One thing that I miss
I miss striving. I miss the high road, the one less travelled. I miss my blood, shed willingly and with a smile, because it symbolized a choosen difficulty. Everytime a shinai broke my knuckles I could be found inside myself, fighting the pain and completely relishing the sensation. Not the pain, I am no masochist. No, the sensation of moving past it, climbing, rising, moving above it. Everytime I felt jealous or hurt emotionally, I would begin to challenge myself, my feelings. I would kick my inner demons in the face as I made leaps and bounds past them.
When my still unidentified condition first hit me, my self-imposed difficulties fell by the wayside so I could concentrate on the ones that were not opted for. Some were perhaps nessicary to leave behind temporarily, some not. In hindsight, this was a bad idea, leaving any behind without a fight. I feel I have become something I should not have because I set things down, because I gave up. When that pain hit me I let it control me. Why didn't I fight it more? With giving in to it, to bullshit rhetoric from doctors who could not help me, to feelings of depression, isolation, jealousy, I gave up me. Really though, those closest to me are the ones who have felt the hardship of it most of all.
My friends have all either said or made clear that they believe I have changed. I have changed, and not for the better. It is not the fact that my illness swept me away. It likely would have done so anyway. However, I feel like it did so easily because I was not there to fight, that I should have made the gesture to rise above even knowing it would be fruitless. Oh, I fought when I felt I had to. When taking codene became to easy, I quit, among other things. Still, there is a differance. I had to fight those things. I did not choose to. My hand was forced and yes, I easily moved past them. Still, I feel that somehow those challenges mean less because I have allowed so many more to go by without a fight, little things like pettiness, anger, fear... especially fear. Fear for Michelle, fear for the right thing, hell, even fear for my cats.
Perhaps it is late, I am tired and making little sense. However, consider this an offical reminder to self that you are now backtracking that proverbial road, picking up your striving and moving onward again with it. You will never put it down again Janus, not for anything. Not for convience or anything else.
When my still unidentified condition first hit me, my self-imposed difficulties fell by the wayside so I could concentrate on the ones that were not opted for. Some were perhaps nessicary to leave behind temporarily, some not. In hindsight, this was a bad idea, leaving any behind without a fight. I feel I have become something I should not have because I set things down, because I gave up. When that pain hit me I let it control me. Why didn't I fight it more? With giving in to it, to bullshit rhetoric from doctors who could not help me, to feelings of depression, isolation, jealousy, I gave up me. Really though, those closest to me are the ones who have felt the hardship of it most of all.
My friends have all either said or made clear that they believe I have changed. I have changed, and not for the better. It is not the fact that my illness swept me away. It likely would have done so anyway. However, I feel like it did so easily because I was not there to fight, that I should have made the gesture to rise above even knowing it would be fruitless. Oh, I fought when I felt I had to. When taking codene became to easy, I quit, among other things. Still, there is a differance. I had to fight those things. I did not choose to. My hand was forced and yes, I easily moved past them. Still, I feel that somehow those challenges mean less because I have allowed so many more to go by without a fight, little things like pettiness, anger, fear... especially fear. Fear for Michelle, fear for the right thing, hell, even fear for my cats.
Perhaps it is late, I am tired and making little sense. However, consider this an offical reminder to self that you are now backtracking that proverbial road, picking up your striving and moving onward again with it. You will never put it down again Janus, not for anything. Not for convience or anything else.