Imagine (Effy/Freddy)
A/N: I HATED what episode 7 did to Freddie. So this is my happy(er) ending.
Disclaimer: I own everything. Including the moon.
Summary: Effy is completely, inescapably mad. But maybe its her insanity that will save them.
Feedback: First attempt at a Skins Fic... so be gentle.
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Imagine
me and you, I do
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What are you thinking about?
My brother
What about him?
Nothing.
Something happened to him... didn't it.
Many things happened.
Tell me about the accident Elizabeth.
There's a bus coming... Tony doesn't see it. He's distracted. It hits him, runs him over. He's in the gutter. He's bleeding. He looks dead.
Open your eyes. Well Elizabeth how do you feel?
Awful.
I want to try something. Close your eyes again and imagine that bus never hit Tony. Can you do that for me?
But it did hit him.
Its just an exercise. Try to imagine it never happened.
Ok.
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The voices dance, laughing through my head. Never faces, only shapes and shadows, wispy figments that slip through my fingers. They talk all at once and my head hurts with the force of it, the madness of it.
They torment me. They torture me.
My eyes are wet and I swallow the pills with the taste of salty tears in my mouth. Two blue one white.
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What's his name... your boyfriend?
Freddie.
You love him?
Yes.
But he doesn't love you.
No... he does!
He doesn't. If he loved you he would visit you.
But... you said that I couldn't see him. You said that it would hurt my progress.
Yes. But if he loved you he would ignore all that and come anyway. He would fight for you Elizabeth. He wouldn't give up on you. Would he?
No... I don't know... I'm confused.
Close your eyes Elizabeth. What do you see.
Freddie. He's... he's angry at me.
Why is he angry?
Because I told him I didn't want him. I told him to go away like you said.
What is happening now?
He's turned away. He's leaving me. He's leaving me all alone. I don't want him to go!
But he did. He has Elizabeth. Now I want you to imagine yourself alone, without him.
But...but... No!... I need him.
You don't need him.
I need him. I can't do this alone. I need him!
You don't need him. You have me. Open your eyes Elizabeth. Look at me. I am here. I wont give up on you. I won't leave you. I will fight for you. Now say that. Say you don't need him.
I... I don't need him.
Good. Say it again.
I don't need him. I don't need Freddie.
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My room is the same. The same walls and ceiling and bed. The same but also different.
I write on my chart, fill the days up with pills and sleep and him. I know that I don't need him. I know that now. John has helped me see that. But still.
I tell myself that it is just for one day. What's the harm in one day? I take my med's, two blue one white, and wait for tuesday.
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I saw him yesterday.
Who?
Freddie. I saw Freddie.
Was he angry, like before?
No. Maybe. He was frustrated.
Frustrated?
He couldn't understand why I had to let him go.
What did you tell him?
That you take my bad memories and make them good.
What did he say to that?
He asked if some of those memories were about him.
What did you say?
I told him some were, only a few.
What then?
He asked me if the memories I don't like, if I felt them anymore. I said you took the memories away. There gone.
Good Elizabeth. Good.
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Things haven't changed it seems. I went away and everything kept on going. Nothing stopped. No one waited for me.
Why did I think they would? Why did I think I mattered so much?
John says that I matter but I think he might be wrong because here at school nobody looks at me. If they do its with a sick kind of fascination. I'm the girl who went bonkers and tried to off herself. They look and I feel like a bug pinned under a microscope.
Even fake A's doesn't make it better. I don't belong here. Not anymore.
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Achievement, success, academic or otherwise, earned or not, is nothing compared to being well and happy.
Yeah but...
Happiness. Correct?
Yes. Your right. Your right.
There are bigger things happening here. Bigger than school. Bigger than friends. Even bigger than love. Ok?
Ok.
Those are the things holding you back. You need to let them go. You won't recover till you do.
Is there no other way?
You already know the answer to that Elizabeth. You know what you have to do. Don't you?
Yes.
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Their faces are confused and wary. I say my goodbye and will them to understand it, what it really means. I don't want this. I'm sorry. I never thought... I never wanted this. But they look at me still, like they expect this to be a big joke any second. The silly mad girl is just making a prank and it will all go away.
Freddie. Oh gods Freddie.
Please understand. I have to. John says... if I do then everything will be better.
Please Freddie.
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Now, describe the room to me.
It's dark. I can't see. The curtains are closed. There's a man sitting on a chair. He's facing away from me. So full of hate. So full of death.
What if he leaves? What if he's not there? What if he was never there. Open the curtains and let the sun shine in. It's warm. This is a place without fear or danger. This is a safe place, peaceful, away from everyone and everything. Its here and you are wonderful.
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The man comes to me in my dreams. The man made out of darkness and hate, out of death. I sit across from him. Both in chairs. He opens his mouth, a gaping hollow hole that grows and grows.
