The End
Welp... I just ended my 4 year relationship to Josh the other day. I don't exactly know how I feel right now... like one part of me is relieved that this week-long nightmare is over... another part of me is just numb,
Like I dunno.. I guess I'm still hurting over everything... especially at how it ended. Like I wanted so badly in my heart to have Josh like do something... show some kind of emotion that showed he cared... that showed he gave a damn...
I didn't expect him to just give up and get out of bed and change his FaceBook status to Single right infront of me.
That right there hurt like hell. I tried so so so so hard not to cry when he did that.. I kept telling myself that that was the sign right there in front of my face that he just didn't care about me or our relationship.
Like it made the 4 years we spent together seem like a waste... like I should have stayed separated from him the first time we broke up when he told my friend Joyce that he thought we were too different from one another and that he didn't deserve me....
I mean I prolly had it coming to me as well since I didn't go out and party with him... since I didn't drink like he did... since I wasn't the crazy partier,,, since I didn't dress like I was going to the club.... since I didn't put out when he wanted it...
But the thing is.. I was just done with that whole scene,,, like I was ready for something else.. like I was ready for that next step in my life.. but I couldn't take that step because I kept waiting for him... because I wanted so badly for him to be in my life.
Like it never hit me how he just took me for granted.. how he just expected me to be there and to be ok with his constant partying and bringing home random girls....
I never realized how patient I was with him... how I just allowed him to basically do this to me.
So in a way it was my fault that he perhaps cheated on me... because I was as he said "boring"
I guess I just couldn't fulfill his needs... so he reached out to other girls who would gladly give him the attention he wanted.
I don't even know how long he might have done this behind my back... told me one thing but did another... its just sad that he tried to make up some delusion about me and a friend to take the blame of himself.
It sucks that he told his friends in front of my face that I was a "slut" and was all over Hahn at a party... when I wasn't...
It sucks that he defended Susie and claimed that she has been his party-buddy for the past 3 years....
It sucks that he didn't trust me and had to stalk me to Joyce's party and sit outside in his car and watch me for 6 hours...
It sucks that he wouldn't admit to his lie...
It sucks that he wouldn't apologize to me for lying even after Calvin told me he never sent a text asking for him to be picked up...
It sucks that he told me he dropped Susie off at home and went party hopping that night....
It sucks that the next day he told me him and Susie partied all night together that night....
It sucks that I cried for 5 days....
It sucks that I couldn't control my emotions and couldn't work on Sunday....
It sucks that I allowed him the capability to break my heart...
It sucks that he just... didn't... care....
I'm not really writing this journal to vent to others to read... it's more of a journal to post for me to one day look back at and find it in my heart to forgive him for all the pain he put me through and to apologize to him as well for making him feel like I did something wrong... for making him lack trust in me... for making him think I was all over a friend... when in honest truth it wasn't my intention at all.
Like I don't regret our 4 years together... I guess you can say that I can use it as a learning experience... that I can use this experience to help me ween out the men who may treat me in a similar light... to find the guy out there somewhere who can treat me the way I guess I deserve to be treated.
I am thankful to all my friends and to all my coworkers and to my family for all the support they have given me during this time. For all the bubble tea... for all the encouraging words... for all the hugs... for an ear to listen to me. Thank you so very much. It means the world to me.
Like I dunno.. I guess I'm still hurting over everything... especially at how it ended. Like I wanted so badly in my heart to have Josh like do something... show some kind of emotion that showed he cared... that showed he gave a damn...
I didn't expect him to just give up and get out of bed and change his FaceBook status to Single right infront of me.
That right there hurt like hell. I tried so so so so hard not to cry when he did that.. I kept telling myself that that was the sign right there in front of my face that he just didn't care about me or our relationship.
Like it made the 4 years we spent together seem like a waste... like I should have stayed separated from him the first time we broke up when he told my friend Joyce that he thought we were too different from one another and that he didn't deserve me....
I mean I prolly had it coming to me as well since I didn't go out and party with him... since I didn't drink like he did... since I wasn't the crazy partier,,, since I didn't dress like I was going to the club.... since I didn't put out when he wanted it...
But the thing is.. I was just done with that whole scene,,, like I was ready for something else.. like I was ready for that next step in my life.. but I couldn't take that step because I kept waiting for him... because I wanted so badly for him to be in my life.
Like it never hit me how he just took me for granted.. how he just expected me to be there and to be ok with his constant partying and bringing home random girls....
I never realized how patient I was with him... how I just allowed him to basically do this to me.
So in a way it was my fault that he perhaps cheated on me... because I was as he said "boring"
I guess I just couldn't fulfill his needs... so he reached out to other girls who would gladly give him the attention he wanted.
I don't even know how long he might have done this behind my back... told me one thing but did another... its just sad that he tried to make up some delusion about me and a friend to take the blame of himself.
It sucks that he told his friends in front of my face that I was a "slut" and was all over Hahn at a party... when I wasn't...
It sucks that he defended Susie and claimed that she has been his party-buddy for the past 3 years....
It sucks that he didn't trust me and had to stalk me to Joyce's party and sit outside in his car and watch me for 6 hours...
It sucks that he wouldn't admit to his lie...
It sucks that he wouldn't apologize to me for lying even after Calvin told me he never sent a text asking for him to be picked up...
It sucks that he told me he dropped Susie off at home and went party hopping that night....
It sucks that the next day he told me him and Susie partied all night together that night....
It sucks that I cried for 5 days....
It sucks that I couldn't control my emotions and couldn't work on Sunday....
It sucks that I allowed him the capability to break my heart...
It sucks that he just... didn't... care....
I'm not really writing this journal to vent to others to read... it's more of a journal to post for me to one day look back at and find it in my heart to forgive him for all the pain he put me through and to apologize to him as well for making him feel like I did something wrong... for making him lack trust in me... for making him think I was all over a friend... when in honest truth it wasn't my intention at all.
Like I don't regret our 4 years together... I guess you can say that I can use it as a learning experience... that I can use this experience to help me ween out the men who may treat me in a similar light... to find the guy out there somewhere who can treat me the way I guess I deserve to be treated.
I am thankful to all my friends and to all my coworkers and to my family for all the support they have given me during this time. For all the bubble tea... for all the encouraging words... for all the hugs... for an ear to listen to me. Thank you so very much. It means the world to me.