I feel violated
In one hour I received 6 myspace messages from 6 different guys with one thing on their minds.
And it wasn't talking.
Some gave my numbers, others said let's hook up. Most were disgusting and horny suns of mother-less goats, but two were very charming in their own sick twisted way and I saw all to easily how young girls could get caught up in their twisted webs of lies like - you're so beautiful. You have such a great personality. Let's hook up - I promise I won't do anything!
It's scary and perverted, and I mean......it's my own damn fault because I did message back like some idiot just because I was bored, or curious. And I hate that I'm curious because it can get into a lot of trouble!
One guy said - come on, let me come pick you up? We can just go for a stroll on the beach. I can hold you and we can cuddle. And you can fall asleep while I hold you and I'll wake you up when it gets light! Then the worn out - I won't do anything! I promise!!!
Which if you actually think about it - like if it was someone you truly trusted, truly liked and someone who you KNEW for God sakes, then wouldn't that just sound really, really sweet?!?!?!
And it was sweet - the words were sweet, the thought was sweet! But he wasn't sweet! It wasn't innocent! And finally in the end he did admit he wanted sex - but only if I wanted too!
Another guy was persistent as well, trying his best to get me to meet up with him at night on a beach or even in the day time - as he put if "if it will make you feel better!"
Which it didn't. I didn't want to see him period, but no matter how nicely I conveyed that, changed the subject or brought up reasons why it wouldn't work, he kept at it! And ultimately got mad at me at the fact that everything, a simple request to meet, had gotten "blown out of proportion." And he was upset cause I had kept him up while he needed to go to work tomorrow.
Ha...yeah...I kept him up! Right!
But for some reason, I feel really bad. A very, very small amount for what I did. But I honestly did just enjoy talking with this guy. I mean, he was a photographer, and I found it interesting! Totally innocent on my part! He was the one who suddenly jumped to -- "so do you mind our age difference?"
HELL YEAH I MIND OUR AGE DIFFERENCE, YOU PERVERT! YOU'RE ******* 27 YEARS OLD, I'M 18!!! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK? Do the math buddy! 18 = un-experienced. 27 = GET A LIFE AND FIND SOMEONE YOUR OWN AGE! Added together doesn't make for a good sum.
*sigh* And even though I did do the right thing in saying no, continually - even though it was my fault for talking in the first place - I still feel bad. I mean I'm so depressed right now. I feel so dejected and disheartened. I don't even know this guy and he's getting mad at ME because I'M not falling for his feeble, pathetic plea? He's getting mad at ME because I'M a Christian and I'M narrow minded and I haven't lived or had adventure or taken changes because I'M a virgin!
I mean seriously, just because I don't drink, I don't party, I don't do drugs or have sex doesn't mean I haven't lived!!! God what is this world?!?!?! What is this world I live in - oh it's so cold and frightening! And I hate it! And I wish I didn't feel this way but I do!
I feel so scared, so violated in my faith, and as a women, and as me and I feel like crap because he picked me apart in ways saying "I live my life like a robot " - or "Sex is apart of growing and that I should experience it and not wait for marriage."
I mean who the hell is he to say any of that? Who is he to message me randomly and say such things????
...And I was dumb enough to listen. I know that. And I'm sorry.
I feel like complete crap right now, and I'm really just wishing for someone to hug. My dog just walked by, but when I grabbed her, she just wanted to be put down. It gave me some comfort though.
And then it's not like I can explain to my parents. They'll have me off Myspace soooooo fast with that - I knew you shouldn't have been on there - speech. And I feel like I can't even talk about it with people cause I know they'll point the finger at me because I messaged back, and I choose to respond, and I choose to let it go that far!
I mean, damnit I'm a nice person and even though I knew I was leading these guys on, I was trying to say no but in a polite way because I didn't want to get anyone mad at me! And I only messaged back in the first place because I thought it was totally innocent.....
I really hate growing up. I really really do. It's so hard for me not to cry right now. *sigh* I dunno, I mean.......I don't want a boyfriend...no, no...I do...I really do, but I know that right now at this time in my life I'm not suppose to right now. And it's so hard because these are the moments I wish I could just have one to call me and say, baby it's alright. I've got you. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you.
Someone to just hold me and dry my tears, and someone to just listen to me breath on the phone because they know I need someone there wither we talk or not.
And when guys say stuff like that - like that I'm gorgeous, and that they want me to be theirs, and that they'll "hold me, kiss me and comfort me because that's what I deserve," it's hard not to be flattered. And you do - in some way even though you know these guys are sick and liars - feel wanted and special....and I mean, I was feeling at a point where - I didn't care who it was, I just wanted to be held.
But I know that's wrong. Because I only want my future someone to hold me like that! I don't want to just give it away freely on a stupid whim because I need a hug. But hearing guys say it makes me one of two things - Sad because they're not my guy and they're taking his words. And two - ad because who knows how much longer it'll be before it does happen.
"Doesn't it scare you, your will's not as strong, as it use to be..." -John Mayer
I appreciate you guys for reading this all, if you did. You're great.
-Mai
P.S I like it on here. Live Journal, that is. I feel safe. And lately, I don't feel safe anymore.
