You can call it, a summer awakening
Maybe it's due to the first day of summer that I feel like a fire has been lit under my ass to get the ball rolling on certain aspects of my life, but I still feel ripped apart on the inside. Maybe it's confusion, that whole 'say one thing, do another'. But for the life of me, I can't comprehend the actions of the people around me.
Criticism. For starters, I will always be my own worst critic. The last thing I need more of, is judgment. I am hard enough on myself, even on my best days. I make my decisions for me, and the last thing I need, is someone that is supposed to care about me throwing their opinions in my face. I made the decisions I did, for my future, a long time ago. You don't live within this skin, don't you dare try to pretend you understand what it's like to be me. I have my own ways of dealing with my demons, I really don't need ANYONE trying to put them in place.
Liars. What is with me and being a magnet for people that can lie through their teeth? Here is your summer project, try on the truth for size. Walk a few weeks in the shoes of a person who doesn't use, lie, cheat, manipulate, and tell me what it feels like. Tell me how it feels to have the people you care about, who you would give the world to, lie pretty much about everything you thought you knew about them. And for what? What did you really gain from it? I don't want to hear your bullshit about how I misunderstood, or about how people are crazy, about how people are jealous, admit the fact that you are a selfish fucking LIAR. The moral of this paragraph is, you NEVER deserved to have someone like me in your life. You should feel incredibly fucking blessed that you got the chance to know a person as pure hearted as I am. Because from here on out, you are no longer a piece of my puzzle.
Love. I feel like over the last few years I have given my love to so many of the wrong people, and right now, living within this moment, I finally feel truly content w the minimal few that I share it with. I feel completely overwhelmed with the feeling I have each day when I hear his voice. I feel like I am finally doing something right. For all the hardships I have faced over the last five years, I am finally being given a chance to experience something true. Truth is few and far between these days, and while yes, everyone has their set backs, I feel sometimes, truth can out weigh everything else. Because what really is life, if it is all lies?
You know, the same lies where you tell me you love me. You love me, yet you continually lie to me. You make me look like the bad guy. I will not be the bad guy at your expense. I will not be made a fool of. I'm not the bad guy for not being able to hold on by a thread to a complete and total lie. My airfare to start over would be completely paid for if I hadn't thrown away months of my life on you. And that, that's the icing on the cake of it all. I sacrificed. I invested all I had in you. Money, love, faith…and for what…what do I really have to show for it? One fucking picture. I put in all the effort, but that's really no surprise. That's the story of my life really, give until there is nothing left.
I feel as if this is the make or break point in my life. It's my last chance at salvation. I, for the first time in my life, am putting everything on the back burner in hopes of my dreams. I feel like I need to get all of this out of my system before I reach that point where I feel the need to 'hang up my skates' and settle down. I want to travel, I want to do all the things I made promises to myself of achieving. I want to make it back to Hawaii. I want to see my family before it's been twenty years. I want to go on tour and lose all sense of responsibility just to say, I did it. I let myself live my dream, check that off the list. I want to put everything I have inside me into getting published. I want to fall hopelessly in love with the nice guy, for once in my freakin life. I can't stop chasing the thoughts around in circles in my head, because what happens when we stop chasing?
Where does life go when there is nothing to be achieved? There is so much at my fingertips right now. I feel as if I've reached the point in my life where I have the most drive to do this. Screw life, screw responsibility. I grew up at 13, I raised a family so my parents could go their separate ways. When is it really ever going to be my turn to have a dream? I don't care how laughable it is to want this. I don't care how childish my dreams may seem to my parents. I have talent and I feel as if this is written in stone for me. I'm going to chase until I achieve it all.
Criticism. For starters, I will always be my own worst critic. The last thing I need more of, is judgment. I am hard enough on myself, even on my best days. I make my decisions for me, and the last thing I need, is someone that is supposed to care about me throwing their opinions in my face. I made the decisions I did, for my future, a long time ago. You don't live within this skin, don't you dare try to pretend you understand what it's like to be me. I have my own ways of dealing with my demons, I really don't need ANYONE trying to put them in place.
Liars. What is with me and being a magnet for people that can lie through their teeth? Here is your summer project, try on the truth for size. Walk a few weeks in the shoes of a person who doesn't use, lie, cheat, manipulate, and tell me what it feels like. Tell me how it feels to have the people you care about, who you would give the world to, lie pretty much about everything you thought you knew about them. And for what? What did you really gain from it? I don't want to hear your bullshit about how I misunderstood, or about how people are crazy, about how people are jealous, admit the fact that you are a selfish fucking LIAR. The moral of this paragraph is, you NEVER deserved to have someone like me in your life. You should feel incredibly fucking blessed that you got the chance to know a person as pure hearted as I am. Because from here on out, you are no longer a piece of my puzzle.
Love. I feel like over the last few years I have given my love to so many of the wrong people, and right now, living within this moment, I finally feel truly content w the minimal few that I share it with. I feel completely overwhelmed with the feeling I have each day when I hear his voice. I feel like I am finally doing something right. For all the hardships I have faced over the last five years, I am finally being given a chance to experience something true. Truth is few and far between these days, and while yes, everyone has their set backs, I feel sometimes, truth can out weigh everything else. Because what really is life, if it is all lies?
You know, the same lies where you tell me you love me. You love me, yet you continually lie to me. You make me look like the bad guy. I will not be the bad guy at your expense. I will not be made a fool of. I'm not the bad guy for not being able to hold on by a thread to a complete and total lie. My airfare to start over would be completely paid for if I hadn't thrown away months of my life on you. And that, that's the icing on the cake of it all. I sacrificed. I invested all I had in you. Money, love, faith…and for what…what do I really have to show for it? One fucking picture. I put in all the effort, but that's really no surprise. That's the story of my life really, give until there is nothing left.
I feel as if this is the make or break point in my life. It's my last chance at salvation. I, for the first time in my life, am putting everything on the back burner in hopes of my dreams. I feel like I need to get all of this out of my system before I reach that point where I feel the need to 'hang up my skates' and settle down. I want to travel, I want to do all the things I made promises to myself of achieving. I want to make it back to Hawaii. I want to see my family before it's been twenty years. I want to go on tour and lose all sense of responsibility just to say, I did it. I let myself live my dream, check that off the list. I want to put everything I have inside me into getting published. I want to fall hopelessly in love with the nice guy, for once in my freakin life. I can't stop chasing the thoughts around in circles in my head, because what happens when we stop chasing?
Where does life go when there is nothing to be achieved? There is so much at my fingertips right now. I feel as if I've reached the point in my life where I have the most drive to do this. Screw life, screw responsibility. I grew up at 13, I raised a family so my parents could go their separate ways. When is it really ever going to be my turn to have a dream? I don't care how laughable it is to want this. I don't care how childish my dreams may seem to my parents. I have talent and I feel as if this is written in stone for me. I'm going to chase until I achieve it all.
