Oh, fuck it...
Yeah, so deleting this journal was completely pointless. But then, so is not deleting it....
It's not the journal I want to delete, anyway. I would dearly love to delete the part of my psyche this journal represents. I want to delete myself, damn it! Wouldn't that be marvellous? Just click and cease to exist. Ah, if it was that easy...
I've not been too good lately. A couple of days ago I was in a right fucking state. Minor (tho' nasty) panic attacks lasting around ten seconds, happening about every three minutes...not a good day. And it rather didn't help that this was also the day that I discovered that several of you good people and true have a close friend who knows me offline. This was not the cause of the panic, but it did scare the shit out of me. Which I'm sure you can understand. Quite a shock to my already fucked system, yeah?
But then, I don't do a hell of a lot to disguise myself here. There's some dead giveaways, really. For a start, I do the "current mood/music" stuff the same way in both my journals. Stuff like that. So...much as the idea of someone who knows me (even if they don't know me well, which mercifully is the case, else I'd really shit myself) knowing this shit about me terrifies the shit out of me...maybe there's a small part of me that wants this to happen. I do hope I'm wrong about that. I added the person in question to my friends list because...well...why not? Thinking about it clearly (comparitively speaking, anyway...) I decided that there's no real threat here. I seem to be quite safe, really. The only real difference between what goes through my head and what goes through hers is, she can cope with it and I can't. But it's much the same, really.
Besides...I think you've known about this journal for a while, anyway. Whether or not you ever actually read it, I think it's safer to assume you knew about it than to assume you didn't.
Where was I? Oh yeah...a day of complete and total panic.
So I found myself thinking...some people cut themselves up a bit when they feel like this...does that actually work? Let's find out...so I took a stanley knife to my arm. No, it doesn't work. Not for me. But I don't think I did a very good job of it...a sharper knife next time, maybe...
Oh, but the cigarette trick works. I find that putting out a cigarette on the palm of my hand focuses my mind really quickly. Every brain cell is screaming something different, really loudly, and suddenly there's this small circle of pain, about a centimeter in diameter...every little brain cell yells in unison, what the fuck was that?! It calms me down for a while. Like that scene in Boston Public in which the teacher got an unruly class to shut the fuck up by firing a gun. That shut them up real quick, it did. It's much the same effect.
I hadn't done that since 1992.
But, that was a couple of days ago. The storm inside my head did pass, but my mental state is still far from pleasant. I'm thinking about death all the time. Makes a nice change from thinking about sex (Christ, I get so sick of that!) but even so...not fun. I have mental pictures of a car or a train slamming into me and turning me into a corpse...I fantasise about suicide, thinking about how I'd do it...I wouldn't slit my wrists because I hate the sensation of losing blood, I wouldn't shoot myself because I am not the proud owner of a gun...the method that I find the most attractive least unattractive would be attaching a hose to the exhaust pipe of my car.
I don't have a car. I never even learned to drive. And gassing oneself in someone else's car is simply not cricket.
Besides, I don't have the faith required to commit suicide. I don't believe there's a hell, but I don't believe there isn't either. If it turns out that hell exists, well...
...let's just say I can stand to wait a little longer before finding out.
I do want to stop being alive, I just don't want to start being dead.
But all this illustrates very clearly one of the most fucking contemptible things about me. Those of you who've read this shit for a while will have noticed that no matter how horny I get I'm not going to fuck anyone. Similarly, no matter how suicidal I get I'm not going to kill myself.
I despise this about myself. I really fucking hate it.
I want to commit acts of brutal violence against myself, just for being such a stupid spineless cunt. I think that was the real point of having a go at myself with that knife. Finally, a strong emotion that I'm actually having a real shot at acting upon. As opposed to merely driving myself batshit insane and writing about it.
Writing about it. Yup. That's how I deal with things like being horny. Most people get laid, I log into this journal and write "fuck I'm horny" in the hope that saying it will make it seem so ridiculous that the feeling will go away. Which it does, but it comes back. So of course, I write about it again.
What a dipshit.
It's pure chickenshitness. Nothing more. I'm just chickenshit. And I hate myself for that. I want to physically beat the shit out of myself. I toyed with the idea of having myself beaten up, but even if I could bring myself to do that, it wouldn't do the job. I want to be the one doing the beating as well as the one getting it. Unfortunately, this is physically and logically impossible.
Ah well. I'll just do what I've been doing for a couple of years now. Stick with crucifying myself in public. Because I still seem to have this delusion that I actually accomplish something by doing this. Christ only knows what...I lost track of that ages ago.
OK, well...those of you who actually read this crap deserve a reward for putting up with my whinging. So, if you would kindly click here, you will find a song called "Bylar" by Lisa Gerrard. Download it, for it is the most beautiful song EVER. There are four other songs there, which are cool, tho' kinda strange..."Bylar" is just absolutely beautiful. I haven't been able to get away from it all week.
And maybe it's easier to withdraw from life
with all of it's misery and wretched lies.
Away from harm.
- Dead Can Dance
Current mood: I'm far too stupid to breathe
Current music: Tangerine Dream - "Fly And Collision Of Comas Sola"