And it wasn't talking.
Some gave my numbers, others said let's hook up. Most were disgusting and horny suns of mother-less goats, but two were very charming in their own sick twisted way and I saw all to easily how young girls could get caught up in their twisted webs of lies like - you're so beautiful. You have such a great personality. Let's hook up - I promise I won't do anything!
It's scary and perverted, and I mean......it's my own damn fault because I did message back like some idiot just because I was bored, or curious. And I hate that I'm curious because it can get into a lot of trouble!
One guy said - come on, let me come pick you up? We can just go for a stroll on the beach. I can hold you and we can cuddle. And you can fall asleep while I hold you and I'll wake you up when it gets light! Then the worn out - I won't do anything! I promise!!!
Which if you actually think about it - like if it was someone you truly trusted, truly liked and someone who you KNEW for God sakes, then wouldn't that just sound really, really sweet?!?!?!
And it was sweet - the words were sweet, the thought was sweet! But he wasn't sweet! It wasn't innocent! And finally in the end he did admit he wanted sex - but only if I wanted too!
Another guy was persistent as well, trying his best to get me to meet up with him at night on a beach or even in the day time - as he put if "if it will make you feel better!"
Which it didn't. I didn't want to see him period, but no matter how nicely I conveyed that, changed the subject or brought up reasons why it wouldn't work, he kept at it! And ultimately got mad at me at the fact that everything, a simple request to meet, had gotten "blown out of proportion." And he was upset cause I had kept him up while he needed to go to work tomorrow.
Ha...yeah...I kept him up! Right!
But for some reason, I feel really bad. A very, very small amount for what I did. But I honestly did just enjoy talking with this guy. I mean, he was a photographer, and I found it interesting! Totally innocent on my part! He was the one who suddenly jumped to -- "so do you mind our age difference?"
HELL YEAH I MIND OUR AGE DIFFERENCE, YOU PERVERT! YOU'RE ******* 27 YEARS OLD, I'M 18!!! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK? Do the math buddy! 18 = un-experienced. 27 = GET A LIFE AND FIND SOMEONE YOUR OWN AGE! Added together doesn't make for a good sum.
*sigh* And even though I did do the right thing in saying no, continually - even though it was my fault for talking in the first place - I still feel bad. I mean I'm so depressed right now. I feel so dejected and disheartened. I don't even know this guy and he's getting mad at ME because I'M not falling for his feeble, pathetic plea? He's getting mad at ME because I'M a Christian and I'M narrow minded and I haven't lived or had adventure or taken changes because I'M a virgin!
I mean seriously, just because I don't drink, I don't party, I don't do drugs or have sex doesn't mean I haven't lived!!! God what is this world?!?!?! What is this world I live in - oh it's so cold and frightening! And I hate it! And I wish I didn't feel this way but I do!
I feel so scared, so violated in my faith, and as a women, and as me and I feel like crap because he picked me apart in ways saying "I live my life like a robot " - or "Sex is apart of growing and that I should experience it and not wait for marriage."
I mean who the hell is he to say any of that? Who is he to message me randomly and say such things????
...And I was dumb enough to listen. I know that. And I'm sorry.
I feel like complete crap right now, and I'm really just wishing for someone to hug. My dog just walked by, but when I grabbed her, she just wanted to be put down. It gave me some comfort though.
And then it's not like I can explain to my parents. They'll have me off Myspace soooooo fast with that - I knew you shouldn't have been on there - speech. And I feel like I can't even talk about it with people cause I know they'll point the finger at me because I messaged back, and I choose to respond, and I choose to let it go that far!
I mean, damnit I'm a nice person and even though I knew I was leading these guys on, I was trying to say no but in a polite way because I didn't want to get anyone mad at me! And I only messaged back in the first place because I thought it was totally innocent.....
I really hate growing up. I really really do. It's so hard for me not to cry right now. *sigh* I dunno, I mean.......I don't want a boyfriend...no, no...I do...I really do, but I know that right now at this time in my life I'm not suppose to right now. And it's so hard because these are the moments I wish I could just have one to call me and say, baby it's alright. I've got you. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you.
Someone to just hold me and dry my tears, and someone to just listen to me breath on the phone because they know I need someone there wither we talk or not.
And when guys say stuff like that - like that I'm gorgeous, and that they want me to be theirs, and that they'll "hold me, kiss me and comfort me because that's what I deserve," it's hard not to be flattered. And you do - in some way even though you know these guys are sick and liars - feel wanted and special....and I mean, I was feeling at a point where - I didn't care who it was, I just wanted to be held.
But I know that's wrong. Because I only want my future someone to hold me like that! I don't want to just give it away freely on a stupid whim because I need a hug. But hearing guys say it makes me one of two things - Sad because they're not my guy and they're taking his words. And two - ad because who knows how much longer it'll be before it does happen.
"Doesn't it scare you, your will's not as strong, as it use to be..." -John Mayer
I appreciate you guys for reading this all, if you did. You're great.
-Mai
P.S I like it on here. Live Journal, that is. I feel safe. And lately, I don't feel safe anymore.