surrender
sigh
so for the past few weeks, i have felt like i cant get close to God anymore, or that i dont love him like i should, or want to. i dont like it. i've been praying about it for a long time. i want to love him more. i want to get close to him again.
last week we had one of my pastors come speak to my school randomly. shes like our.. worship pastor or something.. anyway, shes really cool, and i dont really remember what exactly she said except that after she talked i realized that lately i've been more in love with david than i have been with God. how is that possible? i have no idea. i dont know how i could have let that happen.. but either way, i prayed a lot about it. i asked God to show me how to love him more than david.. and thats exactly what he did.
i prayed about it that night, and then again in the morning, and then again right before chapel. i asked him to reveal it to me that day.. and he did. we had a bunch of people speak that day, and when the last person went up to speak God really spoke to me. she was talking about surrender, and how she couldnt get close to God and stuff, and i thought wow..thats how i feel. then she said something about how she broke up w/ her boyfriend and a lot of other stuff happened and she was able to get close to him again. so then i knew God was trying to tell me something, but i didnt want to hear it.. i was like noo.. i dont need to break up with david.. her and cj had a lot of problems..there was a lot more going on, david and i are fine... but i really really felt the presence of the holy spirit trying to move inside me, and i heard God speak to me and tell me that i had to choose between him or david. i was pretty upset. i really love david, and i didnt think i could ever do that...so i ignored it.
on sunday morning i prayed about it again, and again, God spoke to me. i dont even remember what the service was really about, i knew it applied to everything going on with me, and i didnt want to hear it at all. even the devotion i did that morning was about it. i was so mad. i was like why do you want to take away the best thing that ever happened to me?... and then i realized that he was never mine in the first place, and that God has every right to take him away from me, and every right to want every bit of my attention.
so i did it. tonight. i broke up with david. actually.. we're kinda on a break, at least until i know for sure that i'm ready to be in a relationship w/ him again, or until i know for sure that God doesnt want me to be with him anymore. it was the hardest thing i've ever had to do. i love him so much... but i couldnt let my situation.. my emotions, get in the way of my relationship with God. i couldnt let myself love someone more than Him, or turn my back on him.. and the whole reason that i'm alive.
he took it fairly well. i could tell he was upset, but he definately understood, and told me that he would never want to get in the way of my relationship with God, and that he wont love me any less... and i pretty much cried harder than ive cried in a long time... probably since i found out that the lady i babysat for killed her kids... but i might have even cried harder than that. i might have cried harder than i've ever cried before.
please pray for me. pray that i will be able to get close to God again. pray that i will love him like i loved him before, and even more. pray that he'll show me where to go and what to do. pray that i will be strong.
so for the past few weeks, i have felt like i cant get close to God anymore, or that i dont love him like i should, or want to. i dont like it. i've been praying about it for a long time. i want to love him more. i want to get close to him again.
last week we had one of my pastors come speak to my school randomly. shes like our.. worship pastor or something.. anyway, shes really cool, and i dont really remember what exactly she said except that after she talked i realized that lately i've been more in love with david than i have been with God. how is that possible? i have no idea. i dont know how i could have let that happen.. but either way, i prayed a lot about it. i asked God to show me how to love him more than david.. and thats exactly what he did.
i prayed about it that night, and then again in the morning, and then again right before chapel. i asked him to reveal it to me that day.. and he did. we had a bunch of people speak that day, and when the last person went up to speak God really spoke to me. she was talking about surrender, and how she couldnt get close to God and stuff, and i thought wow..thats how i feel. then she said something about how she broke up w/ her boyfriend and a lot of other stuff happened and she was able to get close to him again. so then i knew God was trying to tell me something, but i didnt want to hear it.. i was like noo.. i dont need to break up with david.. her and cj had a lot of problems..there was a lot more going on, david and i are fine... but i really really felt the presence of the holy spirit trying to move inside me, and i heard God speak to me and tell me that i had to choose between him or david. i was pretty upset. i really love david, and i didnt think i could ever do that...so i ignored it.
on sunday morning i prayed about it again, and again, God spoke to me. i dont even remember what the service was really about, i knew it applied to everything going on with me, and i didnt want to hear it at all. even the devotion i did that morning was about it. i was so mad. i was like why do you want to take away the best thing that ever happened to me?... and then i realized that he was never mine in the first place, and that God has every right to take him away from me, and every right to want every bit of my attention.
so i did it. tonight. i broke up with david. actually.. we're kinda on a break, at least until i know for sure that i'm ready to be in a relationship w/ him again, or until i know for sure that God doesnt want me to be with him anymore. it was the hardest thing i've ever had to do. i love him so much... but i couldnt let my situation.. my emotions, get in the way of my relationship with God. i couldnt let myself love someone more than Him, or turn my back on him.. and the whole reason that i'm alive.
he took it fairly well. i could tell he was upset, but he definately understood, and told me that he would never want to get in the way of my relationship with God, and that he wont love me any less... and i pretty much cried harder than ive cried in a long time... probably since i found out that the lady i babysat for killed her kids... but i might have even cried harder than that. i might have cried harder than i've ever cried before.
please pray for me. pray that i will be able to get close to God again. pray that i will love him like i loved him before, and even more. pray that he'll show me where to go and what to do. pray that i will be strong.