I've got pepsi - and candy - and a whole lot of thinking.
So I went to Wal*Mart tonight, to get "school materials" , but I really just drove around to sort things out. I blasted John Mayer like a complete dork, and took all the long back ways to hear all the songs I liked. At least twice.
Maybe it was between me belting out the songs, and watching the leaves scatter across the road as if it were still fall, but I had a moment of clarity. It sounds funny to say, I mean, I had I moment of clarity when nothing seems clear. I just kept repeating " Sometimes you have no choice but to start over. I want so badly to just start over" I looked at the sun, and was happy for that one moment. I rolled down the window and stuck my hand out , and as if the sun had played a trick on me the air was ice cold. I hate that. I hate when it looks so warm outside, but it's really cold. It's true for most things too. Everything and everyone seams so different then what they really are, and its not until you "stick your hand out to feel" then you truely know. but even so, I kept my hand out of the window, because It just felt like throwing my problems out. And I just needed that
I tried to reflect on the things I did, and the things I didn't do, but there was far to many and that just made me sad. This wasn't a sad car ride, so I stopped thinking about those things.
For some reason the first thing I thought about was Jimmy's party this weekend. I rememebered about each and everyone of them. And how for some reason whenever I am there at their parties I feel like I am looking into of a box, not in a bad way though. Sure there are problems, and dramas, but the are all genuinly kind and caring people. And I cherish that more than ever now, because oh god-it's so hard to find people like that in highschool.I thought about how everytime I smell ciggars and alcohol I think about their parties. It's like the smell of your grandmothers perfume always reminds you of her. I don't know why I thought about them , maybe it was just to say thank you. Because they are all really good people.
Sorry for the randomness of that.
I also thought mostly about me and Maria . And how things are falling or already fell apart. And how sometimes late at night , when I had a bad day or just something dumb happened I want to call her. I never call her anymore. I thought about how we understand eachother so good, I know her better than I know alot of people in my life. I thought about how on friday nights we didn't need to do anything exciting. Going to Applebees's and walmart and just talking was enough. But most of all, I thought about all the stupid things I did, and stupid things she did. And I just forgot about them. What good will it do me to remember those things she said, or did, or I did and said? I think , no matter what anyone says, that forgiving is the hardest thing to do. Sure - we forgive all the time, but we never forget. So I tried. And I did. I just forgot.
I think I am in the middle now. Things are not good, nor are they bad. but maybe the middle is the best place to be, or maybe the worst. I'm still not to sure about that.