Stress Management...
Sometimes you realize that you will never be able to say what it is your feeling. I bought a book today. Stress Management for Dummies. After answering a few questions on the first page... it appears that my stress level is at the highest: Much higher than Average. Where as my 12 yr old sis scored a 17... I scored a 55. Ouch! Not good when the doctor says that my triglycerides are higher than normal. Ohhh to be a kid again. Life passes by so fast. This year has sucked so far. In January, I lost my father's mom. In early April, we lost Mari's dad's mom. And of course, we lost Crystal April 13th. You know, life does need a (CtrlZ or CmdZ ) redo button.
Thinking about Crystal's life, I was there for just under half of it. That is amazing to me. She was so full of life. She wanted nothing more than to live, travel, love, and have the best in life. She was one tough cookie. Yeah she was weak and in a chair, but she was tough minded, tough willed, and tough on you if she needed to be. She could talk to anyone, about almost anything (sports was never a strong suit). I am not kidding when I say we lost the most popular girl we will ever know. She knew everyone it seems. And well, they are no doubt feeling the pain of her loss deep in their hearts as well. It sucks even harder here at the house. This is going to be a very long "process."
We are having to find a "new" way of living. Life had been so similar for so many years. I wouldn't say that we took Crystal for granted, but never did I think that she was going to leave us so soon. Even her being sick did not prepare us for what inevitability took place. You tell yourself, no way is she going to die. Then she is in the hospital, given no chance to make it through the night, hope cuz she made it through surgery, responsive to some degree... then bam!- you are having the worst thing possible happen to someone you love. It is the worst thing you can go through, watching someone die, other than dying yourself, I think so anyways.
I feel cheated that she didn't have more time. More time to watch the twins get older, or see Satin. It's been awhile since she had seen Silqy, but thankfully they talked often. I know she will miss her aunt Crystal for her whole life. I only hope she is doing well in school. I feel cheated because she didn't get the chance to go back to Italy with Mari and I. I feel cheated cuz she deserved more time. Mari is missing her BFF so badly. I feel cheated cuz of the aftermath we are having to deal with. I feel cheated that she didn't get to do more of the things she loved to do, eat (hello?!-carne gasada), watch (Ugly Betty), accomplish (cuz she did!), say (always on her phone-always on the phone), and so much more. I hope that her neices realize how much she loved them, and try their very best to have good, clean lives. She would give them such loving times. Mari and I will probably step in to some degree, but it will not be the same, we know.
Depression on top of depression X 1000= Grieving. or
-/- X 1000= >X'?K ' '''
I suppose to some degree I was lucky to have not had to deal with the loss of a loved one until I was in my late twenties. Of course I knew at an early age that I was born an identical twin, she died when we were three months old, and that I would never know her until death. I often think of how differently my life would have been had she lived. Would we have fought? Would we have been close? Would we really look alike, talk alike, sound alike, dress, eat, sleep, love, and think the same? Knowing few twins, the answers are not forthcoming. Would I still know and love whom I do today? Sometimes I wish I had never been born a twin, that way I wouldn't have had to feel her loss everyday since I was 4 years old. Losing my mom's dad was very difficult. Losing Crystal has been just as hard. Both losses have been devistating.
So, I need to work on my stress management. Writing should help me soak up some of the spillage from my overflowing cup o' emotions. How do you fix what is broken when the glue is gone? I know we will get through this (not over this), but how do you keep from being so depressed, or angry or any of the stages you are suppose to go through? I guess you don't. At least not without meds huh? I may look into therapy. I just hate having to go into an office, talk to a stranger, and ultimately get put on meds.
It is amazing how quickly life can change. I wish for the mundane. This year has been anything but that.
Thinking about Crystal's life, I was there for just under half of it. That is amazing to me. She was so full of life. She wanted nothing more than to live, travel, love, and have the best in life. She was one tough cookie. Yeah she was weak and in a chair, but she was tough minded, tough willed, and tough on you if she needed to be. She could talk to anyone, about almost anything (sports was never a strong suit). I am not kidding when I say we lost the most popular girl we will ever know. She knew everyone it seems. And well, they are no doubt feeling the pain of her loss deep in their hearts as well. It sucks even harder here at the house. This is going to be a very long "process."
We are having to find a "new" way of living. Life had been so similar for so many years. I wouldn't say that we took Crystal for granted, but never did I think that she was going to leave us so soon. Even her being sick did not prepare us for what inevitability took place. You tell yourself, no way is she going to die. Then she is in the hospital, given no chance to make it through the night, hope cuz she made it through surgery, responsive to some degree... then bam!- you are having the worst thing possible happen to someone you love. It is the worst thing you can go through, watching someone die, other than dying yourself, I think so anyways.
I feel cheated that she didn't have more time. More time to watch the twins get older, or see Satin. It's been awhile since she had seen Silqy, but thankfully they talked often. I know she will miss her aunt Crystal for her whole life. I only hope she is doing well in school. I feel cheated because she didn't get the chance to go back to Italy with Mari and I. I feel cheated cuz she deserved more time. Mari is missing her BFF so badly. I feel cheated cuz of the aftermath we are having to deal with. I feel cheated that she didn't get to do more of the things she loved to do, eat (hello?!-carne gasada), watch (Ugly Betty), accomplish (cuz she did!), say (always on her phone-always on the phone), and so much more. I hope that her neices realize how much she loved them, and try their very best to have good, clean lives. She would give them such loving times. Mari and I will probably step in to some degree, but it will not be the same, we know.
Depression on top of depression X 1000= Grieving. or
-/- X 1000= >X'?K ' '''
I suppose to some degree I was lucky to have not had to deal with the loss of a loved one until I was in my late twenties. Of course I knew at an early age that I was born an identical twin, she died when we were three months old, and that I would never know her until death. I often think of how differently my life would have been had she lived. Would we have fought? Would we have been close? Would we really look alike, talk alike, sound alike, dress, eat, sleep, love, and think the same? Knowing few twins, the answers are not forthcoming. Would I still know and love whom I do today? Sometimes I wish I had never been born a twin, that way I wouldn't have had to feel her loss everyday since I was 4 years old. Losing my mom's dad was very difficult. Losing Crystal has been just as hard. Both losses have been devistating.
So, I need to work on my stress management. Writing should help me soak up some of the spillage from my overflowing cup o' emotions. How do you fix what is broken when the glue is gone? I know we will get through this (not over this), but how do you keep from being so depressed, or angry or any of the stages you are suppose to go through? I guess you don't. At least not without meds huh? I may look into therapy. I just hate having to go into an office, talk to a stranger, and ultimately get put on meds.
It is amazing how quickly life can change. I wish for the mundane. This year has been anything but that.