(no subject)
I set out to be something to complex for myself. And I have seem to be living in a fantasy I would never get to experience in the harsh reality of time. I have done something so disappointing and disgusting, I fear to even type the words, for seeing it starring back at me only aggrevates the guilt. I am disturbed and greatly appauld by my actions. No person would stand by me for my mistake, nor would anyone expect such low actions from me. I apologize in advance for letting everyone down. Apparently the image I painted of myself in all your heads was a false one and my true colors have finally bled through. I would have never of thought in a lifetime I would have been so stupid to stumble upon a typical girls's weaknesses. But human I am, but smart and wise I am not. I thought my morals and values were steady and untouchable. But I seem to show and display more flaws on my inner being than most seem to notice. I am not as strong as you all make me to be. And for this I am terribly sorry. I am so sorry for all that I have hurt and let down. I am sorry to my family for letting you down. I am sorry to my friends, for letting you down. And most of all I am sorry to myself for not living up to the standard of a girl you expected for me to be. I am pathetic and nothingless and I wouldnt be surprised if I wasnt forgiven.
I could have stopped it, but it seemed it was a battle. My hormones vs. my upbringing. And I lost it. I grew numb and could not lift my own temptation from me. I tried to say the words no, but my tongue was silent. I was powerless. And so stupid. I gave myself and my body. My temple and my spirit to a person who not only didn't deserve it, but that my heart held no feelings are structure for. Now look at me. I am falling a part at the seems. My heart has finally shut down. I cannot eat...nor sleep...nor think. I can't even function. I had to take some days off from school, cuz I am not in a mental state to perform my scheduled tasks. I feel so filthy...so whored out....so disgusting. I can't even stomach my own image in the mirror anymore. What I see starring back at me is no one now. I see a pathetic little girl who gave into fleshy temptation. And here I thought I raised myself better than that. Here I spoke to everyone like I was something great and special. Something so rare and unique. And now look at what I did. I gave doubt to all those that thought that there was such thing as a good person!! I am so sorry. I am so so sorry!!
just keep me in your prayers, hope everything is okay. i love you all.
I could have stopped it, but it seemed it was a battle. My hormones vs. my upbringing. And I lost it. I grew numb and could not lift my own temptation from me. I tried to say the words no, but my tongue was silent. I was powerless. And so stupid. I gave myself and my body. My temple and my spirit to a person who not only didn't deserve it, but that my heart held no feelings are structure for. Now look at me. I am falling a part at the seems. My heart has finally shut down. I cannot eat...nor sleep...nor think. I can't even function. I had to take some days off from school, cuz I am not in a mental state to perform my scheduled tasks. I feel so filthy...so whored out....so disgusting. I can't even stomach my own image in the mirror anymore. What I see starring back at me is no one now. I see a pathetic little girl who gave into fleshy temptation. And here I thought I raised myself better than that. Here I spoke to everyone like I was something great and special. Something so rare and unique. And now look at what I did. I gave doubt to all those that thought that there was such thing as a good person!! I am so sorry. I am so so sorry!!
just keep me in your prayers, hope everything is okay. i love you all.