(no subject)
Stop trying to hurt so bad..
that same feeling is back. i tried to ignore it and i can't.
you can only push something away for so long, until you don't have the strength to do it anymore.
i do this to myself. i bring it on myself. maybe to make myself feel something else.
maybe so i'm not so fucking numb.
or maybe to make myself so numb that i don't give a shit anymore.
if you asked me to describe it, the best i could come up with is..
a grinding,intense need. Clenching your fists to block it out.bite your lips until they bleed.fear and need and love and hate all mixed into one.
Is this how an addict feels? Am i really the addict i tell myself i'm not? I tell everyone i'm not?
everyone did warn me this would happen. get it under control or you're fucked.
At the time i didn't think there was anything to "get under control"
now i'm not so sure.
i see how they look at me. I can hear it in their voices.the hushed tones,the cautious wording,they are carefully skirting around it.they are shifting their eyes away from mine.
it's easier to lie that way,did you know? you can lie alot easier if you don't have to look someone in the eye.
so what do i do?
i try to help people out, now i'm asking for the help.
no one will ever read this which i find sort of comforting.
like talking to myself but..
you don't seem so crazy if you write it down instead.
that same feeling is back. i tried to ignore it and i can't.
you can only push something away for so long, until you don't have the strength to do it anymore.
i do this to myself. i bring it on myself. maybe to make myself feel something else.
maybe so i'm not so fucking numb.
or maybe to make myself so numb that i don't give a shit anymore.
if you asked me to describe it, the best i could come up with is..
a grinding,intense need. Clenching your fists to block it out.bite your lips until they bleed.fear and need and love and hate all mixed into one.
Is this how an addict feels? Am i really the addict i tell myself i'm not? I tell everyone i'm not?
everyone did warn me this would happen. get it under control or you're fucked.
At the time i didn't think there was anything to "get under control"
now i'm not so sure.
i see how they look at me. I can hear it in their voices.the hushed tones,the cautious wording,they are carefully skirting around it.they are shifting their eyes away from mine.
it's easier to lie that way,did you know? you can lie alot easier if you don't have to look someone in the eye.
so what do i do?
i try to help people out, now i'm asking for the help.
no one will ever read this which i find sort of comforting.
like talking to myself but..
you don't seem so crazy if you write it down instead.