpio, she had written You will meet an annoying woman. Give her coffee, and she'll go away. So I gave her coffee.
Lorelai: But she didn't go away!
Luke: She told me to hold onto that horoscope, put it in my wallet, and one day it would bring me luck.
Lorelai: Boy, I will say anything for a cup of coffee! I can't believe you kept this. You kept this in your wallet? You kept this in your wallet...
Luke: Eight years.
Lorelai: Eight years...
Luke Danes: I was having a dream. I was shopping for a car and I wanted to see the trunk space, and... 'cause I have a truck and it's convenient to haul things. So I wanted to see what the deal with the car was, and the salesman opened it. I asked him how many cubic feet it was and he looked it up in the manual and I was satisfied. So when he closed the hood, the bells rang.
Lorelai Gilmore: You have very mundane dreams.
On Thanksgiving
Luke: Shouldn't we give thanks first?
Jess: Thanks for what?
Luke: Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets.
Lorelai: Amen.
JESS: Someone egged my car.
LUKE: Geez, it stinks.
JESS: It’s gonna take me forever to clean this up.
LUKE: These eggs are cooked.
JESS: What?
LUKE: They’re not raw eggs. They look like. . . deviled eggs.
JESS: Someone devil-egged my car?
LUKE: Well, that is paprika.
JESS: Someone prepared deviled eggs to throw at my car?
LUKE: Man, they must hate you a lot.
CHRIS: Rory is my daughter. Mine.
LUKE: Oh, really? Well then, where the hell were you when she got the chicken pox and would only eat mashed potatoes for a week, or where were you when she graduated high school, or started college? Huh? Who the hell moved her mattress into her dorm, and out of her dorm and back into her dorm again?
LUKE: I can’t relax. I can’t sleep. I’m having nightmares about being chased around by boxes with arms and they tackle me and pile clothing on top of my face and secure it around my head with packing tape and I’m just lying there choking while you’re sitting in the corner laughing, putting gel in your hair with a switchblade!
Luke: If I give you my lawyer's name, will you leave?
Russell Bynes: I will leave.
Luke: Okay, ready?
Russell Bynes: Yes.
Luke: His name is Don Dewey. He works at the firm of Dewey ...
Russell Bynes: Dewey.
Luke: Cheatham ...
Russell Bynes: Cheatham.
Luke: ...and Howe.
Russell Bynes: Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe.
[pause; Russell scoffs]
Russell Bynes: That was very immature.
Luke: Went well. Tickled me.
Russell Bynes: My bosses are going to want to hear this.
Luke: Oh, come on. They've heard that one before. Oh, hey. If you want Don's number, it's 555-5555.
Lorelai Gilmore: [sitting on the sofa as Luke is searching for the chick Rory has as an assignment] I swear she went over there.
Luke Danes: We looked over there.
Lorelai Gilmore: Well, she went under that chair and didn't come out.
Luke Danes: We moved the chair, we searched the floor. Nothing.
Lorelai Gilmore: Well, then she went under the chair and then she went under a hole in the floor.
Luke Danes: There's no hole in the floor.
Lorelai Gilmore: Maybe there was a hole in floor and then she went through it and fixed it.
Luke Danes: So she's a super-intelligent chick with great physical and deductive skills.
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes.
Luke Danes: This is not a chick I wanna find.
LUKE: I thought we were on track, and now you're standing there looking at me like I'm crazy.
LORELAI: I'm not looking at you like you're crazy!
LUKE: You know the last time I bought flowers for someone? Never! That's when! Very easy stat to remember!
JESS: I go to a. . .a place that gives me money.
LUKE: For what?
JESS: For my services.
LUKE: What services? What place? [pause] Jess, are you a gigolo?
JESS: What?
LUKE: Well, I don’t know. You say you go to a place where they give you money.
JESS: I do.
LUKE: Where?
JESS: Wal-Mart.
LUKE: Excuse me?
JESS: I’ve been working there twelve hours a week for the past few months to get extra money for the car.
LUKE: Wal-Mart.
JESS: Yeah.
LUKE: You work at Wal-Mart?
JESS: Yeah.
LUKE: I cannot picture you working at Wal-Mart.
[Jess pulls a card out of his pocket and shows it to Luke]
LUKE: Oh my God, you work at Wal-Mart.
