(no subject)
Interesting night last night. C came to see me at work. I'd have kept working till 3am, as is my wont on a Friday, but she called a taxi and we went to her house. We got there, started watching Sky TV in the lounge, and there was much cuddling and kissing.
And then to bed. Where we proceeded to not do anything sexual. It was all cuddles and affection. Her call. We cuddled and kissed a bit, then she went to sleep...and I think I managed to get some sleep too. Not too sure about that though.
Sometime early on, she said something like, "it's so nice having someone to just cuddle..." or something like that...I remember thinking it sounded like a "no nookie" hint, and maybe it was...maybe not...but I took it as such, anyway. And she said she was very tired and stuff, and lacked the energy for rumpy-pumpy...so I just cuddled her to sleep.
All good, really. :)
I've been thinking about the C situation quite a bit in recent weeks. She's an absolutely delightful wee creature, she really is. We've been friends for a little over a year, and our friendship has always had an undisguised sexual element. The possibility of sex has always been there. A few months ago, we chatted online quite a bit, and had some pretty intense cybersex. Cybersex for me has one similarity to real sex, in that it's rare for someone to get me to choose to lower my defenses and actually attempt to do it. Not sure how she managed this, but she did. No problem.
Actual encounters, however, have been rare. We've only been completely naked together once. I've used my tongue to make her come on one occasion, she has yet to make me come. Other times we've met up in public places, and just kissed lots...maybe some verbal teasing, surreptitious stroking of thighs at the table in the corner of the pub, that sort of thing...but we've rarely been able to just get naked and do stuff.
But, she has asked me if she could be my first post-op fuck. I'm starting to think, no. Here are the reasons:
Also, one thing about last night in particular that made me quite glad nothing really happened...my penis is almost healed, no worries there...just, it's still a little rough in parts. There's still one stitch that hasn't come out, and I think it might be a little scratchy (I might be quite wrong about that, too) so, I'm not sure I should be putting it near a highly sensitive part of a woman. I'd hate to cause any damage. So...just in case anyone thought I was disappointed, angry, anything like that about not getting any last night...WRONG! I actually thought it was one of the best nights I ever spent in bed with a woman, largely for that reason. I actually do enjoy not having sex. Pure affection is something I can't get enough of. Sexual activity tends to make me feel like a fish out of water.
I'd like to harp on a little more about my fantasies. Some reiteration, some new stuff.
I don't fantasise about specific sex acts, I fantasise about specific people. I don't fantasise about celebrities, or girls in porn magazines. I fantasise about girls I actually know. Around 80% of my friends are female, and I have fantasised about most of them at least once. I've said as much publicly. As me, that is. Slightly embarrassing, but all I'm really saying is, if you're one of my female friends, I've probably, but not definitely, had naughty thoughts about you. Big fuckin' deal. It all stays within the privacy of my head, so what the hell.
I like realism in my fantasies. So, when I'm fantasising about someone, I take their personalities into account. The more information I have about them the better. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't go snooping around trying to find stuff out or anything like that. I just incorporate things I find out by accident, or can't avoid finding out, into the fantasy. Basically, I just make an educated guess as to what they'd be like in bed based on what they're like out of bed. And, I might fantasise about doing things with girl A that I wouldn't fantasise about doing with girl B, just because it seems more in girl A's nature to do these things. If that makes sense.
I used to feel guilty about fantasising about a girl who has a boyfriend or husband, but I don't now. As I've said, inside my head I reserve the right to do what I want with who I want. I'm not going to try to act on it, I'm not going to try and fuck up anyone's relationship, I'm just having fun inside my own head. No harm in that, right?
Also, I fantasise about girls I've done stuff with in the past. This is good for realism, but not so hot for my self esteem, because these fantasies are all about things I should have done, or could have done better. This, coupled with the knowledge that that ship has sailed, can get a little depressing. However, it does give me lots of ideas for things to possibly try in the future.
There are two girls who stand out from the rest in my fantasy life. I'll talk about them in the next post, which I'm going to start writing now. Stay tuned.
And then to bed. Where we proceeded to not do anything sexual. It was all cuddles and affection. Her call. We cuddled and kissed a bit, then she went to sleep...and I think I managed to get some sleep too. Not too sure about that though.
Sometime early on, she said something like, "it's so nice having someone to just cuddle..." or something like that...I remember thinking it sounded like a "no nookie" hint, and maybe it was...maybe not...but I took it as such, anyway. And she said she was very tired and stuff, and lacked the energy for rumpy-pumpy...so I just cuddled her to sleep.
