I've lost 6 pounds since moving home....watch out.
I'm so excited. My appointment with the endocrinologist is this month! July 29th. I've already psyched myself up for work outs, dieting, and all that stuff. They should be giving me some medicine that makes me lose weight and of course I'm going to be working myself to death. Knowing results will be achieved.....is all I need. I've set a goal of 20 pounds by the end of the year. It was 15 pounds but, what the hell. I've already ordered a lil' workout thing-a-ma-jigger that I can use while watching tv. It's more of like a toner thing I can use for my arms and legs. This depression is fucking killing me. Shopping is like, non existant. All I do is leave with nothing but tears and bitterness. All the clothes I once wore....nope. I can't find anything in my current size. If only everyone knew what I felt. Weight is like....everything to me. More than the average person. It feels like everyone is looking at me and talking about how fat I am. Especially, people I haven't seen in awhile. It's like I can hear them say 'look how fat she got!'. Like guys just scoff and think..'what a fat cow'. Seeing a skinny girl makes me wanna knock her down and make her feel what I feel. It just isn't fair. Ugh, I've already told Latoya, Frederick, and Cindy, and Ted that I will be joining the gym with them during lunch. Taking like, a pilates class during lunch would prolly be relaxing. Not that my job is stressful:) I can't wait to fit in clothes that I love. For shopping to actually mean something other than an unwanted reality check and a 3 day crying fit. To be cute like I used to. Self confidence would be a nice thing to have. I could wear like summer clothes, stray away from the hoodies, but just for a lil bit...cuz I'm true to the hoodie. My official goal is 50 pounds....by next summer. But..if I lose 40 I'll be happy. Fuck, if I lose...10 I'll be happy. I swear if I could fit in those size 11's I wore once upon a time....I'd be very happy. A size 9, I'd be ecstatic...and anything smaller (which I doubt) would be..heaven. If I could lose weight and get more money with my underwriter thing in a couple years...I'd be the happiest girl ever.
"All I wanted was a lil bit of time for me to try to get up, I'm gonna get up"