tell me, how does this feel..
I am missing Warped Tour. Andrew just called and let me hear Yellowcard perform "Ocean Avenue" and I wish I was there.
I was told that I have "whore tendencies." This really troubles me because it is yet another strong example of how people don't fucking understand me or my actions. If they would actually open their eyes (and minds) they would realize that I had a lot of emotional problems after my horrible break-up, and it caused me to have a clouded perception of who cared about me and who just wanted to fuck me. I couldn't tell the difference (I still can't). But this does not make me a whore. I view sex as a way to connect with someone on an intimate level (obviously), I have a need for human contact. Doesn't everyone? But I've gotten smarter and much more self-aware. I don't want to be close in that way to anyone anymore. I don't trust anyone. I never should have. I don't want to be used anymore, I can't handle it. This goes back to my boyfriend issue, and this explains why I want one right now so badly. I just want to be close to someone again, not in a sexual way. And I was using sex as a way to feel close to someone but it's only a temporary feeling, as you both lay back on the bed, sweating and breathing heavy, taking a second to collect yourself as the connection you felt moments before quickly dissipates. I don't want to feel like that anymore, it's too empty.
I'm already questioning my future career and I haven't even begun classes yet. (how can I save people's lives when I can't save myself?) Plus, there is SO MUCH more I am interested in doing, it's just that this choice is the most solid and guaranteed. Writing would make me happy, I've always been writing, photography is a new interest.. I want to do everything, and at the same time I feel like I can't do anything.
I know who I am. I am not what people think of me.. and I don't have the energy to care or try to show them differently anymore. I'll just let them keep on believing.
I was told that I have "whore tendencies." This really troubles me because it is yet another strong example of how people don't fucking understand me or my actions. If they would actually open their eyes (and minds) they would realize that I had a lot of emotional problems after my horrible break-up, and it caused me to have a clouded perception of who cared about me and who just wanted to fuck me. I couldn't tell the difference (I still can't). But this does not make me a whore. I view sex as a way to connect with someone on an intimate level (obviously), I have a need for human contact. Doesn't everyone? But I've gotten smarter and much more self-aware. I don't want to be close in that way to anyone anymore. I don't trust anyone. I never should have. I don't want to be used anymore, I can't handle it. This goes back to my boyfriend issue, and this explains why I want one right now so badly. I just want to be close to someone again, not in a sexual way. And I was using sex as a way to feel close to someone but it's only a temporary feeling, as you both lay back on the bed, sweating and breathing heavy, taking a second to collect yourself as the connection you felt moments before quickly dissipates. I don't want to feel like that anymore, it's too empty.
I'm already questioning my future career and I haven't even begun classes yet. (how can I save people's lives when I can't save myself?) Plus, there is SO MUCH more I am interested in doing, it's just that this choice is the most solid and guaranteed. Writing would make me happy, I've always been writing, photography is a new interest.. I want to do everything, and at the same time I feel like I can't do anything.
I know who I am. I am not what people think of me.. and I don't have the energy to care or try to show them differently anymore. I'll just let them keep on believing.