All good, really. :)
I've been thinking about the C situation quite a bit in recent weeks. She's an absolutely delightful wee creature, she really is. We've been friends for a little over a year, and our friendship has always had an undisguised sexual element. The possibility of sex has always been there. A few months ago, we chatted online quite a bit, and had some pretty intense cybersex. Cybersex for me has one similarity to real sex, in that it's rare for someone to get me to choose to lower my defenses and actually attempt to do it. Not sure how she managed this, but she did. No problem.
Actual encounters, however, have been rare. We've only been completely naked together once. I've used my tongue to make her come on one occasion, she has yet to make me come. Other times we've met up in public places, and just kissed lots...maybe some verbal teasing, surreptitious stroking of thighs at the table in the corner of the pub, that sort of thing...but we've rarely been able to just get naked and do stuff.
But, she has asked me if she could be my first post-op fuck. I'm starting to think, no. Here are the reasons:
- I'm cool with playing with C, I'm also cool with not playing with C. This could be said to translate as, I don't really care whether we have sex or not. This in turn means I don't actively want to do stuff with her, therefore I probably shouldn't.
- My brain has been reminding me a lot lately of the reasons (excluding my penis, of course) that I chose celibacy in the first place. The idea of having sex with someone is quite frightening at the moment.
- In addition to the things I have no idea how to put into words, I'm afraid I'll still hate sex just as much as I ever did, and I'm also afraid that I won't.
- C is very fond of being spanked. I don't know if I could do that. I can sort of fantasise about spanking someone, but I don't know that I could actually do it. I think at the very least I'd just feel...fake.
- While I know that the spanking issue is not a big deal at all, I believe that it is.
- Much as I feel like an arsehole saying this...C gives the most wonderful cuddles, and she can be an amazing turn-on...but she's not so hot on kissing. Really, I need a kiss that I can lose myself in, because my sexual technique has always been to concentrate on the kissing and let the penis/vagina business take care of itself. Kissing C requires some conscious thought, which makes that very difficult.
- I really don't want a casual fling. Not with C, anyway, and I doubt with anyone else. You never know, though. But what I really want is a girlfriend, someone with whom I could move very slowly, just because there's no need to rush.
Also, one thing about last night in particular that made me quite glad nothing really happened...my penis is almost healed, no worries there...just, it's still a little rough in parts. There's still one stitch that hasn't come out, and I think it might be a little scratchy (I might be quite wrong about that, too) so, I'm not sure I should be putting it near a highly sensitive part of a woman. I'd hate to cause any damage. So...just in case anyone thought I was disappointed, angry, anything like that about not getting any last night...WRONG! I actually thought it was one of the best nights I ever spent in bed with a woman, largely for that reason. I actually do enjoy not having sex. Pure affection is something I can't get enough of. Sexual activity tends to make me feel like a fish out of water.
I'd like to harp on a little more about my fantasies. Some reiteration, some new stuff.
I don't fantasise about specific sex acts, I fantasise about specific people. I don't fantasise about celebrities, or girls in porn magazines. I fantasise about girls I actually know. Around 80% of my friends are female, and I have fantasised about most of them at least once. I've said as much publicly. As me, that is. Slightly embarrassing, but all I'm really saying is, if you're one of my female friends, I've probably, but not definitely, had naughty thoughts about you. Big fuckin' deal. It all stays within the privacy of my head, so what the hell.
I like realism in my fantasies. So, when I'm fantasising about someone, I take their personalities into account. The more information I have about them the better. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't go snooping around trying to find stuff out or anything like that. I just incorporate things I find out by accident, or can't avoid finding out, into the fantasy. Basically, I just make an educated guess as to what they'd be like in bed based on what they're like out of bed. And, I might fantasise about doing things with girl A that I wouldn't fantasise about doing with girl B, just because it seems more in girl A's nature to do these things. If that makes sense.
I used to feel guilty about fantasising about a girl who has a boyfriend or husband, but I don't now. As I've said, inside my head I reserve the right to do what I want with who I want. I'm not going to try to act on it, I'm not going to try and fuck up anyone's relationship, I'm just having fun inside my own head. No harm in that, right?
Also, I fantasise about girls I've done stuff with in the past. This is good for realism, but not so hot for my self esteem, because these fantasies are all about things I should have done, or could have done better. This, coupled with the knowledge that that ship has sailed, can get a little depressing. However, it does give me lots of ideas for things to possibly try in the future.
There are two girls who stand out from the rest in my fantasy life. I'll talk about them in the next post, which I'm going to start writing now. Stay tuned.