True Feelings
Today I got something interesting in the mail. I'm sure she knows what I'm talking about. How many more nails are you going to drive into my soul? You already stole my soul, my heart, and who I am. You took everything inside of me and kicked me to the curb.
Do you know what got me through those 4 days of hell in the hospital? The thought of you (I took a picture of you with me) and the hope that when I got better and released that there would be some form of correspondence from you when I got home. But there was no such thing. Over the next week I spent days waiting outside for your arrival. I kept my cell phone on throughout the night hoping you would atleast call. Every day I went to my P.O. Box atleast twice to see if there would be a letter. But there was nothing. Just the hole inside of myself left by you.
I thought I could save you. I thought that was all you were waiting for. Was someone to unconditionally love you and to be there for you. I was even stupid enough to think that maybe I went through all the crap in my life for a reason. It was meant to be. I was kept alone and hurting so that when I finally found you that I could more fully appreciate and love you. There was no doubt in my mind that that was the reason I've had the life I've had.
You were my everything. I would have done anything for you. I meant every word I ever told you. That's why I came over that Thursday night. I told you before that I would NEVER leave you or give up on you, and I meant it. You told me the same thing. That you would never leave me. That we would be together forever. Apparently that was just pillow talk on your behalf. You only meant it in the safety of your room with the door closed, and the minute things get uncovered you flop on yor belly and going slithering back to him.
I've come to the conclusion that you deserve the life you have now. Even on the last day we spent together, you layed next to me and whined and cried about how you feel your entire life has been a waste. And you refuse to do a fucking thing about it. Maybe you think it makes you "cool" or "goth", I don't know, but it's pathetic. You haven't done one fucking thing to change anything. You are a 30 year old woman who wants to go through life acting like a 16 year old girl just sitting around complaining and writing little entries about how awful you feel, and you could care LESS about who's life you destroy on the way. "WA WA WA WA Kathryn left me, Becky left me, etc etc!". Your big complaint is that you feel alone. You think everyone leaves you, and than you finally had someone 100% devoted to you. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with you. I wanted nothing more than to undo the damage other people had done to you. It's nice to know that along with those other people you supposedly care SOOO much for that in a few years I'll barely be worth a paragraph in your revised LJ life story.
You don't have a clue about what it feels like to be dead inside or to be truly alone. You've always had other people there to pamper and control you like a little puppy dog so you don't have to lift a finger to do a fucking thing. That's why you're still with him. You may despise and hate him, but hey! He has a projector TV and is willing to treat you like the child you wish to be. The definition of a shallow and heartless bitch. Sure, you may be depressed, but you think that's better than being happy through effort.
DOn't use your kids as an excuse. You are still there soully for yourself. Because it's comfortable. You don't have to do anything there except what you do best; lie. Your entire life is built on lies. Even you yourself is a lie. After everything that's happened you'll still go on like you always do. Smiling at bullshit church meetings, baking your pies, going to little family outings, talking about "networking" and all the wonders of your godly life. Than maybe in a few years you'll get bored again than sucker someone else into being your fuck-toy for 9 months, than kicking than to the curb when the acts up.
And the worst thing of all this is that I still love you. I despise myself for it, but I am still madly in love with you. So while I sit here and destroy my life over you, you go back to normal being Ms. little happy pastor wife without giving me or my heart a second thought.
Do you know what got me through those 4 days of hell in the hospital? The thought of you (I took a picture of you with me) and the hope that when I got better and released that there would be some form of correspondence from you when I got home. But there was no such thing. Over the next week I spent days waiting outside for your arrival. I kept my cell phone on throughout the night hoping you would atleast call. Every day I went to my P.O. Box atleast twice to see if there would be a letter. But there was nothing. Just the hole inside of myself left by you.
I thought I could save you. I thought that was all you were waiting for. Was someone to unconditionally love you and to be there for you. I was even stupid enough to think that maybe I went through all the crap in my life for a reason. It was meant to be. I was kept alone and hurting so that when I finally found you that I could more fully appreciate and love you. There was no doubt in my mind that that was the reason I've had the life I've had.
You were my everything. I would have done anything for you. I meant every word I ever told you. That's why I came over that Thursday night. I told you before that I would NEVER leave you or give up on you, and I meant it. You told me the same thing. That you would never leave me. That we would be together forever. Apparently that was just pillow talk on your behalf. You only meant it in the safety of your room with the door closed, and the minute things get uncovered you flop on yor belly and going slithering back to him.
I've come to the conclusion that you deserve the life you have now. Even on the last day we spent together, you layed next to me and whined and cried about how you feel your entire life has been a waste. And you refuse to do a fucking thing about it. Maybe you think it makes you "cool" or "goth", I don't know, but it's pathetic. You haven't done one fucking thing to change anything. You are a 30 year old woman who wants to go through life acting like a 16 year old girl just sitting around complaining and writing little entries about how awful you feel, and you could care LESS about who's life you destroy on the way. "WA WA WA WA Kathryn left me, Becky left me, etc etc!". Your big complaint is that you feel alone. You think everyone leaves you, and than you finally had someone 100% devoted to you. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with you. I wanted nothing more than to undo the damage other people had done to you. It's nice to know that along with those other people you supposedly care SOOO much for that in a few years I'll barely be worth a paragraph in your revised LJ life story.
You don't have a clue about what it feels like to be dead inside or to be truly alone. You've always had other people there to pamper and control you like a little puppy dog so you don't have to lift a finger to do a fucking thing. That's why you're still with him. You may despise and hate him, but hey! He has a projector TV and is willing to treat you like the child you wish to be. The definition of a shallow and heartless bitch. Sure, you may be depressed, but you think that's better than being happy through effort.
DOn't use your kids as an excuse. You are still there soully for yourself. Because it's comfortable. You don't have to do anything there except what you do best; lie. Your entire life is built on lies. Even you yourself is a lie. After everything that's happened you'll still go on like you always do. Smiling at bullshit church meetings, baking your pies, going to little family outings, talking about "networking" and all the wonders of your godly life. Than maybe in a few years you'll get bored again than sucker someone else into being your fuck-toy for 9 months, than kicking than to the curb when the acts up.
And the worst thing of all this is that I still love you. I despise myself for it, but I am still madly in love with you. So while I sit here and destroy my life over you, you go back to normal being Ms. little happy pastor wife without giving me or my heart a second thought.