sleepless Saturday night
I was trying to sleep and just couldn't. Too much stuff running around in my mind right now and sleep just seems very far away.
In life, one of my problems has been that i know what I need to do to be happy but I have always been afraid to do it. I guess I am always afraid of the outcome. My head knows that no matter the outcome that i will be happier in the long run. My head knows pain is temporary and although it feels like forever, that sooner or later the emotion gets less and less raw. My head knows this.
My heart is a total other story. It is fearful of anything that will rock the boat. My heart thrives on the comfortable and fears conflict of any kind. Sometimes I need to stop listening to the heart so much. It is weird but everyone close to me tells me i am so independant and seem like i can handle everything on my own. The other day at work two of my co-workers said I always look so serious. All I thought was "me? serious?"...me who cracks jokes at everything? I guess how I present myself to the outside world and how I feel are severly mis-matched.
So I know I have to have this conversation with the new guy I am seeing and my heart really does not want me to, It rocks the boat and it could end very badly. My head knows it is what I need to do to stop feeling this mix of disappointment and anger.
The begining of a relationship is supposed to be this magical time. It is when you are learning about a new person. It is went you are still a little nervous when you are around them and want to spend time with them. I haven't seen the new guy in almost three weeks. i know work is crazy for him and he works such long hours each day. I also know that the weekends are the only times he can really get together and last week I worked the full weekend. this weekend he needed to work to catch up on paperwork. I just get this sense that work is his priority and to be in a relationship, your priorities need to shift a bit. I can live with the weekend thing if he would call a few times. When I call, we do have great conversations but that is just it...it is when i call. I need to ask him what he is feeling and what he sees this relationship as. Well, I just need to ask him what he wants. I just need answers. and I need to feel i deserve those answers.
In life, one of my problems has been that i know what I need to do to be happy but I have always been afraid to do it. I guess I am always afraid of the outcome. My head knows that no matter the outcome that i will be happier in the long run. My head knows pain is temporary and although it feels like forever, that sooner or later the emotion gets less and less raw. My head knows this.
My heart is a total other story. It is fearful of anything that will rock the boat. My heart thrives on the comfortable and fears conflict of any kind. Sometimes I need to stop listening to the heart so much. It is weird but everyone close to me tells me i am so independant and seem like i can handle everything on my own. The other day at work two of my co-workers said I always look so serious. All I thought was "me? serious?"...me who cracks jokes at everything? I guess how I present myself to the outside world and how I feel are severly mis-matched.
So I know I have to have this conversation with the new guy I am seeing and my heart really does not want me to, It rocks the boat and it could end very badly. My head knows it is what I need to do to stop feeling this mix of disappointment and anger.
The begining of a relationship is supposed to be this magical time. It is when you are learning about a new person. It is went you are still a little nervous when you are around them and want to spend time with them. I haven't seen the new guy in almost three weeks. i know work is crazy for him and he works such long hours each day. I also know that the weekends are the only times he can really get together and last week I worked the full weekend. this weekend he needed to work to catch up on paperwork. I just get this sense that work is his priority and to be in a relationship, your priorities need to shift a bit. I can live with the weekend thing if he would call a few times. When I call, we do have great conversations but that is just it...it is when i call. I need to ask him what he is feeling and what he sees this relationship as. Well, I just need to ask him what he wants. I just need answers. and I need to feel i deserve those answers.