killing time

Oct 11, 2005 16:40

its pretty sad that i am looking foward to going to class tonight b/c it will give me an opportunity to not be bored...dark times ahead for the next 2 weeks.. im broke so that means i wont be able to do anything .. which means ill be cooped up in my house for 2 weeks.. so ill start dwelling on things and get pissed about a bunch of shit .. and fucking lose myself... what am i talkin about... im lost already... a friend wrote me an email today after looking at my results from my personality test and told me that she thinks i need to find out what is missing from my life... b/c something definetly is .. i was reading it and almost teared up.. realized it was horribly true... what the fuck am i missing... i have no idea whats goin on with my head... maybe i do need to get on drugs or something... paxil ... prozac.. zoloft... i dunno.. i think ive been depressed since my childhood... why!!! god damnit.. im fuckin getting pissed at myself for it .. this same thing happend to my dad when he was married to my mom.. he got really depressed and tried to kill himself.. he has been fine ever sense but i think we have a lot of the same mental traits... i dunno.. i just dont want to fuckin be a zombie.. i dont want to go on the pills... moms was on paxil for a good 7 or 8 years and she was a fuckin zombie... no emotion at all.. fuck that .. i would rather kill myself...
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