I'm really scared
If these blackouts keep going on, I don't know what I'll do. Shoot myself in the head maybe? Because it's scaring me. I woke up, the clock said 5:15, I didn't remember what time I went to sleep, or why, or anything...and I was confused and didn't know what time it was, like in the morning or afternoon, or what day it was, I didn't know if a couple days had passed. I was scared. So I called Tonya's cell phone cuz I figured I would leave a message and at least not feel like I was in a room with the walls coming in at me, that would tempt me to cut, and she asnwered, what a surprise. We talked for a wee bit, I was all groggy and suspicious of everything she said. I felt awful about it when I got up, walked around, and realized I must have sounded funny. She's gonna give me a call tomorrow though, so hopefully I can apologize for freaking out. I'm glad I have someone like her I can call and be reassured, everything is alright.
For a litle bit after these blackouts, I feel like I can see into the future and shit. How weird do I feel right now? Very. You know what? Fuck this moving out shit. Why do I need to work full time, go to school full time in the fall, and try to be worrying about payng all of my bills? Why not stay here, where I have practically my own apartment, and just pay for a car/phone? Unless my parents freak out and start acting like dumbasses, I don't see any reason to leave for until I find the need to move into someone else's place (ie, I start dating someone and wish to live with them) but that's a ways off. So I'm just gonna stay here.
And to clear up any confusion (I got a call from someone congratulating me on getting back together with my ex...) I am still single, we are working out our shit, but we're far from getting back together, we just love each other and chose to spend Valentines Day together. I like the feeling of working my shit out, and I'm pretty proud of a few small things, and I'm striving to get better and better. I don't cut anymore, and I'm hoping and praying I can keep this up, because I really don't deserve to hurt myself. I deserve way better than that. I'm working on my trust issues, and my jealousy issues, and I'm happy with the progress I've seen. I still have a lot of shit to work on, now I'm going to focus on my responsibility issues, but I've come a long way. Even if no one else can see that, I can. It does start deep on the inside right? And I plan to follow through until I've worked through most of my weirdness.
For a litle bit after these blackouts, I feel like I can see into the future and shit. How weird do I feel right now? Very. You know what? Fuck this moving out shit. Why do I need to work full time, go to school full time in the fall, and try to be worrying about payng all of my bills? Why not stay here, where I have practically my own apartment, and just pay for a car/phone? Unless my parents freak out and start acting like dumbasses, I don't see any reason to leave for until I find the need to move into someone else's place (ie, I start dating someone and wish to live with them) but that's a ways off. So I'm just gonna stay here.
And to clear up any confusion (I got a call from someone congratulating me on getting back together with my ex...) I am still single, we are working out our shit, but we're far from getting back together, we just love each other and chose to spend Valentines Day together. I like the feeling of working my shit out, and I'm pretty proud of a few small things, and I'm striving to get better and better. I don't cut anymore, and I'm hoping and praying I can keep this up, because I really don't deserve to hurt myself. I deserve way better than that. I'm working on my trust issues, and my jealousy issues, and I'm happy with the progress I've seen. I still have a lot of shit to work on, now I'm going to focus on my responsibility issues, but I've come a long way. Even if no one else can see that, I can. It does start deep on the inside right? And I plan to follow through until I've worked through most of my weirdness.