Must Be Over 18.
Mayor Wilkins:
I want to know something. I need to know something. I sit here and have to see thread after thread full of whiny, self-defeating bullshit. Day after day, I see people talking about how life is awful and will never get any better, that they've lost the love of their life, that women won't touch them, that they're worthless, that guys won't pay attention to them, that all men are liars, that all women are cheating whores so let's just pigeonhole everyone of the opposite sex and refuse to give any new guy or girl a chance because others have hurt us in the past. I read this shit, and I have to wonder - how the FUCK can you people stand to live with yourselves and these self-defeating attitudes?
Look, I know life's not fair. I know it's hard. I know you're going to find yourselves in some hard situations. I know that relationships can be tricky, that they can end badly, and that you're going to wind up hurt. I know that you're going to make mistakes. I know that people are going to break their promises to you, and that the person you're dating might wind up cheating on you. I know that it's going to hurt. I know you're going to wind up being hurt a lot, probably, over the course of your life. You're going to be let down, disappointed, abandoned, shunned, scorned, hurt, broken, used, and tossed aside. People are going to walk away from you.
But guess what? That happens to all of us. No, really! No shit! Life's hard for everyone. Guess what else? Of COURSE you're going to make mistakes. Really! Life's nothing but you making a series of mistakes and then learning from them and adjusting your future behavior so that you don't make the same mistakes again. We all do it. We all make mistakes. Lots of them! All the time! Fuck, some of us make the same mistakes multiple times. Hey, that's just how life is. We don't always learn from the first time. Sometimes we never learn. Sometimes we're stupid. That's just the way it is!
So there it is in a nutshell, wrapped up all nice and neat for you - you're a fuckup, but that's okay, because we're all fuckups. We're in this together. You fuck up, I fuck up, and together we continue living life in a world full of fuckups.
Don't feel bad; no matter how badly you fuck up, someone else has fucked up worse than you. No, seriously, it's true. No matter how seriously you have fucked up over the course of your life, someone else has made you look like a total rank amateur at the fucking up game. Yeah, you think you've got it bad because your girlfriend cheated on you and left you for your best friend. That's pretty bad, but you need to realize that someone somewhere just found out that his girlfriend cheated on him with his dad, and she's leaving him for his dad, and oh yeah, she gave both of them AIDS. In addition, she's siphoned all the money out of their joint bank account and spent it on online poker, so he's going to be evicted from his apartment any day now. See? Your life doesn't sound so goddamned bad now, does it?
There you go. Life's not easy for you, but it's not easy for anyone, either. Except for the rich, but you know what? Fuck the rich. They're not a very large segment of the population anyway, and if you base what you want your life to be like on THEIR lives, then, and no offense meant, but you are seriously a goddamned mouth-breathing retarded moron.
Look, chances are that you're kind of an idiot. That's okay, too; so am I. We all are, in our own ways. That's how we can stand living in a society with each other without just going totally apeshit nuts and beating each other to death with baseball bats. Whether or not we consciously realize it, we know that we're idiots right along with everyone else. Oh man, do we do some stupid stuff. I do, you do, we all do. You know it. Don't try to deny it. You're not the only smart person in the world, so stop acting like you are. None of us are exempt from being total fucking morons, and if you pretend that you're exempt, then everyone's going to hate spending time around you and your life's just going to wind up being even worse. So suck it up and deal with it already.
In case I've lost you so far - and the chances are pretty high that I have, as you've probably seen something shiny and had to go play with it - I am saying that we're all idiots, we all make mistakes, that we all fuck up, and that life is nothing but a series of mistakes and potential learning experiences. Okay? Do I have you so far? Good, because it's time for the next part.
Life's hard, we've established that. I know you're in a difficult situation right now, that you don't think it will get any better. Well, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop it, think for a minute, and decide how you can get OUT of that situation. You can do it. Really, you can! Life WILL get better. But first, you have to get yourself out of that shitty situation, and you can't very well do that while you're curled up in bed crying your eyes out over the fact that your life is so so so hard.
You need to drop the goddamned depressing stupid emo bullshit. I know you think that you're special and unique, but you're not. I know you think that nobody in the entire world has ever hurt the way that you do, but you're wrong. Everyone has been hurt. Your pain is neither unique or special. All right, your girlfriend cheated on you. Big fucking deal. Girlfriends have cheated on me before. Don't tell me that I can't possibly understand what you're going through. Yeah, okay, you loved her a whole lot. Don't act like I didn't care about the girls who cheated on me, too. And guess what? LOTS of guys have had their girlfriends cheat on them. Girls have had their boyfriends cheat on them. It happens! Your situation, while bad, is not special. It is not unique. It is one of many millions that will happen this year alone. You're a statistic, a blip on the radar at best, a shadow in a pitch-black night at worst. If you don't like that harsh reality, tough shit. Deal with it.
Oh no, you say you've just lost the only girl/guy who will ever love you, the only one you'll ever love! You'll never meet another person like them. This was it, your only chance at happiness in life, and you've blown it. It's gone now! Now you have to scramble for a second chance with them, you have to pine over them for months or years and desparately try to win them back. How can anyone else ever love you? This person was THE ONE and now you've lost them. Oh God, oh, oh God, what will you do? You're stupid, you're worthless, your life is a shit-filled hell that nobody can possibly understand. Except for your ex! They understand! What can you DO?
