Where Has my Passion for Life Gone?
When I wrote my college admissions essays a year ago I wrote about the huge heart I had for learning and striving to go into medicine to help others. I see passion for learning in my friends. Ben and Frankie love to learn and pursue higher education. Tash is going to go to Tanzania. Monica is working at the lab. Lately my focus hasn't been anything to do with my career really. Yes, you can argue that a career is not everything but it certainly is a big part. Parents really do worry whether or not you can make a name of yourself. I know I can. I've known for a long time and I've prepared and prepared and I am not very happy with it all. What is it that I am looking for? Right now I want Frankie to wrap me in his arms and squeeze. I don't want to blame this on my parents seemingly never good enough attitude. I never really looked for their approval but I most definitely did of other parents. I remember when I was in elementary I thought that Alex's mom didn't like me and that really upset me. I am still getting over disappointing big mamma bear. Oh nevermind that.
Anyways. I was looking at my old college broshures and everything. I was thinking about all those young hopeful college faces I see. What is the difference b/ the ones going to Stanford and Harvard and the ones going to UCLA and UCSD...and even CSULB and your local JC. What is the difference?
Cuz I know the people who go to the city college and they party really hard. They are so happy. They are so fun. I was about to say so interesting and yes, they are. I know one who went through an abortion and quit hardcore drugs the same year. These friends can also tell the funniest, most entertaining stories that rival a confrontation paralleling one of West Side Story (but w/o the dancing). But when I was going to say interesting I also think that highly studious people are interesting too. Maybe even more interesting cuz they know much about what they are talking about.
I guess what I'm getting at is whether I want to be one of those college students that is way way into what they are learning. Like I feel sometimes that if I'm not publishing research or discovering new medical breakthroughs that I'm not anything...how distorted. :-( Sad face indeed. How horrible. I think that if I'm not doing utterly tip-top shit that I'm nothing. I guess that's why I feel bad right now. Ugh. Well I also feel this way because, look! there's so soooo many students out there. And look! they are kinda like me and they're kinda smart like me and they all wanna be doctors. You want me to compete w/ all of them?
So this is where I want to escape and give up. I guess this is when I say, nono, this race is not for me. I find myself desperately searching for a way out, a place where I can think outside of the box and find a better life. It's either that or just blame this capitalistic society on forcing us to compete and make each other's lives very stressful. Stress we don't need.
Yes, I think about the sweatshop workers that make the nice clothes I wear. What about them? Can we really make life better in the world w/o making everybody else sacrifice a little bit? Yes, that's a Socialist idea. But really, when will Capitalism help end the poverty? Aren't we too busy trying to amass so much money for ourselves that until we are satisfied w/ some sort of ideal "wealth" that we might stop and thinking about the little guy we are screwing over?
This whole entry really shows how much of a "whole view" type of person I am. If I can't solve the well being of the poorest worker than my own well being is in question. If I can't see what the point of my whole life is then college is in question. Oh goodness, Melody, what's gotten into you?
Anyways. I was looking at my old college broshures and everything. I was thinking about all those young hopeful college faces I see. What is the difference b/ the ones going to Stanford and Harvard and the ones going to UCLA and UCSD...and even CSULB and your local JC. What is the difference?
Cuz I know the people who go to the city college and they party really hard. They are so happy. They are so fun. I was about to say so interesting and yes, they are. I know one who went through an abortion and quit hardcore drugs the same year. These friends can also tell the funniest, most entertaining stories that rival a confrontation paralleling one of West Side Story (but w/o the dancing). But when I was going to say interesting I also think that highly studious people are interesting too. Maybe even more interesting cuz they know much about what they are talking about.
I guess what I'm getting at is whether I want to be one of those college students that is way way into what they are learning. Like I feel sometimes that if I'm not publishing research or discovering new medical breakthroughs that I'm not anything...how distorted. :-( Sad face indeed. How horrible. I think that if I'm not doing utterly tip-top shit that I'm nothing. I guess that's why I feel bad right now. Ugh. Well I also feel this way because, look! there's so soooo many students out there. And look! they are kinda like me and they're kinda smart like me and they all wanna be doctors. You want me to compete w/ all of them?
So this is where I want to escape and give up. I guess this is when I say, nono, this race is not for me. I find myself desperately searching for a way out, a place where I can think outside of the box and find a better life. It's either that or just blame this capitalistic society on forcing us to compete and make each other's lives very stressful. Stress we don't need.
Yes, I think about the sweatshop workers that make the nice clothes I wear. What about them? Can we really make life better in the world w/o making everybody else sacrifice a little bit? Yes, that's a Socialist idea. But really, when will Capitalism help end the poverty? Aren't we too busy trying to amass so much money for ourselves that until we are satisfied w/ some sort of ideal "wealth" that we might stop and thinking about the little guy we are screwing over?
This whole entry really shows how much of a "whole view" type of person I am. If I can't solve the well being of the poorest worker than my own well being is in question. If I can't see what the point of my whole life is then college is in question. Oh goodness, Melody, what's gotten into you?