(no subject)
i cna't believe it. i just went all by myself and got my face pierced. it's kinda sad if you think about it. i'm in a weird state of mind right now. i slept terribly last night, and i'm so pissed off about the christian situation. makes me sick to my stomach. it could actually be a good diet i suppose. all i have to do is picture him fucking some random girl who doesn't even have a face in my mind, and i manage to lose my appetite. what also makes me sick is that he is still the last person i've hugged. when he informed me all of this bullshit outside roxy's last night, i just stood against my car and thought my knees were gonna go weak. i didn't cry or anything, but being drunk already, i thought i was gonna puke. my stomach was so knotted and doing flip flops as i absorbed what i was being told. he said he was drunk and hooked up w/ some girl named crystal, who he use to hook up with on saturday night. all he kept saying was how mad he was at himself, and how sorry he is. i asked questions. i wanted to get to the bottom of what actually happened, and then i started with the questions to make him feel like shit. i mean why would he do that to me? does he think it's fair? should i have seen this girl as a threat? did it seem like a good idea at the time, and was it even that worth it? it's just not fair. i know for a fact he'd be livid, and probably go ballistic if it was the other way around. i asked him how i'm supposed to handle this. he didn't have an answer to that one. as far as i'm concerned, we're finished. i won't be played or made a fool of. he may not have exactly been my boyfriend, but we were together. it was understood, and i know he understands that b/c he wouldn't be this sorry if not. this is like aaron and grace all over again. riught from the start christian seemed like one of those guys you've gotta watch, and sure enough, he goes and makes me correct on my assumption.
and why did he decide to tell me? his answer to that was that his guilt was eating at him, and he didn't wanna hide it from me. i'm appreciative of that, b/c i'm glad i know. but why does he feel bad? because he actually likes me, or because he knows i like him? i thought he was gonna cry. i had no idea what to do. it was 3am, and just the 2 of us. i stood there, and i hugged him. all i wanted at that moment was my friends to be there, so i could hug somebody. i needed it so bad, but christian was the only person there with me. so i hugged him and told him exactly why i did it.
so after a night of tossing & turning, partially b/c i never sleep soundly after drinking, and partially b/c i was livid, i got up and didn't know what to do with myself, as usual. i've been wanting to get my face pierced, the monroe. it's been such a hassle trying to get people together, only to show up to ink link and find out they didn't have the ring that i need. christian asked me last night to wait another week, until he could get his tattoo so i could go with him and we'll get our stuff done together. i was gonna wait for him, but this morning i decided i was gonna do it today. it's what i needed to do. i've been wanting it, and today the pain almost felt good. and i liked the fact that i was going against christian. fuck him. i called rosie and she said we'd meet up later today, and then she calls me and says that her, jade and tiffani are on their way to the art museum in fort laud. that i could meet them if i wanted to. because driving down to fort lauderdale by myself to follow the people that just basically sold me out is EXACTLY what i wanted to do. fuck her.
i'm glad i've already learned how to be my own best friend after the shitty things people have done to me in the past. this is just another prime explanation of why i hate people, and i'm such a loner. i'm glad i was born with two hands, so i could be there for myself as the needle pierced through my face. i don't need anybody else as long as i've got my own hand to hold.
and why did he decide to tell me? his answer to that was that his guilt was eating at him, and he didn't wanna hide it from me. i'm appreciative of that, b/c i'm glad i know. but why does he feel bad? because he actually likes me, or because he knows i like him? i thought he was gonna cry. i had no idea what to do. it was 3am, and just the 2 of us. i stood there, and i hugged him. all i wanted at that moment was my friends to be there, so i could hug somebody. i needed it so bad, but christian was the only person there with me. so i hugged him and told him exactly why i did it.
so after a night of tossing & turning, partially b/c i never sleep soundly after drinking, and partially b/c i was livid, i got up and didn't know what to do with myself, as usual. i've been wanting to get my face pierced, the monroe. it's been such a hassle trying to get people together, only to show up to ink link and find out they didn't have the ring that i need. christian asked me last night to wait another week, until he could get his tattoo so i could go with him and we'll get our stuff done together. i was gonna wait for him, but this morning i decided i was gonna do it today. it's what i needed to do. i've been wanting it, and today the pain almost felt good. and i liked the fact that i was going against christian. fuck him. i called rosie and she said we'd meet up later today, and then she calls me and says that her, jade and tiffani are on their way to the art museum in fort laud. that i could meet them if i wanted to. because driving down to fort lauderdale by myself to follow the people that just basically sold me out is EXACTLY what i wanted to do. fuck her.
i'm glad i've already learned how to be my own best friend after the shitty things people have done to me in the past. this is just another prime explanation of why i hate people, and i'm such a loner. i'm glad i was born with two hands, so i could be there for myself as the needle pierced through my face. i don't need anybody else as long as i've got my own hand to hold.