tiredness fuels empty thoughts
Today I have been thinking.
the same things swirl around in my brain.
love and lust and want and need and have and hate and structure and relationships and the like.
Love. Will I ever love someone? Will I ever truly love someone? Will I ever finally understand the difference? Is it possible for someone to love me? the way I am? my whole fucked up self? Can I ever let someone do that to themselves? get involved with me? it seems heartless not to give warning before something significant happens,don't you think?
Lust. Why is it so easy to get love and lust mixed up? How long does lust last? a month? a year? a lifetime? How long until you stop wanting someone, or they stop wanting you? is it inevitable? can you change the way things work out? When it goes away,does the love fade? do you need the lust along with the love? Is love substantial enough to hold everything together?
and, will I ever need it again? does everyone eventually turn back to it? need the warmth of another body to sleep next to? to sleep with? do the patterns change day to day? month to month?
Want and Need are so different to me. I have wanted alot of things, and most of the time, when i get them, it's so much different than I thought it would be,it's always disappointing in the end.always such a let down.
Maybe it's me that's the let down? Maybe i need to work on myself and not let others try to do it. It seems like a lost cause.
I think i know what I need. I think I have known for awhile.I think it's too scary to think about it at this moment in time.
hate. hate is a big one. I have felt hate towards me, and I have hated. It's a strange thing. Love and Hate are polar opposites but sometimes I can't tell the difference.
You fight because you are trying to hold onto the love, fix the problem and it frustrates you,but the words that come out, the thoughts in your head are so hateful that you don't understand how this could possibly be love.
I shut down, it's what I do.I give up and I shut down. I don't talk, i don't fight.
I remember her yelling at me and crying and screaming at me to just say something, justify it,smile,blink,do anything.I could feel how frustrated she was.It was coming off of her in waves,hitting me in the face.
And i couldn't. I couldn't do it. I wanted to. I wanted to say anything to make her feel like SHE didn't fuck up.Like SHE didn't make me this way.it's how I came.
and i remember her getting so angry and saying all of the things that people think but never say.
And thinking to myself,the whole time,how i wish i said it first, i wish i told her beforehand how things would turn out so i wouldn't end up making someone else hate me,hate themselves.
so maybe i'm better off as a "just friends" person. Nothing is complicated when you are just friends with someone.
sex messes everything up.intimacy ruins the best relationships you will ever have.