The demon on my back
I've been meaning to update with where I'm at lately. I've had strep throat, and haven't felt up to posting. Now, I am feeling better and am going to lay it all bare. This is going to be long, and possibly emotional.
To tell you what I am going through now, I must tell you what I've been through before. People know some of it. I know I've talked a little to Erin about it. But, no one knows the full force of what I went through. Probably no one can, unless they've been through the same or similar trials.
Senior year, I developed a serious case of emetophobia. That is, the fear of vomiting. Most people when hearing this think, well no one likes to throw up. But emetophobia is more than a discomfort with, or a disliking of vomit. It's more than hating that feeling in the pit of your stomach. It is an engulfing, crippling fear of it. I couldn't live my life any more. Not a real life, anyway. Up until that point, I was full of life. Vivacious, even. I had endless energy and spunk. Then the demon got hold of me. Sometimes, I feel uncomfortable calling it a demon, because I don't want to sound possessed or exorcist-like. But, the truth is, there is a spiritual world we cannot see that effects our lives. Life is a spiritual war.
Some of the things that happened during senior year were scary to say the least. I went from enjoying being around people, to dreading human contact. I started hating the things I had previously loved. I never sat out a competition and had always loved cheerleading until my senior year. I put walls between myself and others which ruined and basically ended my cheering career. I put walls up that put distance in friendships, ruined relationships, and caused fights with my family. I didn't eat for fear that it would cause me to throw up. I didn't sleep for fear that I would stop being able to fight any urge to vomit. I lost thirty pounds. I had stomach aches all the time from hunger. I got angry at people. I lashed out and would completely freak out. I knew it wasn't me yelling and freaking out. It was scary knowing something else was controlling me. At the time, I was spiritually very weak, so I had no idea what was really going on. I didn't know what was running my life. I knew it was the fear.
I started to find my way toward my faith and began recovering little by little. Two years ago, I could safely say that I could clean up after the kids and still eat that day. I was afraid of the idea of myself getting sick, but I could handle others' illnesses. Recently, I thought maybe I could handle it if I got sick. Never be comfortable with it, but handle it.
Then I got blindsided by it again. I've been stressed out about other things and the kids started getting the stomach flu at work. Norma Jean for some reason decided to allow sick kids to stay at the daycare. Their parents would tell us they threw up the night before or they would get diarrhea at the daycare and she would keep them there. With everything else going on, and the state of stagnation my spiritual life has been in lately, Norma Jean's refusal to take precautions to keep her staff and the other kids healthy was a catalyst to bring back the emetophobia. I wasn't where I should have been in my relationship with God which left me wide open for an attack by the devil. He was waiting for me to slip so he could hit me where he knew he would get me.
For a couple days last week, I was back where I was senior year. I was controlled by it. Luckily I know what it is this time. I have been through it, so I was able to recognize it immediately. I also know it for what it is. An attack by the devil. I know what helped last time to get me over it and I also know that the best defense is to draw closer to God. To fight this attack with the only One that can push away demons.
Currently, at this moment, I am in a decent place. I have been in the Word more lately. I have been spending a lot of time praying. I am not angry at Norma Jean as I was the other day. Now, I am just embarrassed that I freaked out at work and everyone saw it. I think I have made leaps in beating this demon. I am eating regularly without fear. I am sleeping fine (well nonstop the last few days from the fever). I am in a better place than I was five days ago. So, all in all, the demon on my back is less controlling and is going to be much easier to beat than before. I think I have the control now, and will as long as I keep God my first priority.
To tell you what I am going through now, I must tell you what I've been through before. People know some of it. I know I've talked a little to Erin about it. But, no one knows the full force of what I went through. Probably no one can, unless they've been through the same or similar trials.
Senior year, I developed a serious case of emetophobia. That is, the fear of vomiting. Most people when hearing this think, well no one likes to throw up. But emetophobia is more than a discomfort with, or a disliking of vomit. It's more than hating that feeling in the pit of your stomach. It is an engulfing, crippling fear of it. I couldn't live my life any more. Not a real life, anyway. Up until that point, I was full of life. Vivacious, even. I had endless energy and spunk. Then the demon got hold of me. Sometimes, I feel uncomfortable calling it a demon, because I don't want to sound possessed or exorcist-like. But, the truth is, there is a spiritual world we cannot see that effects our lives. Life is a spiritual war.
Some of the things that happened during senior year were scary to say the least. I went from enjoying being around people, to dreading human contact. I started hating the things I had previously loved. I never sat out a competition and had always loved cheerleading until my senior year. I put walls between myself and others which ruined and basically ended my cheering career. I put walls up that put distance in friendships, ruined relationships, and caused fights with my family. I didn't eat for fear that it would cause me to throw up. I didn't sleep for fear that I would stop being able to fight any urge to vomit. I lost thirty pounds. I had stomach aches all the time from hunger. I got angry at people. I lashed out and would completely freak out. I knew it wasn't me yelling and freaking out. It was scary knowing something else was controlling me. At the time, I was spiritually very weak, so I had no idea what was really going on. I didn't know what was running my life. I knew it was the fear.
I started to find my way toward my faith and began recovering little by little. Two years ago, I could safely say that I could clean up after the kids and still eat that day. I was afraid of the idea of myself getting sick, but I could handle others' illnesses. Recently, I thought maybe I could handle it if I got sick. Never be comfortable with it, but handle it.
Then I got blindsided by it again. I've been stressed out about other things and the kids started getting the stomach flu at work. Norma Jean for some reason decided to allow sick kids to stay at the daycare. Their parents would tell us they threw up the night before or they would get diarrhea at the daycare and she would keep them there. With everything else going on, and the state of stagnation my spiritual life has been in lately, Norma Jean's refusal to take precautions to keep her staff and the other kids healthy was a catalyst to bring back the emetophobia. I wasn't where I should have been in my relationship with God which left me wide open for an attack by the devil. He was waiting for me to slip so he could hit me where he knew he would get me.
For a couple days last week, I was back where I was senior year. I was controlled by it. Luckily I know what it is this time. I have been through it, so I was able to recognize it immediately. I also know it for what it is. An attack by the devil. I know what helped last time to get me over it and I also know that the best defense is to draw closer to God. To fight this attack with the only One that can push away demons.
Currently, at this moment, I am in a decent place. I have been in the Word more lately. I have been spending a lot of time praying. I am not angry at Norma Jean as I was the other day. Now, I am just embarrassed that I freaked out at work and everyone saw it. I think I have made leaps in beating this demon. I am eating regularly without fear. I am sleeping fine (well nonstop the last few days from the fever). I am in a better place than I was five days ago. So, all in all, the demon on my back is less controlling and is going to be much easier to beat than before. I think I have the control now, and will as long as I keep God my first priority.