I'll tell you what you can do - you can cut the shit and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
I know it hurts like hell now. Remember; I've experienced pain, too. We all have! But the chances that you've just lost the only person who will ever love you are extremely fucking slim to the point that they couldn't be measured with precise scientific equipment. The law of averages is just completely against you, man. Unless you die of cancer or get hit by a car tomorrow, guess what? You're going to meet someone else. I know it doesn't seem like it now, because you're still hurting, but I promise you that you WILL meet someone else. So if you cut all the stupid whining aching-pussy bullshit now, you might forget all about this pain in something less than five to ten years. Doesn't that sound like fun? How about you try it?
Drop the whining, drop the pining, drop all that stupid bullshit. Don't tell us that nobody else is ever going to love you again; those are stupid words that stupid people say. It's self-defeating bullshit, and it's going to keep you from finding anyone. I know it sounds like stupid pop psychology crap, but it's true - if you don't love yourself, nobody else is going to be able to love you. So stand the fuck up, cut the shit, and get on with your life. Your girlfriend or boyfriend? They're gone. They've moved on. It's time for you to move on, too. Hey, you broke up, they're your ex. They're your ex for a reason, you know. Remember the reason. Let it guide you away from trying to reconcile with them.
While you're at it, while you're refusing to pine over your ex, how about shutting the fuck up about how unattractive you are, too? Most of us aren't exactly supermodels, you know. We all look different. Some of us are fat, some of us are thin, some are pretty, some...well, some just aren't. You might not be the shiniest apple in the barrel. Hell, you might have a couple of nice-sized bruises on you. But no matter how bruised you are, remember that there's an apple in the barrel which is rotting all the way through and it's infested with tons of goddamned worms. Yeah, it's bad for you because you're not going to win any beauty contests, but somewhere there's a person who can only get sex from hobos. Hobos with very low standards. Oh no, you're not getting laid! Well, you're not trying very hard, are you? Get the fuck over yourself and get out there and find some pussy, find some dick. Someone somewhere will think you're hot shit, and they'll let you just cram it in 'em all day long. If you shut the fuck up with the self pity and actually try to find them, maybe you'll actually have an orgasm that doesn't involve your hand or an inflatable sheep for once.
Guys! Stop saying that all women are whores. Yes, your girlfriend had sex with people before she met you. Some were guys, some might have been girls. Guess who she's fucking now? That's right, YOU! She's not fucking them! Stop being so goddamned concerned with her sexual history. If she blew strangers in the bus station, yeah, that's maybe cause for some concern. But she had sex with three guys before you, all while she was in committed relationships with them? Get over yourself. You've had sex, too. Should your girlfriend be mad at you for it? No, you'd call her a crazy bitch if she DID give you shit for it. So shut your mouth and deal with the fact that your cock isn't the first one she's had.
And just because a girl cheated on you, or two girls cheated on you, doesn't make all girls cheating whores. Stop with the sweeping, blanket generalizations just because a couple of girls hurt you. It happens. Don't hold the entire gender accountable for your few bad experiences. There are lots of women in the world, and none of them will want to touch you if you hate them solely because one girl one time treated you badly. Don't be such a stupid son of a bitch; drop the retarded misogyny and get on with your life.
Girls! Stop with the drama already. Drama isn't cool, it's not fun, and you shouldn't live for it. Maybe it was cute in high school, playing with all the guys and making them want you, just teasing them along but never delivering anything, but you're not in high school anymore, so guess what? It's fucking stupid. It's dumb, and you look like an asshole for doing it. So cut it out! Teasing and head games are stupid. So is attention whoring. We know you love attention. We all love attention. But playing games with people to get it is a shitty thing to do, and when you do it, you're feeding guys' misogynistic hatred. You're making things shitty for the girls who AREN'T total twatbaskets. Stop it.
You want your ex to get over you? Stop fucking him. Fucking a guy sends a signal that says "I want you." Turning around the next day and saying "I don't want you" is called "sending mixed signals," and it's something that douchebags do. Yeah, I know, you can't make up your mind. That's what you say, anyway. What you mean is that you don't WANT to make up your mind. You want to have it all! Well, you can't have it all, so make a fucking decision and get on with your life already. You're pissing everyone off and just making things worse for yourself.
Guys, you want some pussy? Drop the self-pity, stop thinking you're the ugliest guy on the planet, and go find some. You're not going to get any pity pussy, and you're not going to find it by pining over your ex. Girls, you want a guy who won't treat you like shit? Drop the teasing and the attention whoring and the head games. Stop flirting with your boyfriend's best friend, don't kiss some guy at a party and then expect your boyfriend to be okay with it. If you'll cut out all that stupid drama bullshit, you'll find a guy who's worth something.
But hey, whatever you want, whatever you do, can you all just stop with the self-defeating bullshit? It's getting old, and we're all tired of it. Thanks.