The surface is everything but I could never do that; someone would see through that.
i opened my journal for the first time in about two weeks, the first time since the funeral weekend. one of the pamphlet things i helped fold fell out on the floor, the prayer card sticking its little blue corner out into the light. for a minute, i missed religion; i missed beliving in something pure and good; i missed promises that wouldn't break; i missed feeling a safety and security in being vulnerable. of course, i realized that i no longer align myself with the christian faith for multiple reasons but for a second, a split second, i felt the strongest sadness well up inside of me and explode and i've felt like crying all day since. mission: accomplished.
i'm sure listening to this song on repeat and reading my journals over and over haven't been helpful either.
maybe i'm just missing a fix but today, every part of me hurts in the most infinite way.
post script: my dad called me half an hour ago to let me know he was on his way home? yeah he wasn't supposed to be back until tonight i thought but whatever, he's going to take me out to dinner and i'm going to drown my terrible emotions in something awful for me, like chocolate. mmm... looking forward to it. &&& my heart's been hurting [physically] a lot today: hoping for heart failure, let's cross our fingers!
i'm sure listening to this song on repeat and reading my journals over and over haven't been helpful either.
maybe i'm just missing a fix but today, every part of me hurts in the most infinite way.
post script: my dad called me half an hour ago to let me know he was on his way home? yeah he wasn't supposed to be back until tonight i thought but whatever, he's going to take me out to dinner and i'm going to drown my terrible emotions in something awful for me, like chocolate. mmm... looking forward to it. &&& my heart's been hurting [physically] a lot today: hoping for heart failure, let's cross our fingers!