oh my goodness
I AM SO CONFUSED. and i hate this.... i hate it so much. it is my fault. i guess? i mean. i took ross as he doesnt like me he doesnt want me. i gave it up. and so once i gave it up it got so compplicated. i felt so happy with matt and even though im in tn i still feel so happy to have him the way i have him. i dont see any flaws in us together. its pretty perfect. i can imagine being happy with him forever. hes that kind of guy and we get along that well. so much incommon it is insane. doesnt mean its ment to be though. its up to God. who does he want me to be with? you know. and with matt i havent thought much about does God aprove of us? does He want me really to be with ross. bc i felt that was the right. and i still think it is right. so many things line up perfect for ross and i its insane to think it couldnt work out. but he just pushed him self so farway i decided it was useless to keep thinking it was going to work. i wanted to be free from ross. i wanted to get away from feeling likeim stuck to him. like i was attached. noo... dont want to feel that way. and you know what? i dont feel like that any more. i guess mostly because i like matt ALOT. matt i do not regret. hes pretty much the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. lol... all that time of just prayer and hoping ross and i get back together and when the opprotunity arises im not so sure about it any more. i love how that worked out. it seems soooooo easy to just forget something in the past. matt... hes happening now. hes real to me. even though it does all feel like a dream. just bc it seemed to perfect. we got so close so fast. close in a comfortable way. (not like that) but i know him so well. and he knows me so well. i dont want to let him go really. i dont want to be selfish though. its not right to put ross and matt through this tension. maybe i should stop liking both. bc its hurting me to think ill eventually will hurt one of them. its not fair to them. its not fair to matt im stuck. matt.....is soo amazing. so perfect. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. i need to tlk to God. i need to pray really hard really long. like, i dont want matt and i to end.. but i dont see us ever being together like, he doesnt have plans for tn and i dont have plans for fl. it seems so right when im with him. Lord can you please tell me. i am seriously getting so depressed over this situation. and the only thing i can think of doing is just waiting it out. not having a commitment. i thought ross was gone forever. why didnt he just stay that way? because now im killing myself.
ross called to ask if he should stay away from me so he wouldnt interfer with matt and i. i said no but not to plan on being with me bc im not doing it. when i think of being without matt, it makes me cry. it makes me so sad it makes me sooo bothered and broken hearted. when i think of losing this chance with ross, i feel like im denying all of my dreams. everything ive been waiting for, i feel like id be making a mistake. im not positive how i feel for him. i miss him ill always love him. but im not in love im also not in love with matt but i do feel stronger for him. WHY DID ROSS CHANGE HIS MIND? where did he come from? is he doing this because hes afriad to lose me for good? all i know is.. i dont want another serious relationship. i cant do another heartbreak even though im feeling it right now. and have been this past 2 weeks. like... they are both gone. because. i screwed up. matt is not a screw up. but i am. i didnt consult God first. before i made these moves. i decided to lose faith. and God would have never wanted that. seems easier to just fall in love with matt. but i dont know. i dont want to be serious with him and then it not working and i lose my chance with the right person. SEE I DONT KNOW. at all. these words are killing matt. they would kill me if he still loved or whatever jackie. and i know what i told ross tonight killed him. i feel like such a player. such a jack ass. and the only thing i can think of to do is to just ask God to just read the bible. just have faith the right thing will happen. matt doesnt talk much about his relationship with God. makes me unsure about where he stands with Him. i know ive been pretty off with God. havent put my 100% into us. and i know its VERY important that who im with is a stronge christian. and ross is. which... is awesome. is matt?
the best thing to do is to leave it alone. stop analyzing it and ask for Gods direction. matt ask for Gods direction too.
seems like if matt and i didnt get the way we are i would have never tlked to ross the way i did. which means he wouldnt feel this way. which means. i wouldnt hurt either of them. becuase...im just stabing them softly now.
ross called to ask if he should stay away from me so he wouldnt interfer with matt and i. i said no but not to plan on being with me bc im not doing it. when i think of being without matt, it makes me cry. it makes me so sad it makes me sooo bothered and broken hearted. when i think of losing this chance with ross, i feel like im denying all of my dreams. everything ive been waiting for, i feel like id be making a mistake. im not positive how i feel for him. i miss him ill always love him. but im not in love im also not in love with matt but i do feel stronger for him. WHY DID ROSS CHANGE HIS MIND? where did he come from? is he doing this because hes afriad to lose me for good? all i know is.. i dont want another serious relationship. i cant do another heartbreak even though im feeling it right now. and have been this past 2 weeks. like... they are both gone. because. i screwed up. matt is not a screw up. but i am. i didnt consult God first. before i made these moves. i decided to lose faith. and God would have never wanted that. seems easier to just fall in love with matt. but i dont know. i dont want to be serious with him and then it not working and i lose my chance with the right person. SEE I DONT KNOW. at all. these words are killing matt. they would kill me if he still loved or whatever jackie. and i know what i told ross tonight killed him. i feel like such a player. such a jack ass. and the only thing i can think of to do is to just ask God to just read the bible. just have faith the right thing will happen. matt doesnt talk much about his relationship with God. makes me unsure about where he stands with Him. i know ive been pretty off with God. havent put my 100% into us. and i know its VERY important that who im with is a stronge christian. and ross is. which... is awesome. is matt?
the best thing to do is to leave it alone. stop analyzing it and ask for Gods direction. matt ask for Gods direction too.
seems like if matt and i didnt get the way we are i would have never tlked to ross the way i did. which means he wouldnt feel this way. which means. i wouldnt hurt either of them. becuase...im just stabing them softly now.