JESS: Let’s drop this now.
LUKE: Yeah, sure, fine. You’re not the guy that greets people at the door, are you?
JESS: We were dropping this.
LUKE: Come on.
JESS: I work in the back. I move stock around on a forklift.
LUKE: That takes a special license, doesn’t it?
JESS: I spent a Saturday afternoon taking the class and I got it like that, no biggie.
LUKE: Wow.
JESS: We done here?
LUKE: Yeah. You wear a vest and everything?
JESS: It’s the uniform, I have to.
LUKE: You’ve been sneaking out of here with a little vest hidden on you?
JESS: It’s not a little vest.
LUKE: Is it blue?
JESS: Will you stop talking about the vest?
LUKE: Do you get a store discount?
JESS: Fifteen percent. And if you want fifteen percent off anything, you’re not gonna get it ‘cause you’re being a jerk.
LUKE: My enjoyment is worth the loss.
JESS: I’m eating and ignoring you.
LUKE: Ah, you’re like the all-American boy.
JESS: Call me Dirk Squarejaw.
LUKE: Look at you.
JESS: What?
LUKE: Eating apple pie.
JESS: I’m outta here.
10. TITUS PULLO- ROME
Titus Pullo: What's your price, then?
Madam: One thousand.
Titus Pullo: I could have half the whores in Narbo for that, and their mothers!
Madam: We're not in Narbo, wherever that might be.
Titus Pullo: All right, my dove, we'll pay, but the girl better fuck him like Helen of Troy with her arse on fire, or I'll know the reason why!
Titus Pullo: Nice place, this. Clean.
[pause]
Titus Pullo: I don't suppose, seeing as I'm with the quality...
Madame: Not a chance!
Titus Pullo: Of course, your best method for pleasing a woman is the warm, beating heart of an enemy. I mean, women'll say they don't like it, but they do. Makes them wet as October.
Titus Pullo: When you couple with her, there's a spot just above her cunny, it's like a little button. Now... attend to that button, and she will open up, like a flower.
Lucius Vorenus: [aghast] How do you know this about her?
Titus Pullo: *All* women have them! Ask anyone!
CREDIT
Lucius Vorenus: It makes no sense. We should have been stopped by now. Why is Rome not defended?
Titus Pullo: Our boys scared 'em off, eh?
Lucius Vorenus: Soldiers of the Republic do not run, so it must be a stratagem, a trick.
Titus Pullo: It's a good trick.
Lucius Vorenus: Unless the gods have abandoned Rome... If Mars were watching, he would not allow such a disgrace.
Titus Pullo: Maybe he was havin' a crap and missed it.
[after Pullo has been ordered to have sex with Cleopatra]
Titus Pullo: [sighs] Gods, that was something...
Lucius Vorenus: Don't want to know! If you value your life, you won't speak of it again.
Titus Pullo: Why? I was only obeying orders. Bloody good orders, too.
Caesarion: So?
Titus Pullo: He bought it.
Caesarion: Brother Osiris, let me live to spit in his face and remind him of this day!
Titus Pullo: Didn't I tell you there'd be no more of that blather?
Caesarion: Blather? It's my sacred duty. By my blood, I will not rest until I have avenged my mother and redeemed my father's name.
Titus Pullo: Listen, about your father...
Honorable Mentions: Niles Crane (Frasier), Pete Campbell (Mad Men), Leo McGarry (West Wing), Lester Freamon (The Wire), Jimmy McNulty (The Wire), Tyrion Lannister (Game of Thrones), Michael Scott (The Office), Homeland (Saul Berenson)
There's got to some acknowledgment that single-series or UNBELIEVABLY young series characters have captured my attention lately. So, unfortunately, this'll be the end of Lester Nygard (Fargo), Rust Cohle (True Detective), Molly Solverson (Fargo), Peggy Blomquist (Fargo), fictional!Marcia Clark (American Crime Story), and fictional!Johnny Cochran (American Crime Story). And I'll need to see how Rachel Goldberg (UnREAL), Elliot Alderson (Mr. Robot), Maura Pfefferman (Transparent), and Ali Pfefferman (Transparent) progress- but those characters have really captured my attention in the last several years. And I haven't seen this season of House of Cards- so I don't know if Frank Underwood will win back my attention and narrative admiration from S1-2 that he lost in S3.