So much to say.. but I have to get to work.
This time of year is especially rough on me. For many reasons. The biggest one being Adam. Actually, today makes 4 years of knowing him.. and no matter how bad things turned out in the end, I'm not the type of person to be hateful (generally) for long periods of time. Well, at least not consistantly. I still get angry at him, and Deana, to this day. I still do terrible things to them both, in my head, and it sometimes eases the rage that flows to the surface. Its a quiet rage. I don't generally share it with anyone, and prefer to keep it that way. I made enough of a fuss about it all a year ago.
I wanted to call him today. To remind him that four years ago he met the best thing that ever came into his life, and he lost it three years after, in the same month no less. I wanted to rub it in his face that he caused all of this, while he lied and shattered my trust and ego and just about my sanity. I want to call him on September 16th, and remind him that we won't be celebrating our anniversary together, because there is no "Us" left. I want to text him on September 18th and remind him that we were supposed to be celebrating our one year anniversary, married, on that day... I want to grind it into him that he caused this. I want him to hurt. I want him to suffer. I want her to suffer. I want her to know that he's already cheated on her, and I hope it hurts like motherfucking hell. I want her to know he's already bald face lied to her about what he was doing, and who he was with.. but at the same time, I don't. I want her to know what its like to invest years of her emotions into someone, only to have them toss it out the window like a spent cigarette butt.
I have often wondered in the past why I still get so angry about this. I mean, I'm in a better place emotionally now. I am utterly in love with Christian who takes such good care of me and loves me unconditionally in return and is as faithful as they come.. But I've given up wondering why, and just accept the fact that deep down inside, part of me is still damaged and still wants retribution. I deal with it. Sometimes I dream of them. Sometimes I wake up upset or close to tears, but those days get farther and further away with each day I wake up. I still fight the urge to call and say hello, because I know nothing good will ever come of it.
In the meantime, I plan to keep moving forward in my life. Things are well out in the country, and I love what Christian and I have out there. We really do fit each other like pieces of a small, hermity puzzle. We have our love, and our boys, and our family, and each other.. And that's all we need.
Well, and money.. Speaking of. I should really get back to work.
I wanted to call him today. To remind him that four years ago he met the best thing that ever came into his life, and he lost it three years after, in the same month no less. I wanted to rub it in his face that he caused all of this, while he lied and shattered my trust and ego and just about my sanity. I want to call him on September 16th, and remind him that we won't be celebrating our anniversary together, because there is no "Us" left. I want to text him on September 18th and remind him that we were supposed to be celebrating our one year anniversary, married, on that day... I want to grind it into him that he caused this. I want him to hurt. I want him to suffer. I want her to suffer. I want her to know that he's already cheated on her, and I hope it hurts like motherfucking hell. I want her to know he's already bald face lied to her about what he was doing, and who he was with.. but at the same time, I don't. I want her to know what its like to invest years of her emotions into someone, only to have them toss it out the window like a spent cigarette butt.
I have often wondered in the past why I still get so angry about this. I mean, I'm in a better place emotionally now. I am utterly in love with Christian who takes such good care of me and loves me unconditionally in return and is as faithful as they come.. But I've given up wondering why, and just accept the fact that deep down inside, part of me is still damaged and still wants retribution. I deal with it. Sometimes I dream of them. Sometimes I wake up upset or close to tears, but those days get farther and further away with each day I wake up. I still fight the urge to call and say hello, because I know nothing good will ever come of it.
In the meantime, I plan to keep moving forward in my life. Things are well out in the country, and I love what Christian and I have out there. We really do fit each other like pieces of a small, hermity puzzle. We have our love, and our boys, and our family, and each other.. And that's all we need.
Well, and money.. Speaking of. I should really get back to work.