(no subject)
I'm trying to be happy with who I am and what I can do for the time being. But time moves too slowly. I'm sick of being young and an apprentice and on a low wage and doing seemingly pointless study.. I wish I could fall asleep one night and wake the next morning thirty something years old, lying next to someone of a similar age, and go to work at a proper job where the money is a bit better and I wouldn't have to go to tafe anymore, and I'd have money in the bank and a car that isn't falling apart. I just wanna skip the next ten years or so. I'm bored of it. Everyone says 'you're young, you should be out doing things and having fun, blah blah blah'. But I don't want to. I want to settle down with someone who loves me as much I love them, go to a job each day that I really enjoy, and a make a wage that I can live comfortably on and save up for things like a house, and maybe the occasional holiday or a dirt bike or children one day or whatever.
I don't really care about the apprenticeship that I'm doing anymore. I don't want to be a professional gardener. I want to be an arborist. I don't fucking care about turf and irrigation and mowers and shit on the ground. I want to be up in the trees, chainsaw in hand, pruning and helping trees to grow and removing dying/dangerous ones. I'm sick of changing depots every month or two and having to leave just as I'm getting to know people and see how their work place functions. I just want to settle down in one place, get to know the people I'd work with, the systems that they have in place at their depot and work and do my best at what I love. I'm sick of all the other bullshit (and my apprentice co-ordinatior).
I don't particularly like people my age or a bit younger. They seem immature and their lives have no meaning and nothing to look forward to. Most people around my age that I know don't have jobs and aren't studying and because they've been like that for so long they don't seem to see the point in doing anything to change that. I don't see how they can live like that. With no meaning, nothing to do, not much money, and yet somehow most of them drink or take drugs. I'm not sure how they afford that on top of food and rent etc. Some still live at home mind you. I dunno, Centrelink payments/rich parents maybe? But that's no way to live and be responsible for yourself.
I find it hard to make friends because people my age aren't at the same maturity or interested in the same things as me, and most people older then me, assume I'm like those people my age and don't bother getting to know me or giving me a go. I work with mostly men aged 35-50, and I so badly just want to be their friend. I like what they like, DIY stuff around the house/yard, fishing, drinking beer and playing pool, watching sport, driving and car mechanic/mod stuff etc. I find all those things really interesting and fun, but the guys look at me and all they see is a young girl, and they ask why I don't go shopping with my girlfriends or whatever it is that girls are supposed to enjoy doing.
Making friends is hard, but finding someone, that special someone who you can talk to about anything and visit just cause you want a hug, that person who you don't even have to talk to, just seeing them smile makes you happy and want to do anything and everything you can to keep them smiling and feel as happy as you do when your around them, finding that sort of person for me is very difficult.
My first boyfriend loved me a lot but he lied to everyone about everything, he was one of those silly young people who don't see a need in getting/keeping a job and have every paid for them by their 'loving' family. (A real loving family would push him out into the real world and tell him he can only have what he can pay for, with the money that he works to make, just like everyone else. How else will he learn?)
My second boyfriend was a couple of months younger than me, but looked a few years older and acted much more mature than anyone my age. He understood about the world and how money works, and that without money there is no food, no anything. He seemed responsible and quite adult, but he wasn't. He binge drinks, drives recklessly, has done some very bad things and can be really mean, and just doesn't care about how anything he does affects anyone else.
For a little bit I was sort of seeing someone in hes early 40s. But he turned out to be lying backstabbing asshole. I used to admire him for his maturity, experiences, knowledge, memories and skills. But he took advantage of me and my naive youthfulness. I learnt a big lesson from him.
Now I'm with Simon, and when we're together we make each other very happy. He's 10 years older that me, but we have a fair bit in common, and he is young for his age, whereas I am old for my age, so we meet in the middle. (I hope that makes sense.) He doesn't care about the age difference when it's just us, but I know he's cautious of it when we're not alone. I think that's one of the reasons he doesn't want to call me his girlfriend, because of what his friends/family etc would say. It's not fair. He's as immature for his age as I am over mature for my age. He looks younger then he is, and acts, dresses, and looks like he's in his 20s. And even though I might not look it, I'm in my 20s, well.. I am 20 (turning 21 this year!). We match. So that's close enough isn't it...? No, not from the outside, I guess.
One day Simo said to me something along the lines of "I really like you, your look, your personality, everything about you, I just wish you were a little bit older... and maybe had a little bit more experience..". I CAN'T HELP THAT! As much as I want to change that. I am the age that I am. And I hate it!
Oh, I was listening to a song the other day and it reminded me of Simon. I'll post the lyrics up soon. And then I really need to get back to my tafe assignments.. lol