Rain Rain.... rain on my parade....
So I was wondering if it's considered weird for guys to carry an umbrella around when it rains out like today. I mean on campus you won't see too many if any in our age group carrying an umbrella. But then when you see an older guy all dressed up in his suit and tie and he carries an umbrella and does so proudly. when do you reach that age as a guy that it's alright to carry an umbrella. are younger guys just too lazy to buy one and take it out in the rain? do they just not like how it feels or looks? anyway something to ponder....
and on that note I have no idea what to do. you've all by now heard the story or will eventually. and I keep gettting told I don't deserve to be treated like that and that's its not fair to me. and I know its true. its not fair for me to deal with all this and be underappreciated, not cared for, not respected and such. its really not fair to me. I know that. I know that he's selfish and stubborn and is slow to or simply won't change his ways. but I love him. and I have so much hope and trust in all humans that they will change for love and always can become better. or maybe its just an innate hope that our relationship will get better. we've had hard times before and totally bounced back. so I always hope that we will again and I'm willing to always try no matter what the situation is and how badly he's made me feel. yah he makes me cry. that quote to find a guy that won't make you cry, I'm sorry it's not possible. any guy you are that involved with will make you cry at some point.
so at this point I can tell him I don't deserve to be treated like that and he needs to change how he treats me or else he won't get to be with me. I can do that. but I also get so nervous about that ultimatum... I feel like I'm the one picking the fight then and if things go badly then he shrug it off and blame me for a breakup or whatever ensues. I also have been told to make my point by stop being so appreciative and stop caring for him so much and as silly as it sounds that is so hard for me to do. I love writing the cards each month and I love being cute and making little poems for him. I could not give him a card as may 14th roles around but that would probably end up being harder on me than it would be on him. then it was suggested that I make the point and just say I don't want you to come up this weekend because I'm only going to feel like crap if you do... or something along those lines. my argument is that I'd spend the weekend probably more miserable than him although my friend had a point in that if he came up I might be miserable too. maybe.
I guess what really scares me most about doing, besides the fact that I hate treating people like that, is based on past experiences. The last time I told him I didn't want to hang out, one night, in reaction to something HE had done, or not done in that case, he got all confused. the next time he saw me he was thinking about breaking up with me and almost did. and that sucks because that wouldn't be my intent by not seeing him. my intentions would be for him to realize that he needs to appreciate me, treat me better, and such and see what its like when I'm not there. it wouldn't be drive us apart. My fears are so many. I'm afraid he'd be excited to have a "weekend off" and enjoy sleeping in, playing videogames, or frisbee golf and the fact that I wasn't there wouldn't phase him and he'd enjoy it. I'm afraid that if he'd be mad about it would think about breaking up with me again. I'm afraid that he won't find me worth it, worth all the drama that I'd be creating and such. I'm afraid he wouldn't be willing to put in the work it takes to make things better if I did that.
I know that if he's not willing to work to make the relationship better than I shouldn't want to be with him. i know that if he wouldn't find me worth all the drama and would find it easier to break up and not work at it then I shouldn't want to be with him. I do deserve better than that if I'm not worth it to him.
I know all this and I don't know what to do. I don't what stand to take, what actions would be enough to get it through his head; other people talking to him doesn't work. his mom was just telling him he needed to show more he cared about him and that was after he told her some story, I have no idea what he told her but whatever it was it made him look bad from his view of it too. lol. me talking to him apparently doesn't work because he responds with apparently all empty words and promises that become nullified as soon as he has the chance to follow through with the words and prove them true with actions. what works? what's the limit? have I become one of those girls in a relationship that all her friends knows is wrong but she can't see it? or am I still at the point where its okay for me to think that we can fix this? am I being irrational?
and on that note I have no idea what to do. you've all by now heard the story or will eventually. and I keep gettting told I don't deserve to be treated like that and that's its not fair to me. and I know its true. its not fair for me to deal with all this and be underappreciated, not cared for, not respected and such. its really not fair to me. I know that. I know that he's selfish and stubborn and is slow to or simply won't change his ways. but I love him. and I have so much hope and trust in all humans that they will change for love and always can become better. or maybe its just an innate hope that our relationship will get better. we've had hard times before and totally bounced back. so I always hope that we will again and I'm willing to always try no matter what the situation is and how badly he's made me feel. yah he makes me cry. that quote to find a guy that won't make you cry, I'm sorry it's not possible. any guy you are that involved with will make you cry at some point.
so at this point I can tell him I don't deserve to be treated like that and he needs to change how he treats me or else he won't get to be with me. I can do that. but I also get so nervous about that ultimatum... I feel like I'm the one picking the fight then and if things go badly then he shrug it off and blame me for a breakup or whatever ensues. I also have been told to make my point by stop being so appreciative and stop caring for him so much and as silly as it sounds that is so hard for me to do. I love writing the cards each month and I love being cute and making little poems for him. I could not give him a card as may 14th roles around but that would probably end up being harder on me than it would be on him. then it was suggested that I make the point and just say I don't want you to come up this weekend because I'm only going to feel like crap if you do... or something along those lines. my argument is that I'd spend the weekend probably more miserable than him although my friend had a point in that if he came up I might be miserable too. maybe.
I guess what really scares me most about doing, besides the fact that I hate treating people like that, is based on past experiences. The last time I told him I didn't want to hang out, one night, in reaction to something HE had done, or not done in that case, he got all confused. the next time he saw me he was thinking about breaking up with me and almost did. and that sucks because that wouldn't be my intent by not seeing him. my intentions would be for him to realize that he needs to appreciate me, treat me better, and such and see what its like when I'm not there. it wouldn't be drive us apart. My fears are so many. I'm afraid he'd be excited to have a "weekend off" and enjoy sleeping in, playing videogames, or frisbee golf and the fact that I wasn't there wouldn't phase him and he'd enjoy it. I'm afraid that if he'd be mad about it would think about breaking up with me again. I'm afraid that he won't find me worth it, worth all the drama that I'd be creating and such. I'm afraid he wouldn't be willing to put in the work it takes to make things better if I did that.
I know that if he's not willing to work to make the relationship better than I shouldn't want to be with him. i know that if he wouldn't find me worth all the drama and would find it easier to break up and not work at it then I shouldn't want to be with him. I do deserve better than that if I'm not worth it to him.
I know all this and I don't know what to do. I don't what stand to take, what actions would be enough to get it through his head; other people talking to him doesn't work. his mom was just telling him he needed to show more he cared about him and that was after he told her some story, I have no idea what he told her but whatever it was it made him look bad from his view of it too. lol. me talking to him apparently doesn't work because he responds with apparently all empty words and promises that become nullified as soon as he has the chance to follow through with the words and prove them true with actions. what works? what's the limit? have I become one of those girls in a relationship that all her friends knows is wrong but she can't see it? or am I still at the point where its okay for me to think that we can fix this? am I being irrational?