Hi Dad
I don't know why and I know why.
I cry everytime a talk or some thought of my dad comes up.
It doesn't start as something big...seemingly insignificant at first.
Then it gets bigger and bigger in my mind and I start crying.
LIke today, we were coming back from the Speech banquet.
My mom mentions in the car that she feels sorry about the relationship that I have with my dad. Just sorrow. Just a small idea she had in mind all along. Yes, I am sorry too.
I don't get jealous of good dads I see. I never have. I don't even hope that I had a better relationship with him. He is there, around, and it feels cold around him.
I don't love him or even respect him. It really is hard to respect someone who hit you so many times and emotionally abused you. Sometimes he hit me because I wouldn't do math problems. I hate him.
It really doesn't matter anymore though. In my mind, he is not present in my emotional life. He never has.
But once in a while....little comments about him hit me so hard.
It fills me with sadness, anger, but mostly just pain. Really long pain that makes back of my neck hurt. All the nerves that leads to my brain tense up all of a sudden. I think that is why I get a lot of white hair. I think that is my brain's way of expressing the pain it has to contain...But still, I love life; because of my experience with my dad I realize that there is so much to look forward to. Even little things will make me smile because I know how to accept and appreciate what I have.
Wow, it all sounds so cliche. But none of them are false platitudes.
I cry everytime a talk or some thought of my dad comes up.
It doesn't start as something big...seemingly insignificant at first.
Then it gets bigger and bigger in my mind and I start crying.
LIke today, we were coming back from the Speech banquet.
My mom mentions in the car that she feels sorry about the relationship that I have with my dad. Just sorrow. Just a small idea she had in mind all along. Yes, I am sorry too.
I don't get jealous of good dads I see. I never have. I don't even hope that I had a better relationship with him. He is there, around, and it feels cold around him.
I don't love him or even respect him. It really is hard to respect someone who hit you so many times and emotionally abused you. Sometimes he hit me because I wouldn't do math problems. I hate him.
It really doesn't matter anymore though. In my mind, he is not present in my emotional life. He never has.
But once in a while....little comments about him hit me so hard.
It fills me with sadness, anger, but mostly just pain. Really long pain that makes back of my neck hurt. All the nerves that leads to my brain tense up all of a sudden. I think that is why I get a lot of white hair. I think that is my brain's way of expressing the pain it has to contain...But still, I love life; because of my experience with my dad I realize that there is so much to look forward to. Even little things will make me smile because I know how to accept and appreciate what I have.
Wow, it all sounds so cliche. But none of them are false platitudes.