(no subject)
If I only knew what was on your mind,
Maybe then I wouldn’t second guess myself.
If I only knew how you felt about me,
Maybe then I could move on or move forward.
If only you would stop playing with my emotions,
Maybe then I could stop thinking about you.
That quote right there pretty much summarizes what I have been dealing with for the past 7 months, the last time that I updated. It has just been going around in circles and I’ve been sucked in, pushed away, torn, confused, happy, sad, whatever. It’s been hard but I can’t help it. Over the past 7 months I have learned something. And that is, is that the old saying goes, “You can’t control you’re heart” or whatever it is. It’s true. No matter what you do or what you try… it doesn’t work because the second that person comes back or says one word or you see him for 2 seconds, you’re right where you started even after everything that has happened or all the shit he’s put you through. It’s bad hard, but don’t get me wrong, we’ve had our good times. And I love them…
Through this whole thing, and not being able to control emotions or anything, I am a little disappointed with myself. I was infact pushed to my limit back in july. And I told you exactly how I felt and what was going on. I gave him the option of what he wanted to do, but I said it had to be one or the other, nothing inbetween cause that was what was hurting me. We went for a couple of weeks of not talking, I never received an answer but I took your silence as the choice I was hoping it wouldn’t be. so during that time I told myself it was completely over and I wasn’t going to let anything change my mind. I tried to make myself believe that I was through with it all, but deep down I knew that wasn’t going to happen because I fell hard, real hard. Harder than I’ve ever fallen. But on my birthday you finally said something to me and there we go again, back to waiting, and wishing, and hoping and getting my hopes up. And here we are, the beginning of September and 7 months later, still dealing with all of the same stuff. Still not being able to control how I feel… never will I be able to control that. and it sucks. Because I’m stuck on him…
Another thing that I learned, mostly over the summer. Is you cant really trust anyone. And I swear this should be a known fact… EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE BEHIND EACHOTHERS BACK. So therefore, I hate when girls start this whole big ordeal when they hear when fricken sally said something about bonnie, when bonnie was talking shit about sally 2 days ago… people don’t realize that and it bothers me…
Ok.. so I think that’s enough ranting for right now. School starts tomorrow. I’m actually not too upset its starting. Once soccer starts, you just kind of are waiting for school to start, so whatever. We’re juniors… most important year… what funnnnn.
I’ll update again… probably soon. Comment if you read this so I know I just wasn’t talking to myself…