Aug 11, 2005 10:24
i woke up a little yesterday.
halfway through confirming insurance information of all benefited employees, i snapped.
my throat closing around and choking on "and your marital status remains the same, right".
in that stunted moment i suffered, momentarily, from an attack of 'knowing'.
i knew, in a sudden swell of self awareness, that out of all the places i could be in life, out of all the oppurtunities there were, out of the myriad of paths my life could've taken, i'd managed, through some cosmic comedy of errors, to stumble/bumble/trip my way into the one life that (beware of falling understatements) least suits me.
in everyway.
all of them.
i keep insisting that i'm not built for this shit (just because you do something well doesn't mean you're meant to do that something), but really, no part of me in any real way was made for this life;
the duplicity.
the hypocisy.
the mindless, stupid, pointless, brain-raping, work, unnecessary busy work.
the poor management on all available levels.
the gross failure to understand the difference between being busy or actually getting shit done.
the painful inability to take responsibility while (get this) complaining that people aren't taking responsibility.
excessive inefficiency and juvenile misuse of time.
and all that's ignoring the fact that 9 to 5 gives me a sallow pallor.
so, all of this weighed in at the same instant yesterday.
and i just got so..., overwhelmed....
why do people say overwhelmed instead of what they mean, which is, i was suddenly taken by some emoti-cocktail of anger, fear, and sadness that made me wholly uncomfortable and want to cry.
oh, right cause big boys and girls don't cry.
well, fuck you...so, all of this weighed in at the same instant and i was suddenly taken by some emoti-cocktail of anger, fear, and sadness that made me wholly uncomfortable and want to cry. like this wave of sudden abject misery washed over me, took my breath away and left water in my eyes. i've never felt so completely out of my own control.
it only lasted a second.
i smoked a cig.
i'm fine.
back to work.
i must've lost track of my detaching mechanism,
i've got it now, no worries, it won't happen again.
watch as chinua floats away.