I want to run. I trie to get up, to leave. But he holds me down into the chair. His arms are made of smoke and lies. I am trapped, away from everyone and everything.
His face.. his face belongs to... no. No that is impossible.
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He came to my house.
Who? Freddie.
Yes. He told me he loves me. Tried to kiss me.
What did you do?
I told him what you said. That I went mad when I was with him. I can't let that happen again. He said you stole my soul as well as my past. He said I'm making him mad. He said that that's what love's supposed do. Do you think he's right? Do you think I'm making him mad like me? Should I...
No Elizabeth. He's wrong and he shouldn't meddle where he's not wanted. Don't think of him again. I'll take care of him so that you don't have to.
Thanks John. It's just so painful when I look at him... I wish...
Don't do that Elizabeth. Tell me what else happened. What did you do next?
I closed my eyes and imagined him away.
That's my girl.
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He says his name is Cook and mine is Effy. He's wrong. He's all wrong.
Why can't he see that he is wrong? My name is Elizabeth not Effy. Elizabeth.
Tells me he's fucked me. Tells me I was his girlfriend. Tells me I broke Freddie's heart. Tore it out and ripped it to shreds. Chewed it up and spit it out. Tells me we're Cook and Effy.
He's wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
I've been here before. Something bad... screaming... someone is hurt. No... it never happened. Never happened.
I'm not scared. The cars whiz by and laugh at me but I'm not scared. I'm not scared...notscarednotscarednotscared. I want to be scared.
I want to remember.
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Effy?
Freddie? I'm back where I was.
Back in hospital?
No, in here. Back in my head. I can hear the voices again.
Hey... I'm here.
I didn't mean what I said to you. I'm so stupid.
It's alright. We're together. We will be together.
Then him. How are we doing?
No I don't want him anymore.
And Freddie. Your John Foster.
And you must be Freddie.
You need to leave.
She's my patient.
Not anymore. She wants someone else. Your done with her. Fuck off.
And me. You deserve better.
Shhhh. Just go to sleep alright.
I love you. I love you, I love you iloveyouloveyouloveyou...
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The pills promise a dreamless sleep but Freddie comes anyways. He stands with his back to me and I feel tears tighten my throat. I reach out to touch him but he turns toward me before I can.
I recoil at the sight of him.
His head lolls to the side on a broken twisted neck. His clothing is wet and dark with sticky red. His eyes, bloodshot and empty stare into mine. What have you done Effy? He asks me. He's hurting me. He won't stop. What have you done to me?
I wake to to the sound of my own screams.
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Effy calm down, CALM DOWN!
Mum? Mum! Where's Freddie? Where is he! Oh god FREDDIE.
Stop it darling. Please. Stop... your going to hurt yourself.
We have to stop him mum. He's hurting Freddie. We have to stop him.
Who?
John. John Foster. PLEASE! HE'S GOING TO KILL HIM!
What are you talking about Effy?
I saw it. I saw him hurting Freddie. I heard him screaming. Don't look at me like that? I'm not mad. I'm not making this up. Please!
Ok. Ok I'll get someone. Stay here.
NO! No... I'm coming with you. Hurry! we have to hurry.
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He's still. Not moving at all. There's blood. So much blood. But his neck is straight and his chest rises slowly. I breathe with him and pray. Not to god. I pray to him... to Freddie.
I pray as we ride in the ambulance. I pray as they take him away from me into surgery. Six broken ribs and a punctured lung. I pray over his still pale face in the bed after.
My prayer is the same each time. A repeat promise. I'll never leave you again. Never again. I'll face the voices. I'll learn to live with them. Just don't leave me. I'll never leave you again...
Please.
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Effy?
Freddy your awake.!
Effy what are you doing? Open your eyes. Look at me.
I can't freddie.
Why not?
I'm afraid I've imagined you. I'm afraid you'll disappear.
I'm not going anywhere. Open your eyes.
Ok. But I....no I can't. I can't lose you again.
Open your eyes Effy. I promise I'll stay right here.
Ok...just... don't disapear... don'tdisapeardon'tdisapeardon'tdisapear...Freddy I don't think I can!
Feel that Eff? Feel my hand? Could I do that if I was your imagination? I'm real Effy. I'm real. Open your eyes.
...Freddie!!! I thought I lost you! I thought...
Its alright Eff. Its all over. He's gone. We're safe now.
I'll never leave you again Freddy! I'll never leave you!
I know.
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Freddie is warm. Like a sunrise that drives away the cold of night. Heat sinks through the skin of me, through my veins and muscles and bones to the core of me. Melts away the darkness that lives there.
He whispers to me, lips brushing against me, I love you. The words sink in, straight through me to uncurl slowly.
His hands touch me, gentle brushes of fingers and thumbs. I kiss those hands, those beautiful... beautiful hands. Then I kiss his eyes and his lips and then I am saying aloud what I am thinking. Answering.
I love you.
Effy. Elizabeth. We are, all of us, home.
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fin
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