i know what you are
I just lost my entire journal entry. How many times has that happened to you?
I had a very difficult night last night. My friend wanted to end his life and was very close to stopping it all. We spent seven hours together talking and being serious and crying. After a lot of conversation and cigarettes, I felt he was going to be okay and he would be strong enough this time around. He has attempted to end his life before, his most recent time last week, which he didn't tell anybody but he confessed to me last night, and the time before that, three weeks from. He is bipolar schezophrenic, so his lows are very low. Beyond my comprehension, but I understand him. He is a very beautiful boy. His mind goes deeper than most, a level I would have a very difficult time trying to relax. He also deals with insomnia, and has bouts that can last a month and a half without a wink of sleep. I have insomnia but mine lasts for only three days and then I just pass out for a few hours and stay up for another three days. I am on day four and have only slept for no more than six or seven hours. I find my mind alone, whirling around until I leave my home at 230am to meet up with the same people at the same place every night until 5 or 7am; the only hours in my day where my thoughts aren't driving me mad. It is those people at that place which allows me something I can consistantly count on. I really don't know what I would do if I didn't have that.
I think it is very important to be there for somebody when they are in a mindset to end their own life. There is no lower point in our lives than wanting our life no more. Not helping somebody, not being there for somebody when they ask for it is the worst mistake we can make in our choices. They are asking for help for one reason. They are looking for reason from you to stay alive because they can't find it in themselves any longer. It is an extremely lonely place to be. I reached a point where I couldn't stand to try to get through one more day. I was so tired of trying. I hated knowing I had another day ahead of me tomorrow just like the one I just had today. When I had that in my head, I was ready to just end it. I knew I couldn't go one more day. I called somebody. I wanted to hear reason. I wanted to hear things would eventually get better. I couldn't find it in me, I had to hear it from somebody else. I was told they couldn't handle what I was going through. They had themselves to take care of. And then they hung up on me. The one person I thought I could turn to. When I heard the phone click, I lost it. From that moment on, I starting bingeing. My plan was to drink very much. Then I was going to get in my car and make sure I was not going to be coming back home again. I drank very much. I thank my lucky stars I passed out from overconsumption because I would have done a very irreversable act. However, I will never forgive this person for not being there for me when I reached this point. I will never forgive this person. Ever. I will always hold it against them, I will never forgive, I will never forget. Hearing them say "I love you" and "You're my best friend" only reminds me how much they don't and I'm not.
Time to go home.
I had a very difficult night last night. My friend wanted to end his life and was very close to stopping it all. We spent seven hours together talking and being serious and crying. After a lot of conversation and cigarettes, I felt he was going to be okay and he would be strong enough this time around. He has attempted to end his life before, his most recent time last week, which he didn't tell anybody but he confessed to me last night, and the time before that, three weeks from. He is bipolar schezophrenic, so his lows are very low. Beyond my comprehension, but I understand him. He is a very beautiful boy. His mind goes deeper than most, a level I would have a very difficult time trying to relax. He also deals with insomnia, and has bouts that can last a month and a half without a wink of sleep. I have insomnia but mine lasts for only three days and then I just pass out for a few hours and stay up for another three days. I am on day four and have only slept for no more than six or seven hours. I find my mind alone, whirling around until I leave my home at 230am to meet up with the same people at the same place every night until 5 or 7am; the only hours in my day where my thoughts aren't driving me mad. It is those people at that place which allows me something I can consistantly count on. I really don't know what I would do if I didn't have that.
I think it is very important to be there for somebody when they are in a mindset to end their own life. There is no lower point in our lives than wanting our life no more. Not helping somebody, not being there for somebody when they ask for it is the worst mistake we can make in our choices. They are asking for help for one reason. They are looking for reason from you to stay alive because they can't find it in themselves any longer. It is an extremely lonely place to be. I reached a point where I couldn't stand to try to get through one more day. I was so tired of trying. I hated knowing I had another day ahead of me tomorrow just like the one I just had today. When I had that in my head, I was ready to just end it. I knew I couldn't go one more day. I called somebody. I wanted to hear reason. I wanted to hear things would eventually get better. I couldn't find it in me, I had to hear it from somebody else. I was told they couldn't handle what I was going through. They had themselves to take care of. And then they hung up on me. The one person I thought I could turn to. When I heard the phone click, I lost it. From that moment on, I starting bingeing. My plan was to drink very much. Then I was going to get in my car and make sure I was not going to be coming back home again. I drank very much. I thank my lucky stars I passed out from overconsumption because I would have done a very irreversable act. However, I will never forgive this person for not being there for me when I reached this point. I will never forgive this person. Ever. I will always hold it against them, I will never forgive, I will never forget. Hearing them say "I love you" and "You're my best friend" only reminds me how much they don't and I'm not.
Time to go home.